Monday, April 18, 2011

The Perfect Post

Not quite perfect, but it will do.
For three years I've tried to write the perfect post, and I have not yet succeeded.

I tried and tried and wrote and wrote - inspiration is what I needed.

Wait, does that rhyme?  Holy crap, that rhymes.  I do not want this to be a rhyming post.  A rhyming post would never qualify as the perfect post.  Maybe for Shel Silverstein and his psycho babble, but not fore me.

My perfect post must be perfectly supreme.  Like Diana Ross, before she touched Lil' Kim's breast on national TV.  Or Clarence Thomas's polished coke can.

The perfect post must be strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.  It must hold you, thrill you, kiss you, kill you. Bono must sing about it.

My post must be so alarmingly well done, Sean Penn will beg to take it to Haiti and use it as medicine.  This post must be the thing that Oprah trades all her 'favorite things' for.

The perfect post must have spunk, pizzaz and flair. It must be fetching, tantalizing and pulchritudinous.  Especially pulchritudinous, lots of pulchritudinous.

My perfect post must "stand the test of time" and there's "no time like the present".  So it must stand the test of the present. It must stand today.  It must stand.

Speaking of standing, the perfect post must be able to stand on it's own two feet, which means it must be at least as stable as an agile baby, or a gorilla, or a well trained dog.

The post must be less - because less is more.  And then it must be more, because its already been less and, more or less, less is more.  So it needs to be less.

The perfect post must grow like a mighty oak. It must also speak softly and carry a big stick.  Good thing it is an oak.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.  Thus, my oak post must be mighty in girth, not height. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that there's no way a fat, chunky oak falls hard, or even falls at all, unless someone is standing out on its limb.

My post must be a labour of love.  But not like a childbirth love-labour. That would just be gross.

The perfect post must crack my audience up and leave them in stitches.  It also must cut to the chase and have an axe to grind.  Pretty much, it must beat the living crap out of its audience and then murder them with a ground up axe.

Alas, I have not yet written the perfect post, but that's not to say that I don't have something in the bag... or up my sleeve... or skidmarks in my underwear.  Two of those three things I definitely have.

I undoubtedly am leaving you on pins and needles, like a careless and unqualified acupuncturist. Instead, I'll leave you hanging, like a very forgetful gallower.

But that's the way the Cheeseboy rolls; I like to keep you guessing. One of these days I'll write that perfect post, but I am not going to let the cat out of the bag.

(That's last thing is a figure of speech.  I do not actually have a cat in a bag.  Well, maybe I do.  I have a lot of bags just lying around.  I haven't heard any meow in a while.) 

54 comments:

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

This was perfect. This was a perfect rambling. This was a perfect rambling of thoughts. This was a perfect rambling of thoughts from your head. This was a perfect post of rambling thoughts from your head written on your blog.

...I like the skidmarks part best. :)

Kristina P. said...

I wonder what entails the perfect comment? Filled with Snuggies and unicorns?

Cluttered Brain said...

I think you have already written several perfect posts...you make all my family members laugh...
Keep me guessing cheeseboy, cause I LOVE your blog!

Lazarus said...

The picture of the fence post was a strong start and it got better from there. Bravo!

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

"I'll leave you hanging, like a very forgetful gallower"

Favorite cheese line ever.

+1,000 points for pulchritudinous.

Keetha Broyles said...

Oh goodness, Cheeseboy. I'm not sure the perfect post exists.

That one you captured in your picture is pretty perfect.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

And for the perfect post, here's the perfect comment...

You're wonderful, you're brilliant, you are the best blogger evah, blah, blah, blah.... yadda yadda yadda!

Kate said...

There's one line in here that made this post almost perfect.

"Pretty much, it must beat the living crap out of its audience and then murder them with a ground up axe."

Oh and the Bono reference got you an extra 4.5 points.

Joann Mannix said...

It became your most perfect post, the second you mentioned a certain someone and you know who that certain someone is. Any time you want a perfect post, you know what to write.

And why do all men have skidmarks? Is that part of the rules for men? I just don't get that.

lisleman said...

don't fence us in with a perfect post. What would happen after the perfect post? Angels sing? But what could you follow up the perfect post with. It would be too much pressure for me. Be careful you might get post traumatic stress from this.

Glamazon said...

Oh my, Cheeseboy, you kill me! Less is more, unless you are a 400-lb-woman in a string bikini, in which case more should probably be mandated by law. You are silly. And you keep reaching for that ever-elusive star, one day you will catch it. And Bono will sing about it. In fact, you can even aim higher, and Beiber could sing about it. There may very well be a silly band in the shape of a cheeseboy. Sigh. Aim high, young man, aim high.

The Church Lady said...

I dunno Abe. Whenver I read your posts, I always think, now that was the perfect post! I never know how you will top it with another, yet you never fail me/us.

Oilfield Trash said...

This was pretty close to being perfect.

M-Cat said...

You have already achieved your goal. Any time a post mentions skidmarks in underwear, is pretty much perfection and cannot be topped. Unless of course, it is accompanied by pictures. Then I think you will have achieved Mega stardom

Kate said...

LOL-ing at Glamazon. More should definitely be mandated.

I clearly didn't read closely enough (my reading was as ramble-y as your writing) because I read it as SONNY BONO would sing about it, and I wondered what the big thrill was there. Although, at this point, if Sonny Bono DID sing about one of your posts, that would be pretty impressive. Sorry, JoAnn, but maybe even more impressive than Bono. Yes, voices from the grave definitely trump live stars, even Bono.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

The parenthetical ending was a thing of beauty. Pure, unadulterated genius. It should be cross-stitched, framed and hung on the wall of every reader's home.

I plan on memorizing it. Perhaps I will call it my 14th AoF.

Tom said...

I think you have come pretty close to the perfect post on many occasions.

Crystal Pistol said...

I'm concerned about the skidmarks in your underwear. Seeing as you're a grown man who teaches children daily and all...

They look up to you, man! Does that mean NOTHING?

Susan in the Boonies said...

In lieu of the perfect post, I recommend you go perfectly postal.

At least you'll go out in a blaze of glory.

That's the best I've got.

Robyn said...

Let's just say that if there was a little box for "perfect" in addition to "hilarious" etc., I would've checkmarked that one for this post. It's as perfectly Cheeseboy as they get.
xoRobyn

A Daft Scots Lass said...

There is no such thing as the perfect post.

We are not perfect.

We are all unique and so are you!

forget perfect just we YOU

imbeingheldhostage said...

I laughed. I thought I'd die. I died, they buried me, they covered me with sand. It tickled. I laughed. I thought I'd die. I died! They buried me, they covered me with sand...

You know the perfect ending to a post about perfect posts would have been to add a PostScript, right?

lifeshighway said...

The perfect comment is succinct.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I dunno. Like Joann I'm still hung up on the skidmarks. Men can buy the most expensive underwear, like designer underwear that costs a week's pay, and they'll still streak 'em. If I was Calvin Klein I don't think I'd knowingly put my name on an item that will have inevitably have skidmarks.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

I agree with the others, I believe that WAS the perfect post! Congrats! And BTW, have fun in York! Let me know if you LOVE it so much you MUST stay forever! You know why!

The Stiffs said...

pretty perfect to me.

Jenn said...

Did he just say skidmarks?????

Mindy said...

"Pretty much, it must beat the living crap out of its audience and then murder them with a ground up axe."
I've written one of these before and it usually makes you lose followers. Maybe you should strike this one off the list.

laughingmom said...

This would make a great poster.

TisforTonya said...

I'm just voting that if one of the three things you have is the skidmarks that you leave any further discussion of such out of your perfect post. Mostly because I don't think there are any metaphors involving skidmarks...

jennifer said...

No Cheeseboy, THAT was perfect. But do keep trying anyway. I wouldn't want you to rest on your laurels now that you have achieved your goal.

Bossy Betty said...

Except for the occasional splinter, this was indeed a perfect post.

Pearl said...

Cheese, you delightfully goofy bastard ya.

I vote you king of blogs.

Pearl

PBJdreamer said...

Cheeseboy


You are pulchritudinous

heeeee


that is all

Lisa Loo said...

Random rambles are the best.....

Holly Ruggiero said...

Well crude, I thought you were going to teach up how to write the perfect post or at least stick on in the ground.

W.C.Camp said...

That IS one perfect looking post. As for your blog, I am still looking up all those cliche's in the dictionary. So far, it seems pretty good but I'm doubtful it is perfect! W.C.C.

baygirl32 said...

pretty much perfect more or less

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think I just heard The Edge singing - close enough?

dbs said...

Very impressive. I think you just won the imaginary blog lottery. *speaks over crowd* "Please, give this man more notoriety, and some money too! Bono! Get over here!"

GrammyMouseTails said...

nice picture of a post! and lots of cliches... but I think you forgot a few, or are you saving them for your next perfect post?

Alittlesprite said...

Cheeseboy you have most definatly already wrote the perfect post. It's up to the person who reads it at the time. They will sit there and think.. Wow.. he is right, this is written just for me.

That's the perfect post.

Desperate Housemommy said...

Pulchritudinous? What is that? Whatever it is, it must be perfect.

And I like the way you came full circle and stopped on a dime with skidmarks.

This was, indeed, the perfect post. Color me puce with envy.

Debbie said...

Oh, to be in a Bono song. You will know you have arrived when that happens.

Krista said...

It was perfectly entertaining!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Uh ... pulchritudinous? I'm off to find my dictionary. So um ... Happy Birthday... almost .. for real!

Lourie said...

I wondered what happened to our cat.

Kathy said...

Oh Cheeseboy,

I do believe you have indeed posted the perfect post using the word pulchritudinous. Pure perfection or at least would pass with a good shove.

Marnie said...

This was the perfect post! There is so much to think about when writing.

Teachinfourth said...

Man, so we still have to wait?

Curses...

Connie said...

You've come close...very close.

Kelley said...

This IS the perfect post! You even had a picture of it. Also? 51 people , now 52, have commented on it, so it must be at least NEAR pefect. Further proof? I laughed out loud many times, Skiddy.

SueLovesCherries said...

The Holy Grail of blogs - if you write it, I will come.

Hart Johnson said...

*falls over* Looks like you'vee got your work cut out for you. I will stick with my daily underachieving...