Saturday, April 16, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

It's that time of month again.  Before you jump off the couch and head to Rite Aid to buy some more feminine hygiene products, I mean that it's that time of the month that I list all of highest rated Facebook status updates in one post.  Yes, I'll admit that this is a lazy blog post, but overall I get very good feedback on it.  So, without further ado, I give you the updates.

4-15-11 at 3:05 PM: When my son asked me where Easter eggs come from, I told him that I was pretty sure they come from a rainbow's fallopian tubes.


4-15-11 at 3:00 PM"But dad, we can't go home! We didn't even get to try out the zipline we made." - Proof that I am a good father.


4-14-11 at 7:37 PMFacebook "Upcoming Events" should be retitled, "Weird Crap my Friends are Trying to get Other People Into".


4-14-11 at 5:47 PM: I've learned that a Pinewood Derby car is the nicest thing a father can do for a son that the son is supposed to do himself.


4-13-11 at 7:48 PM: My 5yo, just came into the room with a plastic sword, yelled "LOOK DAD, THIS BOOMERANG IS BROKEN!" and threw it at my head.


4-13-11 at 3:49 PMTalking about heros today and a student asked me who my hero was. I told him Bill Murray. He asked who that was and I told him that he fought ghosts and then freed the slaves. He said Bill Murray was his new hero too. I love molding young minds.


4-12-11 at 9:00 PMOf the "Diary of..." books for kids, I put Wimpy Kid slightly above Anne Frank. But it's close. Real close.


4-11-11 at 6:18 PMRod Stewart's son, Sean has started following me on Twitter. My fame reaches no bounds.


4-10-11 at 4:39 PM: The total number of times I have walked into our screen door has not yet exceeded the total number of times I have fallen while putting my pants on.


4-9-11 at 12:03 PMRibs are my a Chili's heel.


4-8-11 at 4:21 PMIn 1st grade today the heat came on and a duct in the ceiling shook and made a strange sound. I said, "The ceiling just tooted." Somehow this became the funniest thing ever said in school, ever.


4-7-11 at 4:23 PMI sang the entire theme to Mr. Belvedere to my first graders today to blank stares. Kids nowadays just don't appreciate butler themed vigoroso.


4-6-11 at 7:29 PMOur library is right next to Barnes & Noble. Sometimes when I pick up some books, I'll wave them at the B&N snobs and yell "SUCKERS!"


4-6-11 at 3:53 PMInstead of banning Happy Meal toys, they should require McDonalds to tear out playlands and replace them with treadmills and Zumba classes.


4-5-11 at 7:27 AMI bet if you play Rebecca Black's "Friday" song backwards, it says "nuf, nuf, nuf, nuf" like 100 times.


4-4-11 at 6:36 PMThe next time I have surgery, I am going to show up to the hospital with a buzzing red lightbulb on my nose and a giant pair of tweezers.


4-3-11 at 5:41 PM: I really can't think of anything funny to say today. I am like a writer for the Jay Leno show.


4-2-11 at 5:54 PMI'd love to kill two birds with one stone. But a better idea would be to roll a giant boulder around an Aviary.


4-1-11 at 4:00 PMLast night I ordered the McDonalds "Angus Burger" because I wanted a classier type of diarrhea than I normally get at McDonalds.


3-31-11 at 8:25 PMI am, without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest straight, hairy-armed, 34-year-old white man dancing to Ke$ha's "Tick Tock" while driving a minivan this world has ever seen.


3-31-11 at 4:30 PMSo apparently today is "do not buy gas day" which was perfect because I only had to wait in line for 20 minutes at Costco rather than the normal 35.


3-30-11 at 4:52 PMJust bought a boatload of ice cream sandwiches because I want to be skinny but still eat like a cow.


3-29-11 at 7:03 PMPeople that get trampolines are telling the neighbors, "I'll do anything to be the cool parent, even if it means breaking your kid's arm."


3-28-11 at 7:17 PMThe day I start watching Dancing with the Stars is the day Dora's friend Boots is chosen as a contestant.


3-27-11 at 9:12 PMIf Neil Diamond were alive today, he would probably write a song called, "Never in Jeggings".


3-26-11 at 12:11 PMI'm going to go into a McDonalds play area with an empty collar and a leash and start yelling, "Speckles?! Are you up there Speckles?!" - - - And then when my son finally comes down, I am going to put the leash on him and tell everyone, "His name is Speckles".


3-26-11 at 12:03 PMPeople that use the word "thang" are just so ridonkulous.


3-25-11 at 8:12 PMChuck-E-Cheese is a lot like Las Vegas for kids. Except the adults there aren't nearly as classy as in Vegas.


3-24-11 at 9:21 PMI bet if you could smell that "Poke" finger on Facebook, it would smell pretty dang nasty.


3-23-11 at 11:06 PMI am actually a proponent of kids riding backward in car seats until the age of 16 or the height of 5' 10", whatever comes first. After age 16, if they get caught texting while driving, it's back to the car seat for them!


3-23-11 at 4:17 PMThe Sampsonites had to be the most prepared people to meet God in all of the scriptures. Or at the very least, the people with the nicest luggage for the journey.


3-22-11 at 5:17 PMI'm wearing a 16 year old plaid jacket thing which is great because my wife has informed me that plaid is back in. She then proceeds to tell me that my clothes are so old that they have gone from in-style to out of style to back in. Therefore, I believe that makes me a trend setter.


3-21-11 at 4:12 PMI bet Ke$ha's little sister, Mi¢helle feels so cheap most of the time.


3-20-11 at 4:27 PM: Pretty sure God would want me to obey the Sabbath today by eating this pile of nachos and watching 7 straight hours of basketball.


3-19-11 at 9:17 AMThe morning after Five Guys starts with guilt, then shame and then the invariable acceptance that you will eventually do it again, and often.


3-18-11 at 4:26 PMThe jerks that leave a paper jam in the copier have to be the same people that don't flush the toilet when they are done.

41 comments:

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I just read these out to my kids and they are like your first graders, thinking you are the funniest blogger. Ever.
Even funnier than their mother. Not that I'm jealous....

lindsey v said...

What's with you listening to crappy music lately? I guess if you listen to just enough to get a good facebook post, then it's okay.
My favorite is the "no gasoline day".

Stolen Sentiments said...

Hmm... Some of these look familiar...

tammy said...

How did I miss the boomerang one and the pinewood derby one? I must be slacking in my stalking skills.

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious. Especially the comment about the angus burger.

Emmy said...

I am always amazed at how many I seem to have missed along the way. And by being put all in one post like this it is like a months worth of your humor all at once. And that is a good thing.....I think ;)

Antares Cryptos said...

These are funny. I'm not in first grade. Both statements are true.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You always make me laugh, Abe. In particular, your kids add so much humor to your writing and vlogs. E.g., You ARE a good father for not letting them try their self-made zipline. We know they won't thank you for that until they deny their kids the same opportunity.
xoRobyn

Lene said...

Guess what we call the McDonalds angus burger?

Yep, you are right.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Again, almost makes me want to join Facebook....

Kelley said...

I love these! My favorite? That one about showing up to surgery with a red lightbulb on your nose and a giant pair of tweezers. You so crazy!

Brittney said...

omg these are hilarious!

-stephanie- said...

If I had Facebook I'd be reading these again. Funny stuff.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I'm stealing the Facebook "poke" comment. Thank you very much.

Leaving you some Lysol wipes so you can clean up the comment box, after my visit. :-D

Ostriches Look Funny said...

Awesomeness. I'm going to have my third c-section in a month or so...I'm seriously considering the red nose/tweezer thing. Seriously.

Marnie said...

I love these status updates! Esp. the one about poking...Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger...just saying!

Cruella Collett said...

Hahaha, oh, the broken boomerang and Mi¢helle cracked me up. Well, the rest of them too, but these two left lasting scars.

Mel said...

You are ridonculous, you crazy thang!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

I was concentrating on which ones were my favorite so that I could put them here in my comment, but my brain couldn't hold that many numbers!!
Have to say, I do like your Sabbath day style though :-)

Lisa Loo said...

I almost didn't make it past the first one--"rainbows fallopian tubes"--bwahahaha---I kept trying to picture your son's face and response---

And the stone around the Aviary--this really was one of your finer months.....{{{collapses in a heap of giggles}}}}}}

Pedaling said...

best status updates ever read.
now I'm wondering why we're not "friends."

M-Cat said...

You never cease to make me laugh. Serio - you need to take your show on the road.

And if you get to be "friends" with Pedaling on FB - I am crying foul - she still isn't my "friend"

"Miss Bee" said...

How did I miss the one about the Angus Burger?! I'm normally a stick in the mud and think jokes about diarrhea are distasteful (picture me scrunching up my face like "ew, you are so gross.)But CLASSY diarrhea? Who can resist laughing at that?

Lourie said...

I love the car seat one. Especially the part about texting while driving.

Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Yes, That's My Real Name. (Hi Dad.) said...

YOU are my hero. fighting ghosts and freeing slaves is for amateurs.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You seriously didn't let them try the zipline? Sheesh.
And? Those paper jam people? I could not agree more. Also? They are the same types who leave colored paper in the copy machine, so all your stuff comes out on odd color paper.

mintifresh said...

Always a pleasure! Always.

MiMi said...

Hahahahaha!!! The events one is SO stinkin' true!
Every time my friend has an event I'm thinking, "What kinda crap is that?!"

The Church Lady said...

You just made me realize something - FB should have a LOVE button (you know, instead of LIKE), I LOVE the Five Guys wise crack.

Oh hell, I LOVE them all!

Marlene said...

Yes, the word "toot" is pretty funny to a school aged kid. Heck, it's pretty funny to me, too....and I haven't been school-aged since, well, never mind.

Next week, try "fart". I guarantee it will top "toot".

Lazarus said...

Abe, I follow you on FB, as you know, but I missed some of these along the way, thanks for the recap, funny stuff!

Jenn said...

I so look forward to these... maybe if I actually followed you on facebook I could get this sort of laugh every day...hhhmmmm... maybe I should think about that one.....

TisforTonya said...

man - I only get about 1/2 of these on Twitter...

apparently I don't spend enough time on the computer?

ummm... that was a rhetorical question, don't answer.

randine said...

I am SO happy it's that time of the month- and not that other time.
I have to so totally agree with you that people who say 'thang' are ridonkulous, even though I hate the word ridonkulous and under any other circumstances wouldn't be caught dead using it, but in this situation it's actually appropriate. In fact, any other word just wouldn't do.

Pat Tillett said...

Too funny! They are all too good to pick a favorite!

Joann Mannix said...

You're such an ass. And you know I mean that, in the nicest way. You're such a krunking, redonkulous hilarious, assthang.

Hope I didn't upset the PG-13 balance there.

Missy said...

OMG! You need to Replace Jay Leno and the Letterman guy!!!
Love this!

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

Spectacularly amazing month of statuses dude.

The Zany Housewife said...

You're killing me.

No. Really. Quit being so damn funny. You're making me look bad.

Teachinfourth said...

Bill Murray is my hero, too...

Deborah said...

Is Neil Diamond deal? OMG! I'm devastated!

"Ribs are my a Chili's heel"

All of them kill me, but this one made me squirt tears.