Saturday, April 16, 2011
This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates
4-15-11 at 3:05 PM: When my son asked me where Easter eggs come from, I told him that I was pretty sure they come from a rainbow's fallopian tubes.
4-15-11 at 3:00 PM: "But dad, we can't go home! We didn't even get to try out the zipline we made." - Proof that I am a good father.
4-14-11 at 7:37 PM: Facebook "Upcoming Events" should be retitled, "Weird Crap my Friends are Trying to get Other People Into".
4-14-11 at 5:47 PM: I've learned that a Pinewood Derby car is the nicest thing a father can do for a son that the son is supposed to do himself.
4-13-11 at 7:48 PM: My 5yo, just came into the room with a plastic sword, yelled "LOOK DAD, THIS BOOMERANG IS BROKEN!" and threw it at my head.
4-13-11 at 3:49 PM: Talking about heros today and a student asked me who my hero was. I told him Bill Murray. He asked who that was and I told him that he fought ghosts and then freed the slaves. He said Bill Murray was his new hero too. I love molding young minds.
4-12-11 at 9:00 PM: Of the "Diary of..." books for kids, I put Wimpy Kid slightly above Anne Frank. But it's close. Real close.
4-11-11 at 6:18 PM: Rod Stewart's son, Sean has started following me on Twitter. My fame reaches no bounds.
4-10-11 at 4:39 PM: The total number of times I have walked into our screen door has not yet exceeded the total number of times I have fallen while putting my pants on.
4-9-11 at 12:03 PM: Ribs are my a Chili's heel.
4-8-11 at 4:21 PM: In 1st grade today the heat came on and a duct in the ceiling shook and made a strange sound. I said, "The ceiling just tooted." Somehow this became the funniest thing ever said in school, ever.
4-7-11 at 4:23 PM: I sang the entire theme to Mr. Belvedere to my first graders today to blank stares. Kids nowadays just don't appreciate butler themed vigoroso.
4-6-11 at 7:29 PM: Our library is right next to Barnes & Noble. Sometimes when I pick up some books, I'll wave them at the B&N snobs and yell "SUCKERS!"
4-6-11 at 3:53 PM: Instead of banning Happy Meal toys, they should require McDonalds to tear out playlands and replace them with treadmills and Zumba classes.
4-5-11 at 7:27 AM: I bet if you play Rebecca Black's "Friday" song backwards, it says "nuf, nuf, nuf, nuf" like 100 times.
4-4-11 at 6:36 PM: The next time I have surgery, I am going to show up to the hospital with a buzzing red lightbulb on my nose and a giant pair of tweezers.
4-3-11 at 5:41 PM: I really can't think of anything funny to say today. I am like a writer for the Jay Leno show.
4-2-11 at 5:54 PM: I'd love to kill two birds with one stone. But a better idea would be to roll a giant boulder around an Aviary.
4-1-11 at 4:00 PM: Last night I ordered the McDonalds "Angus Burger" because I wanted a classier type of diarrhea than I normally get at McDonalds.
3-31-11 at 8:25 PM: I am, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest straight, hairy-armed, 34-year-old white man dancing to Ke$ha's "Tick Tock" while driving a minivan this world has ever seen.
3-31-11 at 4:30 PM: So apparently today is "do not buy gas day" which was perfect because I only had to wait in line for 20 minutes at Costco rather than the normal 35.
3-30-11 at 4:52 PM: Just bought a boatload of ice cream sandwiches because I want to be skinny but still eat like a cow.
3-29-11 at 7:03 PM: People that get trampolines are telling the neighbors, "I'll do anything to be the cool parent, even if it means breaking your kid's arm."
3-28-11 at 7:17 PM: The day I start watching Dancing with the Stars is the day Dora's friend Boots is chosen as a contestant.
3-27-11 at 9:12 PM: If Neil Diamond were alive today, he would probably write a song called, "Never in Jeggings".
3-26-11 at 12:11 PM: I'm going to go into a McDonalds play area with an empty collar and a leash and start yelling, "Speckles?! Are you up there Speckles?!" - - - And then when my son finally comes down, I am going to put the leash on him and tell everyone, "His name is Speckles".
3-26-11 at 12:03 PM: People that use the word "thang" are just so ridonkulous.
3-25-11 at 8:12 PM: Chuck-E-Cheese is a lot like Las Vegas for kids. Except the adults there aren't nearly as classy as in Vegas.
3-24-11 at 9:21 PM: I bet if you could smell that "Poke" finger on Facebook, it would smell pretty dang nasty.
3-23-11 at 11:06 PM: I am actually a proponent of kids riding backward in car seats until the age of 16 or the height of 5' 10", whatever comes first. After age 16, if they get caught texting while driving, it's back to the car seat for them!
3-23-11 at 4:17 PM: The Sampsonites had to be the most prepared people to meet God in all of the scriptures. Or at the very least, the people with the nicest luggage for the journey.
3-22-11 at 5:17 PM: I'm wearing a 16 year old plaid jacket thing which is great because my wife has informed me that plaid is back in. She then proceeds to tell me that my clothes are so old that they have gone from in-style to out of style to back in. Therefore, I believe that makes me a trend setter.
3-21-11 at 4:12 PM: I bet Ke$ha's little sister, Mi¢helle feels so cheap most of the time.
3-20-11 at 4:27 PM: Pretty sure God would want me to obey the Sabbath today by eating this pile of nachos and watching 7 straight hours of basketball.
3-19-11 at 9:17 AM: The morning after Five Guys starts with guilt, then shame and then the invariable acceptance that you will eventually do it again, and often.
3-18-11 at 4:26 PM: The jerks that leave a paper jam in the copier have to be the same people that don't flush the toilet when they are done.