Monday, October 18, 2010

Disney On Ice is what happens.

I shall entitle this piece "Disney On Ice is what Happens". 

What happens when you combine 20 former high school ice dancing failures with 20 dudes that failed to make their high school hockey teams and dress them up in sequins and furry costumes?

What happens when 2,000 6-year-old girls wearing $80 princess dresses gather in a basketball arena?

What happens when your child begs you to buy cotton candy and you cave, only to find out that you have to buy the "souvenir glass" with it and you are now staring at a crappy $12 plastic cup with blue sugar in your lap that is still half full because your kids are "tired of it"?

What happens when your 3 year old boy starts to yawn and proceeds to crawl all over your lap and pull on your ears because for some strange reason, he assumed Spiderman would be making an appearance?

What happens when all goes dark and all you can see is 10,000 neon spinning light contraptions that cost $20 a pop and your kid is now begging you for one of those as well?

What happens when you are so incredibly bored, you begin to start contemplating if the guy in the Mickey costume is actually a chick because dang - that Mickey is way too graceful to skate like a dude.

What happens when you take your kid to pee only to return to find out your other kid has to pee.  Also, you are sitting in the middle of the row?

What happens when the lights come on and you get excited, but they announce that it is only intermission?  Intermission turns out to be hundreds souvenir jockeys, wearing mickey ears and a light up ties, walking up and down the aisles while your children whine and complain that they need more overpriced crap.

What happens when the show ends at 10:30 PM and you end up having to carry your sleepy, exhausted children two miles to your car because you were stubborn and refused to pay more than five bucks to park your car?

What happens when you drop 3 grand on a Disneyland vacation in March, 100 bucks on an ice show in October and then realize that 10% of your yearly salary is going directly into frozen Walt Disney's frozen pockets?

Disney on Ice.  That's what happens.

69 comments:

Kristina P. said...

This sounds slightly awesome.

I had a friend whose first date with her now husband was Disney On Ice. They are that couple. They loved it, love showtunes, want to go on a Disney cruise, etc.

MX3 said...

I just thank my lucky stars that we live in Florida because at least the kids can't beg for ice skating lessons after the show.

I mean, they can (and will) beg, but it will be short lived. Nothing like blaming the weather to take Mommy off the hook :-)

Pat Tillett said...

I went to Disney on ice many tyears ago. I won't be going back anytime soon! It was quite a production and a lot of work by them, but still....

purseblogger said...

LOL this is great! I get so excited when the lights come on too, thinking the show is finally over. Only to be let down that it's only halfway done. *sigh*

Rachel said...

Funny... I remember exactly that when attending Disney on Ice as a little girl. Somehow seemed a lot more fun with a "you only live once" grandmother :)

Man am I glad I have a boy!

From Tracie said...

I always imagined that Disney on Ice would be bad...but I never knew the full extent of the nightmare until now.

Kelley said...

Ha!! Loved that. I felt stressed & cranky throughout that post just imagining myself there. I look for a follow-up post about the circus with the electric "ring of fire".

Stacy Q said...

What a wonderful description!

You're giving me flashbacks to when we took the kids to the Circus. It sounds like DOI, only maybe less so.
When the lights came on at intermission our kids thought it was over, and we didn't convince them otherwise.

The next year they wanted to go back. HA! I think NOT!!!

Now I know I can skip the spectacle that is Disney on Ice. I had actually considered it, but I consider it no more.

Lene said...

Sounds as awesome as the circus.

Kelly said...

My favorite part was your reference to Disney's "frozen pockets"

This post made my Disney hating husband's day.

Mamma has spoken said...

sounds like a dirty little rat to me, rich yes but oh so sneaky...

The Stiffs said...

Funny because I've been there, more than once.

Mighty M said...

Yep, and it's all good. :)

Jenn said...

Sounds like I've been missing out by not having kids AND not attending Disney on Ice...... I feel so left out!!!

Eva Gallant said...

Sounds like Mickey Mouse has a new fan!

The Church Lady said...

Been there, done that and I feel your pain. Once was enough for a lifetime!

MBGITWWR said...

Hahahah! This was a great way to start my morning! I do apologize for finding such joy/humor in your pain, but I do understand and that's what makes it so good.

Nicole said...

Lord have mercy. You made me tired just reading that.

I am going back for another cup of coffee.

Oilfield Trash said...

Thanks for the funny. My kids suckered me into taking them to Monsters Inc on ice when they were little. It sucked and the only thing that made it interesting was looking at the female skaters legs.

Baby Sister said...

Disney hater!! ;) I still intend on going one day, no matter how much you trash talk it.

Shannon Green said...

I saw Disney on ice as a child.

I still have the nightmares.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

So should I take offense to this post?! Or should I just give you my free tickets and 10 bucks for parking? :-)

Aunt of 14 said...

You're such a good Dad!

DeNae said...

My BIL, the rich, successful doctor whose oldest child is 20 and youngest is 14, ONLY takes his kids to Disneyland. Seriously. That's the only vacation this family ever goes on, and they do it, like, 30 times a year.

Talk about a complete failure of imagination.

Pedaling said...

and now you know why i have never taken one--seriously, not ONE, of my 6 kids to a disney on ice show!

Pearl said...

Never been to one of these shows, and you've just reminded me as to "why".

Disney. Pfft. They got it all wrapped up, don't they?!

Pearl

Plain Jane said...

I regularly walk for miles and miles for dinner to save on parking. Sooo cheap, but it's easier without kids.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sounds painful, dude. Glad I don't have kids!

Hart Johnson said...

Oh man... there are few things that can make me thankful for the relative poverty I raise my family in, but I think you've just nailed one.

Melinda said...

My sister in law is a HUGE Disney freak, every vacation she goes on is either to Disneyland or a Disney cruise or whatever. I bet more than 10% of her income goes into Walt's frozen pockets!

lisleman said...

hey thanks I own some DISney stock.

The very worst thing about those shows were the overpriced everything. If there were someway of selling this junk to the parents before the show for half the show price you could make a fortune.

How fun it would be after "daddy can I please have ---?" and you reach into your pocket and hand the --- whatever and say, " yes i knew you would want one"

Amanda said...

I am a Disney freak. I live less than an hour from the park and am waiting for the day I can afford annual passes.

That said, never been to Disney on Ice. Never intend to go. And I'm doing my level best to make sure my kids never realize it exists.

There are limits.

-stephanie- said...

I can add to this....
What happens when you buy $12 plastic Cinderella slippers at DOI and then turn around and sell them for 50 cents, a few months later at your rummage sale? Add to that...DOI comes around here in February and it's freezing and I won't pay to park close. Try dragging your kids through that frozen stuff. That's it..I'm never going again. Thanks for the reminder.

Missy said...

This will be a Level of Hell for some people!

The Bipolar Diva said...

You're a brave and devoted dad!

M-Cat said...

And what is pathetic is that after this fantastic review letting me know how much I would freakin hate it, if Sissy asked, Sissy would get.

I'm just that kind of a Mimi

Sam said...

That sounds like hell-you obvioulsy love your children very very much to subject yourself to that kind of torture. (Also-Walt Disney is pretty crafty for a dead guy-better keep an eye on your wallet...)

baygirl32 said...

Ugh I feel ya! took kiddo to see high school music on ice a while back... NEVER again

mintifresh said...

I've only gone once and that's cuz we got free tickets. We still walked out spending a ridiculous amount of money!

One Cluttered Brain said...

Hey Disney on Ice gave you blog material, so that IS something.
When are we getting together for that sing a long?
If I move to UT in the next couple of months, we just gotta.
And film it at Mcdonald's playland place. lol.
Our readers will love us....

Unknown Mami said...

Way to take on for the team!

Allyson & Jere said...

YIKES!!!! All the way around. Seriously, those things are redonkulously overpriced, it's irritating. But, I'm just glad you survived to tell the tale.

Ms Bibi said...

I am so glad my Disney on Ice days are over and hopefully this year was the last visit of Disneyland.Unless my children want to pay for it (unlikely).

MiMi said...

For the record: Mickey probably WAS a chick. They usually are. lol

Joann Mannix said...

I do believe the first layer of Hell is a constant Disney on Ice gig with Justin Bieber as Prince Charming and 10,000 screaming 12 year old girls.

I'm pretty sure we own Epcot Center with the amount of money we've spent in our constant pilgrimages to Disney World. I do so hate Disney.

Marnie said...

My God that has been my experience at those Disney On Ice shows. Spooky. I know...the $12 cotton candy is a complete rip off.

T said...

oh, just a sec.

okay - just had to say a quick prayer of thanks that there are no venues around us large enough to host Disney on Ice.

Of course, if we ever make it to Disneyland we'll be padding the Disney pockets quite well.

Kristen said...

You know what else happens? YOU NEVER HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN. So glad it was you and not me....

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Well written, Cheeseboy. You have all my sympathy for this one.
xoRobyn

wendy said...

ahhh, your such a good daddy.

wendy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SueLovesCherries said...

It is what it is. I still have Young Teen's cow patterned light-up wand from Toy Story on Ice. It's in my dresser and I'm saving it for a memory, whether she likes it or not!

Emmy said...

I don't think Disney will be calling you to be their PR guy anytime soon. And thanks for the heads up.

Julie said...

While we were driving truck we worked with Disney on Ice for a year as drivers and security guards. We saw the same show 4 days a week, 2 shows a day for 52 weeks. A very intersting way of life.
I remember a while back carrying Mike out from one of those Disney on Ice shows. Never the vacation to Disney though.
Thank you for bringing back these memories.
Take care and God Bless!!!

Sandra said...

ummmm....don't hate the cotton candy...it was probably the best part.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Yes, so true. And the $14 slushies don't help, do they?

Corrina Terry said...

Took my Josh to one of those (Toy Story on Ice or something like that) about 10 years ago. Never went again. I almost had a seizure with all of those twirling, flashing lights in the dark! (I LOVE Disneyland though. If I had the $$$ I'd head down there once a month!!!!!)

Powdered Toast Man said...

Walt Disney's head has a lot of money to throw around.

mama-face said...

so that means you make like $3,000,000,000 a year?! right?

you will be remembered as a great dad, although I can guarantee you that your children will forget the show. (Been there, done that). (Only not as a Dad). ah. I am the voice of optimism.

Heff said...

I only give that kind of money to prostitutes.

Charlotte said...

I am once again thankful my daughters never were into Disney princesses. If Disney ever makes Phineas and Ferb on ice, I'm screwed, though.

Xmas Dolly said...

Great Post! You're too funny! By the way you did entitle this one correctly! Poor guy! All I can say is, "All the joys of being a father".

GrammyMouseTails said...

Yup, Disney... the begging all things mass produced & product placement for maximum sales dollar exosphere!
Chaching!! the noise Mickeys head makes when you snap his neck. arghhhh...
to think as sweet innocent kids ourselves we got sucked into this trap!
and NO, I am not related to Mickey, or I'd be conveniently sitting in his wallet pocket for fast withdrawals.

Just SO said...

I've always wondered what, say, the little ice skating army dudes from Toy Story say when they are asked what their occupation is. Is it something that the own up to proudly or do they just say "I'm in the armed forces. Ice division."

lori said...

I remember those days! We went 3 years in a row with another family. I didn't mind the show, but the way they push the toys that you have to take out a loan to buy so that your kids don't feel like losers because all the other kids have them - is criminal!
My girls got a taste of what it was like last year when they took their little 6 year old cousin to the show. She whined and complained and was a total brat the entire time. heh heh heh. Revenge is soooo sweet.

Vanessa said...

I sure hope you won your tickets and didn't have to pay full price.

I got sucked into that whole thing w/my first child. I sprang for the $16 princess wand.

Never again.

I hope you learned your lesson.

Damn Walt Disney.

Georgina Dollface said...

I almost bought tickets for my nieces to see DOI for their birthday. Now I am really glad I didn't! (And I am sure my brother is glad too.) I ended up getting them a subscription to an educational kids magazine. It may be dorky but at least they'll be smarter for it. Very funny post! - G

Pat said...

You are a great Dad. A sucker, but a great Dad nonetheless.

Cole said...

So is disney on ice like a girl thing? I heard if your a guy it's like boring.