Your Cheeseboy Fan Mail - ANSWERED!

Orville Redenbacher

From time to time, I get "fan mail" and I read that fan mail as if I were a celebrity.  That is to say, I have my people read it to me while I watch my dogs fight and then inject me with Human Growth Hormone.

Occasionally, while tearing open "fan mail" with my newly-formed C-list-celeb biceps, I will find that someone has the audacity to ask me a question.  Me, a male blogging superstar (or "stud-muffintop"), sitting alone atop my throne of stats and design templates, looking down on all my lady blog followers like common peasants.  How dare they?!

Anyhow, when occasion permits, I do like to take a little time out of my busy schedule of signing blogographs and eating organic blogckli to respond to a question or two.

This question comes from Becky O'Connelly of Sparklevilleton, North Carolina:
Does your wife ever get jealous of all the lady blogger attention you get?


An excellent question Becky.

Look, my wife knows that I am a huge hit with the lady blog community (as well as the model train community and the Accordion Players Association of Idaho), and she does not have a jealous brain in her body. Or is it a jealous bone in her body?  Bone makes more sense because you have more than one.  Saying she doesn't have a jealous brain in her body implies that she may have more than one brain, which, I must admit, would explain a lot.

Another question, this one from Sharma Klosenose, from the great state of Alaska:
What's your secret to lifelong happiness?

These questions are amazing, but they are coming out of left field, which is odd because left field is generally where you put the kid that totally sucks at catching and throwing.  I'm not saying these people suck, just that these questions are coming from a generally sucky area from wens sucky questions generally come.

To answer your question, my secret to happiness is four-fold: 1. Eat 2. Pray 3. Love.  4. Avoid the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" at all costs.

Finally, a question from Daryl Armstrong III of Newnantucket, New Mexico:
Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?

Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, Facebook is great because I feel liked for almost everything I write.  Twitter is terrific too because people are constantly telling me I'm "RT", which I think stands for "Really Twisted" and I ALWAYS take that as a compliment.

On my way to work.

What I like to do is send all my Facebook friends an Event Invite asking them to view my latest tweet.  Then, I tweet, "You HAVE to check my latest Facebook status update." Then, my newest status update reads, "Check your email for the latest news from Abe." Then I send out a mass email inviting everyone to check my blog.  And then on my blog, I post that I'm about to announce something HUGE on Facebook.  And then I poke every one of my Facebook friends and post "I've decided to convert to the Amish and this will be the last you hear of me online."  And then, for a couple weeks after that, I grow a beard and wear a goofy Amish hat around town.

It's hilarious.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, I guess I'll go with Facebook.