Monday, August 30, 2010

How I survive everyday life: Lessons I have learned from wilderness survival experts - Bear Grylls and Les Stroud.

There ain't nothing better than watching some dude in the woods pick the berries out of bear poop and then plop them in his mouth.

For a time in the mid to late 2000's, I was into survival shows: Man v. Wild, Survivorman, The View.  I was intrigued by the idea that there are still places in this world that require a twelve-inch Crocodile Dundee knife to eat dinner or cut open an old milk jug.  I'd watch every episode in hopes to see what our survival heroes would do and eat next.  I witnessed the digestion of reindeer eyeballs, rotten zebra corpse and human urine... and that was just Joy Behar's mid morning brunch. 

During my semi-brief stint of Survival-vision fandom, I gained a great knowledge base of survival techniques to ensure that my chiseled, stalwart and astute DNA live on for the rest humankind to enjoy and behold.

I feel confident that my extensive training would ensure my survival in any condition, in any circumstance, in any place.  The lessons I have endured by the wise, plump Les Stroud and the shirtless, tight-abbed Bear Grylls have prepped me for survival of the harshest climates.  I give you the five most important survival skills that I learned from survival television.

1. Always carry a sharpened stick.  You never know when you are going to need to spear something in self defense or for food.

Television application: Bear Grills used a series of sharp sticks to combat wild boar and hungry lions.  Stroud uses a sharp stick to spear fish.

Television backfire: The stick is no match for a charging rhino.

Real world application: Sharpened sticks are great for reaching your McDonald's bag when you parked a little too far away from the drive through window.  A series of sharp sticks on your porch will also keep rambunctious door-to-door salesmen at bay.

Real world backfire:The stick accidentally jabs me in the eardrum when I attempt to use it to clean out my ears.

2. If it's edible, eat it. You never know when your next meal will be.  It's better to eat something disgusting now than have an empty belly later.

Television application: Grills and Stroud ate just about anything they could manage to actually swallow.  From maggots to scorpions to skunk meat, if it is edible, it was eaten.

Television backfire: The bugs drizzle all over their chins. The meat is rancid.


Real world application: Is your wife's lasagna not up to par?  It's better to shut up and eat it than leave it on your plate or say something and never eat a home cooked meal again.

Real world backfire: Death by hot lasagna.

3. Always sleep somewhere dry, warm and away from bugs.   

Television application: The survival boys would make a shelter in a tree, under a rock or in a snow cave to stay away from the elements.

Television backfire:  The bugs still make their way into the tree, the rock drips water and the cave has an angry bear living in it.

Real world application: Always wait until they have changed the sheets at The Anniversary Inn before checking in.  

Real world backfire: Without my knowledge, my four year old son took a nap in MY bed during the day AFTER playing in the sandbox and now I am paying the price.

4. Nudity is sometimes required for survival. 

Television application: When Grills would cross a river, he would strip naked to keep his clothes warm and dry. (Ironically, this would also increase ratings, ensuring the survival of the show.)

Television backfire: The clothes still get wet.

Real world application: Sitting naked while waiting for your underwear to dry is okay as long as you are down to your last pair and as long as you dry your underwear in a drier. 

Real life backfire: My wife tells me there is clean underwear in my dresser and to "put some clothes on! You look like a grizzly bear going through chemo."

5. Use any means available to start a fire.

Television application: Survivalists used batteries, flint, wood, lenses and matches to start fires.

Television backfire: Rain soaked logs and insufficient fuel made it often impossible to start a fire.

Real world application: If the automatic lighter on your barbecue won't work, light a match, throw it  and run.

My real world backfire: Three or four times I have stunk up our house with the luscious odor of burnt arm hair. 

Incidentally, "burnt arm hair" is my special fragrance of Cheeseboy cologne.  Available at stores everywhere soon!

57 comments:

woman:confused said...

I've been to 3 bbqs this summer. At all 3, at LEAST one person burned their arm hair. Such a sweet sweet smell. I think it now has the pavlov effect on me because every time I smell it, my mouth starts to water for steak.
Oh, and Bear Grylls is a wuss, what with his camera crew and all.

Sam Liu said...

Great post, as ever, Cheeseboy, your take on things is hilarious. I have tried to watch this survival programmes in the past - but they really are the most vile things! The things they eat...I can't bear to watch. I guess I'm just an overly-urbanised and squeamish fool :D

dbs said...

Television application: Now Joy Behar can just burn her arm hair off instead of all that high-maintenance waxing.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Thanks! I was giggling in bed and distrupted the boys as I read this!!

Nicole said...

Bwahahahahahaha. *breathe* hahahahaha.

You are KILLING me. (Oh yeah.. got a HUGE crush on the Bear.)

Bossy Betty said...

Ah! Burnt arm hair scent turns me on!

Kristina P. said...

I also need to mention that Bear believes Pee is the solution to everything. I'm pretty sure that it could have stopped the oil leak, and could contribute to peace in Israel.

MBGITWWR said...

I thought this survival post to be quite intriguing and enjoyed it thoroughly. I even took notes! Thanks!

DeNae said...

I especially like it when Bear has to drink his own urine. Honestly, doesn't it ever just get to the point where you just say, "Uncle! You win, Universe!"

And I would like to think it's some time before the 'sleeping in a dead camel / eating your left foot / starting a fire by being struck by lightning' stage.

Connie said...

So that's why we have survival TV! You apply it to everyday living quite well. Love the zebra meal.

Rachel said...

You realize that I only know about the extreme episodes you mention because once Mr. Daddy gets it stuck on that channel, it's like watching a trainwreck. You just know you're gonna see guts, bugs, pee, or abs at least once between commercial breaks.

Thanks for making it funny!

W.C.Camp said...

You are going to WISH your hair was on fire when you start waxing that mane off your arm soon. I do not envy you in the least. Good post! W.C.C.

Sherilin Riley said...

have you seen "man, woman, wild" yet? pretty funny to see the dude hold down the possum while he makes his wife stab it in the head.

T said...

man, I'm missing out on so much culture... apparently I need to spend more time glued to the television so that I can enjoy people drinking urine, eating feces berries, and swimming naked.

Mikki said...

A grizzly bear going through chemo!!! Now that is picturesque!

I've got to say, after watching a few snippets of Man vs. wild, that there are some things I'd rather die than have to endure.

Melinda said...

I love Bear Grylls, especially when he says "vitamin c"! Wait for it next time, its awesome. I also enjoy when its super hot out and he pees on his shirt and wraps it around his head, mmmmmm smells good I'm sure.

Teachinfourth said...

So much good advice. Now, just which should I apply into my life tomorrow?

Decisions, decisions…

mintifresh said...

3 was my absolute fav!

mintifresh said...

3 was my absolute fav!

Marnie said...

I love those shows! they are so gross you have to watch!!

I'm personally happy just watching it from the comfort of my home though.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Oh no, I hope your burnt arm hair incidents did not occur during your no-deodarant-days. Your wife and kids look too nice for that.
xoRobyn

ScoMan said...

I'm going to tell your wife what you said about her lasagna.

I hope you have that pointy stick ready to defend yourself.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I'm am sitting here trying to catch some bugs with a sharp stick while I roast my undies over a fire.

blueviolet said...

Bear Grylls drinks things that frighten me! Do you?

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

And as you are almost to 400 followers, shaved burnt arm hair is almost a reality!

Mamma has spoken said...

AWWW, I wanted to know how drinking your own urine has helped you :o(
Though there is a new survival show on, a husband and wife team. He's the rugged outdoorman, she is the primadona. I haven't watch it but love the commericals, especially when she says with her British accent,
"I have wee on my chin,"

baygirl32 said...

so have you patented the "burnt arm hair" cologne yet? could be quite lucrative

Jenn said...

I'm a fire spinner and burned arm hair mixed with lamp oil is the best smell ever :) Thanks for the survival tips! I've watched many an episode of Survivorman but learned more here from you today!! lol

Vanessa said...

I say keep the sharp sticks on hand in your classroom. When they act up, use one.

Hart Johnson said...

Fabulous list! You know, in the second season of survival sitting around naked got the guy who came in 3rd as far as he got. The only person who refused to play the 'plotting battle' thought the naked guy was just a funny concept, so kept refusing to vote him out.

Just saying... Nudity has even more applications that you might think.

Lolidots said...

This is awesome. And so very helpful in case I'm every out of cell phone range and need to survive. ;-)

"grizzly bear going through chemo" -- best line I've read today

StephenC said...

Great, great, great!

Aunt of 14 said...

Eating already digested berries you dig out of bear poop = GROSS!!!! What made me laugh the most was your wife saying you looked like a grizzly bear going through chemo!

Martha H. said...

I just refuse to camp, that way I won't ever need any of these "skills".

Silver Strands said...

Your real world applications are hilarious! Well done.
oxoxo
Denalee

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

The View comparison had cracked me up. The nudy survival tip is priceless!!!

Writing Without Periods! said...

Burned arm hair. Men are so lucky.
However, I have set my head hair on fire a few times...it had something to do with BBQ ribs and my husband not using a napkin.
Mary

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

"The view" LOL, classic.

And seriously, I think those guys fell on their heads as babies one too many times.

Eeww!

Just sayin'.

M-Cat said...

"You look like a grizzly bear going through chemo."
Out loud laughing!

And I KNEW there was more to the View than just a bunch of crabby women talking trash

Glamazon said...

Aaaah. Bear Grylls bare bum. Yes, I have also seen Man vs. Wild, and no wonder the ratings went up-those episodes are my fave :)

What the what? First Toby Keith, now The View? Sheesh, our virtual friendship is about to go up in virtual smoke :)

Debbie said...

I am a big fan of Bear. But you haven taken his tips and just made them so applicable to life. Thank you for that.

Lindsay Blogs said...

I almost died just now from laughing frosted mini wheats out of my nose. I heart you Cheeseboy.

Kelley said...

Haha!! I loved all of this one. Your posts are always worth my time! I actually make a delicious reindeer eyeball lasagna. Mmmm!! On another note, you were probably kidding about putting my carpool tips in the PTA newsletter but, if you were, I can tweak it & send it in a Word document via e-mail. Lemme know!

The Invisible Seductress said...

Great now I am craving rancid Zebra for dinner....

Kelly H-Y said...

I can't even write a comment ... I'm too busy laughing! Hilarious post!

Heff said...

Bear can KEEP surviving on Zebra shit soup for all I care. I'm goin' to have a cold beer by my brick fire pit, and laugh about it.

MiMi said...

I'm sorry I can't read it all the way through...I'm still laughing at Joy Behar's brunch. HAHAHAHAA!!!

The Church Lady said...

I wonder if burnt arm hair is worse than a burnt fingernail. I have often burnt my nails while trying to light the candles in my home and the fragrant candles do NOT cancel out the stink!

Great post!

Marlene said...

"A grizzly bear going through chemo"....bwaaahaahaahaahaaa!!!

Emmy said...

At least you are doing your own laundry. Sure it was out of desperation, but it's a start

Baby Sister said...

No more snow caves for me I guess...

Lourie said...

Burnt arm hair! Hahahaha.

Copyboy said...

Now why would you give lego a multimillion $ idea like that for free?

Pat said...

I've seen the hair on your arm. You should gel it back before you light the bbq for safety reasons.

Farmers Wifey said...

I had a great, witty response to this post but I forgot it when I saw that pic of Taylor Lautner...

mama-face said...

ugh. do you think that possible Anniversary Inn might NOT change the sheets? gross.....

you know, I can ALWAYS tell if my husband is lying about how 'good' the lasagna (or whatever) is-so he's familiar with death by lasagna. yeah. you wanted to know that bit of info.

tiburon said...

This might be my favorite post of all time because it combines two of my favorite things.

Television and survival.