Tuesday, June 21, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

Howdy everyone.  I'm back from hiatus. Just returned from a ten day vacation to Pennsylvania where I ate cheesesteaks, went watersliding and then ate more cheesesteaks. They say you should wait an hour to go swimming after you eat but this rule does not apply to eating cheesesteaks and watersliding.  I looked it up.

Anyway, I am back and I look forward to blog surfing to all your blogs in the near future.

I always post a rundown of my best Facebook and Twitter status updates.  Although this month's is a tad bit late, here they are. I'd love to hear your favorites.  Or your least favorites.  Or just a comment telling me how brilliant I am will do.

6-16-11 at 8:48 PM: The times I have felt like the biggest dope in life are generally the times I am listening to mechanical animals sing to me.


6-15-11 at 6:30 PMJust ate farm fresh strawberry ice cream on a York Pennsylvania farm that looked like it was straight out of the movies. And not one of those scary farm movies either. I'm talking one of those movies with the dog running slow motion through the field and the dopey kid wearing overalls that is so cute you want to slap him.


6-14-11 at 5:38 PM: My sons have started judging the fanciness of restaurants we eat at on this trip by the length of their french fries. The longer the fry, the fancier the place.


6-14-11 at 1:46 PMOn our 5th different hotel in 5 nights. Interesting that not one of them has kicked me out for wandering the halls in a bathrobe, soccer cleats and a scarf.


6-12-11 at 5:13 PMWe hiked to two very secluded Pennsylvania waterfalls today and have also secluded two boys from each other for parent's sanity.


6-11-11 at 1:17 PM: Successfully conquered Easton's Crayola factory. I suggested new crayon color of "Sasquach Brown". They said they would take it under advisement.


6-10-11 at 3:41 PMJust received a full body scan. Airport lady says I should see a doctor but is frustratingly unspecific.


6-10-11 at 8:31 AM: 1980's: Invite friends over and bore them w/slideshow of vacation photos.
2010's: Invite friends to view vacation photos on Facebook.

6-9-11 at 3:30 PM: I feel strongly that my current life, as it stands now, would be very impressive to most carnies and hobos.

6-9-11 at 9:37 AM: If you've got a problem, I've found the best way to solve it is to check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.

6-8-11 at 1:50 PM: If you are saving more than two seats at a movie theater, you are not saving seats, you are being a dillwad.

6-7-11 at 5:33 PM: I love it when my wife asks me to check on food in the oven. I have no idea what I am looking for. I always just tell her, "Yep, still in there." 

6-7-11 at 10:11 AM: Don't you hate it when your spandex bike shorts are making your Spanx ride up? 

6-6-11 at 6:46 PMIf there was a clown that killed all other clowns with machetes, it would still be only as scary as a regular clown.

6-5-11 at 10:35 PM: One thing I have learned in life is that sometimes a bad situation calls for not one, but two adult diapers.

6-3-11 at 3:06 PMFYI: I've done the math & your Glee age is = to .59% of your real-life age. If you are 30 in real life, you are only 17.7 on Glee. (Also, one day into summer break and I already have too much time on my hands.)

6-3-11 at 11:57 AMRight before he died, Dr. Kevorkian's eyes glazed over and his face felt frosted. It was then that he said,"I always planned to go on National Donut Day."

6-2-11 at 5:25 PMThe speling be is on. I have no dowt that I wood STEAL loose at a sixth grade speling bee!

6-1-11 at 10:16 PM: Turns out, opening the dishwasher and blowing in it will not make it work like it does an old-school Nintendo. Total bull.

5-31-11 at 7:04 PMIn 10 years, when everyone looks at their pictures and sees how awful they looked in skinny jeans, I'll have no problem saying "I told you so".

5-30-11 at 10:43 PM‎:oscopy - Abbreviation I made up for colonoscopy.

5-29-11 at 6:55 PMIf I were a mole, my lifelong goal would be to make a mountain out of a molehill.

5-28-11 at 7:03 PMA great gag would be to sneak into the zoo and put little Crocs on all four feet of the crocodile.

5-27-11 at 4:17 PMSo my horse is claiming the he got his horse herpes from a hot tub.

5-27-11 at 4:00 PMI invented a sunscreen that is SPF 1,000! I am going to start selling it at Targets & Walmarts. It's going to be called "Clothes". Look for it soon.

5-26-11 at 7:05 PM: First grade students: What are YOU going to do this summer, Mr. Cheeseboy?
Me: I am going to Pennsylvania.
First grade students: What are you going to do there?
Me: We are going to go to the Crayola Crayon Factory.
First grade student: Do they have pencils?
Me: No
First Grade Student: It should be called "Crayonsylvania" then.


5-25-11 at 6:16 PM: When Oprah signed off one final time today, I felt like a little piece of me died. Then I realized that it was just my leprosy acting up again.

5-25-11 at 4:26 PM: Dear Oprah: I am going to miss not watching you now even more than I missed not watching you when you were on.

5-25-11 at 12:37 AM: Only in Utah would you see people doing the wave before a U2 concert.

5-24-11 at 4:57 PM: Headed to U2. I'm going to speak in an Irish accent until I get tired of it or until I get punched. Probably punched.

5-23-11 at 7:29 PM: My favorite fruit is a crunch berry.

5-22-11 at 8:56 PM: I'd like to go to Baskin Robbins and tell them I'd like one sample of each flavor. Then I would say, "Can you just go ahead and put them all in one big bowl?

5-22-11 at 1:10 PM: Grounded my son today from tigers. There will be no tigers for him for an entire week! He was crying. We don't own tigers.

5-21-11 at 8:00 PM: ‎"Did I say May 21st, 2011 at 4:00 PM? I meant to say 'Bird poop bonnet parade!' Now where is my magic kilt and talking cat?" - Rapture Guy

5-21-11 at 4:27 PM: Worst... Rapture... EVER!

5-20-11 at 6:21 PM: I have never seen an Anne Taylor Loft on anything but the first floor.

5-18-11 at 5:31 PM: When people say someone's "died in the wool" , I always think that would be an incredible itchy way to go.

5-18-11 at 7:04 AM: ‎"My love for the work all started when I was invited to Kevin's birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop as a ten-year-old boy." - Charles Stuffemup, World's Greatest Taxidermist

5-17-11 at 7:09 PM: Many people do not know that a mythical Griffin is 55% eagle, 60% lion and 20% high school math failure.

5-16-11 at 9:36 PM: There's 2 kinds of unicorn hoarders: People that hoard unicorns and unicorns that hoard. Oh yes, and unicorns that hoard other unicorns. (Very rare). 

37 comments:

Connie said...

Did you sing WITH the mechanical animals. It makes you feel more like a dope. Maybe even more dopey than the guy who announced the rapture!

Mamma has spoken said...

I am betting you spend a lot of time on twitter and/or FB. Glad you had connection where ever you were in PA...

Pat said...

My faves:

1: Crayonsylvania

2: :oscopy

You rock Cheeseboy!

sinika said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
"Miss Bee" said...

I love that you grounded your son from the tigers. Doesn't get much better than that.

Sounds like you had a great vacation!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You could have all those flavors of ice cream in one bowl. Then you'd be like Adam on Man vs. Food.

Everyday Goddess said...

Brilliant. I'm voting Brilliant.

Susan in the Boonies said...

"6-10-11 at 8:31 AM: 1980's: Invite friends over and bore them w/slideshow of vacation photos.
2010's: Invite friends to view vacation photos on Facebook."

So true it ain't even funny.

Mindy said...

Where do I start with my favorites? Ice Ice Baby reference? The movie theater seats? I do have to say that clowns with machetes are scarier, though, although regular clowns rate on the scale for scary things. As for unicorn hoarders, what about unicorns that hoard people?

TesoriTrovati said...

Leprosy!
Crunch berry!
Crocs on crocs!
And my Glee-age is 24.78. Ack! While that would make me criminal for jonesin' for Puck, I could be the best substitute Will Schuester ever saw.
;-)

Enjoy the day!
Erin

Marlene said...

Dude - you were in MY neck of the woods. And it's cheeseSTEAKS...but I'll forgive you. ;)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

All good stuff. I think I still like your Oprah lines best.
xoRobyn

Beth Zimmerman said...

You're brilliant, Abe! But you already knew that!

The Church Lady said...

So glad you all made it back to Utah safely! By your Facebook updates and photos, it looks like you all had a fantastic time in good ol' PA!

My fav FB status update is sneaking into the zoo and putting tiny crocks on the alligator. That one made me laugh for hours. Ok - minutes.

Dave said...

Having never been to Philly, I'd be curious to know how our local places like DP Cheesesteaks and Moochie's stack up to the real thing.

-stephanie- said...

You're brilliant! Love the "worst Rapture ever" one and the Crayonsylvania one. Well the 2nd one doesn't make you brilliant...that goes to your first grader. Glad you had a good time. Did you have a good time? You didn't say.

ModernMom said...

Love your month of updates! Um and now and know why my dinner always burns when I ask the Hubby to check dinner in the oven, he hasn't a clue what he is looking for!

Saimi said...

Oh my gosh, my husband went to Philly a while back and got hooked on their Philly Cheese steak sandwiches. Him and the guys ate them everyday...He actually tried a few places around here when he got back but nothing compared.

It was awful watching him go through withdraws, nobody should go through that kind of pain! :)

Pat Tillett said...

There are lots of great ones in here, but....
"Worst... Rapture... EVER!" is CLASSIC!

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

Favorite?
I don't play favorites.
Unless there's one with a Vanilla Ice reference in there...then of course that wins...

Kelloggsville said...

The crocodile wasn't happy about it, please test your theories before passing them out as acceptable things to try. The wounds are starting to heal now, thank you for asking.

Crystal Pistol said...

Stuff that made me laugh here:

Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

Crayonsyllvania (I don't know the proper spelling for that place.)

Longest fry= High class dining

: = colon

OH MY GOSH THAT ONE IS GROSS!!!! HAHAHAHAAAAA!

Not Blessed Mama said...

why have i never done this? re-posting all of your own hilariousness in one spot to pat your back over? it's genius.

Squirrely said...

Favorites:

I love it when my wife asks me to check on food in the oven. I have no idea what I am looking for. I always just tell her, "Yep, still in there."

Turns out, opening the dishwasher and blowing in it will not make it work like it does an old-school Nintendo. Total bull.

In 10 years, when everyone looks at their pictures and sees how awful they looked in skinny jeans, I'll have no problem saying "I told you so".

A great gag would be to sneak into the zoo and put little Crocs on all four feet of the crocodile.

When Oprah signed off one final time today, I felt like a little piece of me died. Then I realized that it was just my leprosy acting up again.

My favorite fruit is a crunch berry.

What's your opinion on others "borrowing" your status updates?

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Crocs on croc, my favorite.

Also? The last one.

Noelle said...

You ARE brilliant, but my favorite is either your son is grounded from tigers or worst rapture ever. Welcome back!

Corrina Terry said...

Top 3 FB posts you posted:
1. Walking the halls of the hotel in that scary outfit.
2. Crocs on alligators @ the zoo.
3. Carnies and hobos being impressed with your life.

Thanks for the laughs!!! Keep it up! :o)

Justin said...

RE: 5-25-11 at 12:37 AM:

Totally happened in Denver, too.

Pearl said...

Ya goof.

:-)

Welcome back.

Pearl

TisforTonya said...

what have we done without you all week? oh yeah... well, glad you're back - my fave is probably the griffin one, but only because it was "new to me" as opposed to new... kinda like my "new" car...

TisforTonya said...

oh, and yes - Crayonsylvania :)

M-Cat said...

Yes, you are brilliant.

But the freak in me is worried about all the hotel rooms.

Tell me you CHECKED FOR BED BUGS!!!!!

Emmy said...

Yes, I was thinking this month your status were particularly good :)
And yes Crayonsylvania is one of my favorites too.

Glad you had a good trip

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Crayonsylvania = win.

Give that kid a cookie.

Powdered Toast Man said...

I do the oven thing too. I have no idea if the food is done or not. Don't send me to do that job, I am not qualified. Check my resume.

Jenn said...

YAY!! Welcome back.. glad you got to consume some cheesesteaks.. YUM!
And of course, love that you come back with facebook status updates.. these are some of my favorite posts!

Joann Mannix said...

Welcome back, Cheese.

I told just about everyone I know, which is approximately 4.8 people, about your rapture status. That one just killed me.

And pray tell, who in your opinion does the best cheesesteak? It's always quite a controversy when I ask that, because people are crazy about their cheesesteak domains.

And congratulations on writing a post my length. How did it feel? Pretty empowering, right?

And Dude, do I have a U2 story for you. You are going to die when you hear this one. And not in a good way. I'll email you later with details.