Thursday, October 7, 2010

An Open Letter to Sir Tony Danza (Recently knighted)

 Dear Mr. Tony Danza,

You are ruining teaching.  You are stealing it from me.  The honor of the profession is the lone thing I have over rich folks and you are pulling it out of my cold, chalky hands. (My hands are cold because I use frozen chalk.  I find that it limits forefinger chafing.)
I can already hear their wealthy, smug, voices while they chew on their caviar:
Oh, you are a teacher?  How hard can it be if Tony Danza does it? 
Tony, your new reality series, Teach: Tony Danza is ruining my life. Quite honestly, I’d rather watch Paris Hilton or one of the Geico cavemen teach 14-year-olds English on a reality show than you.
Teaching is so easy, even Tony Danza can do it.
Everyone is saying it. 
How about a reality series where you try your hand at a talk show?  Oh, that’s right, you already ruined that profession.
How about a show where you drive taxi cabs with Doc from Back to the Future?  How about a reality show that involves saying the word “Angelar” over and over until you realize there is actually no R at the end?
No?
You really have to make the profession of teaching a laughingstock?  Teaching? You do realize I went to school for six years and poured my heart into this job, right?  You realize I make about as much in a year as you did in an hours work on Angels in the Outfield
Tony, my man, you are a national treasure.  You don’t need this bull.  I’m sure they’d love to have you on Dancing with Sarah Palin’s Daughter.  They’d kill for your star power on one of those STD VH1 dating shows.  You could take Bret Michael's place.
You don’t need to prove your blue collard-ness to us, Tony.  We get it - you’re from Brooklyn. But the truth is, you are a multi-thousandaire and we teachers get paid in five dollar Target Gift Cards and Happenings Book coupons.
I eat at Five Guys and you eat at one of those fancy-dancy, affluent Italian places like The Macaroni Grill. 
You and I, we are not one and the same.  When women meet me, they think that it is adorable that I teach first grade.  Now they will just look at me, shake their head and mumble something about Tony Danza’s new career under their breath.  It’s embarrassing.
Perhaps your show will prove how difficult teaching really is?  Perhaps you will fail miserably and the students will end up giving you wedgies until you promise to bring Alyssa Milano?  Doubtful though. Most likely, A&E will end up making you look better than you really are. (Think: Family Law those episodes of The Love Boat that you were in.)
Tony, this is my final plea.  Please don’t do this. You are not a smart man.  Dumb acting dopes from Brooklyn do not make good teachers.
Yours truly,
An actual teacher that actually takes his job (semi) seriously.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check my Happenings book for a coupon for awesome.

67 comments:

Georgina Dollface said...

Nahoooo theydn't! Really? Tony Danza, a teacher? I have to get a satellite dish because we don't get that kind of quality programming up here in Canada. I keep missing out on some awesome blog fodder. - G
PS - Your line about "Angelar" just killed me!

Donda said...

My professional opinion is that you have some deep seeded issues from childhood. Did Mommy not let you watch Who's the Boss? Poor little guy LOL

The Bipolar Diva said...

Agreed, agreed, agreed!

mintifresh said...

Target gift cards and Happenings coupons!!! hahahahahha Can't he just let it die???

Marnie said...

Thanks for the warning...I didn't know he had another show.

I'll never forget when he had his talk show, and he had on the author of the book "French Women Don't Get Fat" and he actually said to her (the author) "If you don't mind, I will call it 'French women dont get big' as I think that's harsh". Perfect example on why his show tanked and he shouldn't be doing another one.

skcoe said...

Multi-thousandaire.

Heh.

Oh, I heart you so much.

lindsey v said...

Someday I WILL be a multi-thousandaire. You just wait and see.

Woolf Family said...

Ay oh!! Oh ay!!

Woolf Family said...

Ay oh! Oh ay!!

MBGITWWR said...

Wow! What is the world really coming to? Pure unadulterated stupidity. The man did have some "rico suave"-type moves back in the day, but that doesn't qualify him for a teaching gig. We shall see what ruins lie in the wake of this man named Tony Danza.

T said...

he shot MY career all to crap years ago when he showed the world that it's no big deal to clean a house and raise kids... even a dumb actor can do it.

Copyboy said...

Wow, you learn some new and not so bearable every day.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Does he even have a degree?? What is the name of blazes qualifies him to teach?? THIS is what I want to know.
And yes... I agree.. a death match between him and Perez Hilton is in order.

One Cluttered Brain said...

He's a teacher? Seriously? i just thought he cleaned house.
lol.
well I bet U R a far better teacher than Mr. Danza.

DeNae said...

Oh, really? Gabe Kotter - of "Welcome Back Kotter" fame - was a freaking GENIUS! He even turned wise-cracking Vinnie Barbarino into a drug crazed hit man and, later, a fat woman singing love songs with Christopher Walken. Could you do that, Abe? All righty then. No more sassing dumb Brooklyn acting teacher thingies...

And Tony Danza? A god. He owned Judd Hirsch in that taxi garage. OWNED him. It was a privelege to watch his lips move when other actors were saying their lines.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

This is a really stupid idea for a show, Cheeseboy. I hope Tony will be convinced by your thoughtful, persuasive letter. If not, I can't imagine anyone's going to watch it (unless Angelar does). You probably don't have to worry.
xoRobyn

Mommy Lisa said...

I am sorry - that is just disrespectful in the worst way. Ugh.

The Stiffs said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

Jenn said...

For real? Tony Danza is going to teach...and they are making a reality show out of it? What the hell has this world come to? Honestly, let's revolt!!! You take the lead, I'll follow!!!

Joann Mannix said...

But can you tap dance, Cheese?

Because Tony can.

And he does not eat at Macaroni Grill, please, he's a celebrity! He's over at the fancy place, Carrabba's.

And I love the 5 Guy's. We just got one and I'm seriously afraid I am pouring trans fat oil directly into my arteries. It might just be worth the bypass, though. Those burgers are sublime.

Vanessa said...

I LOVE THIS POST!! I couldn't believe it when I saw the preview for this show. I thought it was a joke at first. And then he was on Oprah talking about it. Yes. Oprah. And she was blah blah blahing about how she always really wanted to be a teacher. Can you imagine? Tony and Oprah team teaching in the slums of Philly?

You forgot Salt City candles and Bath & Body Works lotion. Do you get any of those?

Pearl said...

It's a proven fact: the American public will watch absolutely anything.

Pearl

Eva Gallant said...

I love 5 Guys but the closest one to me is 90 miles away. Didn't realize you were a teacher! I was a high school business teacher for 17 years.

Joellen said...

wait, Tony Danza is alive?

Bossy Betty said...

Don't worry. Tony will never outmatch your songwriting skills or have his class singing to "Champion."

Noelle said...

Does he ever age?

And I completely agree with the 'Angelar' part...

Melinda said...

"Hold me close now Tony Danzaaa..." Name that quote.

Okay, I'll tell you. Its Phoebe from Friends version of Tiny Dancer by Elton John. I always think that when I hear "Tony Danza".

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Let 'em have it, Cheeseboy!

Misfit Mommy (aka the Antichrist) said...

If it's any consolation, we watched 3 minutes of it, and changed the channel. I'm pretty sure most others did the same. It was boring, and was kind of hard to see an actor as an actual teacher!

Marlene said...

He's still alive?!!!

Lisa Loo said...

Not only is he NOT smarter than a first grader, I am pretty sure he has way too much arm hair--ewwww....

Hutch said...

If it helps I don't think many people will watch it. He looks scary and malnourished, I'd rather keep the picture in my mind from Who's the Boss.

"Miss Bee" said...

I hadn't heard about this yet, but I'm glad - I'm sure your version is much better than anybody else's! I can't believe it. And yeah... IS he even degreed and/or certified?

susie kline said...

Love this post! Glad I found this blog via Midwestern Mama Holly! I heard that he only taught for the one year it took to film the reality show. Maybe he demonstrates that it was really really hard and your career will be redeemed!

xo Susie

Connie said...

Is he as bad as Kotter? Now that show portrayed teaching how it really ought to be!

The Church Lady said...

You have a valid point there. One that I didn't think of. I know it was always a dream for Tony Danza to teach. But does he have the credentials to do it?? I don't know.

Do you really freeze your chalk?

Jillybean said...

I'd like to see him spend a day with an ALPs class. Those kids would eat him alive.

Julie said...

You have all my support Cheeseboy. Actors trying to be a teacher just doesn't cut it. Tony is barely an actor, being a teacher...NOT!!!
Take care and have a blessed weekend.

-stephanie- said...

Is this really about wanting YOUR own show? Cuz I would totally watch. Tony Danza is old news.

Charlotte said...

I hope he doesn't start blogging next. Then we would all know that he is really trying to take over your life. It would be like "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle" only with laugh tracks.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

No, Seriously? What a terrible idea! No, no no!!

I Wonder Wye said...

I was flabbergasted to read Tony actually planned to be a teacher when he was in college. Tony Danza went to college?? Puerto Rico? Some Vo-tech school? Not that there's anything wrong with that...

lisleman said...

seriously doubt I ever watch that show - reality TV is so unreal.
But I read your blog and I understand kids learn in your class.
You top Tony D. by a long shot. Of course, a great blog doesn't bring the money like a tv show but you get to play with cheese.

purseblogger said...

Oh my gosh that was great! And yes, I do think it's adorable you teach first grade. Tony can never take that away from you.

From Tracie said...

Okay. So I seriously woke up around 4am last week and watched some oft his show and fell back asleep.

The next morning when I told my husband what I saw he convinced me that it was a dream....because honestly, who wouldn't have thought that was a dream (or a nightmare)?

The a couple of days later we saw a commercial and we realized that it wasn't a dream. It was very real...and then we were scared. Very scared.

In other news I am eating Five Guys french fries as I am typing this. They are yummy. They warm my heart. They make the Tony Danza is teaching demons flee.

Pat Tillett said...

TELEVISION AT IT'S FINEST! NOT!!!
hard to believe. It's also hard to believe that this guy is still in show business at all...

W.C.Camp said...

Methinks somebody needs a higher paying teaching job ... or at least a cheese stick? Ever consider trading in your first graders for a trade school gig? It's like teaching the same level of student only they have more body hair and the pay is better! W.C.C.

Powdered Toast Man said...

What does Judith Light have to say about all this?

Is Mona still alive?

Holly said...

Oh MY!! See what NOT having expanded cable does for me? It leaves me CLUELESS!! THANK YOU for edumacating me on the goings on of reality TV!! (Yes, I misspelled that on purpose and it's driving me CRAZY!! LOL!!)

I think YOU should show him how it's done and let them pay YOU HIS salary!! BONUS!! You'd deserve it MUCH better!

HOWEVER, NO to Alyssa Milano in our children's classroom... HELLOOOoooo.... they do NOT need HER kind of influencial education... *sigh* She gives Sarah Palin's daughter some competition. ;p BWAHAHAHA!!!

natalee said...

WHAT???? C'mon.... now I have to look for that show.. ..wtf?? like teachers arent under appreciated enough...

tammy said...

I really hope he reads this.

Luvpilot was his pilot once. He was drunk and a jerk. Tony, that is....not Luvpilot.

Emmy said...

Lol! Love love this post. I would pick 5 guys over Macaroni Grill anyway.

Jason, as himself said...

I’m sure they’d love to have you on Dancing with Sarah Palin’s Daughter.

Great line.

And yes, it is true. I wish they would come up with a show that shows what teaching is really like.

Sandra said...

I think you're safe. At the sight of the name Tony Danza, I had to readjust my eyes in order to refocus on your post. He just doesn't do it for enough people...well, maybe the Queen of England, but I'm pretty sure she only watches the BBC.

Teachinfourth said...

I'm not sure how it will all pan out in the end…fingers crossed for a happy ending.

Tree said...

Hah ha! I heard about this too...WOW! Of all the people that they could've chosen for this...Tony Danza?! Sure...he's adorable, but doesn't appear to be the smartest of men. Not like you, of course. LOL

Nancy C said...

If he was teaching boxing, perhaps, or driver's ed, yes. This is setting up a dangerous precedent, because there could be LaToya Jackson: Teacher, Paula Abdul: Teacher.

Shudder.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

"You are not a smart man"

*snort*

I can't believe Tony is still around! Somehow, that makes me feel...old.

And this is the first time I've heard of his teaching.

Weird.

Aunt of 14 said...

He's still alive?!?!?!

M-Cat said...

I honestly thought Danza was dead. Didn't he hit a tree while skiing or something?

Melinda said...

On behalf of my high school teacher husband, THANK YOU and Amen! I never much cared for Who's The Boss either! Take that, Tony!

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

Where do you teach? You should move somewhere that pays better. My son is working to be a teacher and his research on compensation blew me away.

Janelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Janelle said...

I strive to be a multi-thousandaire! Although Target $5 giftcards is a great way to be paid too!

Don't worry, his show will be cancelled soon and everyone will realize that you're better than Sir Danza!

Pedaling said...

you kind of look like Tony.

Unknown Mami said...

I think to get back at him you should become a boxer. Then everyone will say, "Boxing is so easy Cheeseboy can do it."

Lourie said...

I had no idea this was happening! Of course, most of the TV I watch involve a pop star, wizards, and mischievous twin boys. Not by choice. Please.

I don't think any star should do that. It's not an easy job. I admire teachers. And in high school, I was kind of rotten kid.