Monday, April 25, 2011

My Open Letter to Kate Middleton (Future Princess)

Dearest Kate,

Tomorrow is your big day.  You have come so far in life.  Just think of all you've accomplished!  All of that stuff at the beginning of your life.  And of course all of that stuff you did in your early twenties.  And remember that time that you got really attractive?  That was a very important time, right?  

And now, here you are, a princess in waiting.  Just look at you, what with your fancy dress made by singing rats and your presumably beautiful singing voice granted to you by a fairy Godmother. (Elton John?)

Now that you have reached the pinnacle of life - being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest - there is only one thing left to accomplish: A reality show.  You are perfect for it - you are hot and otherwise have no discernible talents or qualities. 

Allow me to give you some marriage advice.  First, you'll probably want to get a king sized bed.  A princess sized bed is quite simply, not large enough.  Plus there is that whole pea thing, right?

Secondly, always put the bidet seat down.  Do bidets have seats? I assume they do.  I've never used one. (We have garden hoses here in the US for that sort of thing.)

Finally, and most importantly, if 'Glee' or 'The Biggest Loser' is on, occasionally give the guy a break and let him watch soccer or futball or whatever the crap you call it over there.

Congratulations and give my love to Posh Spice.  

Abe

65 comments:

TisforTonya said...

I'm a little embarrassed to admit how hard the garden hose bit made me laugh...

Lynn MacDonald said...

hahaha...good one. Remember that one time you got attractive?

hahaha

Oilfield Trash said...

Perfect!!!!!

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Nice. Thanks for putting up a picture of Kate w/o the genetic anomaly she is marrying.

BTW, I think the appropriate term is "Ye Olde Royal Bidet".

Lazarus said...

I think Kate will read this and take it to heart, they say she's very down-to-earth. Very nice gesture of international goodwill Abe!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

She is all set now! The one time she got attractive!?

Kelley said...

You hit all the points! So glad you didn't forget Posh Spice! Ha!! I'm also glad you brought this up. I need to set the DVR. You were hilarious...again!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Priceless advice!

Emmy said...

Lol! Oh I am sure she loves this letter, so kind and thoughtful of you :)

M-Cat said...

This is gonna get you an invite, you realize that don't you?

SO over this whole debacle I can hardly stand it! Thanks for mocking and making me laugh!

Holly Ruggiero said...

Garden hose, really? Mrs. Cheeseboy must love that.

Shannon said...

I wonder if he will give her a Little Red Corvette as a wedding gift?

Sarah said...

Loved this!

Jamie said...

Hahahahaha! I quite enjoyed this post. :)

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Fairy godmother? El's gonna be pissed at you.

-stephanie- said...

She is getting married on Friday, so if her interview with Ryan Seacrest is tomorrow, then yes you are right, tomorrow is her big day.

Teachinfourth said...

You know the Spice Girls by name? I don't know whether I should be impressed, disturbed, or simply in a state of unadulterated awe...

mintifresh said...

I knew I wasn't the only one that used the garden hose for that!

I wish Elton John was my fairy godmother!

Missy said...

This is hilarious!!!
Poor, Poor Kate. She needs a Letter of Warning sent!

Pedaling said...

Elton John...Godmother...funny!

dbs said...

Good bed advice.

Mindy said...

Having your dress made by singing rats is so passe. lol. Love this post!

Connie said...

Such sage marriage advice. I'm sure once she stops laughing, she'll take it to heart and have a wonderful life.

middle child said...

C'mon Abe. Gotta give her a chance, right?

Cluttered Brain said...

lol..Especially the part about Glee and Biggest loser...
And yes alas the bidet....
Priceless. Kate will really appreciate this advice.

Kristin said...

I really don't get the whole royalty mania. But at least she got a better name than her sister! Could you imagine Princess Pippa?!? Yikes!

Unknown Mami said...

Such sage advice.

Sarah said...

Great. I did a spitake on my computer screen. I'm sending you the bill Abe. Posts like this should come with a "Spitake Warning!"
Absolutely hilarious!

The Empress said...

How can you be a man?

I don't believe it.

Noelle said...

That's what a garden hose is for?

The Bipolar Diva said...

Pretty much loving the garden hose visual....hehehe

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Good advice for the royal slag.

I'll be watching on Friday flying my union jack and nibbling on royal biscuits.

Perhaps you should send them a wedding gift. Roll up that royal hose.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Shouldn't there be dragons and quests involved before a Royal marriage? It's never like the stories is it.

lifeshighway said...

A princess should be able to watch Glee as much as she would like. She looks like a Gleek to me.

I still await my interview by Ryan The Seacrest: someday my prince will come.

Jenn said...

Interviewed by Ryan and her fairy godmother is Elton....Curse you Kate and that one time you got attractive!!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Abe, you just said "crap" to the future mother of the future Queen or King of England. Bad form old boy, bad form!


;-)

PBJdreamer said...

Garden Hose? A perfect wedding gift!

heee


that is all

Bossy Betty said...

Finally, she got your letter. I know she had been waiting for it. She told me when she was over here last week to watch me try on my bridesmaid's dress.

Mommy Lisa said...

I think he finally proposed because the Rogaine stopped working...

Christine said...

Hope you send an assortment of cheese as a wedding gift with that letter. You are just too funny.

Lisa Loo said...

Did you know that you can flood an entire bathroom with an unattended bidet because they have NO lid??!!

Oh so I hear.....

What were we talking about again????

C... said...

She probably has someone watch shows for her then tell her what they were about later. Like cliffnotes for celebs.

Brandon said...

Knocked that one out of the park. Funny stuff!

Desperate Housemommy said...

Ahem. No talent, you say?

I challenge you to find one other princess-to-be who rocks a see-through dress over black skivvies to a soiree like she does. That, Dear Cheese? Is a GIFT.

No talent, indeed. Pfffffffft.

Silver Strands said...

Perfect cheeseboy! PS - I've linked to you on my blog ... all because you make me laugh :)

mormonhermitmom said...

Oh Mr. Cheeseboy, you are sooo out of my league...I, in my little cave, did not understand half of what you said there. And whatever happened to Diana pray?

blueviolet said...

I've never seen or heard of this garden hose situation, so I choose to believe it's not real.

Jackee said...

LOL! Us classy Americans and our lack of bidets... :o)

Loved the letter. But I'm glad you didn't offer any honeymoon advice. Ha, ha!

lisleman said...

hmm, I have not noticed any royal comments above so I'm guessing she has been too been too busy to get back to you.
That garden hose feed bidet could be a real hot item for the camping crowd. I confess that watching the bidet shower provided a little entertainment while in Europe.

The Church Lady said...

Too bad you live so far away or you could come to my royal wedding viewing party complete with plastic tiaras, tea and crumpits and a royal trivia game! lol!

Impulsive Addict said...

I totally have a bidet story but I won't share it right now. It's um...well, it's disturbing.

So, their big day was today? I'm not following that storyline at all but Tuesday seems like an odd day to get married.

Jennifer Hillier said...

Hilarious!

Ally said...

This is brilliant! Love it!

Shrinky said...

'Course, had Wills had the good grace to wait for my daughter to reach that university, that Katie bint wouldn't have had a look in.. hmph.

(Bitter? Moi?? Pah, as if!)

Sandra said...

That was lovely! But stop hating on Glee! Did you watch last night? It was 90 minutes!!!

ModernMom said...

Solid advice...marriages have a better shot with a King Size bed:)

Julie Musil said...

OMG, this was laugh-out-loud funny! Must retweet before British intelligence shuts me down.

Lourie said...

Def want a King size bed...one better...the CA King. They are bigger still! Good advice for the future princess.

Cruella Collett said...

Tee hee - isn't Posh Spice the one living on your side of the pond, though?

And you made me fall off my chair with your Elton John comment. I hope he arrives at the wedding in a pumpkin :D

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Great letter, Cheeseboy. I hope you post her response. I'll never look at garden hoses the same.
Thanks for the laughs.
xoRobyn

Stef H (Glitterbabe) said...

lmao over here. that was a great letter. bidets do NOT have lids. however, if you do not favor the spray of little water pellets hitting your backside, you can always soak your laundry in it.

and hey! i lOVE ryan seacrest!!!!

now to kate.... wtf is my invite???? huh?????

nice to meet you cheese-boy.

hugs :)

Marnie said...

Who knew you could/should do that with a garden hose?!? Yes she is hot...and as of now the best looking royal.

Pat Tillett said...

Just so you know (in case you ever take this show on a Euro tour), bidets do not have seats! Oh wait, that's the sink...

W.C.Camp said...

Hey could you send an open letter to my wife so I could watch something more macho than that OLD SPICE GUY? By the way I think Miss Kate will become a Duchess first. I know nothing about the Monarchy other than I am a Royal Pain, but I think somebody has to die before the couple gets promoted to Prince and Princess (unless you are a cruise ship of course) W.C.C.

MiMi said...

She is so beautiful.
And I wanna be a princess!!!