Wednesday, January 26, 2011

How Taco Bell SHOULD respond.

Dear Mr. Dee Miles,

We understand that you have recently brought fourth a class action lawsuit against Taco Bell, Inc. for lack of real beef in our tacos.

First of all, you do realize you are eating at Taco Bell, no?  Simply by entering our fine establishment, you are admitting that you are accepting of crappy food.

Secondly, we can assure you that our meat is 100% real.  We can not promise that it is fresh.  We can not promise that it won't give you diarrhea.  We can not promise that it tastes good.  Heck, we can't even guarantee what kind of animal it comes from.  But this we can promise: it's definitely some sort of meat.

Your frivolous lawsuit has no merit. Remember when Wendys was sued for that human finger in their chilli?  Or when McDonalds was sued for serving their coffee too hot?  Now THOSE were lawsuits with some chutzpah!  I mean please... call us when our soda machine starts dispensing human blood.

Really, suing for a "fake product"?!  No ones suing KFC for their fake mashed potatoes, and I'm fairly sure that Hooters is almost entirely fake.

We look forward to seeing this frivolous lawsuit dropped.

Regards,

Taco Bell, Inc.

53 comments:

T said...

pffffft! it was all funny - but the Hooters bit just about knocked me off my chair. which is impressive, since I'm laying on my couch.

Holly said...

Oh ABE!! You crack me up!! ;p

Kristina P. said...

I wonder if perhaps there is some Soylent Green action going on with Taco Bell.

Kate said...

Love it!

MBGITWWR said...

I'm too tired to be coherent - so I'll keep it short.

:)


(short enough?)

Melinda said...

Actually the finger thing with Wendy's WAS fake!! How ironic is THAT?!

But I agree, everyone's known FOREVER that taco bell's meat is fake. What an idiot.

Copyboy said...

Yo quiero mula.

Lazarus said...

That's a great response but, sadly, we know that Taco Bell won't have the balls to go with something like that. If I were them I'd say: "So, Mr. Plaintiff, you apparently have a beef with our tacos. Well there you have it, there's your beef!"

Rachel said...

I can't even tell you which part of your letter was my favorite! LOVE IT!

Though I must confess that what I find the most disturbing about the whole fiasco is that the remaining 65% contains stuff like "binders" and SOY (yeah, that estrogen-laden stuff that is making boys sterile. EEK!)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I love that you used the word "chutzpah." I agree. For $.49 he expects real meat? What an idiot!
xoRobyn

Lourie said...

Most definitely how they should respond. If not them, then perhaps the Judge! haha.

lisleman said...

you are so right about Hooters

Janiece said...

hahahhaaaa...
this is great...
the only lawsuit that I have heard of is the one of Rep. Dennis Kucinich, the Ohio representative is suing House cafeteria service providers for $150,000 for allegedly selling him a sandwich wrap with a stray olive pit in it.
HOW MESSED UP IS THAT!
Thanks for a good laugh!

Pat Tillett said...

I'll buy if you fly...
I want two green bean burritos!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Ugh - hate Taco Bell!!! Just plain grody!!!

And TB said it was beef....there's a lot of *parts* on a cow. Just sayin.

Mamma has spoken said...

What do you expect for a 99 cent burrito?

Joann Mannix said...

I had the same gut response. We ARE talking Taco Bell, right?

If they want to win a lawsuit, they might want to think about suing just for the fact alone that pimply faced teenage boys are making their tacos. Now that's a major cash award, right there. No one wants to think about where those hands have been.

Jenn said...

LMAO!! Too bad they won't respond like that though... But you gotta have dreams, right?

Teachinfourth said...

"soda machine starts dispensing human blood..."

BRILLIANT!

I also love Taco Bell. There, I said it.

-stephanie- said...

My thoughts exactly!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Hooters--So funny!! Maybe you should consider going into law? We need more judges with your attitude.

Connie said...

I think the meat is feral animals.
Great letter!

lifeshighway said...

Very funny and yet thought provoking, in fact I have been thinking for like a minute!

After pondering the meat merits of the local Taco Bell and knowing that it is a national chain, I propose the theory of local road kill. In NC that would be squirrel and some times of year deer. All you would have to do is send a crew out third shift. Brilliant.

Sausage Fingers said...

Funny!! I did a post about TB also.
Cheers, Sausage

Pedaling said...

"I mean please... call us when our soda machine starts dispensing human blood."

in the mean time I'll be enjoying my taco supreme & burrito with green sauce, with an order of gas on the side.

Impulsive Addict said...

Taco Hell is baaaaad. Why is it even open? I mean, besides their burritos, they've got nothin' that I want. Oh wait...their nachos bell grande is pretty tasty...minus the onions. Oh and their salsa is pretty good. Oh, and I really like their beef tacos-the ones in question.

But too much of Taco Hell for me and I have to spend the night in the bathroom. TMI?

Mommy Lisa said...

OMG HOOTERS! Their wings are GROSS. Also my BIL loves them and is the King of Wings at the Katy Hooters. Katy, TX where everything is bigger. :P

Chris Phillips said...

That was funny. It's a brilliant lawsuit though. Taco bell will legally have to remedy the problem and basically when they do it will be like admitting fault in their civil suit.

Katie said...

Ah...so well written! ;-)

I do seriously love the comment regarding hooters though...

::snort::

Lisa Loo said...

hmmmm..soda machines dispensing blood.....

off to call my friend who writes for CSI..........

You my friend...well....this was funny stuff...yes indeedee...

Lisa Loo said...

Oh and you killed me with the comment on my post about whistling at the vacuum--strange indeed and worthy of its own video....

Cluttered Brain said...

What no beef? lol.
Psssh.
Where's the chinese video?
Chinese chinese chinese...
Sorry one track mind over here.
Over 500 followers and all.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Hooters is fake?????

Lene said...

No beef at Taco Bell? Well they never claimed to be Wendy's.

mintifresh said...

Wait. There was a chance the meat at Taco Bell was actually real?? Or worth going through the drive thru for?? I wish they would send that email!

Poetic Justice said...

Glad I found you! Totally laughing out loud :)
~M

RosieC said...

Haha! So true! I would love to see what someone did if a soda dispenser started spouting blood. Sounds like a bad scene from a bad horror flick.

RosieC said...

PS--Don't suppose you watch Buffy? Season 6 when she's working at the fast food joint? "It's a meat process".

tammy said...

I thought it was a given that you were eating Chihuahua when you ate at Taco Bell.

FabuLeslie said...

hahahah! Call us when the soda machines start dispensing blood. Too funny, Cheeseboy! Missed your hilariosity.

W.C.Camp said...

Beef - you mean there is BEEF in those tacos? They should face a mass tort action ... I always thought it was 100% Mexican Chihuahua.

baygirl32 said...

hooters... I'm laughing so hard I can't think of anything else

Powdered Toast Man said...

The beef is 13% Chihuahua

Pat said...

Too funny!

Wait. You mean I can't get a job at Hooters because mine have to be fake? Damn! Wait. I have to be skinny, too? Well, forget about THAT business!

Booyah's Momma said...

Sheesh. If you're going to sue them for something, why pick the meat? I highly doubt there's much real cheese in that nacho sauce... even if it is yummy.

I don't care if it's real or not. All I know is that they sell delicious, Bel Grande goodness there, and I like it.

Noelle said...

I will just say ditto to all 45 comments before mine. :)

M-Cat said...

Laughing at the soda dispenser and human blood.

I freakin love Taco Bell and it's meat with all it's fillers. And if Rachel is right and its causes boys to go sterile, than all the more reason for us to visit for FHE

Emmy said...

Oh I have been hoping for something like this since seeing your FB status! Too funny. My brother served his mission in the Phillipines-they ate chicken feet and dog.

The Bipolar Diva said...

Here, here! Now bring on the tacos!

party said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Church Lady said...

Great. Now I'm craving Taco Bell. Have not eaten there in years!

lori said...

Hooters - good one!

Unknown Mami said...

I do believe that McDonald's got sued for their milk shakes not being made of ice cream.

Who goes to Taco Bell for the beef?