Friday, August 6, 2010

Ode to the ultimate kissing champion, Richard Dawson

I learned how to kiss ugly girls by watching Richard Dawson.

It was a skill I was only required to use once or twice. Well twice - depending on if your definition of "ugly" includes viewable nostril hair and what appeared to be an aggressive forehead shingles rash that lasted her entire Sophomore year.

Where was I?  Oh yes, Richard was a wizard with the ladies.  He could make them swoon by the way he worked his ultra-extended microphone and the way he wore those brown striped, large-knobbed ties.  He had power over the ladies not seen since the days that Samwise Gangee loved Frodo.

It had always been my understanding that the women on the show HAD to kiss Richard; that when they were chosen for the show, they entered into a binding contract stating that they would joyfully mouth wrestle Richard on a moments notice.  So when a neighborhood family was chosen as contestants for the show, the question everyone wanted to know was not if they were going to win the ten grand, but if the women would suck face with the great Dicky Dawson.

I was only ten at the time, but I imagine that the real housewives of Salt Lake County were abuzz as to the potential Ricky-Kissies that would or would not be going down in Hollywood. 

My memory of the the actual show is fuzzy.  I believe that the family lost (except for the home game consolation prize and possible microwave oven) and I have no recollection as to if the women actually osculated with Richard. I'll have to check with my mother, a real former real housewife of Salt Lake County and Richard Dawson cynic.

After researching a little about Richard, I now know why he had such impeccable dexterity with women.   Apparently, he was born in England - where kissing ugly queens is considered a national pastime - as is evident by the the long history of promiscuous queens and the life story of Elton John.

Richard then ran away from home at age 14, joined the army and pursued a boxing career.  Undoubtedly during this time, Richard trained in the art of kissing and performed millions of lip curls.

In the later stages of his career, Richard ultimately decided that kissing was something that he would reserve for his wife only.   Nevertheless, in the course of fifteen years, he had kissed thousands of women of all shapes, sizes and colors. He is the legend that cold sores are made of. His lifelong struggle with mononucleosis is not to be discounted. Richard Dawson is a great American hero and kissing virtuoso.

42 comments:

Teachinfourth said...

Well, I guess that's one way to guarantee that you'll be getting a little bit of action each week with the mandatory lip lock sessions. I wonder, did this count as prostitution if the woman's family ended up winning a cash sum?

Kristina P. said...

My kissing mentor was Angela Lansbury from "Murder, She Wrote." She had excellent form.

Donda said...

Remind me to red this tomorrow when I am not UI. Please and Thank You :)

T said...

my aunt and her family were on this show... I'll have to ask her if Dickie is really that great a kisser :)

MBGITWWR said...

Wow! Flashbacks! I loved watching this show, but Richard (or as I called him - Dick) always creeped me out. I would think of all the things I could do if he tried to kiss me while being a contestant. The overwhelming majority of the time I imagined slapping the crap out of his face and stomping off the stage while giving the camera the bird. Of course, my mild mannered ways probably would have taken over and I would have simply turned my face to receive a cheek assault instead. You have to behave on television you know. You wouldn't want to embarrass your family (i.e. my web videos - hahaha!).

MiMi said...

I guess I'd kiss him if it made me a shoo-in for winning.
Does that make me a "prostitute?" Oh no.

Sweet Bee Cottage said...

I didn't even have to read this post to know it would be hilarious. So I didn't read it - just the title. Ehhh - not really - I was right, you are too funny! Frankly, he always creeped me out a little. I had a cousin who dreamed of going on Family Feud but I said, "Count me out as long as that guy is kissing everyone."

Saimi said...

I so agree with MBGITWWR, except the mild manner part. There's nothing mild about me, I would have stuck with the slap and walked off!

Kelley said...

This is soooo making me laugh out loud! Hahaha!! I love the lip wrestling reference. Oh, hold on. It appears I don't as I am...about...to, oh, dang it...slfjalkdfjpa0sdlfkjsa,dfvnadfas09ta. I'm back. Wow, I didn't even know I was sick. You have a way with words, Cheeseboy. Did you ever catch the set by Tommy Johnagin on Last Comic Standing re: kissing? Aaaaaaaahhhhhahahahaha!!! It made me laugh so hard. Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnLVeGbyHM0.

DeNae said...

I'm old enough to remember Richard Dawson as the loveable British scoundrel Corporal Newkirk on "Hogan's Heroes". And he was always one for the ladies, even then. Although Robert Crane (Hogan) still got the most face time.

And Kristina is my kissing mentor. Until I met her, I was just faking it.

dbs said...

Coincidentally, I went to school with a kid named Richard Dawson. He was a cool kid but he wasn't as entertaining as your blog.

Shrinky said...

Yeah, I've kissed a few ugly queens in my time (why d'you think I left England?)

Shelly Belly's Boutique said...

so funny....I was just talking to my MIL about this guy! He used to get into trouble...and yes, he didn't care about how fugly some of those girls were..

SparkleFarkle said...

Man. Back in the day, on my face is exactly where I didn't want Richard Dawson to be. I would think to myself, "If I ever have to be on the Feud, God grant me a MAJOR cold sore." Richard had his limits and cold sores were it.


Best weekend come your way, SF~~~~~*

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Richard took the bad with the good.

Everyday Goddess said...

I probably would have kissed him if I had been on the show, but, I would have totally LOVED to have Graham Kerr (the Galloping Gourmet) feed me!

Now that's retro TV sexy crazy for you!

Gigi said...

he was gross. 'nuff said.

Sam Liu said...

I have never heard of this elusive English American, Mr. Dawson. But he certainly sounds like an...interesting character, shall we say :D

Connie said...

Ahhh...yes...Richard Dawson. Don't know who I feel the most sorry for, him or the women who had to kiss him.

Funny stuff this morning.

Baby Sister said...

Oh wow...there you go then. How you come up with stuff I'll never know. But it's hilarious!!

mama-face said...

haha. I got to thinking of Richard Dawson just the other day when I caught a new version, (with that guy from tool time? I don't even know), of FF. I have to admit that although R.D. was a perv, he was a whole lot more entertaining. I admire the skill of the women who could bob and weave their way to a cheek kiss.

I HOPE your mother was never a REAL housewife of SLC. NO words to explain.

Jason, as himself said...

I always thought he was so yucky! And all the ladies on his show were just so ga-ga over him.

Bits-n-Pieces said...

i always wanted a kiss from Richard Dawson when I was growing up and watching The Feud....but now, looking back...that's a lot of mouths he's touched. Eww!

TechnoBabe said...

I wonder what Richard Dawson is doing these days. If he could kiss all those women and not catch horrible germs, he must have an enviable immune system. For me, I would not do the kissing thing but I have always been pretty picky about who I kissed.

Tracie said...

I always wondered why the ladies loved him so much. I thought he was gross.

Pedaling said...

Family Feud was one of my favorite game shows growing up.
I would always think there's no way those lips would touch mine after some of the previous lip smackers of his!

Writing Without Periods! said...

Eh, I have 3 questions...why were you kissing ugly girls?
Were those kisses through the tv? Did you kiss the same girls as Richard?
Need to know,
Mary

Mamma has spoken said...

That game show was never the same since he left :o(
I once went to a stage show that Louie Anderson was doing and part of the show was a promtue Family feud where he pulled people from the audience to answer the questions. No kissing at this show, but we all know why that was ;o)

RaShelle said...

LOL - Never could figure out why they all wanted to mash face with him. Yuck. You are a funny man.

Georgina Dollface said...

Oh I remember watching that show and thinking he was such a creep. How could any respectable head of household stand there and let some gross old guy grope and kiss his wife and then his daughter and then his mother and then...ewwww, I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit. - G

Cherie said...

I loved the Family Feud growing up. One of my friends families was on the show - She had to kiss him...sick! Maybe some of those grown women liked to kiss him but 18 year old girls -not so much!!

Donda said...

Richard Dawson pales in comparison to Bob Barker! Now, there's a real man!

Jenn said...

Richard Dawson use to creep me out when I was younger!! lol

Joann Mannix said...

Sorry, I've been gone all weekend and I'm just catching up. I read the first few lines of your last post and then decided I had to come over here to see what the freak you were talking about. This is not crap! This is good stuff, Cheese. Because everyone DOES wonder about Richard Dawson and all his heebie kissing.

But more so, I want to hear about these ugly girls you kissed. Why did you feel required to kiss ugly girls? Was this some rule of yours, a quota? I am proud to say I've never kissed an ugly boy and I, um, well, might have kissed a lot of boys in my day.

Marla said...

I love this post. There may be something seriously wrong with me.

Pat said...

We were in California on vacation and go to see them filming some of these shows. Richard Dawson always creeped me out, too, with the kissing business, but other than that he was the best host of that show I think.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I think Bob Barker is the ultimate recipient of kisses. His microphone was longer too.

tiburon said...

My friend was on the Family Feud. But it was when Louie Anderson was the host. Pretty sure there was no kissing.

M-Cat said...

Dicky Dawson! Our neighbors went on Family Fued too, though I don't remember if there were bets about Momma Baker kissing Dick.

jayayceeblog said...

Laughing 'til I cry here ... suck face with the great Dicky Dawson!

Mighty M said...

I loved watching this show!!

JoeyfromSC said...

haha! I totally remember Richard Dawson! Thanks for stopping by my blog-I agree..Man bloggers unite! lol

I like your blog and I'll stop by again