Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My theory: Women LOVE Target.

I ran register 6 once.
When it comes to the topic of Target, I like to think that am a bit of an expert.

I spent six months in the hole.  Six months hard labor in the rat infested factory/back-stock room will teach a man a thing or two.  For instance: how to correctly shelve personal lubricants or the fastest way to hang a line of C-cupped bras without looking too much like a pervert. (A task that proved impossible for a man with soft, sensual hands and a knack for handling the delicates, such as I.)

Ah yes, working the Target front lines will put hair on a man's chest. Long, twirly hairs with red ribbons attached to the ends. In my case, I already had plenty hair on my chest, but it did put hair in other bodily crannies, including long two-inchers between my toes.  In fact, I believe it was the Black Friday of '97 that I discovered my first official knuckle hair - a phenomenon that I attributed to hours of stocking leaky bottles of Rogaine (with Minoxidil).

For those out of the pearly white, linoleum loop that goes around the bathing suits -  there are regular Targets and then there are SUPER DUPER Targets.  My inclination at the time was to only work for the best and reach for the stars.  In the interview, I told the Target boss lady that if I were to be hired by a regular Target, I'd become depressed in disengaged; both Target and my psyche would suffer.  She hired me on the spot and thankfully, it was for the Super mode.  It's where I belonged.

While working at Target, I developed a new, shockingly groundbreaking theory. A theory that would shake you to your very retail-lovin', paper-or-plasticky core.  A theory so stupefying, so dumbfounding, so mind blowingly fantastic, a movie is being made about it staring Samuel L. Jackson and Wilford Brimly (He plays the craggy old Pharmacist). 

The theory of which I speak is thus: Women... they LOVE Target.

I knew it would blow your mind.

The list of reasons why women love Target is almost assuredly longer than Schindler's but likely not as long as Santa's.  I will not bore you with every tedious reason why women love Target, but I will provide the most paramount and enthralling.

1. Women love Target because it is not Walmart.  I cannot underscore this reason enough; this should be reason #1 and #1a. Women loathe being seen at Walmart and brag about going to Target.  There is not peopleoftarget.com; no one scoffs when you tell them you went to Target today and you are not deemed an eternal redneck of love.   

I once met a woman that despised Walmart like I despise Toby Keith. She told me that she hated the place because, "I hate big box stores and everything they stand for!" 

I replied, "Well, what about Target?" 

Her response was quick and telling, "Yeah, Target's okay." 

Reasonable.

2. Everything in Target is so shiny, clean and clever.  This is the brilliance of the place: it is almost the anti-Walmart. Target is what Walmart would dress up like if it wanted to be popular and hang out with prissy anorexic models and their yappy dogs in a abhorrently pastel, 60's themed bowling alley.

I was once in a team leader's meeting (Although I was not a leader, I was a pee-on. I have no idea why I was there.) and the powers-that-be told us that keeping the isles clear and the piped-in music off was a corporate choice that signified a new, clutter-free choice for the consumer.  The overload of pastel pillows and bright lighting was a hip look that the other stores ("Other" meaning "Walmart") could not duplicate.

Translation: We don't want those rednecks, their belly-shirts, buttless jeans and cashless pockets muddling up our refined panache.  Unless, of course, they pay for the panache, but that's not likely. 

3. Women that shop at Target look like other women that shop at Target. They are generally attractive, or pretending to be attractive, busy looking and wearing pleated pants or classy mom shorts.  They are almost always holding a cell phone and acting busier than they really are.  Actually, come to think of it,  these women usually look exactly like this:

Secretly wishing the prices were like Walmart's.

Of course, while Target is superior to Walmart (at least in the eyes of it's stylish Soccer-Mom fans), there is, on occasion, a homely, hair-feathered Walmarter that sneaks through the prosaic sliding doors.  I had the misfortune of helping such a lovely, not young, BeDazzled yokel my first week on the job.  Our conversation went a little something like this:

Red Vested Abe:  Can I help you?

A cape for clothing lady: Yeah.  You can.  I am looking for the tin foil area.

Abe: It's on row 9.

The best representation of what this woman looked like.
The Walmart Princess of Hope: Thank you, son.  How many boxes do you have? 

Abe: I don't know. Shall we go see?

The Un-muscley Slobberface: Gonna need a lot.  Need those and those zipper freezer bags.  We have A LOT of uncooked meat coming our way.

Abe: Of course you do.  Of course you do.

73 comments:

W.C.Camp said...

I've got a lot of uncooked 'roadkill' coming my way -- Ha funny observation. I really DO like Target as the anti-WalMart and anti-KMart. Target is more expensive but you can't beat their popcorn and why else would you go to any department store if it were not for tin foil, freezer bags, and popcorn right? W.C.C.

MX3 said...

Ah, Target. Amazing place, how sweet the sound, their clothes look great on me...

Corrina Terry said...

I wish there was a Target near me!!! Alas, I am forced to shop at Walmart with the weirdos. :o)

Also---why do you hate my boy Toby Keith? Have you seen his new video about the trailer park? It's hilarious!!!!

Amy said...

I like MX3's comment. Oh, so true.

I heart that red store!

Cherie said...

Women DO love Target and I am one of them - that is all!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Yes, I LOVE TARGET. LOVE IT. For all the reasons you said and more

mintifresh said...

I have been to Target and Walmart numerous times and I have to say I do like Target better. Maybe it's because they don't have women with a mustache and a beard at the check out stand. True Story. And she's even married!! To a man!

The Invisible Seductress said...

busted......

Gigi said...

OMG. You have nailed it. Target, that it's not Walmart, and what us Target moms look like.

Now, I've had to turn most of my shopping dollar to Walmart in the last 2 years due to budget. I was literally bleeding away money at Target. There's just not that much stuff I love at Walmart; ergo, I spend less.

Now, when I go to Target, I think it's such a treat.

Rachel said...

Oh my Lord! I would say you crawled into my mind and described my whole Target attraction... but then you stepped right out of my brain when you dissed my Toby.

You are not gonna believe this (especially from a profoundly deaf chick), but we have Toby Keith blaring right now. By special request of Itty Bit. No lie.

So now you need a whole post about why Toby ain't your man... ;)

Mamma has spoken said...

I hate Walmart, but dislike Target. Needless to say, I try not to shop at either one.

MiMi said...

You know, this is almost a reason for me to boycot that store.
I mean, people who think they're too good for Walmart so they go to Target kinda make me mad.
Nice thing to get all worked up about, eh?
Hey. Now I'm Canadian too. Weird.

Saimi said...

And did you know Target has a killer fruit smoothie! Oh yeah, I actually had two in the same day. It was so hot out I had to go back!

Target's where it's at baby!!

Ash said...

wish we had a target in hong kong! i shopped in there when i went to usa for holidays but didn't like the check-out ladies too much....

Chaka said...

I just happened to be at Target last night and would have to agree with your insensitive, yet totally accurate conclusions. I get hives and anxiety attacks when I'm at Walmart. Bad customer service, messy, busy parking lot, etc. but I still find myself going back since the prices are so cheap. Walmart is to Target, what Taco Bell is to Cafe Rio.

-stephanie- said...

I don't love, love it. Maybe because it's a regular Target and not a super duper one. I love the shiny, clean and clever though.
Was it really rat infested?

Tammy said...

I'm a woman and I LOVE target!

The Bipolar Diva said...

I love Target! Walmart, uh, not!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

My redneck side likes Wal Mart

My uppity white girl side likes Target.

....... damn this mpd........

Teachinfourth said...

Target just seems like a much classier store. Even the name seems to scream that you're doing the right thing and that you are, "right on target."

I think working there may have given you manners as well, Abe.

Lori said...

You forgot to mention the catchy, fun Target ads that run on TV. Now there's a reason to shop at Target. Much better than the smiley face "rollback" guy in the WalMart ads.

One other catch...Oprah coined the name "Targe" (don't know how else to spell that so you'll read it right). Much cooler to shop at "Targe" than at WalMart.

Kristina P. said...

It's so true. I go there probably 3 times a week, and twirl around in my dress, like Maria Von Trapp.

I also stick anti-Walmart stickers on stuff.

Do you know if Target supports child labor? Because if not, I guess I need to start shopping at The Dollar Store.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

"Of course you do. Of course you do." You are so funny and so smart, Cheeseboy!
xoRobyn

Baby Sister said...

WalMart princess of hope...that's awesome.
I do like Target better though...it's true!

Kelley said...

This was hilarious!! You are right about people bragging about going to Target. Ha! I have several shirts from there and when I say I got it there (which I am never ashamed to admit b/c it is Target), people are never surprised. Also, you have so motivated me to put my Disney pictures on my "Kelley's Breakroom" Facebook page. There are only a few and they are either of ridiculous shoes or LARGE FEATHERS! Ha! I loved that part in your post, too. Some people ain't livin' in da present, youknowwhati'msayin?

Jillybean said...

Who is Toby Keith?

Sandra said...

Just wondering how long you have to troll the world wide web to find a classic reproduction of a Walmart shopper? haha
I'm Canadian, but the second I cross the border, I'm like, "Where's the Target? Where's the Target?"

Meathead said...

Well shit. That explains the knuckle hair that I found on MY knuckles... I shop too much at Target!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

"A cape for clothing lady" - we have those!
I think you described Target loving people to a T.

jayayceeblog said...

You are the most enlightened man who really seems to understand us broads. Now get out of the way, I'm off to Target!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I think I saw Jesus at Target once. It was hard to tell cuz him and the store were so shiny.

Pearl said...

As a citizen of Minneapolis, I am required by law to like Target. Which I do, if anyone asks.

Pearl

Connie said...

I'm glad I didn't work at Target! I don't need any more hair on my chest!;-)
Love that last picture!

The Church Lady said...

Yep, us women DO favor the big red box store, which I lovingly refer to as, "Tar-'jae". It sounds a bit more sophisticated. Would you believe I have to travel 30 minutes to get to the closest Tar-'jae? So for now, I'm a Walmart girl all the way!

Joann Mannix said...

Those women who pretend to be attractive are super annoying.

I spend approximately 293,789 thousand dollars, approximately, on every one of my trips to Target. I can't help myself. Everything is shiny and pretty and most Targets have the purses, right there, right in front of your eyes when you walk in the door. And so you cannot help but ooh and ahhh and grab a couple because they're such a bargain and it just fills you with such utter bliss and that bliss stays with you as you navigate each and every aisle, except for the pet food aisle. But, that bliss never leaves you until you get rung up and realize you could have bought a house instead. But then, the bliss comes back when you get home and unpack all your shiny, pretty things. And you don't care about the money. You just care about the stuff.

Target is a magical place.

Martha H. said...

I hate Walmart, but of course I love Target.

T said...

I DO love Target.

You (being a guy) missed out on reason #2c why women love Target! Their clothing is sized wrong - only at Target can I still pick up a size 2 and have it zip up without laying down on the floor of the dressing room and exhaling dramatically.

I also love it because it's not KMart...

Hart Johnson said...

I LOVE Target! I think your theory is essentially accurate, though my REAL issue with Walmart is locating itself in small towns and driving every other establishment in town out of business. It's just not fair play. Target, on the other hand, chooses the cheap end of a metropolitan area, where it is fair game and there are plenty of people who NEED 'cheaper than the mall'

FluffyChicky said...

"Hair in other bodily crannies, including long two inchers between my toes." This happens to me every time I go into Target! But no worries. I just go sit down in the tweezer aisle, pluck them all, and then continue on my merry way.

When I go to Walmart, I sprout a brilliant handlebar mustache. The other ladies get totally jealous because they just have those icky, icky p0rn star mustaches.

Marlene said...

OMG...I nearly choked on my own spit!!!!! This is FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!!

You're so right....I wouldn't be caught dead in a Wally World (ok, maybe once a year)......but I frequent my local Target!

MBGITWWR said...

I would call myself an in-betweener. I love both stores. I do love the "classy" way that Target presents itself and I especially love the great low prices of Wally World. I simply shop at both. Hopefully, I'm not seen as some box store hussy. Should I be concerned?

Pedaling said...

wait...you lost me at Toby Keith...
you despise Toby Keith?

elesa said...

Ok but, what if I WANT to be deemed an eternal redneck of love? It sounds pretty darn awesome. Buttless jeans, is that what it takes?

Emmy said...

Oh that picture, she just needs to be standing by walmart and it would be perfect.

And I must admit there is one reason I like Walmart more than Target... I spend a lot less money in Walmart as things just aren't as pretty and alluring :)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Back when I was single, I was devoted to Target. Then I married a Target hater. Okay, maybe hate is too strong.
Anyway, now I am a Walmart shopper because it is cheaper. Target is always an after thought.

Does this mean my life has gone down to the pits of dispair?

C'est La Vie said...

ohhh my gosh...this is so true...uh oh

Tortuga said...

I am a woman.

I like Wal-Mart.

I hate Target.

I think Targets smell funny.

The closest Target to my house is an hour away, but Wal-Mart is 5 minutes.

Mary said...

I have to admit that if there was a Target closer...I'd probably still go to Walmart. I'm just that cheap :o)

Melinda said...

You nailed it Cheeseboy. I think I'm still in shock that a man actually figured something out about women...

One Cluttered Brain said...

Yup! You guessed it! i do love Target! I would especially like it a lot more if i didn't have to drive 35 mins to get there...

*sigh*
Love the pics at the end..She is holding the cup in her cleavage? LOL.
Crazy!

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Target Team Member, who is responding?

Love this post and I love Target. Doing time in the hole, you've got the inside scoop and it shows in your post.

This is my favorite part..the women
acting busier than they really are. Really, it's so true, they acting so busy, yet are spending hours at Super Duper Target.

Great post!

Nancy C said...

You're right, of course. I feel superior when I shop at Target, especially when I am squealing like a pig in the dollar aisle.

The Empress said...

oh em geee...that ending to this post... PRICELESS!!!have got to RT this...

RaShelle said...

Yes, Target is awesome! I shop there because they sell my fav kind of basil (yes, I have a certain type and only THEY carry it). Ah, Target, I do love it!!! =D

Yanet @ 3 Sun Kissed Boys said...

Their stockroom is rat infested?? Nooooo. It's just as shiny as the front, so shut it Cheeseboy and quit ruining things.

Also, you forgot to mention the Starbucks. The Targets in our neck of the woods has a classy, stylish, vente mocha latte selling cafe.

Btw, looks like you need to have a post about why women love Toby Keith and you don't. What about Kenney Chesney? Gotta love him. He's the Jimmy Buffet of country music.

Unknown Mami said...

I love Target, but we are breaking up. Until they stop donating money to anti-gay politicians I'm out of there.

It's not going well, I miss Target already.

Mighty M said...

Yep, you nailed it! :)

Gigi said...

This is too funny!! And, I have a confession to make. I, too, love Target and would much prefer to shop there rather than WalMart.

GrammyMouseTails said...

long gnarly hair between your toes & on your knuckles?? and you blame it on Target??? not sure if I am ready to accept that explanation, yet...
I do not "love" Target, as I do not "love" Wal-mart. some of the Target lost love may be due to that we do not have a Super Target, let alone a super -duper... I feel scorned! I do like to pronounce it Tar-jaƩ as well... does make a girl feel prettier spending her pennies at a french sounding big box store, ya know? Wally-world just can't compete with that... but it does have some cheaper prices... but since I do not go shopping that often ( shhh, they will take away my "woman-female type lady" card if they find out! it is the hubster that I have to keep the credit cards under lock & key from...
now back to that hairy hand problem....

Writing Without Periods! said...

I love Target, especially their workout clothes. Designer look without the price.
Mary

Bits-n-Pieces said...

Target is ok. But I'm a Walmart Gal. If Walmart aint' got it, ya don't need it. plus it's cheaper than at Target. I only go there for the $1 bin where I get lots of cool teaching/classroom stuff. That is all.

Jenn said...

LMAO!! Everything you say...TRUE! We go to Target to giggle at the soccer mom's though.. is that bad??

Kelly said...

oh MY that was some clever writing. Seriously funny. Thanks once again!

Geof said...

Haha well you must have touched on my feminine side because I tool love Target starting with the first fact of it not being Wal-Mart.

tiburon said...

Target really is the greatest place on earth.

And that is coming from a woman who's entire wardrobe is pleat-free.

Amy said...

Target is my Mecca. I drop the littlest at preschool and usually spend the whole 3 hours at Target. I walk every aisle, add everything I want to my cart, then talk myself out of a few items and (shamefully) leave them by the cleaning supplies. I know the workers of Target probably hate me because of the missing inventory that they discover the next day hidden behind blocks of toilet paper.

Scott always asks why I frequent Target so much. He looks at the credit card statement and doesn't believe me when I say it's only groceries. I tried to forewarn him before we got married when I told him my favorite color was RED!

lindsey v said...

So what made you decide to work at Target instead of Walmart?

Do you think you're better than Walmart workers?! Huh?!

Just kidding. I worked at Walmart for a few years right out of high school. (There wasn't a Target in Utah at the time or I probably would have worked there, hehe.) The Sandy store was the first in the south SL valley at the time. Now they're everywhere. And you're right, there are some scary Walmart shoppers out there. Along with some scary Walmart workers (I wasn't of course).

I've always wondered why Walmart can't sell as cute of clothes and shoes as Target. It seems like they would be able to. I guess the extra few cents in cost make a big difference. So... I love Target too.

M-Cat said...

I freakin love Target. I make a point to walk around while talking on my phone and acting very important.

I loved it even more when my son worked there and we used his discount.

mama-face said...

When you're right you're right. And you're spot on right on this one. (One tiny correction: pleated pants are definitely out-cool mom shorts are still in though. You're welcome).

Shelly Belly's Boutique said...

what a couple of hot pices in that last pic... I hate Target. They are ridiculously overpriced compared to other stores. What's with toby kieth? I hate Rex Ryan, but can't give a reason why..just hate looking at him on tv..

Marla said...

I believe that picture of my two sisters was used without permission.

Mikki said...

I can't deny it. I do love Target and for all those reasons you listed. I love that they don't pipe in the music. After working at Kmart for close to thriteen years, it's something I can really appreciate! There is also much to be said for the clutter free look. It's something I have yet to achieve at home.

Lene said...

I love my Target. I also love that it is about 1 minute from my house.

And it is really shiny. So shiny in fact that I couldn't take my youngest there when he was a baby. He is autistic and something about all the shiny lights would send him into a headbanging-scream-athon. It's taken years to desensitize him to the shiny and now we can go there without any headbanging. True story.