Thursday, June 9, 2011

Abe and the Percocet

In my senior year* of college, I had an abscessed tooth.

I still have no idea what the word "abscessed" means, but at the time it meant extremely painful, filled with puss and preventing me from eating steak. 

It was the year of our Lord 2000.  I had recently become married and I worked part time at a call center where I enjoyed speaking to irritated people.  

It was a life that dreams are made of.**

My tooth, it hurt. It hurt bad. Real bad. Well, not necessarily the tooth itself, but rather the nerves just below the tooth. 

I called my dentist and he arranged to meet me at his office at 9:30 in the evening. He was a very kind dentist without much of a life.

Our eyes met across the dentist's office parking and it was then that I knew that this would not be the romantic encounter that I had planned.

Dr. Holliday*** drilled a hole in my tooth and allowed the puss to drain.  He then took the puss, put it in a ziplock bag and proceeded to dump it on his head.*****

I left the office with a smile on my face and a brand new prescription for percocet. I was to return the following day after work for the finishing touches.  

At this time of my life, I was a fairly heavy abuser of Hostess fruit pies. I am not proud of this and it is difficult for me to talk about to this day.  I ate these fruit-filled piles of processed sugar like they were going out of style.***** Cherry was my favorite. That morning I had two of them.  I figured I deserved them both; I had definitely endured two fruit pies worth of pain.

I sat in my call center cubicle, awaiting a call from someone who would undoubtedly yell at me about something or another, when my tooth began to throb. Pain radiated from that one spot in my skull into every morsel of my body.******

That bottle of percoset sat on the corner of my desk and I glared at it longingly.  I had taken one of those saintly pills the night before and it had eased me to sleep.  I assumed it was time to take another, but this pain was breathtaking. Was one enough? I mean, I had always taken aspirin in pairs.  And I always ate Doublemint gum in pairs.******* What would be the harm in taking two percosets at once?  

No harm. That was the answer I rationalized in my peabrain.

I downed the percosets and sat back in my chair, waiting for sweet relief to take hold of my morsels. 

Relief came and it came swiftly.  I looked at my computer screen and it began to unfold into tiny particles.  The particles then danced across my desk and onto my lap.  I stood up and tried to wipe them off to no avail. 

I glanced at my coworker sitting across the room.  She was wearing a string bikini and a grass skirt.  It was not Halloween.  She weighed close to 300 pounds. ********

The room began to spin.  And when I say it began to spin, I mean it appeared as though I was standing in the one stationary spot in the room and everything else was rotating around me.  It was as though I was in the very center of the universe.  It was all at once exhilarating and terrifying. 

Suddenly, I felt the overwhelming urge to vomit. I yanked off my headphones, stepped onto the spinning floor and ran sidewards to the bathroom.  I did not make it, but fortunately I made it to the large garbage can in the hall. 

Now, under normal circumstances, I would have remembered that I had eaten two Hostess cherry pies earlier that morning, but this was not "normal circumstances".  I was totally and completely drugged out of my brain and so when I saw dark red fluid oozing out of my mouth, I thought for sure that I was vomiting up blood.

I began screaming.  People in the hall stopped to check on me.  I was screaming.  "I AM VOMITING UP BLOOD!  I AM VOMITING UP BLOOD!"  Soon, there was a large congruency of coworkers staring at me while I shrieked with my face in a garbage can. When it was over, I collapsed in exhaustion and laid in the middle of the hall, my eyes looking at the ceiling; it was still spinning. 

My boss came into the hall and helped me back to my desk where I sat with my head between my legs.  I thought I was dying.  I had just vomited three pounds of blood.  It was only a matter of time. ********* 

I told my boss that I needed to drive home and he told me that he would not allow it.  He called my wife and she agreed to come pick me up.  He walked me down to the lobby and out to the lawn where he laid me down and sat with me while I admired the muscles that the birds were exhibiting in their weight lifting session.

My wife finally arrived and with much head shaking and embarrassing laughter, she loaded me into the back of her car and drove me home.  I graduated from college a week later and left that job forever. 

*I say "senior year", but in reality my senior year lasted roughly three years.

**The dreams of a hobo. 

***Odd, but appropriate coincidence.

****At least this is what I remember him doing. I had a lot of laughing gas at the time.

*****I think Hostess fruit pies actually went out of style in 1983, but nobody bothered to tell me.

******If the body was broken into "morsels". 

********That is how it was meant to be eaten, right?

********In real life and not a drug induced hallucinations, she weighed more like 250. 

*********"Time" a relative term. I mean, we are all going to go eventually. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 >>The Blog O' Cheese will be on hiatus until later in the month.  It may or may not be updated.  It will if you get lucky.  (No, not that kind of lucky, pervert.)

71 comments:

Emmy said...

First!

Emmy said...

Hehe okay- that was hilarious- so sad but also so funny. I am glad nothing worse then coworkers in bikinis and blood throw up happened :)
I take one advil at a time so a light weight when it comes to meds

Kristina P. said...

I think this is one of your best written posts yet!

I had a minor surgery before I got married, and I was in no pain. I threw my Percocets down the toilet. When I tell my drug addict kids that story, tears well up in their eyes.

Joan said...

I loved the lemon and the chocolate pies. Can't imagine puking them though.

Thanks for the giggle. ;)

Kmama said...

Ha!! I can't believe you took two of those! And your teaching the world's future? Oh goodness!

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

You're always funny but this was one of your funniest yet.
Whaddya mean you're going on a hiatus? Is that allowed?
Crap. Now what am I supposed to do?

Lourie said...

My husband can't even take ONE percocet. Me, bring 'em on! He likes vicodin. haha. How long is a while? I might end up in withdrawals.

dbs said...

I suspect that Steve Carell is currently writing a script based on this hilariousness.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I freaking love this!

"Miss Bee" said...

I ate a hostess pie every day for lunch my senior year of high school. Cherry was my favorite as well. Never had percocet, but I'll take your word for it!

Enjoy your break!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Best. Post. Ever.

My dear husband has been taking percoset following his heart surgery.

(You HAVE been following along with all that, haven't you, Abe? :-D)

I can't wait to read this to him!!!

After I fix him a cherry pie.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

And I'm sure those people still talk about the incident to this day...

Shelly said...

Just found your blog today. Totally. Hilarious. Thanks for the smile!

-stephanie- said...

And to think you're still married. What a gal.

Enjoy your break. You will be missed.

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious yet sad.

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

I didn't know Hostess pies ever went out of style. I still have one occasionally even though I have to eat hardly anything afterward due to the height of calories.

I once drank a red gatorade on the way to the doc when I was under the weather, but had to vomit when I got there. The DOCTOR thought I was vomiting blood, and wanted to send me to the ER, and it took me going to my car and getting the empty bottle for her to buy the story, and she was still a bit skeptical.

Rule of thumb- never take more than one of a new prescription med. Usually, it won't KILL you, but generally, with prescriptions, it's not a good idea.

My Blog

Kate said...

This is hilarious! Except the puss part, which is just gross, even if it WAS a hallucination.

After knee surgery, I had Vicodin, and the directions were something like "take 1-2 ever 4-6 hours"...which I read as "take 2 every 4 hours...maybe sooner". Had the worst, most real dreams ever. I had moved back home after my divorce and ended up scooting down the stairs from my bedroom and spending the night in my mom's bed with her. At the tender age of 25.

Jen said...

Holy crap! Still laughing. You have to be careful of those little pills. They pack a powerful punch.
P.S. I hated those darn pies...except for the flaky frosting on the outside...I actually used to lick it off and give the rest of the pie to my younger brother. gross, right?

Pedaling said...

I remember he day's when I could eat a cherry filled hostess pie....

and I have much of the same reaction to taking the actual prescribed amount of pain pills.....One must weigh...the pain or the vomiting...I usually go with the pain.

Why do I type.....,so often?

Have a nice hiatus. no dots.

middle child said...

After reading this post, you may just BE the center of my universe!

mintifresh said...

Note to self: never ever eat a Hostess pie. Ever.

Connie said...

I thought I was the only one who did that! I had shoulder surgery and had to go to PT. It was excruciating so I decided to take 2 percs and have my daughter drive me. After being there for 10 minutes, I was so sick, the Physical Therapist told me to go home. I at least made it home before vomiting. My story isn't as funny as yours but then you're the best at writing funny stories. Enjoy your time away from your computer.

Crystal Pistol said...

23rd!

This is a great story. I love drugs like Percoset. But I don't love 300 lbs ladies in grass skirts. Offensive. Was it seeing the large lady that made you vomit? I say yes.

The last line is awesome because I'm pretty sure you just called me a pervert right to my face.

Kelloggsville said...

I'm surprised they didn't call an ambulance. Perhaps they already knew you too well! I appreciate the clarification of my pervertedness but you say it like it is a bad thing.

imbeingheldhostage said...

That's the best percoset story I have read all day!

The Stiffs said...

I can't wait to hear more about your senior years.

Melinda said...

I love your funny real life stories. Those Hostess pies were yummy! Do they sell them anymore?

Pearl said...

Fabulous. :-)

Had a similar experience when an eardrum burst. Dry heaves, waking nightmares, I shall never take a Percocet again.

Pearl

p.s. I really like how this post was put together. Wonder if your writing style is modifying, over time? I think it is, and it's very nice...

Georgina Dollface said...

I feel queasy just having read that. What a bad trip!
I've never had laughing gas for dental surgery, but once when I went to the ER with a major back injury, they gave me a canister of my own to suck on for awhile. I remember thinking that getting my blood drawn was incredibly hilarious. It was even funnier when I started laughing so hard that the nurse kept missing my vein. That nitrous oxide is pretty powerful stuff. - G

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I love it! Your dentist should really get some therapy for dumping puss on his head though. Sick.

Antares Cryptos said...

Bet you never had one of those pies again.

BTW, do I need to leave 30 comments for all of my dreams to come true?

Melinda said...

I've never had a strong drug like that, mostly because I think it would put my in a coma. You know how on benadryl it says stuff like "may cause marked drowsiness"? Yeah, well, that means I'm unconscious within minutes.

I want a hostess pie so bad right now.

Jen said...

Dude, I am so glad I started reading your blog. You make me laugh and because I am an RN, this made me laugh even more. :)

Diane J. said...

I love Percocet. I had some after the birth of my twins. My doctor said I should take one with two advils....That was a bit much, I spun it freaked me out.

The next time I took a pill, it was just one Percocet. I seriously, felt a warmth from head all the way to my toes. It was wonderful.

When my husband would call home to check on me and the kiddos, he would ask if there was anything he could get (this was by the time the babies decided they didn't need to sleep - around 4 months old). Depending on the day, I begged him to find a street vendor with Percocet or Mary Poppins.

He always laughed and came home empty handed, and then wondered why I was so crabby.

You're hysterical, love the Hostess Pie, I bet those people still talk about "This one time at the Call Center..."

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, you seem to have all of the adventures now, don't you, Abe?

Aunt Juicebox said...

Why do we always have to vomit after drinking/eating the red stuff? I've done it after both taking red Nyquil, and once after drinking Hawaiian punch. I also remember waking up from a drug induced stupor after having my wisdom teeth removed and sobbing hysterically because my mouth was packed with cotton and I didn't remember why. Oy!

Kelley said...

What a story! The part about the pus was my favorite! No, seriously, if would freak me out if I threw up red stuff, even if I remembered it was a Hostess cherry pie (or 2 or 3 or 4). I hope you are on hiatus because you are going somewhere fun!

Kelley said...

What a story! The part about the pus was my favorite! No, seriously, if would freak me out if I threw up red stuff, even if I remembered it was a Hostess cherry pie (or 2 or 3 or 4). I hope you are on hiatus because you are going somewhere fun!

W.C.Camp said...

No wonder your mouth was hurting - you were eating cats (did you eat his boots too?)

I had a toothache too once and it was awful. Took a strong pill and got dizzy and weird but not as funny as your story. Loved the cherry pie surprise for your office. I bet they still speak of your legendary tenure!
W.C.C.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I cackled. Then roared. And spit my tea out for fear of choking.

Thanks for the laughter. And where the hell are you going? Hiatus? Are you going to enjoy summer?

Jason, as himself said...

This was just delightful!

Jillybean said...

Been there, done that with the abcessed tooth. There's really no other pain that compares to that.

I agree with Kristina, this is a great post! (however, I was really hoping that while you were in your drug induced state you would take a phone call from some mean person, just to see what you would do......)

Bees With Honey said...

Hey, this post was different. I like hearing stories about the past even if it was about throwing up.

Pat yourself on the back for a job well done. (wink)

Cheryl said...

so sorry...slow getting over here this week. Why didn't someone call an ambulance as you were telling them you were pukin' up blood? Did you have a reputation for being a drama queen or a reputation for being a pathological lier. Just curious.

I love those little pies. Are they out of style now? I quit them cold turkey years ago, not because they weren't yummy, but my thighs requested it.

Christine said...

You are so clever, at first I didn't really understand the asterisks, until I read to the bottom, I thought up until that point you were completely nuts. Thanks for the clarification.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

This reads like a really bad dream, except the hostess cherry pies. Good call. Those are my favorite too.
xoRobyn

SueLovesCherries said...

I love stories with a happy ending! But, I can't wait for the sequel!

P.S. - I will save the Senior text abbrev's; I may need them in a few years! ;)

Lance said...

I;m laughing too much to appreciate the anti-drug after school special quality of this post. It also reminds me of the Saved by the Bell episode where good girl Jessie goes from good girl to speed freak to good girl in 22 minutes.

Nicole said...

Percocet, the stuff homicidal circus dreams are made of.

Joann Mannix said...

I was wheezing like an asthmatic, chain-smoking grandma when I got to the part where you were screaming over vomiting up blood/Hostess fruit pies.

I do so love hypochondria. I know it as well as you do. I once went to the ER for what I was certain was a life threatening blood clot. It ended up being a bruise from my Spanx.

I actually stared at that sentence for a minute with my finger hovering over the delete key but then I thought, you confessed, so I might as well let my hypochondriac freak flag fly.

I too love Hostess fruit pies even after I heard the urban legend of the mound of hair being found in one and the true fact that fruit pies have more insect parts than any other "food". I use the term loosely.

There's something about those artificial ingredients that is just utterly delicious.

Stacey said...

Oh my God. Now I want apple Hostess pies in the worst way.

That and some Percocet.

M. Hicks said...

My mom drove me to the ER when I was five because I ate an unsweetened red Koolaid packet. It made me scream in rage, but she thought I'd eaten broken glass or such.

The Sweetest said...

Oh, how I needed to read something funny today. Thank you for this story and for allowing us to laugh at, I mean WITH you. Found your blog through Studio 30+...

M-Cat said...

oh my crap I am laughing so hard I think I might have peed a little.

Abe on Percocet....

And I STILL love those stinking cherry fruit pies~!

Melanie Jacobson said...

Post childbirth: I needed one advil the first day.

My one and only toothache: Three days of vicodin.

Stupid teeth.

Marnie said...

I feel your pain. Back in 2001 I was given percocet for my tooth problems. It was the weirdest feeling in the world ever! The couch was trying to eat me. I swear!

Fragrant Liar said...

Doesn't get better than the Percs!

My 14-y-o daughter's first attempt at drinking wine ended with her puking her guts up, and then screaming through the phone, "Come get me, I'm dying! I'm puking blood!"

Yeah. That's what Merlot will do to you.

Silver Strands said...

HAHAHAHA ... love this post. And I'm happy to see that you finally have a sponsor advertising on your side bar. Good for you!

Lazarus said...

Loved it, typical hilarious posting of Cheeseboy. Looking forward to the stories of the Pennsylvania trip...

Terresa said...

Two fruit pies, better than 1 percocet.

Terresa said...

PS: Almost to 700 followers, you're getting there!

PPS: Blogging is not about numbers (it's about the people, the connectivity, the writing), but you probably have realized that by now...

:)

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I'm Jennifer. said...

Such a funny story...fun at your expense though. You were in severe pain and I was cracking up about it. Hostess Pies? Yes, all the rage in the 80s. Do you remember Snowballs? Those were my fave. Few people seem to remember them. Hope you're having a swell time on hiatus.

Unknown Mami said...

I will have to write Hostess a thank you card. I really needed that laugh.

They should use that image of you yelling and vomiting as an ad campaign for the cherry flavored pies.

The Empress said...

oh

do you know how much I LOVE TO LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Vomiting blood in a percocet delirium.

THIS WAS WONDERFUL.

Thank you.

So much.

Now, I will read this every single day, and then to my teen boys...b/c hostess fruit pie blood vomit?

TOO WONDERFUL.

This belongs at LOL, you know,right?

laffylady@gmail.com

tarynddavidson said...

I am new to this blog and I haven't laughed that hard since i took LSD and went to work. (back in college)

Brandon Duncan said...

TOO FUNNY! I love a good drug story. My mother, of all people, decided when I was a teen of her first (and last, maybe?) acid trip, during which she had a 45 minute conversation with a rock. Although she claimed it was an excellent conversationalist, it definitely steered me in the other direction of non-prescribed substances, lol!

Ally said...

I read this blog post on my phone yesterday, but I was having trouble commenting. This story is NUTS. I also can't believe you guys were married in college. I don't think I knew any married peeps back in those days. Very cool!

Holly said...

So you DO think the world revolves around YOU.... BAHAHAHA!!! In spite of that... your wife proved how GREAT she IS to laugh and remind you of your place. Teehee...
Great story... I'll hold onto my morphine tale until another day. I couldn't even come CLOSE to this caliber of entertainment!
((HUGS))

A Slice of Dansie said...

I have forgotten about this momentous call center event. I love this story even more as I read it than when you told me about it in person! The only other Abe story that tops this is your poo story. Maybe someday I will read about that TOO on your BLOG. HAHAHAHAHA

Corrina Terry said...

I missed this one with the end of the school year hanging over me. I wish I'd read it then!!! Hilarious!!!!!