Thursday, April 14, 2011

Your Cheeseboy Fan Mail - ANSWERED!

Orville Redenbacher
From time to time, I get "fan mail" and I read that fan mail as if I were a celebrity.  That is to say, I have my people read it to me while I watch my dogs fight and then inject me with Human Growth Hormone.

Occasionally, while tearing open "fan mail" with my newly-formed C-list-celeb biceps, I will find that someone has the audacity to ask me a question.  Me, a male blogging superstar (or "stud-muffintop"), sitting alone atop my throne of stats and design templates, looking down on all my lady blog followers like common peasants.  How dare they?!

Anyhow, when occasion permits, I do like to take a little time out of my busy schedule of signing blogographs and eating organic blogckli to respond to a question or two.

This question comes from Becky O'Connelly of Sparklevilleton, North Carolina:
Does your wife ever get jealous of all the lady blogger attention you get?


An excellent question Becky.

Look, my wife knows that I am a huge hit with the lady blog community (as well as the model train community and the Accordion Players Association of Idaho), and she does not have a jealous brain in her body. Or is it a jealous bone in her body?  Bone makes more sense because you have more than one.  Saying she doesn't have a jealous brain in her body implies that she may have more than one brain, which, I must admit, would explain a lot.

Another question, this one from Sharma Klosenose, from the great state of Alaska:
What's your secret to lifelong happiness?

These questions are amazing, but they are coming out of left field, which is odd because left field is generally where you put the kid that totally sucks at catching and throwing.  I'm not saying these people suck, just that these questions are coming from a generally sucky area from wens sucky questions generally come.

To answer your question, my secret to happiness is four-fold: 1. Eat 2. Pray 3. Love.  4. Avoid the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" at all costs.

Finally, a question from Daryl Armstrong III of Newnantucket, New Mexico:
Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?

Daryl, Daryl, Daryl, Facebook is great because I feel liked for almost everything I write.  Twitter is terrific too because people are constantly telling me I'm "RT", which I think stands for "Really Twisted" and I ALWAYS take that as a compliment.

On my way to work.
What I like to do is send all my Facebook friends an Event Invite asking them to view my latest tweet.  Then, I tweet, "You HAVE to check my latest Facebook status update." Then, my newest status update reads, "Check your email for the latest news from Abe." Then I send out a mass email inviting everyone to check my blog.  And then on my blog, I post that I'm about to announce something HUGE on Facebook.  And then I poke every one of my Facebook friends and post "I've decided to convert to the Amish and this will be the last you hear of me online."  And then, for a couple weeks after that, I grow a beard and wear a goofy Amish hat around town.

It's hilarious.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, I guess I'll go with Facebook.

41 comments:

Kristina P. said...

The Twitter scares me.

The Church Lady said...

This post is RT Abe! I had no idea there was a professional Accordian association! lol

Corrina Terry said...

Just when I thought I'd seen everything . . .

Funny!!!!!!!!! ;o)

Julie said...

You're right. Your wife has nothing to be jealous about. Your kids, however, have the MOST AWESOME MOM! Just thought she could use that after the hobo video.

Stolen Sentiments said...

So, wait - are you saying the dogs fight and then the dogs inject you with human growth hormone? Because if that's the case, you have some hella talented dogs...

Oilfield Trash said...

I am still not on twitter.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Don't mean to throw you a curveball, but that would be right field where they put the kid that can't play. The kid with the strongest arm in the outfield is usually the left fielder.

Other than that, you are batting 1000.

Lazarus said...

Middle Aged Mormon Man stole my thunder Abe, I was going to correct you on the worst player being in rightfield, not left. But the letters and answers were funny, despite my not being able to wait to correct you. Then MAMM stole my thunder. I'm going back out to rightfield now where nobody will notice me...

Jamie said...

I still don't twitter OR facebook. I guess I'm just lame. Oh well! It leaves more time to watch Dog the Bounty Hunter and Chopped. Mwahahahahahah! (evil laugh)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I don't know how you keep going with the humor, Abe. I think I'll need to send you a fan letter to ask that very question. It will be one of those coming out of left field. You've been warned.
Thanks as always for the laughs.
xoRobyn

imbeingheldhostage said...

Facebook got me here before your other 600 adoring fans, so I'm sticking with Fb! RT CB, RT!!!

Antares Cryptos said...

Hi,
I just joined the Accordion Bagpipe association of Woomdycut. Where do you want me?

Jenn said...

I'm getting my "fan mail" letter ready .. i can't wait to be showcased on your blog!!!! :)

laughingmom said...

The Amish thing makes since if you are using snail mail for fans...

baygirl32 said...

you are one really twisted stud muffintop, with fan mail to prove it

Joann Mannix said...

Dear Cheese,

~~~~~~~

When you poke, are you gentle about it or really annoying like the rat-a-tat-tat rhythm that makes the pokee want to jump out of their skin or are you a sadistic poker, in it for the pain? Just wondering.

~~~~~~~

Sincerely,

A Victim Of Your Poking

tammy said...

I'm going to have to ask my 14 yr old what RT means now.

mintifresh said...

It would take at least C-list celeb biceps to open that much fan mail!!

chris mcpeake said...

whats a twitter?

Ally said...

Bravo for your wife, I am a very jealous wife. Wah.

I want so much to like Twitter and be loved, but for whatever reason there's just some sort of disconnect. I can't seem to rock it the way Justin Bieber does.

W.C.Camp said...

Kind of sad now because I finally understand why my Dad always put me in Left field! I always thought it was because I was right handed? W.C.C.

Katie said...

You are indeed a "stud muffintop"! Yes, my man knows that you are my bloggy crush!!!! ;-)

Melinda said...

Awesome. Where do these people come from?

signed, Melinda Askalots from Weirhauser, Wisconsin

Susan in the Boonies said...

Dear Abe,

Your "Ring Around the Internet" game had me smiling. All that virtual canoodling and mingling of sites with other sites is getting as complex as a DNA strand.

Speaking of strands, you must be String Cheese, since strands of it can be Royally Twisted.

Love you AND your non-jealous wife. But I do have to wonder WHY she enabled you when you stood out on the street with a sign, begging. Now THAT was RT.

ThreeOldKeys said...

At this time of year I like to give thanks for Conway Twitty, who introduced Social Networking back in 1954. Elvis was one of the first to join, saying "nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime."

Then, in the 70s, Jack Lord could never remember his Hawaii Five-O lines. He was really supposed to say "Facebook him, Danno". So millions of people didn't get the word or they would have signed up back then.

It's all such an interesting history ... you can read about it everywhere on the interwebs. One pretty reliable site says they're making a new movie (working title "Social BrainDrain")and it stars Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake and Justin Hayward !!!!!

omg i cant wait

Bossy Betty said...

Winning.

Tiger's Blood.

Adonis DNA.

Queen Mahin said...

Dear Cheeseboy,

Where do you stand on the cheez whiz issue? Enquiring minds want to know. Thanks!

Your fan,

Queen Mahin (rhymes with sardine) in NC

M-Cat said...

Dear Cheeseboy,

What the crap is RT?

How does one Twitter? I hear it's all the rage and yet me, a hip young fortysomething hottie mcnaughtie doesn't know, but it sounds exciting.

And finally, poking on facebook seems so pronographic, or is that pornographic? Either way, as much as I like a good poke now and then, on facebook, I defer.

Sincerely,

A fan who has neither been tweeted or poked by you on FB and feeling a RT about it all

Kristen said...

That's where I've seen you before - I knew you seemed familiar. Nice to hear from you again my Abnormally large Amish neighbor.

Lourie said...

I still am not big on Twitter. I am definitely Rt though...maybe even D&T(dark and twisty).

DeNae said...

I'm on Twitter. That's how I know, for a fact, that you have no boundaries. Except for those weeks when you are temporarily Amish.

Alittlesprite said...

Mess with their heads. I like it :)

Crystal Pistol said...

Ashton Kutcher, who knows everything, recently said he read an article, which is a step in the right direction.

The article said folks actually experience a release of dopamine in the brain everytime a response is left to a post on Twitter or FB. It seems people feel all warm and fuzzy when poked and liked and RT-ed.

Lisa Loo said...

Ummm...



.....nope, I got nothing......



....I hate it when that happens.....

Unknown Mami said...

I don't know how I feel about this uppity attitude you are developing. I guess I can deal with it, but I will not RT.

Emmy said...

Lol! I watched Eat, Pray Love last night and while it's not going on my favorite movie of all times list, it wasn't that bad

Kelley said...

Cheeseboy, I think it's time you get a cheese slicer and shave off that old stale cheese that is molding. I'm afraid your brain is going a little bit haywire. Actually, I like your brain all haywire. Keep the moldy cheese. That's how we like you best.

IT IS ALLY said...

I hear there's going to be a sequel to Eat Pray Love called Eat Burp Apologise.

Kathy said...

I walked into your blog because of a comment you made elsewhere and I'm nosey.
I have only read the last 2 posts and I nearly spit out my coffee at the phrase, stud muffintop.
ROFLOL!!!!!!
Thanks for the big smile!

Pat Tillett said...

Your legend is growing... Converting to Amish can only help!

Teachinfourth said...

Facebook is probably the safe choice...