Thursday, April 7, 2011

Cheeseboy's Five Tips for Extravagant Living on a Budget (Helpful advice.)

As a wealthy, well-to-do first grade teacher, I am frequently asked how I am able to live such a lavish and extravagant lifestyle.  After all, here I sit, king of OVER .24 acres, a satellite equipped television set and a bathroom with BOTH a tub AND a separate shower.*

Alas, given how hugely successful I have become in the money management sector, I thought it only fitting that I offer my followers some advice on how you too can become wealthy beyond your wildest imagination or dreams (Dreams or imagination - whatever is the more wilder in your mind).  

Thus, it is my pleasure to offer up five easy and guilt-free ways that you too can enjoy the highlife on a meager teacher's salary.

1. Investments

Well worth your money.
With what limited extra cash you do have, I strongly suggest making it work for you.**  The first thing I have done is trade all my cash dollar bills for Sacajawea gold dollars.  With the value of gold increasing like the value of tiger's blood, these Sacajaweas will soon be worth much more than a dollar.  Dare I say, they may be worth millions?***

Secondly, in the late 90's, I purchased stock in an up and coming company known as Beanie Babies.  And by "stock", I mean "stuffed animals".  I have over 300 in their original packaging****, waiting to be sold.  I haven't looked at what they are currently selling at, but 15 years ago, I was told that they would be worth thousands.  It's a nice little egg to have in my back pocket in case I need it.*****

2. Savings.

Through the years, I have managed to put money in banks. There are over 50 banks in our city and I am always a little nervous that the one I put my money in is going to go out of business.  

So here's the key: Put $20 in a savings account in every bank in your city.  That way, if one bank goes out of business, your loss is minimal and the rest of your money remains secure. Once you have $20 invested at every bank, invest $20 more at every bank.  BUT, make sure you open separate accounts for each $20 you invest.  

Thieves generally don't touch accounts with $20 or less in them.  At least the thieves in the Oceans movies.

Finally, NEVER use drive throughs.  I have no idea where those plastic canisters really go.

3. 401K

I don't have one.  Anything that PROMISES to give you $401,000 by the time you retire HAS GOT to be some sort of scam!  Delve into these shark infested waters at your own risk.

4. Couponing 

I hate clipping coupons but I love the discounts they give me.  So, wherever I go and spend money, I claim I had a coupon, but forgot it.  

"Oh, I swear I had a coupon for that lice medication. Let me check my wallet.******  It was for 20 cents off. Where did that thing go?" 

[Scrummaging through wallet.]

"Would you just like me to just take that off for you?"

"You mean the 20 cents, right?"

"Yes."

"That sounds like way too much trouble.  Can you just give it to me for free?"

"Can do, sir. Can do."

"You people know a thing or two about how to treat a customer."

Works every time.*******

5. Gas

With the ever-increasing price of gas, there are many ways to conserve and save money.  Of course, turning off your engine at stoplights is a given, but did you know how much gas you can save by turning off your engine at stop signs too? 

One other little trick that I like to do to save money is buying gas on the internet.  The shipping is a little expensive, but trust me, it's worth it in the end.  As an added bonus, when the UPS man arrives to drop off 20 gallons of gas, it is the perfect time to syphon gas from their trucks.  And the best part is the driver WANTS you to syphon their gas because it means he can head home early!********

*Shower originally made for the old lady that lived here before that had a fake hip and a strange things for showers.

** When making cash work for you, you are going to want to make sure the cash has all it's paperwork in order.  If it speaks in pesos, you might want to look elsewhere for help.

*** If you have a million of them.

**** Beanie Babies in their original packaging can be sold at 10% their actual original worth.

*****Eggs actually should not be placed in back pockets.  Especially eggs holding baby chicks.

*******This works way better if you have a purse.  Sometimes when I go fake couponing, I will carry a purse for this exact reason.

*******Works never times.

********Just a gut feeling.

50 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I definitely see an As Seen on TV gig, in your future.

mintifresh said...

You're like the Dave Ramsey who dresses up like a lunch lady/rapper/old lady with walker/Barney/homeless person!

Stolen Sentiments said...

Target Lady! Target Lady! Too bad you don't have JT in that shot, too. "First they were chapped, and then I burned them. I hope a third thing doesn't happen to them!"

Oilfield Trash said...

You might be on to something with those damn beanie babies.

-stephanie- said...

Just the other night I was at Barnes & Nobel looking through a Beanie Babies what they are worth book. (You can't make this stuff up) The thousands of stuffed crap that my kids have are worth about $7 apiece. If I can get them to let them go, your tip will have worked.

Cheryl said...

I think I might have missed out on the "buyers market" for Beanie Babies but the getting free gas from the UPS trucks....now there is a winner of an idea. I am cutting lengths of garden hose, as we speak. I will have you to thank for my cushy retirement.

baygirl32 said...

300 beanie babies in original packaging. cha ching!

Jamie said...

Special.....

My Oatmeal Kisses said...

You had lice...Good idea to get things for free though! I don't know if I have the guts to pull it off though!

The Church Lady said...

Oh swell! You have the Beanie Baby collection?? I am looking for Swiper (you know, from Dora the Explorer). It is the last one I need to complete my collection. I hear it is worth over $20!!

I have tried that fake couponing thing too. It never works for me.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Ka-CHING!!!!!!

~rubs hands greedily~

I am going to be soooooooo wealth-ehhh!

Thanks for the cheesy tips, Abe.

They didn't put your portrait on a penny for nothing!!!

Keetha Broyles said...

While I find these "road to millions" tips fascinating, I'm wondering why you are Cheeseboy with a rectangular cheesehead icon when you don't appear, according to your profile, to live in my fair state?

Are you a transplant?

Do you need a transplant?

Do you just love cheeseheads no matter their size/shape?

Are you hungry???

Inquiring minds want to know - - - -

Kate said...

The coupon trick is brilliant. Or would be, if it worked. I did learn accidentally that Kohl's will honor your Kohl's cash even if it's expired. It's like finding $20 in your wallet that you have to spend other money to get and can only spend at one store. But still, that one store is about 2 blocks from my house, so it tends to get plenty of my money...

...and as an added bonus, I don't have to spend gas money to drive my car there...it's close enough that I can just push the car there instead. That way I get to get my workout and my shopping accomplished at once. And save money by cancelling my gym membership.

sinika said...

I have a collection of trolls for my nest egg...

(This is one of my fav posts of yours.)

Lazarus said...

Great post, thanks for the excellent financial advice but the one word that will stick with me is "scrummaging." Nicely done!

Impulsive Addict said...

I quit teaching because I was making too much money and it was too hard to keep up with my extravagant lifestyle.

So this may be my favorite Cheese post EVER! LOVED IT!

I hope that I can be like you when I grow up.

*fingers crossed*

Gary Baker said...

You make me yearn for the days I lectured in Applied mechanics at Ealing University.
Giddy days: I'd catch the bus to and from my lavish apartment / room (dining / kitchen / bathing / sleeping / sitting / entertaining combo areas).
Here's my top tip from those heady times: buy your coffee from a student using that most reliable of all academic currencies - the (false) promise of better grades.
May seem like bad form at first glance but evidence of a student's commitment is a useful assessment aid. Your Honor.

Shrinky said...

How could you have so selfishly sat on these gems of wisdom for so long? Especially the beanies (does the same value apply to slightly chewed, balding ones?)..

Queen Mahin said...

Buying gas over the internet! Awesome! Amazon?
:)

Tony Van Helsing said...

Thanks for the unsound advice. Drive Thru banks? No wonder America has a weight problem.

laughingmom said...

Perhaps buying Lice medication everywhere you shop would get you lots of free things as the clerk will want to get you through their line with as little contact as possible! Great ideas! I'm sure that my kids Beanie Babies are worth millions now that they are fire survivors (smoke smell free of charge!).

Jenn said...

Ok, so what you are saying is that I've been doing it all wrong this whole time...??? Well except for the 401K part... I don't need no stinkin' retirement!!

Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking? said...

I made fun of some of my friends for collecting those damn Beanie Babies. Over the years, I've managed to grow quite the collection because my friends hate me & still buy the damn things for me...

At least it's not my money that was, ahem, invested.

Minnie said...

Man! I was going to retire with the Beanie Baby collection! Now what? We should get them for their Bernie Madoff-style scam! I knew we couldn't trust those Beanie Baby speculators.

T said...

I am sittin' pretty on my beanie babies collection... which - in hindsight - maybe be reducing their value... (note: most given as gifts when I was a kindergarten teacher back in "the day")

M-Cat said...

While all the tips are very worthwhile(particularly the couponing), I am still stuck on the fact that you have a bathroom with a tub AND a seperate shower! Really> I bet you even have TWO bathrooms.

See, I KNEW I should have tried my hand at being an educator. I have no second bathroom and I have to suffer with a tub/shower combo. Sucks to be me

Krista said...

I think Beanie Babies may be cheaper than clay pigeons.

Lisa Loo said...

What is this thing you call ...s-a-t-e-l-l-i-t-e???

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Somehow the Beanie Babies thing didn't surprise me...

Bees With Honey said...

Oh my, Beanie Babies. I haven't seen those in like forever! LOL

That's definitely a gold mine.

imbeingheldhostage said...

I've been doing it all wrong!

I'm pulling out my 401k tomorrow and investing on a collection of McD's Beanie Babies right away. Thanks CB!!

Emmy said...

Your Wordless Wednesday was funny but an easy way out, but this this was just pure genius! Laughing out loud a lot.
How often do you have to buy lice medication? Well I guess you do teach first grade.. :)

SueLovesCherries said...

You are my guru - thanks for the advise!

Kristen said...

My Mom had A LOTof Beanie Babies years ago- I must be her favorite child because she says they are in her will just for me.

I feel like your tips have really helped me - starting an action plan tomorrow!

Logical Libby said...

I tried the coupon thing. It didn't work. Maybe I just don't have your charm.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Oh, Cheese! How I have MISSED you!! Hilarious post, as always!

My Dad was also a school teacher for over 30 years. Boy, did we rake-in the cash. We kids loved teasing The Help, making poor Jeeves the butler don a dress and have tea parties with us. Then there were the endless trips abroad and visits with the Queen.

Let me tell you, it was a real shock when I left home and had to face the real world. It was tough learning to live without that massive teacher's income.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I never got Beanie Babies. Really, how stupid are those things? Barely even cute. Of course, I thought Cabbage Patch dolls were stupid, too, until Spielberg put one in one of his movies and they sold by the bazillion bajillions. I forget which one... but I'm pretty sure it wasn't The Duel or Schindler's List.

W.C.Camp said...

Yeah we have a tub of my daughter's old Beanies too - I bet they are worth at least 3 or 4 bucks? I raid the big bin behind the donut shop too after hours - those day olds bring a pretty penny when trading with the kids at the lemonade stand.
W.C.C.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Crap - and here I just spent an hour clipping coupons. I've been doing it all wrong. You should have posted this long ago. Hilarious!

Connie said...

Here I was, jotting down all your sage advice only to find that it's not sage at all!

Thanks for the laugh!

Melinda said...

So you're telling me I'm going to be a millionaire with my saves beanie babies?!?! Thank you Cheeseboy--thank you!!!

Kelley said...

I was laughing out loud in so many places in this one. How nice of the cashier to give you FREE lice medication!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

This post just got funnier and funnier. Thanks for the tips, especially the one about stealing gas from the UPS truck. I'm thinking that could have added benefits. (I get the guy in tight shorts stuck at my place because he's tapped out.) You're the best, Cheeseboy.
xoRobyn

Joann Mannix said...

You might want to hook up with the soccer moms on my daughter's soccer team. Dude, they have made couponing an art form. One of them gets up early and drives around stealing newspapers out of people's driveways. Another one of them is in charge of printing the online coupons for everyone. She says it takes about 3 hours a day. (Sounds a bit like blogging). Another one of them is in charge of finding the stores that won't give them a hard time about using 45,000 coupons when they check out. You would fit in fantastically with them. You could give them all your tips.

Also, too, go check out Erin of Tesori Travati's blog. http://treasures-found.blogspot.com/2011/04/there-is-limit.html#comments

She gave some incredible shout outs. I'm there. Oh, and you might be there, too. I'm not sure. I was just more into myself.

Mamma has spoken said...

You'll be the next financal wizard on MSNBC! I can't wait to call in and ask you money questions!

Pat said...

Wait. You mean 401K DOESN'T really mean $401,000?!! Who knew?

With our truck averaging about 6 miles to the gallon, can a UPS truck just follow us around and GIVE us 20 gallons of gas? Of course, that would only be half a tank!

MiMi said...

I do this whole fake coupon thing at Kohl's all the time. Because they always have a coupon going on and so you just say, "Oh, I forgot my coupon," and they just give you the discount.
Betcha never saw that one coming for real! ;)

Lourie said...

How about "Collector Barbies?" Some of those things run almost $100.

Rachel said...

Ooh, ooh, pick me!! I totally know the answer to the bank drive through plastic thingies!

Occasionally, a customer will drive off with one of them!

Don't ask me how I know.


Gah, now I feel all left behind on the whole Beanie Baby investment...

ThreeOldKeys said...

You know, we might have followed the same investment advice. In 1995, our banker suggested we put everything into Beanie Babies ... but man, all those safe deposit boxes are getting expensive. Do you think it would be okay to double them up in there?