Wednesday, January 12, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

Unicorn photo for your enjoyment.
As you may know, I put a lot of thought into my facebook status updates.  Sometimes, they are well received and occasionally they bomb.  But I like to share the favorites with you, my beloved blog readers because hey, that's just what kinda guy I am.

I give you a rundown of the recent favorites.

1-11-11 at 7:50 PM: If you think today, 1-11-11 was cool, just wait for February 22, 2222!

1-11-11 at 7:06 PM: Salmonella sounds like a horrible thing to get - - unless you are a fish, in which case it sounds like a delicious dessert.

1-8-11 at 12:08 PM: The soldiers rode toward the castle - swords drawn, ready for battle.  As they came over the mountain, they saw that the castle was guarded by 1,000 men.  Kevin then said, "I've got a bad feeling.  A really bad feeling!" It was at that moment that they realized that they had forgotten to put a seat on Kevin's bicycle.

1-7-11 at 3:51 PM: The unicorn already felt very weird about his school class taking a field trip to the glue factory.  But once they reached the glitter glue room, he felt the sudden urge to vomit.

1-7-11 at 7:32 AM: Contrary to popular opinion at the time, unicorns did not make good petting zoo animals.

-- (It was because of all the eye stabbings.)--

1-6-11 at 7:29 PM: The two television shows I'd LOVE to see combined????
Wipeout and The Jersey Shore.

1-6-11 at 7:12 PM: Let it be known that on January 6, 2011, millions of homeless Americans nationwide began working on their "radio voice".

1-5-11 at 7:26 PM: Congratulations to Salt Lake City for winning the million dollar Walmart foodbank challenge! The next time you go into Walmart, give the greeter an extra long, loving hug.  When the greeter asks what that was for, wink at them and say, "You know what."

1-5-11 at 4:12 PM: Women: Instead of buying Shape Up shoes, you should invest in building new buildings with curved floors.  That way, soon all of us will be walking around with thinner thighs and tighter butts.

1-4-11 at 6:52 PM: There is no shame in being the first woman kicked out of 'The Bachelor' house.  No, the shame should have come when you were filling out the application to be on the show.

1-3-11 at 4:51 PM: Of all the Peanuts characters, Peppermint Patty definitely looks like she has been to the most Lilith Fairs.

1-2-11 at 12:50 PM: BEAUTIFUL MAN AWARD! I have received this award for being a beautiful man.  I awarded it to myself and I will not be passing it on.  I think I am beautiful inside and out.  I am a man.  I am a beautiful man.  That is all.

1-1-11 at 10:12 AM: Saw on the news that Baby Jessica from the well is like 22 now.  Someone should totally hook her up with a Chilean miner.  So much in common.

12-30-10 at 11:45 AM: Saw a preview of the new Justin Bieber movie yesterday at the movies.  It's the inspiring story of his "life" and "accomplishments". I can't wait for Part 2 where he gets arrested for DUI and checks into rehab.

12-24-10 at 8:07 PM: All year long I manage to avoid fixing stuff and putting crap together and then on Christmas Eve I am supposed to magically turn into a friggen' Al Borland?!

12-24-10 at 9:18 AM: I have removed all the mistletoe from the premises. No way is Santa Claus kissing my wife tonight.  I think the cookies and milk are enough, you handsy perv.

12-15-10 at 9:29 PM: Our four-year-old son told us tonight that we celebrate Christmas "because of Jesus's burp."

And finally, tonight's...

1-12-11 at 5:30 PM: One of my first graders told me today that her grandpa died, "because he was so old".  I told her I was very sorry.  She said, "Actually, I am a little - - just a little bit happy about it."  I asked her why (thinking she would say something about heaven) and she said, "Well, you know... all that slobber!"

53 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I am just thrilled with all the unicorn references.

I think I need to make my "Unicorns Are People Too" blog mainstream.

TesoriTrovati said...

Jessica of the Well and Chilean miners... I think I may have awoken the house with that belly laugh! I love reading you Cheeseboy. But now I feel the urge to get a slice o' cheddar and sniff glitter glue. Weird.

;-)

Enjoy the day!
Erin

Connie said...

So...I'm really missing out not being on face book.

First slobber, then death.

Kate said...

Jeez I'm glad that Walmart fiaso is over. ;)

I just winked at you like a creepy old lady. Don't take it that way.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

These are all very funny. The last one is precious. My favorite is your son's explanation for Christmas.

PS Your captchadash definition in Kelley's breakroom is award winning (or should be). I couldn't help but reference it in my response.
xo

Booyah's Momma said...

So, I'm your 500th follower. Will you be posting the video of you dressed up as Barney on Facebook?

SherilinR said...

oh snap, it's time for some barney action!
and i truly enjoyed the peppermint pattie/lilith fair reference. so fitting.

Lourie said...

Well dang, I missed out! I am sitting here laughing my butt off...and I am all alone!! Hahaha.

Kelly said...

You saved the best for last. I also loved the Wal Mart hug. If we were FB friends it would make my reading so much more fun.

mintifresh said...

Everyday I wake up grateful that I am your Facebook (and blog) friend.

Unicorns are the bomb!

I had a close friend trump my pregnant card with the 'I'm pregnant with twins!' card (ho). I told her I was just waiting for our other friend to trump both of us with the 'I'm pregnant..it's a unicorn' card. Turns out she is pregnant but, alas, it's just another human kid.

I don't know if I should be posting comments at 1:20 AM...

Shelby Fox said...

Loved the last part. Can't wait to see you mess around in the Barney costume haha

Jennifer Hillier said...

These are hilarious! Especially the Bachelor one... that one totally cracked me up.

Melissa *Suger Coat It* said...

Ha! An entering FB friend for sure. This is great. My FB updates are more like. At work. Home from work. Cooking dinner. Eating dinner.

I think that's why I'm so good at Twitter

Mamma has spoken said...

At least your fb updates don't have any references to zombies (yes I have a nephew who that's all he talks about).
I think when you do your Barney video, you need to have a unicorn in it somewhere...

lifeshighway said...

Being a new follower, I had no idea that a cheesy he-man would be so knowledgeable on unicorn lore.

Holly said...

Oh you are a funny twit... OH!! I mean WIT!!! ;p Hahaha!!

Hey! you can't forget
11-1-11 or 11-11-11 or 12-12-12
IMPORTANT DAYS, I tell ya!!

Jenn said...

Did you just call Santa a handsy perv? LOL And what's your deal with unicorns? Seems a bit odd for a man your age to talk about them so much!!

Eva Gallant said...

I think my favorite was the mistletoe one....calling Santa a "handsy perv." lol

-stephanie- said...

Thanks. As long as you keep writing these, I don't have to Facebook.

My favorite: 1-6-11 @ 7:12.

Excited to see your Barney video. Congrats on over 500 followers.

Ms Bibi said...

Thanks for my morning laugh.

Should we take bets how long it is before Justin Bieber gets arrested for DUI or something very popular in Hollywood?

Can't wait for the Barney video.

Kristen said...

As you will see, I have now asked to be your friend - I need more humor in life! I am also very curious about the Barney Project.... you DO have a costume, right?

T said...

these are why I stay on facebook all day - for updates like these.

and if you happen to see a "Sudoku Extreme" post from me, let's just pretend it was the kids...

T said...

and everyone's thanks go out to Booyah's Mama... the hero of the day. (although Barney just freakin' creeps me out...)

Oilfield Trash said...

Those are flipping hilarious.

Mighty M said...

The first and the last are my favorites!! Can't wait to see you in that Barney costume!

Kelley Simpson said...

AAHHhhaaa... Thank God for people who are funny...

The Church Lady said...

"And now for Cheeseboy's Facebook Status Updates...Stay tuned for Cheeseboy in a Barney Costume!"

How's that for my radio voice? I've been practicing for days.

Holly Ruggiero said...

Glitter factory! LOL

UnicycleRose said...

You crack me up! Truely you have the gift of humor and I lauged out loud over many of those. I need to find you on FB! Don't know if I got the part yet, if I don't hear by today, then no. Fingers still crossed!

Vanessa said...

1-5-11 7:26 is my fave. Can you imagine?? That would be hilarious! I'm doing it today when i head to the great and spacious Wally World.

Chris Phillips said...

normally explaining jokes isn't funny, but in the case of the unicorn petting zoo one it was! my best one this month.

I enrolled at UNO and am now a Maverick! Who wants to be Goose?

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'd watch a combination of Wipeout and Jersey Shore!
And congratulations, dude - you're over 500! Sorry we can't do joint celebrations - I'm still not quite there yet.

Lisa Loo said...

Nobody else mentioned it but I think 1-5-11 {shape shoes} was one of your finest idea moments EVER....just sayin.....

And all hail you extreme self esteem--you go dude...

Joann Mannix said...

The chilean miner and Jessica the girl down the well! Cheese, you have surpassed yourself.

Yeah and I see what you mean. None of this could translate well on the Twit.

Kate said...

I love these. You're hilarious.

I once did a blog post made up of just my facebook statuses from a week-long bike trip, but they weren't nearly as funny as yours.

Happily Cheesy said...

My favorite was the beautiful man award. Hands down.

Missy said...

OMG! That is what my children will say about me at my death... all that slobber!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

Haha....Jesus's burp. Your son has already gotten life figured out.

IT IS ALLY said...

Just quietly, I doubt the veracity of your unicorn 'photo'

Emmy said...

Yes your status are very funny.. you really should link up you know ;)

Especially since one of your status already made the status quote.

wendy said...

so much of that was just FUNNY.
Poor Justin Bieber....has lived such a FULL life......wow
and as for the slobber
that has always been my fear.
when I was working downtown at the courthouse, I told my co-worker if she ever saw me slobbering, to discreetly wipe it from my face (I have visions of working until in my 70's)

but now, I am in the country and retired
and just slobber all over my husband
it's very cool

Julie said...

502 friends, waiting for the video. I love the last one though a bit sad, cute too.
I love reading your Cheeseboy, you always make me smile and luagh until my guys stare at me.
Take care and have a blessed evening.

GrammyMouseTails said...

unicorns and glue in the same status! must.alert.media! I may concur with your little girl from class, the slobber is so passe~

sinika said...

These are exactly why I (gulp) requested you as a fb friend. (My sister was always telling the funny things you said on there.) Thanks for making all of us laugh everyday!

Powdered Toast Man said...

U are a funny, funny, strange man o' cheese but that is why I come here, also for the free cookies. You haven't put those out in awhile.

Dude you are over 500 folloers. Time to rent that Barney suit.

imbeingheldhostage said...

LMbacksideO!!

Kelley said...

I am really laughing out loud at these! Did you Tweet these, too? Going to your account to RT them, if so. And, hey man, I've been to the Lilith Fair! Oops. Gotta go trim my moustache now. See ya!

Georgette said...

Does working with 1st graders do this to you? ;)

Beth Zimmerman said...

I'm not sure which cracked me up more ... Kevin or the dead grandpa! I think it was Kevin! OUCH!

M-Cat said...

I noticed you are now at 500 readers. Let the merriment begin - I am anxiously awaiting the next video installation.

M-Cat said...

Oh and if that Unicorn up there was pooping butterflies - it would be the BEST PICTURE EVER!!! Well next to the velvet Elvis with a tear running down his cheek

Pat Tillett said...

"...all that slobber!"
Classic!

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I had a feeling about those unicorns...

As for the death, that isn't what I would have expected a student to say either.