Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter Egg Hunts: Pure Evil

The Blog O' Cheese is on hiatus for my birthday and vacation.  Please enjoy this repost about Easter Egg hunts from April 6, of last year.
There ain't nothing worse than a really great Easter Egg hunt in your local community.

On your mark... get set... TEAR EACH OTHERS' ARMS OFF!

Who hasn't been to an Easter Egg hunt with more than five kids that DIDN'T end with at least one kid in tears? Hands? Hands? That's right, you're too busy drying your eggless kid's tears with a dirty old Arctic Circle napkin you threw in your glove compartment 6 months ago.

Egg hunts are NEVER properly organized and NEVER properly supervised. I've seen kids trampled without a second thought or shoved into a cactus like a cornucopia filled with with broccoli... all in the name of a plastic egg with a black licorice jelly bean rattling around inside.

No, egg hunts are less about the spirit of Easter and more about who is the quickest, meanest and most brutal bully in a group of 100 bullies.

Can you imagine what would happen if at Christmas we hid all the toys in a park, brought all the neighborhood children together and said: OK, HAVE AT IT! After 10 minutes, there wouldn't be an unbloodied, uncrying kid left!

Hey, while we're at it, instead of trick-or-treating, we should just pour all the candy in the middle of the church gym and count down from 10. Heck, we could even throw up some chain-linked around the pile and have an all out grudge match. I'll bring child-sized brass knuckles.

I've actually attended egg hunts in which one egg holds a special prize - a $100 bill or a ticket for a free bicycle. As if an Easter Egg hunt wasn't already too much like a cruel Japanese game show! This little trick just ads fuel to an already blazing candy induced inferno. It's a little like Oprah hiding a bunch of keys around her studio and telling the audience, "Well, the more keys you find, the better chance you have at winning that Pontiac Aztec in the parking lot." Yeah, good luck finding a place to bury all those bodies Oprah.

Perhaps I am filled with such Easter ire because Mother Nature, or Father Time, or God (Who does decide this stuff?) made my boys in the extra small variety? Maybe it is because there are never enough plastic eggs in this world? Maybe it is that the younger kids always end up with the LEAST eggs, when it should be the other way around. Maybe it is simply the fact that I try and teach my boys and First Graders to share and avoid greedy gluttony instead of acting like ravenous, egg stealing rattlesnakes?

Whatever the case, I think we will stick with our simple egg hunt in the back yard with just me and the boys - that way I ONLY have two kids to trample and push into a cactus in order to get the most jelly filled plastic eggs. GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU STINKIN' KID!

Oh and hey, Happy Easter everybody!

PS: I'd like to add that I dedicate this post to my wife, who is really the one that hates large scale Easter Egg hunts. Also, she only occasionally laughs at my posts nowadays, so I am hoping to get her with one she is very passionate about.

38 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I so agree with you. I took my kids to one of the large scale ones and I felt like I was getting trampled to death at one of those cash throws you see on tv.

Keetha Broyles said...

LOL - - - sooooo true.

Reminds me of the clips I've seen on "Sports Nation" about the cheese disc race in Europe (maybe England or Scottland) somewhere. Have you seen that?

They roll a cheese round down a steep hill with racers tumbling over each other CHASING it.

lisleman said...

"cruel Japanese game show" - now that's a relatively new term that would have been unknown when I egg hunting age. The hunts do work better when they control hunting by age groups. Around here the weather is the biggest bully.

Mamma has spoken said...

Never took my sons to one of those Easter Eggs hunts. Instead my mother would have one for the 25 grandchildren. That was enough kids, and it got to the point where the eggs had to be colored coded. One color for each age group.
But I do miss those days...

The Bipolar Diva said...

Sounds like life around my house at dinner.

Kristina P. said...

Some of them I've been too have been rather smelly.

Kelloggsville said...

It's bottle kicking here, followed by a Hare Pie chase. I am absolutely serious. Bones DO get broken!

The Teacher's Pets said...

I never thought of the idea of putting all of the Christmas presents in the park and then "unleashing" all of the children to go out and grab as many gifts as they could carry out of there. Very interesting perspective. I don't understand what the Easter bunny has to do with Easter in the first place but I gotta admit that egg hunts are very cute (and sometimes dangerous)!

Christian Hollingsworth said...

Our family has mostly stuck with smaller easter egg hunts, so I can see where one of those larger ones could be rather difficult. It's like a bunch of animals going in for the kill!

SherilinR said...

those friggin things are the worst! we got invited to one last year where my kid came home with 3 eggs & one was because she snatched up one that an egg-hog dropped. and then they gave out awards to the kids who found the most eggs. are you kidding me? talk about rubbing salt into a wound at church!

Krista said...

I had a very similar experience with our first Easter egg hunt, also last year. We did not return this year.

http://krissysue2.blogspot.com/2010/04/i-took-owen-to-easter-egg-hunt-in-park.html

Everyday Goddess said...

i agree.

so that's why i just buy the super size bag of cadbury mini eggs and stay home.

does writing that make me look fat?

Lourie said...

We don't do the large scale Easter Egg hunts either. Though we did have the opportunity to go to Easter Egg Roll at the White House in 02. That was quite an experience.

Christine said...

When our first two children were 2 and 3 yrs old, we came home from a family Easter celebration with 8POUNDS of chocolate. I was very mean, and didn't let them eat one ounce. Chopped it up and made chocolate chip cookies, then rationed them out one cookie at a time. Bad Mommy, very bad Mommy.

clutteredbrain said...

I agree. That's why each Easter the Easter bunny hides eggs in the yard or in the house just for my kids. No community egg hunts for me...NO WAY!
lol.
Loved this post though.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY my friend!!!

M-Cat said...

We have always done our own easter egg hunt in our house with just our kids. Chloee was solo this year so she got every stinking egg and every piece of candy. NOthing better. When she is bigger and can be on the bully side of the scale, then maybe I will take her to a public one.

And please laugh Cheeseboy wife. He worked really, really hard on this one

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Happy Easter!♥

Alittlesprite said...

I am glad I have never subjected myself to this "Mass" egg hunting thing.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Is this the sort of thing I miss since I don't have kids?
Happy birthday, man!

Bits-n-Pieces said...

just wait until your kids are too old in age, but not in spirit, and can't understand why they can't be allowed to participate in the local egg hunt! no fun at all!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Loved this post! WOW, every bit of this is true. I've been worried that maybe my kids have been missing out on this tradition (NOT done over here), but you've reminded me that waking up to a giant Cadbury egg (no baskets with grass to tangle up the Hoover) is a much nicer idea then beating someone up for a bunch of plastic eggs.

Susan in the Boonies said...

It's a jungle out there!

TisforTonya said...

I have to agree on hating the huge hunts... Ugh and then some!

We've been celebrating ManOfTheHouse's birthday this weekend (yes, all weekend... because I'm awesome like that) - but you can pretend the cheesecake was for you too... :)

Cheryl said...

That was great and I am so glad you repeated it. Here in Kansas City the new rage for egg hunts is dropping huge amounts of eggs out of planes and helicopters. One has a 50,000 egg drop. What is the line one crosses into crazy?

Teachinfourth said...

The best prize would be Reese's eggs...

Seriously.

The Church Lady said...

Happy Birthday Abe!!! Hope you had a nice Easter and a well deserved spring break!!

-stephanie- said...

I laughed through this whole post. One of your better ones.

Happy Birthday and happy vacation.

Chris Phillips said...

I only hate that I'm not allowed to get the bright shiny eggs. Have a good break.

Hart Johnson said...

Oh, you're so right--Easter Egg hunts are evil! They are for rude, aggressive kids. The sweet little girls who really just want to find the plastic egg with the certificate for the free bunny NEVER win!

Not Blessed Mama said...

i didn't dye eggs with my kids this year, or do an egg hunt- but i don't have to feel guilty anymore. i was only doing it out of self preservation! i'm not a bad mom!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Never mind the kids, I was in tears when the plastic eggs I found were ALL EMPTY!
Happy birthday and vacation, Abe.
xoRobyn

ajh said...

We never did these and I guess I can stop feeling guilty now.

Kelley said...

LOL!!! "Get out of my way, you stinkin' kid!!". I always say that. I hear you about those Easter egg hunts. They are out of control!

Tree said...

DUDE! When is/was your birthday?! Happy Easter and birthday! We host an easter egg hunt for all the cousins every year... and I DO let the little ones get a head start. ;) I am one that does a special "golden" egg with money in it though.

Mom said...

Amen! Hey, if you get a sec, pop on over to my blog and read my Egg Hunt story. Grandpa invited us every year and when we finally came, he had a solution to the problem...
Sandy
www.twelvemakesadozen.blogspot.com

Pat Tillett said...

I remember being in an huge easter egg hunt while in my first year of school. It was brutal...

Pam said...

This post is DEAD ON! And I could be wrong, but I think that picture is from the park near my house. Not that I am a stalker or anything like that- but I am thrilled to think you live near me. Its always nice to find out you live near someone who is like, SOOOO famous and amazing! This is so much better than when I lived down the street from the Governor of California! (P.S. I love your blog.)

Amazing Bats! Treasure Hunt said...

nice Easter party..thanks sharing your party picture and idea..No, egg hunts are less about the spirit of Easter and more about who is the quickest, meanest and most brutal bully in a group of 100 bullies.

Christmas Treasure Hunt