Friday, August 6, 2010
Ode to the ultimate kissing champion, Richard Dawson
It was a skill I was only required to use once or twice. Well twice - depending on if your definition of "ugly" includes viewable nostril hair and what appeared to be an aggressive forehead shingles rash that lasted her entire Sophomore year.
Where was I? Oh yes, Richard was a wizard with the ladies. He could make them swoon by the way he worked his ultra-extended microphone and the way he wore those brown striped, large-knobbed ties. He had power over the ladies not seen since the days that Samwise Gangee loved Frodo.
It had always been my understanding that the women on the show HAD to kiss Richard; that when they were chosen for the show, they entered into a binding contract stating that they would joyfully mouth wrestle Richard on a moments notice. So when a neighborhood family was chosen as contestants for the show, the question everyone wanted to know was not if they were going to win the ten grand, but if the women would suck face with the great Dicky Dawson.
I was only ten at the time, but I imagine that the real housewives of Salt Lake County were abuzz as to the potential Ricky-Kissies that would or would not be going down in Hollywood.
After researching a little about Richard, I now know why he had such impeccable dexterity with women. Apparently, he was born in England - where kissing ugly queens is considered a national pastime - as is evident by the the long history of promiscuous queens and the life story of Elton John.
Richard then ran away from home at age 14, joined the army and pursued a boxing career. Undoubtedly during this time, Richard trained in the art of kissing and performed millions of lip curls.
In the later stages of his career, Richard ultimately decided that kissing was something that he would reserve for his wife only. Nevertheless, in the course of fifteen years, he had kissed thousands of women of all shapes, sizes and colors. He is the legend that cold sores are made of. His lifelong struggle with mononucleosis is not to be discounted. Richard Dawson is a great American hero and kissing virtuoso.