Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Queen's Speech

I occasionally hear women say that they are the "Queen of Procrastination". Yeah right. I've met the real queen of procrastination and she is nothing like you.  Fortunately, I can prove it. I found a transcript from one of her speeches.

THE QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION'S SPEECH

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.

Hold on.  I'm not... ready.

Okay, I suppose I'm ready.  I've been putting this speech off long enough. It's time to do this thing.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears...

I have an announcement to make:  I am the Queen of Procrastination!  I have known since 1988. I am sorry I have not told you sooner. I meant to.

Look, a lot of people get really freaked out when I say things like "OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" Or "SEND HER TO THE DUNGEON!"  In reality, I never actually get around to having these things done.  So you can sleep easier tonight.

I've been meaning to call my mom.  It's been almost a year.  Mom, if you can hear me, I'll call you tomorrow. Or I won't. I probably won't.

Some people say to me, "Those burglars aren't just going to hang themselves!" But here's the crazy thing: if you make them wait long enough, a lot of them actually do hang themselves!

I had a lot more to say, but I think I'll wait until next year.

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN OF PROCRASTINATION!

46 comments:

Cluttered Brain said...

1st comment..yay!

The Church Lady said...

She's a girl after my own heart! Long live the queen!

Cluttered Brain said...

now for the REAL comment...oh ya procrastination is killer...I've been getting better though.
It pays to be prepared and not procrastinate when it comes to laundry...
I LOVE this post.
Do you suffer from procrastination?
OFF with your head....bwahaha.
Never mind. We'll do it next year....I'm too lazy right now...
Love it Abe.

Cluttered Brain said...

OH and is this lady for real?
Wow.
I want her autograph.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You need to write speeches professionally!

mice_aliling said...

Hahaha. THat is why she is Queen!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Someday sometime in the future I want to be just like her. (Rich).
Cute post.
xoRobyn

Alittlesprite said...

One of my pet peeves.
I would have thought the Queen had hired help to procrastinate for her.

Connie said...

I would have been the first comment but i kept putting it off.

tammy said...

I'm going to comment on this later.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I was going to procrastinate commenting, but it'd take too long for me to find the original post by the time I get round to it - in 2013.

This speech just reminded me I need to return my mom's call - from 2 weeks ago.

Amy said...

Hahaha! That is too funny.

Crystal Pistol said...

"Those burglar's aren't going to hang themselves"... etc... but then they DO hang themselves.

Hahahaaaaaaa!

You should do Queen of Putrescense next, like on The Princess Bride. That would be awesome.

Remember? Bow down to the Queen of Filth. The Queen of slime. The queen of putresense. (I don't know how to spell putresense.)

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

My first laugh out loud moment of the day. Thanks, Cheese!

Stef H (Glitterbabe) said...

i have her perfect mate... my hubby is definitely KING of procrastination!!! trust me.

hugs, stef (Glitterbabe)

Nicole said...

Lord have mercy. hahahaa

Cheryl said...

I consider procrastination an artform. Now that I have honed my skill to the "near perfection" level, I find out there is a Queen.
Who knew??

Saimi said...

It's good to be the Queen!

Donna said...

I am the queen and I am not amused

Kristina P. said...

I wanted to comment on this last night, but I didn't get around to it.

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious!!!

Beth Zimmerman said...

You are a NUT! :) Nuts is good!

Lori said...

Oh sure...did you write this post just to make us blogging procrastinators feel a twinge of guilt?

Posting on my own blog and leaving comments on other peoples blogs has been put off and off by me lately.

Don't worry...I get the hint. :)

M-Cat said...

I was gonna comment, but I'll get around to it later.

Lisa Loo said...

My life is so full of procrastination I am practically swimming in the stuff. I make that queen look like a mere peasant........

Jen said...

Abe, you crack me up. I liked the mom one...hits close to home, unfortunately!

Phil and Ted said...

Very funny. I especially enjoy the overall concept, and how, with each post, your format changes. There are posts with writing, schedules, letters, wood-pecker translations, and now speech transcripts.
I'm a teen, so I know a thing or two about procrastination. In fact, I even wrote a post called "4 Reasons Why Teens Procrastinate".

- Phil

Marnie said...

If you wait long enough, problems just go away :0) Brilliant!

Jason, as himself said...

Wait now. Are you saying YOU are the Queen of Procrastination?

You do kind of look like the old queen in the photo. Minus the nostril hairs.

-stephanie- said...

Goes to show you why you should never procrastinate on calling your mom.

Lourie said...

If the Queen stops procrastinating for any reason, I am next in line to take the crown.

Marinela Reka said...

Beautiful post!

Short Poems

Joann Mannix said...

My girls are the royal princesses of procrastination, especially when it comes to cleaning their rooms. they live in royal dung dumps.

Jenn said...

Hey, you stole the speech I was planning on making today, can you make sure I get that back before noon... well, at least by 5pm? Thanks!

SueLovesCherries said...

Personally, I know more kings than queens!

Now, about the white Columbine - I see no problem with them growing in Utah. :)

mintifresh said...

Yup. She wins.

Missy said...

Love the Queen!!!

Corrina Terry said...

Hilarious! How do you think of these things?!?!?!

Holly said...

Welll... I was going to comment the other day but something came up.... SMART ALEK!! I could give her some competition if I try. ;p Thanks for the smile! ;D

Fragrant Liar said...

I almost commented the other day, but I am the Queen of Procrastination, contrary to your post! ;-) 'Tis I!

Ally said...

When I think of the Queen, I always think of The Smiths. One of my favorite albums is The Queen is Dead.

FourthGradeNothing.com

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

She is me, I am her, well, I mean, in the loosest sense of the term "She is Me" because, obviously, she isn't me. Which is good, because if she didn't like PB as much as me that would be crappy. Do you think she does? If so, chunky or smooth? Me? I'll take either. I'll crush the whole peanut in my mouth to make PB if I need too. Anyway, back to the subject: Laundry needs to be done!

Lazarus said...

Funny and creative, classic Cheeeboy, nicely done!

Kelley said...

That is me! I love that she doesn't ever really get around to cutting off anyone's head. That is a RELIEF!

W.C.Camp said...

The queen of procrastination needs an appropriate crown for all to admire - I think Burger Kings gives them away at their restaurants! W.C.C.

Unknown Mami said...

Dang! I was going to leave a really great comment, but I waited to long and now the baby is crying so I have to go. Bummer. It was really good too. You would have loved it.