Monday, January 10, 2011

A Creepy Love Letter From Prairie Dawn to The Count.

My Beloved, Sexy and Mathematically Inclined Count,

You probably don't know who I am.  Maybe you have seen me around?  My name is Prairie Dawn.  I am the girl that walks around the street with the high, pitchy voice.  Some guys (Grover*)  have told me it is cute.

You once included me in one of your counts when you were counting pink people.

Anyway, I am totally in love with you!  I know it sounds weird, but I have been reading and watching a lot of Twilight lately and I now know that vampires can be sensual and esoteric.    

I know you are totally too old for me, but isn't Edward like 4,000 years older than Bella or something? Surely, you would know...  I mean, you are so good with numbers.  I've always loved that about you.

My sweet, sweet Count - every time I think of you I get this strange feeling.  And no, it's not the usual strange feeling I get either. You know?  That feeling... that someone has their hand in your face, and is making you talk. I hate that.

I dreamt about you last night, Count. **You had your shirt off and your chest was glistening as you stood on top of Oscar's garbage can and counted pigeons.  You were breathtaking.

I hope you don't think I am creepy, but I have been watching you from my bedroom window for a few months now. I love the way you walk through the street and count Big Birds feathers and Mr. Snuffaluffagus's turds***.  And your laugh... "Ah ha ha ha"... it's intoxicating.  

I've weighed the pros and cons of falling in love with a vampire.  Sure, you might kill me and count my organs in your basement****, but it beats falling in love with a that sloppy pig, Cookie Monster.
By the way, if you want me, you best hurry.  Barkley the Dog***** has shown some interest in me recently and you should see the size of his six pack!  I mean, come on, I'm only human.

If you want me, I'll be sitting on the porch.  I'll be the one wearing the dress covering the hand going up my backside. 

Love, 

Prairie Dawn

PS: You know, I LOVE Bert and Ernie, but I will totally understand if you are, you know, like that.  I mean, to be honest, it wouldn't surprise me in the least.   After all, you do wear a monocle.

*Grover is only considered a "guy" on Sesame Street.  On any other street, he is considered a sissy.

**Another sentence that I doubt has ever been blogged in the history of blogging.

*** Snuffaluffagus's street turds are cleaned up daily by that creepy garbage man that carries Oscar around.

****Ironic because The Count actually HAS an organ in his basement that he uses to count!

*****Barkley the Dog was the closest character I could think of on Sesame Street related to a werewolf.

57 comments:

Gucci Mama said...

Bitch better step off. The Count and I have been, well, I don't kiss and tell but the point is, Count von Count has been the only man for me for the last twenty five years. I will RUIN that stupid pink puppet.

Amy said...

That is creepy and funny all at the same time! Love it!

mintifresh said...

You're right, that was creepy. Mostly because it was like you stole my diary! "Strumming my pain with his fingers" man!

You'd think they'd get used to that 'hand up the butt' feeling after all these years.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Is she sure he doesn't have a thing for Elmo instead? His red fur probably reminds the count of blood...

-stephanie- said...

This surprises me. She looks more like the Elmo type. Must be the hand up the butt that makes her a tramp.

Impulsive Addict said...

DUDE! I totally have to watch Sesame Street daily. Why is it still on? Yesterday, Oscar jumped on a trampoline to bounce himself out of his trash can (so stupid) and Cookie Monster chose to eat a cookie over veggies. No shi$ Sherlock. That's why he's the COOKIE MONSTER.

And I'm pretty sure both Burt and Ernie are gay but still in the closet.

Impulsive Addict said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joann Mannix said...

My husband and I went out for a super fancy, romantic dinner the other night. There was a woman at a table across the room who I'm pretty sure was Prairie Dawn. If she wasn't that pink muppet, she had her voice. And it bore through my brain like battery acid, it was so shrill. I have no love for that muppet. She needs to end up with Rizzo the Rat.

dbs said...

Stephanie Meyer will likely be calling to congratulate you on this post. I'm sure. You can "count" on it. (Sorry.)

The Church Lady said...

It has been a long time since I've seen an episode of Sesame Street. Is this a day time soap opera now? What have I been missing??

Eva Gallant said...

Okay...............

SherilinR said...

nothing says sex appeal like standing on the lid of a trashcan topless. raarr!!

Oilfield Trash said...

omfg that is a hilarious post.

Kristina P. said...

So, she's the female Muppet version of Edward Cullen?

Marnie said...

This was funny, but just when I thought it was over, you had to say "Snuffaluffagus's street turds "... I've totally lost it as I got a visual :0)

T said...

is it wrong that I know that the creepy garbage men who occasionally tote Oscar around are named Biff and Sully? (and I swear, I haven't watched Sesame Street in years...)

Connie said...

I love Grover and I hope you have a Barney suit ready. You're getting pretty close to 500 followers!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Ditto what OT wrote. Plus, your foot notes -about organs and stuff- are just as funny as the post.
xoRobyn
PS Thanks for the twitter help earlier today.

Melinda said...

"How I love thee, let me count the ways...ah ah ah!" -The Count

(p.s. You know I gotta say it: I LOVE THAT WEIRD BUTTON! Oh how it tickles me!)

The Time of Our Lives said...

Love it! I'm sure you've seen the bleeped Count song on youtube? Yep, it's my favorite for a giggle and it is stuck in my head even now.

I'm almost 40 and I still love Sesame Street. I think we were all brainwashed as kids. All that rhythmic counting.....

1..2...3..4..5..6..7..8..9..10..11..12.. and they all played games at the Ladybug picnic!

Jillybean said...

I just saw the title of this post and it made me burst out laughing.

Kal said...

She has always creeped me out. How is that possible in a community of strange looking monster puppets?

Powdered Toast Man said...

I'm in love with The Count. How can I show him my love for him? I'll write him a letter!!

Jenn said...

Now that is creepy and funny all at the same time. I almost stopped reading when you were...er...I mean Prairie Dawn was talking about the Count with his shirt off!!!

Mamma has spoken said...

Something tells me that when you watch Sesame Street with the sons, your mind has a tendency to wander. I just wonder if it wanders to a good place or not....

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I'll never look at Sesame Street in quite the same way ever again. I don't know whether to thank you or curse your name.

For now, I'll settle on 'thanks.'

Vinny C said...

It's nice to finally see Prairie coming out of her shell. Lets face it, things were going nowhere with Grover & Telly. They're the "just friends" type.

lifeshighway said...

When I was a child, I swore I saw the Count sparkle in the the daylight. I pulling for you Prairie Dawn, once you love a vampire you can never go back.

imbeingheldhostage said...

It was funny enough until I read the footnotes-- then it was hilarious.

Organ in the basement... :-)

Shrinky said...

Jeez, that girl is SUCH a tramp - she's copied and pasted this letter (amending the name each time) to everyone on the street.. I've even heard tell she's put out to the entire cast of The Muppets!

Mighty M said...

Sesame Street will never be the same for me. :)

Hart Johnson said...

*gigglesnort* I always dug the count, too, so if Prairie Dawn makes any progress, I might have to pull her hair.

*I always love your astrices almost as much as your content.

KLZ said...

That made me check the hilarious checkbox and I've never been driven to do that before. By anyone.

I must have a hand up my backside or something.

MiMi said...

I always knew Prairie Dawn was a hoochy!

Danielle said...

Oh my gosh!! That's what I needed today!! Freaking hilarity!
LOVE it!

Kelley said...

This made me laugh out loud! I can always COUNT on you to write something very original and hilarious! HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!

Lisa Loo said...

As long as she stays away from those alien things that go "yupyupyupyupyup" I say, "Live and let live." I've had my eye on them for years.

Pat said...

She can have The Count as long as she keeps her hand off my guy, Elmo!

Natalie said...

I'm so glad I found you on Twitter...or you found me or whatever.
This is creepy funny and you totally made my day!

Lindsay said...

Hilarious!

M-Cat said...

Okay, I have just spent the last - whoever know how many minutes- reading the last 8 posts that I have missed while MIA - and of course am laughing out loud.

Fart-knocker. Serio - my new favorite phrase.

And I really think Praire Dawn is better suited for Elmo - she is all kinda cougar-ish

Thanks for the giggles

Missy said...

Oh my!!! I do not like Miss Dawn. Her voice makes me want to vomit...

BTW, This is so flippin' hilarious!!!

tammy said...

Wait, Bert & Ernie?? I had no idea.

SueLovesCherries said...

I enjoy reading your comments almost as much as your posts!

But, Abe, honestly . . . I worry about you sometimes . . .

mama-face said...

hahahahaha. WHAT was your inspiration for this post? Too much twilight?

Emmy said...

Lol! Okay this will go in the top 20 for sure of my favorite posts. Now I know why the classic sesame street episodes say not intended for children :)

Georgette said...

I watched Dracula: Dead and Loving it the other night, and the entire time I read this I kept thinking "GIVE HIM AN ENEMA!"

Lourie said...

Oh no she didn't! hahahaha! Creepy yes. Funny as he**! You betcha! haha.

Sandra said...

Yes, very funny, I'm laughing out loud, but if you're going to mention Twilight and the age difference between Edward and Bella, get it right. It's not a 4000 year age difference. I think he became a vampire in 1918...do the math (I'm not very good at math, I'm kind of like the count in that respect).
You are terrific though! You're mind works in a weird and wonderful way.

Silver Strands said...

Ok - the organ and basement thing really cracked me up!
Hope you're having a great 2011 so far!
Denalee

Glen said...

I do love to count! I always had a thing about Red on Fraggle Rock when I was younger - I think I thought she was dirty.

Kristen said...

Isn't The Count a litte old for Prairie Dawn? Or is she one of those wierd cat ladies who never ages?

Stef said...

Hahah. This was really entertaining. Loved the Barkley comparison. I totally got it.

Amy said...

Yip yip yip, uh-huh, uh-huh

Cluttered Brain said...

Bwahahaha. How did i miss this one?
love this.
So creative.Count and Prarie dawn...sweet.

I also like the yip yip yip uh huh uh huh...lol.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

How did I miss this gem?! Funny stuff man!

Katie said...

OH MY SOUL!!!

Can I say - I think I haven't laughed this hard in ages...I just had to share with some friends and even read out loud to my boyfriend who is a huge twilight fan with me.

::snort::

AWESOME!!!