Cheeseboy's Five Tips for Extravagant Living on a Budget (Helpful advice.)

As a wealthy, well-to-do first grade teacher, I am frequently asked how I am able to live such a lavish and extravagant lifestyle.  After all, here I sit, king of OVER .24 acres, a satellite equipped television set and a bathroom with BOTH a tub AND a separate shower.*

Alas, given how hugely successful I have become in the money management sector, I thought it only fitting that I offer my followers some advice on how you too can become wealthy beyond your wildest imagination or dreams (Dreams or imagination - whatever is the more wilder in your mind).  

Thus, it is my pleasure to offer up five easy and guilt-free ways that you too can enjoy the highlife on a meager teacher's salary.

1. Investments

Well worth your money.

With what limited extra cash you do have, I strongly suggest making it work for you.**  The first thing I have done is trade all my cash dollar bills for Sacajawea gold dollars.  With the value of gold increasing like the value of tiger's blood, these Sacajaweas will soon be worth much more than a dollar.  Dare I say, they may be worth millions?***

Secondly, in the late 90's, I purchased stock in an up and coming company known as Beanie Babies.  And by "stock", I mean "stuffed animals".  I have over 300 in their original packaging****, waiting to be sold.  I haven't looked at what they are currently selling at, but 15 years ago, I was told that they would be worth thousands.  It's a nice little egg to have in my back pocket in case I need it.*****

2. Savings.

Through the years, I have managed to put money in banks. There are over 50 banks in our city and I am always a little nervous that the one I put my money in is going to go out of business.  

So here's the key: Put $20 in a savings account in every bank in your city.  That way, if one bank goes out of business, your loss is minimal and the rest of your money remains secure. Once you have $20 invested at every bank, invest $20 more at every bank.  BUT, make sure you open separate accounts for each $20 you invest.  

Thieves generally don't touch accounts with $20 or less in them.  At least the thieves in the Oceans movies.

Finally, NEVER use drive throughs.  I have no idea where those plastic canisters really go.

3. 401K

I don't have one.  Anything that PROMISES to give you $401,000 by the time you retire HAS GOT to be some sort of scam!  Delve into these shark infested waters at your own risk.

4. Couponing 

I hate clipping coupons but I love the discounts they give me.  So, wherever I go and spend money, I claim I had a coupon, but forgot it.  

"Oh, I swear I had a coupon for that lice medication. Let me check my wallet.******  It was for 20 cents off. Where did that thing go?" 

[Scrummaging through wallet.]

"Would you just like me to just take that off for you?"

"You mean the 20 cents, right?"

"Yes."

"That sounds like way too much trouble.  Can you just give it to me for free?"

"Can do, sir. Can do."

"You people know a thing or two about how to treat a customer."

Works every time.*******

5. Gas

With the ever-increasing price of gas, there are many ways to conserve and save money.  Of course, turning off your engine at stoplights is a given, but did you know how much gas you can save by turning off your engine at stop signs too? 

One other little trick that I like to do to save money is buying gas on the internet.  The shipping is a little expensive, but trust me, it's worth it in the end.  As an added bonus, when the UPS man arrives to drop off 20 gallons of gas, it is the perfect time to syphon gas from their trucks.  And the best part is the driver WANTS you to syphon their gas because it means he can head home early!********

*Shower originally made for the old lady that lived here before that had a fake hip and a strange things for showers.

** When making cash work for you, you are going to want to make sure the cash has all it's paperwork in order.  If it speaks in pesos, you might want to look elsewhere for help.

*** If you have a million of them.

**** Beanie Babies in their original packaging can be sold at 10% their actual original worth.

*****Eggs actually should not be placed in back pockets.  Especially eggs holding baby chicks.

*******This works way better if you have a purse.  Sometimes when I go fake couponing, I will carry a purse for this exact reason.

*******Works never times.

********Just a gut feeling.