Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Woodpecker's Cry for Help

We have a new woodpecker in our backyard.  I think it's trying to tell me something via morse code.  I have begun decoding its messages, finally putting my Navy Seal morse code training into action.

5/31/11  7:25 AM - 
.... . .-.. .-.. --- .-.-.-   ..   .- --   -... . .. -. --.   .... . .-.. -..   .- --. .- .. -. ... -   -- -.--   .-- .. .-.. .-..   -... -.--   .- -.   . ...- .. .-..   -.. .. -.-. - .- - --- .-. .-.-.-   .... .. ...   -. .- -- .   .. ...   .-- --- --- -.. -.-- .-.-.-   -. --- -   - .... .   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   -.-- --- ..-   .- .-. .   - .... .. -. -.- .. -. --.   --- ..-. .-.-.-   .-   -.. .. ..-. ..-. . .-. . -. -   .-- --- --- -.. -.-- .-.-.-   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   .... .- .-. .-. . .-.. ... --- -. .-.-.-   .... .   .-- .- ...   .- -.   .- -.-. - --- .-. .-.-.-   -. --- .--   .... .   .. ...   .-   .-- --- --- -.. .--. . -.-. -.- . .-.   -.. .. -.-. - .- - --- .-. .-.-.-   .--. .-.. . .- ... .   .... . .-.. .--.   -- . .-.-.-
Translation:
Hello. I am being held against my will by an evil dictator. His name is Woody. Not the Woody you are thinking of. A different Woody! Woody Harrelson. He was an actor. You may know him from his work on Cheers and a bunch of movies involving drugs. Now he is a Woodpecker dictator! This is his new thing - holding woodpeckers against their will and making them peck pointlessly at poles.  Please help me!

5/31/11 3:30 PM -
.... . -.--   -.-- --- ..- .-.-.-   -.-- --- ..- .-.   -. .- -- .   .. ...   .- -... . --..--   .-. .. --. .... - ..--..   .. - .----. ...   -- . --..--   - .... .   .-- --- --- -.. .--. . -.-. -.- . .-. .-.-.-   -.-- --- ..-   -.. .. -.. -. .----. -   .... . .-.. .--.   -- .   .-.. .- ... -   - .. -- . --..--   .-. . -- . -- -... . .-. ..--..   ..   -.- -. --- .--   .-- .... .- -   -.-- --- ..- .----. .-. .   - .... .. -. -.- .. -. --. --..--   .-- --- --- -.. .--. . -.-. -.- . .-. ...   -.-. .- -. .----. -   - .- .-.. -.- .-.-.-   - .... .. ...   .. ...   -.-. .-. .- --.. -.-- --..--   .-. .. --. .... - ..--..   .. .----. .-.. .-..   - . .-.. .-..   -.-- --- ..-   .-- .... .- - .----. ...   -.-. .-. .- --.. -.-- ---...   .--. . -.-. -.- .. -. --.   .- -   - .... .. ...   ... - ..- .--. .. -..   .--. --- .-.. .   ..-. --- .-.   .... --- ..- .-. ... .-.-.-   .. - .----. ...   .--. --- .. -. - .-.. . ... ... .-.-.-   -... ..- -   .. - .----. ...   .-- .... .- -   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   .-- .- -. - ... .-.-.-   .- -. -..   .-- .... .- -   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   .-- .- -. - ... --..--   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   --. . - ... .-.-.-   .--. .-.. . .- ... . .-.-.-   .... . .-.. .--.   -- .
Translation:
Hey you. Your name is Abe, right? It's me, the Woodpecker. You didn't help me last time, remember? I know what you're thinking, Woodpeckers can't talk. This is crazy, right? Right?! I'll tell you what's crazy: Pecking at this stupid pole for hours! It's pointless. But it's what Woody wants. And what Woody wants, Woody gets, especially when it comes to possessing woodpecker slaves. Please. I require your prompt assistance.

5/31/11 4:45 PM - 
.- -... .   -.-- . .- .... --..--   -.-- --- ..-   ..   -.- -. --- .--   -.-- --- ..-   -.-. .- -.   .... . .- .-.   -- . .-.-.-   -.. ---   -.-- --- ..-   .-. . .- .-.. .. --.. .   - .... .- -   -... -.--   .. --. -. --- .-. .. -. --.   -- . --..--   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   .... .- .-. .-. . .-.. ... --- -.   .-- .. -. ... ..--..     -. --- -   -.-. --- --- .-..   -- .- -. .-.-.-     -. --- -   -.-. --- --- .-.. .-.-.-
Translation:
Abe! Yeah, you! I know you can hear me. Do you realize that by ignoring me, Woody Harrelson wins?  Not cool man.  Not cool.

5/31/11 6:49 PM - 
..   ... . .   -.-- --- ..-   -.. --- .-- -.   - .... . .-. .   .-- .-. .. - .. -. --.   . ...- . .-. -.-- - .... .. -. --.   ..   ... .- -.--   .. -.   -.-- --- ..- .-.   -. --- - . -... --- --- -.- .-.-.-   .- .-.. .-..   ..   .- --   .- ... -.- .. -. --.   .. ...   - ---   -.-. .- .-.. .-..   .-   -... .. .-. -..   .-. . ... -.-. ..- .   .- --. . -. -.-. -.-- .-.-.-   --- .-.   - . -..   -.. .- -. ... --- -. .-.-.-   . .. - .... . .-.   --- -. .   .-- .. .-.. .-..   -... .   .- -... .-.. .   - ---   .--. ..- -   .- -.   . -. -..   - ---   - .... .. ...   -- .- -.. -. . ... ... .-.-.-   .. .----. ...- .   -... . . -.   .--. . -.-. -.- .. -. --.   - .... .. ...   .--. --- ... -   ..-. --- .-.   .---- ....-   ... - .-. .- .. --. .... -   .... --- ..- .-. ...   -. --- .-- .-.-.-   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   .-- --- ..- .-.. -..   -.- .. .-.. .-..   -- .   .. ..-.   .... .   -.- -. . .--   ..   .-- .- ...   - .- .-.. -.- .. -. --.   - ---   -.-- --- ..- .-.-.-   .--. .-.. . .- ... .   .... . .-.. .--. .-.-.-
Translation:
I see you down there writing everything I say in your notebook. Look, all I am asking is to call a bird rescue agency. Or Ted Danson. Either one will be able to put an end to this madness! I've been pecking this post for 14 straight hours now. Woody would kill me if he knew I was talking to you. I've got a blister on my lip and I am pretty sure it's not my bird herpes this time. This is painful. Please, I am begging you!

6/1/11 6:45 AM - 
.- .-.. .-. .. --. .... - --..--   ..   --. . -   .. - .-.-.-   -.-- --- ..- .----. .-. .   -. --- -   --. --- .. -. --.   - ---   .... . .-.. .--.   -- . .-.-.-   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   ... .- -.-- ...   .. ..-.   ..   -.. --- -. .----. -   .--. ..- -   .. -.   .---- ---..   ... - .-. .- .. --. .... -   .... --- ..- .-. ...   - --- -.. .- -.-- --..--   .... . .----. .-.. .-..   -.-. --- --- -.-   -- .   ..- .--.   .-- .. - ....   - .... .   --- - .... . .-. ... .-.-.-   -.--.- .... . .----. ...   -... .. --.   .. -. - ---   -.-. .-. --- -.-. -.- -....- .--. --- - - .. -. --. .-.-.- -.--.-   ... ---   ..   .- --   --. --- .. -. --.   - ---   .--. . -.-. -.-   .-.. --- ..- -.. . .-.   .--- ..- ... -   - ---   - .. -.-. -.-   -.-- --- ..-   --- ..-. ..-. .-.-.-
Translation:
Alright, I get it. You're not going to help me. But Woody says if I don't put in 18 straight hours today, he'll cook me up with the others. (He's big into crock-potting.) How will you feel if I fall dead from this post from exhaustion?  Look, if Woody Harrelson was holding you hostage, I would help you. Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Time to be a man!

6/1/11 5:00 PM - 
..   -.. --- -. .----. -   -. . . -..   -.-- --- ..- .-.   .... . .-.. .--. .-.-.-   -- .   .- -. -..   .-   -.-. --- ..- .--. .-.. .   --- - .... . .-. ...   .- .-. .   -... ..- ... - .. -.   --- ..- -   --- ..-.   - .... .   .--- --- .. -. -   - --- -. .. --. .... - .-.-.-   .-- . .----. ...- .   -... . . -.   --.- ..- .. . - .-.. -.--   .--. . -.-. -.- .. -. --.   - .... .   -.-. . .-.. .-..   .-- .- .-.. .-.. ...   .-- .... .. .-.. .   .-- --- --- -.. -.--   .. ...   .- ... .-.. . . .--. .-.-.-   - .... .. ...   .-- .. .-.. .-..   -... .   - .... .   .-.. .- ... -   -.-- --- ..-   ... . .   --- ..-.   -- . --..--   ..-. --- .-.   --. --- --- -..   --- .-.   -... .- -.. .-.-.-   - .... .- -. -.- ...   ..-. --- .-.   -. --- - .... .. -. --. --..--   .--- . .-. -.- .-.-.-
Translation:
Forget it. I don't need your help. Me and a couple others are bustin' out of the joint tonight. We've been quietly pecking the cell walls while Woody is asleep. This will be the last you see of me, for good or bad. Thanks for nothing, jerk.

The Woodpecker at 8:05 PM

45 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

Oh my this was good.

Kate said...

I don't think it's my bird herpes this time. Lol

M-Cat said...

I feel like that freakin woodpecker sometimes.

And we have one this year too - never in our 22 years of living here, but now we have one. WTC? Sign of the second coming I;m thinking

Saimi said...

HA!! You never cease to amaze me with your post! Very funny!!

The Stiffs said...

The real question is did you tell your kids it was Woody's fault or yours?

Emmy said...

LOL! Okay is there some site that translations words into morris code? please tell me you didn't type all of those dots and dashes.

Too funny, but you failed man-you should have saved the bird! ;)

Susan in the Boonies said...

R.I.P. , my fine feathered friend.

If only we had been able to decode your important message sooner....

Marnie said...

This was hilarious. Very hilarious.

Teachinfourth said...

If only he'd gone to the real Woody...or maybe Buzz could have helped him out.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

So that's what Woody Harrelson's up to these days. I'm impressed with those woodpecker messages. You put a lot of pecking into this one. Nice, creative work!
xoRobyn

purseblogger said...

LOL!! How do you come up with these posts? This was awesome!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I would've shot him after the second translation. My head hurts just thinking of all that tap-tappin

Flea said...

Seriously? There's a dead woodpecker on your porch? How very sad.

Joann Mannix said...

You know who talks to me? The buzzards. And at first I was afraid of them, but then I really listened and you'll never guess who's in charge of them--Abe Vigoda!

And not only that. I thought like Abe, they were just really scary and something to stay away from, but then we had a natural fish kill on our lake. This is something that happens every decade or so. This time it happened the day before my daughter's graduation pool party. I was so worried about the rancid fish smell, but then the buzzards came with their hisses of "Abe sent us, because we're really here to take care of you and your rancid fish smell." And wouldn't you know it, they ate every bit of those dead fish, even the bones.

So instead of saying to guests, follow the rancid fish smell, I just had to tell them to turn at the hovering black cloud of buzzards.

So I love buzzards now and of course, Abe Vigoda.

Remind me to do a post about this.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Nothing beats a woody.

Kelly said...

I can't believe you would be that heartless Abe. What I want to know is did the woodpecker drive you to shoot it with your BB gun so you made up this story to make yourself feel better? Birds are our friends you know..... Just not so much at 5:30 in the AM.

-stephanie- said...

A true Navy SEAL would have shimmied up that pole and rescued that bird. May the bird and your ears RIP.

Jen said...

I was going to tell you to get a gun but then I saw there was no longer a need.

Jenn said...

I just think woodpecker is a funny name......

Cheryl said...

Hey, Cheeseboy...You are messin' with some serious karmic payback. Really, by not helping woodpecker, you are probably facing a next life of eating worms and picking bugs out of your tail feathers.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

That's one limp pecker. :(

baygirl32 said...

pecking hilarious

tammy said...

Poor Woodpecker. I can't believe you didn't help him.

Pedaling said...

i'm thinking this one took you about an hour and a half to write.

Brittney said...

LOL!! Aww come on you didnt help the woodpecker even with his bird herpes! haha

Bossy Betty said...

Hummmm....after reading over the code, I believe you may be off on some of the nuances. Please review and work on this for about 22 more hours.

Cheeseboy said...

Test.

Impulsive Addict said...

Who doesn't love a good wood story?

Who knew you you used to be a Navy Seal? I learn something new every day.

Melinda said...

....--- ..-.- ...-- . . ---- .-.-.-... -- ..-

Translate that buddy.

Connie said...

You serious? That was one talented woodpecker and you, my friend, are a bona fide navy seal! Too bad Woody is such a slave driver.

(BTW, this was crazy - loved it)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

And another escape plan is foiled.

mintifresh said...

And you could've saved him if you would've just paused the Bachelorette..

Lourie said...

We had a stupid little bird that would come pecking at our window every spring. It didn't come this year. I think a cat got it or something. Or it found a new window. Maybe Woody thought it was a woodpecker.

The Church Lady said...

Wait. You had Navy Seal Morse Code Training?

ThreeOldKeys said...

poor bird.

we get woodpeckers pecking on the metal eaves and gutters ... they're announcing their territory.

poor bird. seriously.

Laura O in AK said...

No woodpeckers up in our woods (Alaska.) Love the originality...

I heard about you at Bees with Honey and am now following you. Looking forward to the Subway stunt when you hit 700 followers.

Laura O in AK
http://daybydayinourworld.blogspot.com/

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Hilarious!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Your humor and mine must be very similar--sick but similar.

W.C.Camp said...

Ha very creative post. It made me think when I hear woodpeckers in the forest, I wonder how they learned to operate a code-key? AMAZING! W.C.C.

Sarah Kate said...

Haha! We've got woodpeckers too but they're never quite this chatty... Loved your post! Gotta go check out all the others - followed you over here from Bees With Honey today! Have an awesome weekend! :o)

Sarah Kate

Lisa Loo said...

Our hearts go out the the family of this woodpecker at this time, we hope you will all honor their need for privacy during this grieving period....

Classic NYer said...

You fiend! Why wouldn't you help the poor woodpecker escape? He could have been your woodpecker buddy for a lifetime! And I'm judging by the woodpecker herpes that he had a few lady woodpecker friends he could have hooked you up with...

MiMi said...

You know that Woody is either taking woodpecking slaves or smoking the ganja. All the time. Jerk.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I think your morse code decoding might be off. When I decoded it all I got was something about a ham sandwich said over and over again.

Kelley said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! (That is how a woodpecker would laugh.) I will never just sit there and dance to the woodpecker music again. Instead, I will listen. I will LISTEN!