Monday, February 22, 2010
Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations: Volume 1 - The broken bathroom stall.
One stall. Lock not working. No time to wait for another.
We've all been there. Or here...
It's a busy restroom and you enter stall as everything is normal only to find that the lock is malfunctioning.
Okay, actually that is pretty much the same thing.
What to do? A #2 conundrum to be sure. Allow me to lift and inspire as I hold your hand through this tryingly embarrassing social situation. (Not literally, as you will likely need two hands to complete this task)
1. The "Straight Leg" - This requires a long, limber leg and one may have to stretch before attempting. During the straight leg, one sits on the pot and extends one leg straight forward and holds the door shut using the foot portion of the leg. It is a bit uncomfortable and you may experience pins and needles, but it is highly effective.
NOTE: This method will not work for children, midgets and especially midget children.
2. The "McGyver" - This method requires some advanced planning and a some rough materials. I carry a pack of dental floss and some small tools in my back pocket for just such an occasion. Simply wrap a strand of dental floss around the nonworking latch and it should hold for at least 15 minutes. NOTE: Method will not work with waxed dental floss.
3. The "Ready, Aim, Fire" - Great for men and boys, but not ideal for women; this tactic involves standing with your back rested against the broken stall door to keep it shut. It takes great aim and a steady stream, but it is definitely doable. Of course this method can only be used for going #1 and not #2. In all reality, you probably are using a stall because you have to go #2 and not #1. I suppose that you could use this method for #2, but the door would have to be very, very close to the toilet.
NOTE: Method not recommended for places in which you are friends with the custodian or in carpeted bathrooms.
4. The "Reverse Guardian" - I have used this method at a Jazz game and it has been a trustworthy stalwart through thick and thin. In order for one to pull off this maneuver, you must have a son worthy of serving as a "guard" outside the stall. The guard holds the door shut and protects your dignity while you do your business. The guard is allowed to use any means necessary to protect said dignity.
NOTE: Leaving your 7 year old son outside the stall in a busy public restroom is probably not the best idea. I'd save this one as a last resort.
I firmly believe that through these four methods, you will never again have to experience the embarrassment of an open stall door.
Look forward to future installments of: Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations.