Sunday, January 2, 2011

If Baby Jesus Was Born Today...

Note: I meant this as a Christmas post, but got busy with things.  Hopefully, it is not too late for it still to be considered funny.

If Baby Jesus Was Born Today...

Wise Man 1: We Three Kings of Orient are bearing gifts we traverse afar.

Joseph: Why are you talking like that? Is a traverse like a trampoline?

Wise Man 2: We have brought gifts for the King!

Joseph: How did you find us?

Wise Man 3: Field and mountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star.

Joseph: That?  Oh that's a spotlight from the Haunted House going on next door.

Wise Man 1: Oh. Well, it was very telling as to your location.

Wise Man 2: We have brought gifts.  Gifts for the King!

Joseph: Hold on.  Let me go get Marry.

[Mary enters]

Mary: Welcome. Before you give the gifts, I must first examine them.

Wise Man 1: Gold I bring to crown him again.

Mary: Gold? He is three years old, you know.

Wise Man 1: Yes, gold I bring.  Gold I bring to crown him again.

Marry: And where was this gold manufactured?

Wise Man 1: The Orient.

Mary: Is there lead in the gold?  Is it tainted with lead?

Wise Man 1: Uh, uh... I know not.

Mary: You better keep it until you find out. I don't want my kid sucking on some block of gold that's tainted with lead.

Wise Man 2: Frankincense to offer have I. Incense owns a Deity nigh

Marry: Frankincense?  Now, what is that exactly?

Wise Man 2: Frankincense is resin from the Boswellia tree.

Mary: And what is my child supposed to do with this Frankincense?

Wise Man 2: If you light it, it creates a very sweet incense.

Mary: Call us old fashioned, but we try and keep him away from second hand smoke, even of the incense variety. And he isn't about to start playing with matches.

Wise Man 2: What then shall I do with the Frankincense?

Mary: I suggest you burn it yourself.  But I am beginning to question you three and your "wisdom".

Wise Man 3: Myrrh is mine, it's bitter perfume breathes of life of gathering gloom.

Marry: Gathering gloom?  I do not like the sound of that.  And why are you all singing your gifts?

Wise Man 3:  No, no.  Myrrh is resin that has great medicinal value.

Mary: Medicinal value?  Does it have a safety cap?

Wise Man 3: A safety cap? What is the meaning of this safety cap?

Mary: Maybe you guys should go.

Wise Man 3: Wait, did I mention that it can also be used for embalming?

Mary: Yeah, I think you should definitely go.  You can come back when you rethink your gifts to a little bit.

Wise Man 1: Well, how will we know where to find you?

Joseph: Look for the Haunted House spotlight.

Wise Man 2: You mean the star?

Joseph: They call you guys the "wise men"?

56 comments:

Claire said...

I am resisting the urge to yell FIRST COMMENT! Because I never have..so I won't start now..

I guess if Jesus was sucking of lead gold things could have wound up a lot differently, eh?

Oilfield Trash said...

Omg that is freaking hilarious.

SueLovesCherries said...

As Spock would say, "Fascinating"! I hope you're rested up and have your battle armour ready to face all those sugar-filled kiddies tomorrow!

Kristen said...

Apparantly a midwife was involved and Joseph and Mary decided to have the baby out back in the barn? -as all children should be born these days....

00dozo said...

The kid is already three years old? I guess that the Three Wise Men get when they don't update the GPS on their smart phones, eh?
;-)

Merry (Belated) Christmas and Happy New Year!

Kristina P. said...

That Marry. Just can't catch a break!

Joann Mannix said...

And how bout the fact that Joseph was okay with the fact that Marry was all, "Hey Joseph? I know we're not married yet, but surprise! I'm going to have a baby! It's a miracle! An immaculate conception miracle!"

Joseph was a good man for sticking around.

If I were Marry, I would have taken the bars of gold and melted them down. Gold's at a premium these days, you know.

Joan said...

LOL!! Good story, and believable too.

Have a great new year.

Shell said...

LOL

Lamest comment ever...but it was funny and I'm tired.

Saimi said...

Ha very funny!!

So apparently it took three years for the not so wise men to find baby Jesus...Yeah, they failed to mention that in the scriptures.

Kate said...

Never fear...it will still be funny in June.

Alittlesprite said...

In some neighbourhoods, the Three Wise Men would have got a cap in their arse...

mintifresh said...

Who would want Myrrh for their birthday?? I mean really!?! Had they not seen the 'Sing-a-ma-jig' at Will Mart in their travels?!?!!!

Nicole said...

I am running out of ways to say hahahahahaaa...

Soo.. hahahahaaa

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

I have no words!

Lourie said...

That is totally irreverent and completely hilarious! Right up my alley.

Connie said...

Come on! Give the wisemen a break! They've traveled afar! Humor them a little!

That Marry...so concerned about safety caps, lead and second hand smoke. What's with the haunted house next door?

Eva Gallant said...

Very, very clever! I liked it!

The Church Lady said...

Great take! Those three wise men need to get with the times!

My Mom and my sister's middle name is "myrrh". It is a family name.

Gigi said...

Mary should have taken the gold and then sold it for cash. That's really popular here now, I imagine it's hot in jerusalem, too.

Katie said...

That song always did make me laugh out loud during church at Christmas time.

Way to go, Mary, for being so hip to the times!

Fragrant Liar said...

These days, Jesus would have expected an M-rated Black Ops video game. And a cell phone to reach his homie apostles.

Corrina Terry said...

Funny!!!! (Things were probably so much simpler back then, huh?) This was a good one!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris Phillips said...

Next year post the same idea but make the wisemen the up to date ones, with bluetooths and starbucks.

Unknown Mami said...

Too bad they weren't registered anywhere then the wisemen could have just bought something off the registry.

T said...

oh - SO - funny!

Holly said...

Too funny... because it's true!! LOL!

YES! Be excited about Disneyland!! 'D

Jenn said...

LOL...now that's hilarious!!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Not too late to be hilarious, Cheeseboy!

Hart Johnson said...

*snicker* Oh, very nice, Abe! I love it... the things that aren't possible anymore because of child safety considerations...

Impulsive Addict said...

Can I just spend one day inside your brain? I would have so much fun in there. You are such a riot!

natalee said...

BWAHAHAHHAHA!! I laughed so hard.. this made me spit my coffee out...LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

clark.yospe said...

for a school teacher don't you have spell check or proof read?
Marry? Mary! This was really reaching

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Safety caps are SO overrated.

Missy said...

OMG!!! I love the Safety Cap...

Ally said...

Too funny :) Love it!

Just wanted to stop by and wish you a Happy New Year!

Shannon Green said...

They should have just gone with a gift card.

Deidra said...

Wow, all so true...

One Cluttered Brain said...

LOL! Bwahahaha.
Oh my. You funny.
I mean like a funny superstar.
I vlogged today and showed off my jazz hands. Take a look.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

ah yeah. I was thinking the wise men would bring gift cards! Then? He could buy what he wanted!

Eric said...

Well maybe a couple of years ago. I think today they might just post some good wishes and a few pics on a FB wall and try to use Paypal to donate to Jesus.

No, surely it happened as your post describes it. :)

jennifer said...

Funny stuff! Your post made me think of THIS post... http://mrsmouthy.wordpress.com/2010/12/21/the-nativity-in-the-eyes-of-a-child/

You might get a kick out of Mrs. Mouthy's blog.

Teachinfourth said...

When you do stop to think about it, their gifts were pretty strange...

A box of pampers and formula would have probably made better gifts.

Powdered Toast Man said...

hahahahahahaha

Good stuff. That post would have been funny in June.

I posted some trivia today if you wanted to play.

thunderbenholt said...

How could Jesus be three years old if he was just born today? Just wondering.

See Mom Smile said...

The wise men need to come back with a Nintendo DS, and a ClearPlay DVD player. Those are my votes.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

LOL!! OMG laughing so hard!!!!!!

Okie said...

lol....perfect. hilarious.

Well played Cheeseboy...well played. :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

My kids asked for gold, frankincense and myrhh and all they got were some lousy toys and video games. Maybe it was the lack of a really good spotlight?

Impulsive Addict said...

I've already commented once but I wanted to let you know that you're almost to 500 followers and I can't WAIT to see you in a Barney suit and I copied your button to my page.

That's all.

Marnie said...

Hilarious, I don't know how I missed this one.

Kelley said...

No, no...this is still funny. Ha! I'm loving the Yoda way these men speak. You so funny, Cheeseboy. You should really get a Twitter account.

Pat Tillett said...

Now that is darn funny! I end the day smiling... thanks!

Marla said...

That brain of yours is always spinning isn't it? Pretty funny stuff Cheeseboy.

tiburon said...

HAHAHAHA!! Totally never too late to be funny!

Bits-n-Pieces said...

contrary to popular belief..there was a 4th wiseman, but he got turned away for bringing fruitcake.