Gentlemen, I always start the evening with some soft, saucy music to set the mood. Something groovy like Marvin Gaye or maybe that second Glee soundtrack will always set a romantic groove. Occasionally I will even offer my wife one of my iPod earbuds.
After listening to a couple songs, we sit down for a fancy candlelit dinner. I must admit, it takes nearly three hours to cook those microwave dinners over candlelight, but nothing is too much work for my honey. It also fills the room with a vivid, burnt plastic scent.
I never shave my chest for a date with my wife. In fact, I will often straighten my chest hair using her own hair straightener. (Trust me men, she LOVES this.)
My motto is to treat the little lady right, and that is why I always sit her down for an after dinner foot massage. She spends at least a half an hour working around my bunions and then she runs her fingers through my toe hair. It's amazing.
She looks amazing and it's now time to treat my sweetie to some of my famous dessert. My wife loves my mousse and I save it precisely for these impassioned moments. Now, the secret to this magically romantic mousse is peeling that plastic lid thing off the container. (If you want to give your honey a little "extra", be sure to lick the mousse off the back of the plastic ever so provocatively.)
My next move to woo my tender lady is taking her out for a starry-eyed carriage ride through the downtown lights. We cuddle close and pull a blanket over us as we soak in the moment together. The only slightly awkward part is trying to get out of those tiny stroller seats when it is over.
The carriage ride is guaranteed to put that special woman in a amorous mood. That's when I know it is time to head home. Upon entering our home, I like to carry my special lady through the door as a romantic gesture. And I'll tell you - she looks beautiful in the moonlight, sitting in that wheelbarrow.
Finally, the time has come for the Cheeseboy to WORK HIS MAGIC! I retire to the den where I do a quick change into something a little magical and then return with a saw, a rabbit and a top hat. Nothing quite excites my wife like a little slight of hand and playing-card illusion.
As the evening winds down, there just might be some time left for a little something special. My beloved companion will almost always change into something a little more "comfortable". She looks stunning in her old sweatpants and fruffy hoodie. I put on my nicest pair of work socks. And that... that my friends, is when the real magic happens.
There you are men. You have now been trained and tutored in the ways of love.
Ladies, feel free to present your partner with this guide to help him rev up the romance in your relationship.