Thursday, January 6, 2011

A Romantic Evening with Cheeseboy (Or "How to Woo that Special Someone")



Generally, I do not write about my personal love life with the little lady, but I thought my readers would be interested in what kind of an ultra romantic I can be. Plus, I think my amazing skills might prove helpful to some of my male readers.  Thus, I give to you, "A Romantic Eve with Cheeseboy."  

Gentlemen, I always start the evening with some soft, saucy music to set the mood.  Something groovy like Marvin Gaye or maybe that second Glee soundtrack will always set a romantic groove.  Occasionally I will even offer my wife one of my iPod earbuds.

After listening to a couple songs, we sit down for a fancy candlelit dinner.  I must admit, it takes nearly three hours to cook those microwave dinners over candlelight, but nothing is too much work for my honey.  It also fills the room with a vivid, burnt plastic scent.

I never shave my chest for a date with my wife.  In fact, I will often straighten my chest hair using her own hair straightener.  (Trust me men, she LOVES this.)

My motto is to treat the little lady right, and that is why I always sit her down for an after dinner foot massage.  She spends at least a half an hour working around my bunions and then she runs her fingers through my toe hair. It's amazing.

She looks amazing and it's now time to treat my sweetie to some of my famous dessert.  My wife loves my mousse and I save it precisely for these impassioned moments.  Now, the secret to this magically romantic mousse is peeling that plastic lid thing off the container.  (If you want to give your honey a little "extra", be sure to lick the mousse off the back of the plastic ever so provocatively.)

My next move to woo my tender lady is taking her out for a starry-eyed carriage ride through the downtown lights.  We cuddle close and pull a blanket over us as we soak in the moment together. The only slightly awkward part is trying to get out of those tiny stroller seats when it is over.

The carriage ride is guaranteed to put that special woman in a amorous mood. That's when I know it is time to head home. Upon entering our home, I like to carry my special lady through the door as a romantic gesture.  And I'll tell you - she looks beautiful in the moonlight, sitting in that wheelbarrow.  

Finally, the time has come for the Cheeseboy to WORK HIS MAGIC!  I retire to the den where I do a quick change into something a little magical and then return with a saw, a rabbit and a top hat.  Nothing quite excites my wife like a little slight of hand and playing-card illusion.

As the evening winds down, there just might be some time left for a little something special.  My beloved companion will almost always change into something a little more "comfortable".  She looks stunning in her old sweatpants and fruffy hoodie. I put on my nicest pair of work socks.  And that... that my friends, is when the real magic happens.  

There you are men. You have now been trained and tutored in the ways of love. 

 You're welcome.

Ladies, feel free to present your partner with this guide to help him rev up the romance in your relationship. 

59 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Any nipple burns?

Ms Bibi said...

Mrs, Cheeseboy is one special lucky lady. I printed it for my hubs and I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Marnie said...

Such a charmer. Your wife must be waiting for the next romatic evening ;0)

Donda said...

Magical, indeed. LMAO

Melinda said...

Fruffy hoodie? Fruffy? Methinks that is not a real word... Otherwise you had me at the most romantic thing I have EVER read!

mintifresh said...

You had me at "straightening my chest hairs". I wish my husband was as good to me as you are to your Mrs!

Kate said...

Oh, goodness, you had me at toe hair. Lucky Cheesegirl. Ahhh, married love. :)

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

Wow, your little lady is so lucky to be married to The Ladies Man from SNL. Is there any sipping of Courvoisier during this romantic endeavor?

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

You should have saved this & posted it on Valentine's Day instead. Remind me not to show this one to my husband ... you might give him more twisted ideas! You are sick & wrong my friend - hilarious-- but sick & wrong! LOL

Impulsive Addict said...

My first thought is that she would probably get GREAT PLEASURE from waxing your Tom Selleck/gorilla chest hair. And then she should pluck your toe hair just because it hurts like hell. And tell her I have an idea for what she can do with your can of mousse too, Buddy!

I may be PMS'ing. I'm not sure though..

dbs said...

Other men straighten their chest hair too?

Rachel said...

Am I the only one who finds it slightly disturbing that you have a dogeared autographed photo of Tom Selleck? ;)

Tom said...

Thanks for the tips. I especially like the foot rub section.

Emmy said...

Okay this whole thing made me laugh so hard...except the toe hair part, I might have thrown up a little.

jennifer said...

It's nice to know that "something a little more comfortable" means the same thing in other homes.

And my husband thought there was something wrong with me... pish.

Holly said...

...and NOW we KNOW and UNDERSTAND how YOU won her heart!! BAHAHA!!! Actually, I think you and my hubby would get along GREAT!!! You know, he also has a PERFECT memory! You know how he knows that? He can't remember anything he's EVER forgotten!! *sigh* OH!! After dineer... "WHO WANTS PIE?" "Me" "I do" "me"... "Too bad we don't have any!" *GROAN* ...as if I haven't heard THOSE a thousand times... LOL!!

tammy said...

I can't wait to share your tips with Luvpilot. You know, we have an anniversary coming up next week.

Joann Mannix said...

I'm just trying to picture what straightened chest hair must look like.

And magic! Well, of course. What woman doesn't love some sawing in half? Magicians just have that extra special oomph. Ask David Copperfield. I'm pretty sure he still has a couple of charges against him from the special way he treats the ladies.

Your wife. Wow. She must be one incredibly tolerant lady. Cause I know I won't touch the bunions during the foot massage.

Jenn said...

Maybe you should have weekly classes on how to woo the ladies. I'd send Chris there for sure!! Here I thought he was pretty romantic, but he ain't got nothin' on Cheeseboy!! LOL

-stephanie- said...

Well the jealousy is pouring out of me right now. Your wife is one lucky lady.

Eva Gallant said...

No wonder she can't resist you!

Connie said...

You didn't mention anything about the back hair. You straighten that too?

She's one lucky lady!

Simon Wallett said...

For such a special evening I may even consider going brokeback mountain if your game!?

The Church Lady said...

Actually that sounds about how my romantic evenings are with FW. Except, I prefer curly chest hair to straight!

Amanda said...

Oh no, we've been doing it all wrong! I have to print this out and show it to Choreboy so he can use it as a playbook.

:D

Oilfield Trash said...

I will agree with you. Nothing makes a womans romantic juices flow like a carriage.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You must have a line of women outside your door for miles...

Baby Sister said...

Oh yes, I can definitely see why you're wife married you...

mama-face said...

I just threw up a little.

The stroller imagery is scintillating.

baygirl32 said...

WOW, those are some super smooth moves. I wish husband knew how to use my straightener

Bossy Betty said...

I am copying this for my husband so we can have a nice of romance and passion for once. Thanks!

Saimi said...

I mean seriously, who doesn't love a wheelbarrow ride! She is truly a lucky lady indeed!

Marlene said...

Funny, funny post!

elesa said...

Oh yeah. Work socks. They get me every time.

Hart Johnson said...

*falls off chair* Oh, I wish I could get the hubby to read blogs. I'm sure he could learn something *snort*

imbeingheldhostage said...

I gagged at the toe hair part, sorry-- I guess I've never been much of a romantic.

RosieC said...

A wheelbarrow? Nothing says romance like a tool used to cart sh**. ;)

Natalie said...

Toe hair? Chest hair? Sounds like a night of pure ecstasy!

GrammyMouseTails said...

who is pushing this carriage-stroller ride? or do you have magical elves (kids) that do that work. and then a wheelbarrow ride, wow! this must really get Mrs.Cheeseboy dizzy enough to handle the toe hair ;) I often wonder if straightened chest hair is less ticklish than curly? Since DH is bald-chested I (gratefully) will never know! *snorts*

Katie said...

I don't know. I kind of like ULTRA curly chest (and toe) hair. Maybe you should find her curling iron and give THAT a try next time.

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

Hello, my sweet! I just wanted to let you know I've passed an award along to you on my blog. Feel free to ignore it if awards aren't really your thing, you won't hurt my feelings in the LEAST! I just wanted you to know I think you ROCK!! Cheers!

tiburon said...

Now I see how you crazy kids have been able to make it work. You are full of romance and win.

Well played, Cheese. Well played.

ModernMom said...

You spoil her:)

tattytiara said...

You really want to drive her wild take a crimper to that chest hair. Rawr!

Kelley said...

I loved the suspense you built up in each paragraph. Ha! This is good stuff, Cheeseboy. Your little lady is just so fortunate to have someone as romantic as you.

Alittlesprite said...

How could she resist?

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, now I even want a romantic evening with Cheeseboy...

One Cluttered Brain said...

Bwahahaha.
Really? You make it sound so simple?
I love the wheelbarrow approach to carrying her.
I BET she LOVES that...
lol.
so romantic.
You cheeseboy are AWESOME.
This post deserves a Twitter shoutout...
:)

Corrina Terry said...

HilaRRRRious!!!! Your poor wife! Does she know about your blogs??? ;o)

Sandra said...

Hilarious!
I think going to a movie might be easier though.

Pat Tillett said...

This is one of the funniest posts I've ever read, by anyone!

In a wheelbarrow!!!!!

RaShelle said...

AWESOME! I'm printing this out for the hubs right now. You've got skills, my friend! Skillz! ROFL =D

Powdered Toast Man said...

You can't cook those dinners by candlelight, the stove works best. It just melts right through the plastic and cooks the food quicker.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I really enjoyed this, Cheeseboy, perhaps because I have never had such a romantic evening. You wife sure is lucky.
xoRobyn

Lourie said...

Sharing ear buds, wheel barrows, best work socks and toe hair!! So sweet and romantical!

Marla said...

Seriously, you boy people are all the same. Weirdly wonderful creatures, in a demented sort of way.

T said...

oh, I would share this with ManOfTheHouse, but I'm not touching bunions.

Tarja said...

It's like Sexy Fun Time with Will Farrell.

And offering an ear bud? Too generous by far.

But you're right. I do love it when my husband flat-irons his chest hair. It looks like a a Real Housewives of Chesterly Hills Chia Pet.

lindsey v said...

Wow. I'm so glad you are doing this service for men everywhere to know how to be the best of the best.