Monday, February 8, 2010
A script of Calder's wedding night if nothing changes before that time
Calder: Hey baby, you are looking good tonight. Like a leopard.. except you are woman. What am I saying? I am no good at this.
Betty: Are you ready for bed? I think "I will go change into something a little more comfortable".
(I added this part because that is what they say in the movies. I don't think anyone really talks like this... although they might in the year 2025, and that is what I am banking on for this script)
Calder: Alright baby. And I just have to go to the car.
Betty: Ohh, the car. Saucy! Wait. The Car? What for?
Calder: Oh nothing important. It's just...
Betty: It's just what? It's cold outside and we have everything we need right at the Anniversary Inn baby cakes. In fact, they have us in the 2000's room. Just look at the gorgeous iCarly themed bathing area and the bed hanging from the sultry Ghost Whisperer hooks. The Ryan Seacrest photo sheets are a little creepy, but we can get over that. Come on, just stay with me my sweet Calder-pie.
Calder: Yes, that Freddy Benson faucet is intriguing, but there is something I left in the car. Something I need. It's a little embarrassing.
Betty: Oh no.
Calder: Yeah, tonight really is going to go badly if I don't have it.
Betty: We have each other. What more do you need, besides that Wanda Sykes shaped clock hanging on the wall?
I am assuming that a year 2000 themed rumpus room at the Aniversary Inn would have to include SOMETHING having to do with Wanda Sykes. Perhaps not a wall clock, but at the very least a Wanda Sykes shaped coat rack.
Calder: You see honey... it's my WEE - WA.
Betty: Your what?
Calder: My WEE - WA. I can't fall asleep without it.
Betty: Then why do you need to go to the car?
Calder: No... my WEE - WA is my blanky. I can't go to sleep without it.
Betty: Oh sweet cheeks, I will keep you warm.
Calder: [Near tears] I just need my WEE - WA!
Betty: What is it about that thing that I can't give you?
Calder: It has these little stringy things that I pull on. That makes me really sleepy. Do you have little stringy things I can pull on?
Betty: No. Just go get your stupid WEE - WA. You know you have totally ruined the mood.
Calder: [Sniffling] WEE - WA!
Betty: Just go. I will stay here and watch the floating robots laser my toenails off with the lasers in their eyes.
In 2025, these robots will replace normal pedicures and the people that normally give pedicures will be hired to polish floating laser robots at the end of the day.
Calder: I hope you don't mind. It's just a little dirty and smells like a couple of 15-year-old armpits. My mom has cleans it for me, but me and WEE-WA, we have been through a lot.
Betty: Just don't put that thing on me.
Calder: Okay, but before I fall asleep, you have to lay it out in a perfect square on my chest... no wrinkles or creases!
Betty: And what if I don't?
Calder: I can't stop crying until you do. Just promise me you will do it. Just lay the WEE - WA in a perfect square on my chest with no creases and no wrinkles. Will you promise to do this?
Betty: You are so weird.
Calder: You are just realizing that now?
One last thing. Before I fall asleep, you will have to get me a drink of water. 15 minutes later, I will probably ask you for another drink of water. You have to promise to get mad and yell at me. Really - let me have it. I can not go to sleep if this routine is not fulfilled. So, just to refresh: WEE - WA, perfect square... no wrinkles or creases. Drink of water. 15 minutes later - another drink of water. YELL at me. Tell me to go to sleep. Really, let me have it. Got it?
Betty: Did you still want me to change into something more comfortable?
Calder: You mean like a WEE-WA?
Betty: Forget it. I think I will just sleep with Ryan Seacrest tonight. He was so short back then. Good thing he got those leg extensions in '17!