It's time for this man to do a little writing for "humor's" sake and I use that term loosely as I can barely be considered a "man". And you need not worry, for I have been on-assignment in the Magically Kingdomy Kingdom. I took my writing pad to scribble notes of the "thoughts" I had throughout the day. ("Thoughts" is in quotes because, well, it seemed fitting.)
The following is a minute-by-minute account of the thoughts running through my head as I ventured through the "Happiest Place on Earth". (Which is exactly what the old man that we saw tip over on his scooter and land on his face likely referred to it as.)
9:00 AM: Wow, hardly a line at all to get in. Must be expecting a slow day today.
9:01 AM: Nevermind.
9:10 AM: In line for Toy Story Mania with hundreds of others. I wonder if they donate these 3D glasses to poor 3D movie theaters when they are done with them?
9:20 AM: Back in line for Toy Story Mania. Apparently, my wife has caught a bad case of the Mania.
9:40 AM: I bet the guy in the Woody costume totally gets hit on by a lot of moms.
10:00 AM: In line for Soarin' Over California. We drove here so this will be California from a whole new perspective.
10:20 AM: Disappointed that I am not soarin' over Fresno, the crown jewel of California.
10:30 AM: This Monsters Inc. ride strangely makes me hungry.
10:45 AM: Five Dollars for a friggin' Churro? I wouldn't pay that if the Churro was two feet long!
10:48 AM: This Churro is delicious.
10:50 AM: A 13 minute line to ride the Tower of Terror? I'm in.
11:03 AM: That Churro was not a good idea.
11:30 AM: Listening to a turtle named Crush talk to kids. Can't imagine anything being more entertaining.
12:00 PM: Twelve bucks for a crappy burger and soda?! I'd rather starve.
12:05 PM: This burger is not good.
12:35 PM: 40 minutes to ride Peter Pan?! Who in their right mind would wait...
1:15 PM: LOOK SON, we're FLYING!
1:16 PM: Note to Self: When opening own amusement park, make your rides dangle from the ceiling and you immediately increase wait times by an average of 30 minutes.
1:30 PM: If the world was Disney-ized, I'd buy stock in the suspender industry.
1:35 PM: If I was a giant, NO WAY I'm drinking out of those teacups. All that butt sweat.
1:45 PM: Maybe I'll luck out like last year and get a buzz from the second hand pot smoke in this Alice In Wonderland ride.
1:55 PM: Nope.
2:05 PM: This Autopia ride would be perfect if my four-year-old wasn't slamming our car into the rail over and over and over.
2:25 PM: Yep, Space Mountain still rules.
3:05 PM: I just saw Busy Phillips get off the Big Thunder Mountain with a Disney escort. Who is Busy Phillips? How do I even know who she is?! Also, Disney escorts probably do not like to be referred to as "escorts". They probably prefer "Paid Princesses", but really, we all know what they really do.
3:30 PM: Oh my goodness, did that Story Book Ride male cast member just say to my son, "Get off the railing, little prince. Don't want any Humpty Dumpties today."
4:00 PM: It's a Small World is closed today which makes me question the actual size of the world right now.
4:05 PM: Not even in his most drunken days with the Paid Princesses would Walt Disney construct this nightmarish monstrosity known as "Toon Town".
4:30 PM: I've heard rumors that Walt Disney's frozen head is stored in the basement of this Haunted Mansion which would explain why my ice cubes seemed a tad bit salty this afternoon.
4:45 PM: Whinny the Pooh is not worthy of his own ride. Grow a backbone Whinny. And what happened to those singing bears? The one that played the banjo... ha ha!
5:00 PM: Okay, I am officially exhausted.
5:15 PM If you are a woman over the age of 12 and are wearing a tiara or have your face painted like a fairy in Disneyland, you are not cute, you are pathetic and that is why you are here with your "friends" instead of a date.
5:25 PM: Same thing goes for men wearing Indiana Jones hats.
5:30 PM: Unless you are actually Indiana Jones.
5:45 PM: This Jungle Cruise Guide sucks. Hand over the mike, loser.
5:46 PM: Nevermind. He has a gun.
6:00 PM: Holy crap, this robotic Mr. Lincoln is as boring as I remember as a kid.
6:30 PM: Wow, I am so tired. We should totally go try that Alice In Wonderland ride again.
6:45 PM: Do the Tiki Room birds have had their wings clipped? Why would they stay in this musky, putrid room for 40 years, singing the same songs over and over?
7:00 PM: Time to go. The boys have begun slapping each other's foreheads in line in attempt to put me over the edge. It has worked.
7:15 PM: Another fine day in the Happiest Place on Earth. Easily the best $5,362 I have ever spent.
I just returned. I promise to get around and visit as many blogs as I can ASAP.