Sunday, February 14, 2010

My Schwarmy Valentine

In all reality, I should probably be playing World of Warcraft in my parent's basement while drinking 64 ounces of Mt. Dew Code Red in my Spiderman boxer shorts.

During our 16 years together, my beloved wife has had ample reason to turn and run away from me, screaming like that hardcore chick in Zombieland. But for whatever reason, she sticks by me through thick and thin (but no zombies yet). Don't think I'm not grateful, but I do have to wonder how a super hot, intelligent, suave lady like Cathi sticks around with a goober-shmo like me for 16 years? Let's take a look at some of the evidence:

  • On our first date (I was 18, she 17), I did not walk her to the door, instead making up some total bull about having to go to the bathroom really bad. She still went out with me again. I barely made it to the bathroom.
  • During our initial courtship, she was told about my countless oddities - including my propensity to eat bugs for laughs, my ability to have the least spiritual but most funny talks in sacrament meeting and my nonsensical, attention getting songs. She still went out with me again.
  • During our second date, I kissed her in front of her brother while he slept on the couch. She still went out with me again.
  • After 6 months of dating, I informed her that I would be gone for two long years. 2 years passed and she still went out with me again.
  • She has seen me dance countless times... and when I say dance, I mean I really, really dance. Those of you that have seen me dance know what I mean. She still goes out with me.
  • Besides dancing, she has watched me make a complete jackass of myself on several stages, including a cruise ship karaoke concert. For whatever reason, she still loves me.
  • I once took some scouts on a trip and when we returned they informed her that I had caught a fish and bitten the head off as I pulled it out of the water. She still kissed me that very night?! Honestly, I wouldn't have even kissed myself after hearing about that.
  • I decided that we would be forever poor, but do something I loved and was good at and become a teacher. Money meant nothing to her...
  • I am absolutely nothing like her... in fact we are polar opposites in most ways, but I think she appreciates and values our differences - as I do. However, as we have grown older, I think we are becoming more alike.
  • When I am not talking about sports, I often try to discuss indie music, the plot (or lack thereof) of LOST, why Lord of the Rings was the greatest trilogy ever made, why Glen Beck is a total moron and other nerdy items she has zero interest in... and she always has the heart to pretend to care about all of it.
  • I rarely empty the dishwasher, allow her to hold the remote control, drive when we are both in the car and I am not the least bit handy around the house.
I know what you are thinking: What kind of superhero woman has the gumption to stick with a loser like this? I wonder the same thing every night. Or maybe you are thinking: Maybe she loves you because of these qualities and not in spite of them? Did you even READ the above list?!

I'm really not sure what she sees in me, but I am sure glad she sees something. As far as I am concerned, I could not have scored a more perfect lifelong Valentine. If I were to design the perfect women for me out of scrap metal and some plastic tubing, it would come out looking like a crappy piece of garbage.

However, if I were to have - say a sculpture - sculpt the perfect women for me, it would be a carbon copy of Cathi. And if I were to have the same sculpture sculpt her personality, he would probably look at me like I was crazy and then give me the number to a personality sculpture guy. And that number would probably be a made up one because there is no such thing, and the first sculpture guy just wanted me to take his Cathi sculpture and get out of his penthouse studio.

What was I talking about again? Oh yes...

Gift complete. - phew -

Back to my Code Red and World of Warcraft. But thank goodness I don't live in my parent's basement apartment.


The Galan Family said...

What a sweet little tribute to your wife. You are a very funny writer Abe, but you are right, Cathi is quite a catch. By the way, it's me Sarah Claflin from good ol' Edgehill ward. Say hi to Cath for me!

The Dunham Family said...

That was cute, sweet and funny. You guys seem perfect for each other!

Heather and Jake said...

That was a good one, Abe! You guys really are perfect for each other, and I've enjoyed watching you two together since I've known you. I know it sounds cheeey, but you guys really have been a good "model" marriage, and always stick by each other. On a separate note, the image of biting a fish head off makes me gag.

Ashlee said...

Cute and funny. I love it. You haven't seriously been married 16 years though... how long has it been for REAL?

Cheeseboy said...

Thanks everyone! Nice to see you here Sarah and Sarah! Come back anytime.

Ashlee - we started dating 16 years ago. We have been married for 12 years.

Lori said...

Yes, you scored in the wife department. I'd have to say Cathi is probably the most easy going, laid back, happy person I know. No offense, Tam. You know I love you too! But, really...does Cath EVER have a bad day or lose her temper? Maybe you better not answer that. I wouldn't want to ruin the beautiful valentine mood that's going on in this post.

By the way, I'm sure my Dad could make some sort of sculpture of the two of you. All you'd have to do is ask! You could stand it up right in the front yard by your front door. It'd look great! :)

Sco said...

Fishhead sushi - sounds like Bear Grylls. What woman wouldn't want to have a little Bear around?

Tammy said...

No offense taken Lor :)

This was a very nice post and I can't believe I've known you for 16 years! You two are perfect for each other!