Sunday, January 23, 2011

Disneyland is not for the faint of heart, unless their heart faintness allows them to ride a scooter around the place.

I realize you have been waiting on pins and needles for my return (for those readers that are receiving acupuncture at this time, even more so) and my much-needed hiatus has come to a much-needed end.

 It's time for this man to do a little writing for "humor's" sake and I use that term loosely as I can barely be considered a "man".  And you need not worry, for I have been on-assignment in the Magically Kingdomy Kingdom.  I took my writing pad to scribble notes of the "thoughts" I had throughout the day.  ("Thoughts" is in quotes  because, well, it seemed fitting.)

The following is a minute-by-minute account of the thoughts running through my head as I ventured through the "Happiest Place on Earth". (Which is exactly what the old man that we saw tip over on his scooter and land on his face likely referred to it as.)

9:00 AM: Wow, hardly a line at all to get in.  Must be expecting a slow day today.

9:01 AM: Nevermind. 

9:10 AM: In line for Toy Story Mania with hundreds of others. I wonder if they donate these 3D glasses to poor 3D movie theaters when they are done with them?

9:20 AM: Back in line for Toy Story Mania.  Apparently, my wife has caught a bad case of the Mania.

9:40 AM: I bet the guy in the Woody costume totally gets hit on by a lot of moms. 

10:00 AM: In line for Soarin' Over California. We drove here so this will be California from a whole new perspective. 

10:20 AM: Disappointed that I am not soarin' over Fresno, the crown jewel of California.

10:30 AM: This Monsters Inc. ride strangely makes me hungry.

10:45 AM: Five Dollars for a friggin' Churro?  I wouldn't pay that if the Churro was two feet long!

10:48 AM: This Churro is delicious.

10:50 AM: A 13 minute line to ride the Tower of Terror?  I'm in.

11:03 AM: That Churro was not a good idea.

11:30 AM: Listening to a turtle named Crush talk to kids.   Can't imagine anything being more entertaining.

12:00 PM: Twelve bucks for a crappy burger and soda?!  I'd rather starve.

12:05 PM: This burger is not good. 

12:35 PM: 40 minutes to ride Peter Pan?!  Who in their right mind would wait...

1:15 PM: LOOK SON, we're FLYING!

1:16 PM: Note to Self: When opening own amusement park, make your rides dangle from the ceiling and you immediately increase wait times by an average of 30 minutes. 

1:30 PM: If the world was Disney-ized, I'd buy stock in the suspender industry.

1:35 PM: If I was a giant, NO WAY I'm drinking out of those teacups. All that butt sweat. 

1:45 PM: Maybe I'll luck out like last year and get a buzz from the second hand pot smoke in this Alice In Wonderland ride.

1:55 PM: Nope.

2:05 PM: This Autopia ride would be perfect if my four-year-old wasn't slamming our car into the rail over and over and over. 

2:25 PM: Yep, Space Mountain still rules. 

3:05 PM: I just saw Busy Phillips get off the Big Thunder Mountain with a Disney escort.  Who is Busy Phillips?  How do I even know who she is?!  Also, Disney escorts probably do not like to be referred to as "escorts".  They probably prefer "Paid Princesses", but really, we all know what they really do.

3:30 PM: Oh my goodness, did that Story Book Ride male cast member just say to my son, "Get off the railing, little prince.  Don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."

4:00 PM: It's a Small World is closed today which makes me question the actual size of the world right now.

4:05 PM: Not even in his most drunken days with the Paid Princesses would Walt Disney construct this nightmarish monstrosity known as "Toon Town". 

4:30 PM: I've heard rumors that Walt Disney's frozen head is stored in the basement of this Haunted Mansion which would explain why my ice cubes seemed a tad bit salty this afternoon.

4:45 PM:  Whinny the Pooh is not worthy of his own ride. Grow a backbone Whinny.  And what happened to those singing bears?  The one that played the banjo... ha ha! 

5:00 PM: Okay, I am officially exhausted.

5:15 PM If you are a woman over the age of 12 and are wearing a tiara or have your face painted like a fairy in Disneyland, you are not cute, you are pathetic and that is why you are here with your "friends" instead of a date.

5:25 PM: Same thing goes for men wearing Indiana Jones hats. 

5:30 PM: Unless you are actually Indiana Jones.

5:45 PM: This Jungle Cruise Guide sucks.  Hand over the mike, loser.  

5:46 PM: Nevermind.  He has a gun.  

6:00 PM: Holy crap, this robotic Mr. Lincoln is as boring as I remember as a kid.  

6:30 PM: Wow, I am so tired.  We should totally go try that Alice In Wonderland ride again. 

6:45 PM: Do the Tiki Room birds have had their wings clipped?  Why would they stay in this musky, putrid room for 40 years, singing the same songs over and over?

7:00 PM: Time to go. The boys have begun slapping each other's foreheads in line in attempt to put me over the edge.  It has worked.

7:15 PM: Another fine day in the Happiest Place on Earth.  Easily the best $5,362 I have ever spent.

I just returned.  I promise to get around and visit as many blogs as I can ASAP.

66 comments:

Ash said...

adorable! lol

congrats on your 500+ followers btw.

~ash's mum

Alittlesprite said...

Sounds like a great day.. I think.

From Tracie said...

]5:15 PM If you are a woman over the age of 12 and are wearing a tiara or have your face painted like a fairy in Disneyland, you are not cute, you are pathetic and that is why you are here with your "friends" instead of a date. <--best thought of the day.

I totally agree with you about Toon Town.

lori said...

Great pics! I think the problem is that you think too much. That's donald ducks problem too :-)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

This is all very David Lettermanesque. I mean that as a compliment, big-time. My favorite bit: 4:00 PM: It's a Small World is closed today which makes me question the actual size of the world right now.
Welcome back.
xoRobyn

lifeshighway said...

Great blow by blow play of a day in paradise. I congratulate you because it does not sound like you lost it one time. I cannot say the same on the Disney's counterpart in Florida. Perhaps it's the humidity.

tammy said...

Now you know why the last time we were there Luvpilot said, "We don't need to do this again for awhile."

{Don't tell him that I booked a trip for Oct....}

Jenn said...

LOL.... well worth the wait!!!!

The Stiffs said...

We were just thinking about another trip. Now I think I have to go.

Allyson & Jere said...

Yep! Sounds like a perfect day in Disney. But wait, you didn't even mention going ON Thunder Mountain. It's my fave! And lets get one thing straight, even if the churro DID really cost five bucks, it's TOTALLY worth it. TOTALLY! I go to Disneyland for the churro. The end. Well, that and Thunder Mountain and the Toy Story ride (you're wife was totally on to something there).
Glad you all had fun, and glad you're back.

Kate said...

Hilarious, and soooo true. Especially the food part. We have a picture of my son at Universal Studios in Florida holding up a "burger" the size of a large pickle chip. It hurts to think what we probably spent on it.

Your family is darling! And who is the Philips person? I have no idea.

TesoriTrovati said...

That pretty much sums up all the experiences I have every had at anyplace that starts with "Disney" but I would add that 3 year olds and 6 foot eternally smiling rodents name Chip or Dale do not mix.

And congrats on the 500+ followers! I just passed that milestone myself this weekend!

Enjoy the day, Cheese"man"!

Erin

The Church Lady said...

So glad you all made it back safely! By the looks of your photos and the smiles on your faces, you all must have had a great time! You are creating wonderful memories for your boys. They are adorable!

BTW, thanks for the laughs today!!

mintifresh said...

That was the best Disneyland experience I've had in years and all from the safety of my sofa!

Baby Sister said...

Remind me to never go to Disneyland with you...

Eva Gallant said...

The photos of the kids are adorable. Sounds like you had quite an adventure!

Kristina P. said...

Somehow, the picture I have of me eating a churro at Disneyland, ended up looking very porn star. I don't know how that happens.

And I too would have recognized Busy Phillips. Hopefully, she wasn't too busy for an autograph!

Bossy Betty said...

Shoot! I was hoping to see you in an Indiana Jones hat. I've had my tiara on for days now....

Emmy said...

Lol! Awesome. "thoughts"-too funny

And yes the food is insanely expensive. When we went a couple of years ago, I was "lucky" (notice the quotes) enough to ride that Winnie the Pooh ride several times with my then two-year-old.

Glad you had a great trip

Oilfield Trash said...

Looks like you had a great time.

Hart Johnson said...

So this got me thinking... if you are Cheeseboy, what does that make your sons? Cheese Doodles? Cheesenips? Cheeselings? Yeah... i think I got it right the first time... the Cheese Doodles are Darling, as is Queen Cheese. I cracked up through all of this... oh yeah... you captures the spirit of the magic kingdom alright...

Lisa Loo said...

"1:30 PM: If the world was Disney-ized, I'd buy stock in the suspender industry."
I may or may not have had too much caffeine this morning but this made me giggle uncontrollably--glad I'm all alone here...

"Miss Bee" said...

Welcome back! If only we would have thought about it ahead of time, instead of wearing the Barney costume for 500 followers, you could have walked around Disney with your face painted like a fairy. Hindsight....

Marlene said...

Sounds like a fun time!!!
Can't wait to see the video of you picking up Chinese in a Barney costume. ;)

Congrats on over 500 followers!

Mamma has spoken said...

WOW for that money your could have done the Disney cruise where they'll babysit your sons all day while you and wifey have a 'good' time ;o)

Impulsive Addict said...

Your blog rocks my socks off! Fo real.

(That is not a sexual comment, I promise. I'm happily married.)

Kelly said...

Sounds like you had a wonderful magical time. Now it's time to take a nice rest after your vacation.

Joann Mannix said...

Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Venice, Italy, in a gondola under the stars on this perfect, velvety night with my husband?

I turned to the gondolier and told him that there was no place on earth I would rather be than right there. I asked him if he could choose one place he'd like to be in all the world, where would he choose?

I am not kidding you. He said, Walt Disney World. The place I am forced to go to every weekend. The place I hate with all my heart.

The freakin' gondolier in Italy. Walt Disney World. Yeah.

Glad you're back, Cheese. The world was less funny without you. I gotta run. I've misplaced my tiara and I can't go to the grocery store without it.

Vivienne said...

I have been to Disneyland with the Escort/Guide. I will never again go without one.

Vanessa said...

Did you as Busy Phillips how much work Courteney Cox has really had done?

This is my favorite post! I didn't know the Lincoln "ride" "exhibit" whatever it was is still around. Who knew?

Joan said...

I"m worn out just reading this. Going to bed now.

Connie said...

Yes, it IS the happiest place on earth! I bet you're happy to be home. Now get to work! You have 505 followers waiting with bated breath for the video!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Welcome back. Very funny post. Tea cups and butt sweat? Ack. Seriously- where do you come up with this stuff?! And do you share all these lines with your wife?! After my exhausting day, thanks for a good laugh.

Lazarus said...

I just signed on to be your 506th follower, just so we'd have some wiggle room in case a few people drop out after ingesting bad churros. I'm new here, followed a link from Pearl, and am now on pins-and-needles awaiting the Barney food pick up. I hope you're ordering the Hu Flung Poo and Hung Tu Lo.

Kelley said...

I was laughing out loud at your boys slapping each other's heads. I could so see my boys doing the same thing. BTW, when we went to Disney World, Crush "talked" to my son. Because he had trouble speaking at the time (he was 5), Crush couldn't understand him. It was CRUSHing. Really. :(

Boy Mom said...

Almost, this makes me long for a vacation to the Magic Kingdom.

Great blog! Especially loved the letter from Prairie Dawn to The Count.

Cluttered Brain said...

What's with the blonde chick? Isn't she the chick from Cougartown? Did you see her at Disneyland?
Wow.
Lucky.
Chinese...Chinese....
lol.
Oh look, you picked up 6 new followers while you were away. Send some followers my way pullleese. I'm just a few away from 400. Maybe I should promise my readers a little somethin somethin. You think?
I did just win a Flip Hd.
You have any ideas?

Cluttered Brain said...

And for the record, I still have never been to disneyland. And I am 34 years old.
*sigh*
I think it is overrated.
But I could stand a Disney cruise...i love the ocean.

Cluttered Brain said...

You are very special today. You got 3 comments from me today. Feel special.
Now throw me some ideas...and some followers...
What would Cluttered Brain (that's me.) LOL...do for some followers...if she reached 425 followers....

I LOVE to video blog...keep that in mind.

Pedaling said...

space mountain does still rule!!

Holly Ruggiero said...

Dang, now I'm tired too!

Tyler and Lyndsay said...

I'm shocked you remembered all those minute by minute thoughts! Oh, and thanks for ruining the teacup ride (butt sweat) and the ice cubes (Walt's frozen head) at Disneyland for me. When we go, I will never think of that place the same...

Melinda said...

Because I barely pass for a man...HILARIOUS!!! Not because I agree or anything, thats just funny stuff right there!

Marnie said...

The tower of terror is my favorite. I went on that ride 14 times!!! Yes, the cost of food at these places is criminal. Glad you had a great time with your family.

M-Cat said...

Of course the pics of the boys are great - they are cute kids - but I was serio hoping for a pic of the old man face down on the pavement with his scooter......

Missy said...

My Girls do not even know this place exists!!!

Kristen said...

Kind of makes you wonder why we can't be that happy all the time without being at Disney.... I was thinking you might have stolen the cruise guide's job with all of your sharp wit and humor, but thankfully you came back. Now you need a vacation...

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

As a former employee/performer of Walt Disney World, I can tell you that as soon as those women found out how much Buzz Lightyear makes a year, they'd run far, far away!!

This was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh, I needed that!

mama-face said...

5:15. Harsh. bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Totally rethinking our family vacation...

Sounds like a wonderfully cheesy vacation. Glad you're home safe and sound.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I've never been to Disneyland, but boy oh boy, do I LOVE me some Disneyworld! It's always best to buy a meal plan, you get these little cards, and you paid for it ahead of time, so when it comes time to eat, you feel a little less like you just got raped.

Ms Bibi said...

Brings back memories or should I say nightmares from 5 months ago.Gotta love Disney....

Chris Phillips said...

dude I wear an indiana jones hat. what are you trying to say?

Teachinfourth said...

Sir Abe of Cheeseboy! I'm glad you were able to get away and have a little fun...

Sorry about the tiara queens everywhere. I think you made a good point on their singleness, too.

I'd have been wearing the Indiana Jones hat.

Enough said.

Sandra said...

You're back in one piece! Thank goodness! We didn't want any Humpty Dumpties today....who comes up with this stuff?
Looks like you had fun though!

imbeingheldhostage said...

That's the best. I just scrapbooked our 2009 Disney holiday this weekend and now I'm wishing I had had your notes to include ;-)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I grew up in Orlando, FL. A mere hour away from Disney World.

Our favorite past time was to go and make fun of all the european guys wearing their mini shorts and fanny packs.

Did you get a chance to see much of that... er, lovely sight?

UnicycleRose said...

Looooved your account of Disneyland! Glad you enjoyed California!!

Lourie said...

That is truly a day in the magic kingdom!!! And those burgers really aren't that good. Can we expect a similar posting for Knott's Berry Farm? :D

T said...

I'm going to wear a tiara tomorrow - and rock it in my uber cuteness...

and yes, it will probably still be pathetic.

Okie said...

MMMM...Disneyland...the happiest place on Earth. It's such a different experience with little kids.

I absolutely love Disney, but I can certainly relate to the various oddities on your trip. :)

As a heads up, I have just awarded you the "Stylish Blogger Award" over on my blog.

Woo-hoo! :)

Lene said...

Can you keep a secret? I have never been to Disneyland...
Therefore my children have never been to Disneyland...
Please don't tell Walt's frozen head.

Powdered Toast Man said...

Butt sweat hahahahhahahaha

Mighty M said...

WAS it a small world after all?

lindsey v said...

Seriously, what is wrong with their hamburgers?! They are horrible! If anyone takes some ground beef and cooks it and sticks it in a bun, it tastes good. Except at Disneyland. Maybe the meat is from those music playing bears. And maybe the buns are from the styrofoam of some no longer needed Small World dolls.

Kate said...

No Captain EO in that amazing day??

Jason, as himself said...

I know. I know. And this was one of the good days at Disneyland.

I have made it no secret that I don't love Disneyland:


http://jason-thejasonshow.blogspot.com/2010/10/i-dont-love-disneyland.html