Anyway, I am back and I look forward to blog surfing to all your blogs in the near future.
I always post a rundown of my best Facebook and Twitter status updates. Although this month's is a tad bit late, here they are. I'd love to hear your favorites. Or your least favorites. Or just a comment telling me how brilliant I am will do.
6-16-11 at 8:48 PM: The times I have felt like the biggest dope in life are generally the times I am listening to mechanical animals sing to me.
6-15-11 at 6:30 PM: Just ate farm fresh strawberry ice cream on a York Pennsylvania farm that looked like it was straight out of the movies. And not one of those scary farm movies either. I'm talking one of those movies with the dog running slow motion through the field and the dopey kid wearing overalls that is so cute you want to slap him.
6-14-11 at 5:38 PM: My sons have started judging the fanciness of restaurants we eat at on this trip by the length of their french fries. The longer the fry, the fancier the place.
6-14-11 at 1:46 PM: On our 5th different hotel in 5 nights. Interesting that not one of them has kicked me out for wandering the halls in a bathrobe, soccer cleats and a scarf.
6-12-11 at 5:13 PM: We hiked to two very secluded Pennsylvania waterfalls today and have also secluded two boys from each other for parent's sanity.
6-11-11 at 1:17 PM: Successfully conquered Easton's Crayola factory. I suggested new crayon color of "Sasquach Brown". They said they would take it under advisement.
6-10-11 at 3:41 PM: Just received a full body scan. Airport lady says I should see a doctor but is frustratingly unspecific.
6-10-11 at 8:31 AM: 1980's: Invite friends over and bore them w/slideshow of vacation photos.
2010's: Invite friends to view vacation photos on Facebook.
6-9-11 at 3:30 PM: I feel strongly that my current life, as it stands now, would be very impressive to most carnies and hobos.
6-9-11 at 9:37 AM: If you've got a problem, I've found the best way to solve it is to check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.
6-8-11 at 1:50 PM: If you are saving more than two seats at a movie theater, you are not saving seats, you are being a dillwad.
6-7-11 at 5:33 PM: I love it when my wife asks me to check on food in the oven. I have no idea what I am looking for. I always just tell her, "Yep, still in there."
6-7-11 at 10:11 AM: Don't you hate it when your spandex bike shorts are making your Spanx ride up?
6-6-11 at 6:46 PM: If there was a clown that killed all other clowns with machetes, it would still be only as scary as a regular clown.
6-5-11 at 10:35 PM: One thing I have learned in life is that sometimes a bad situation calls for not one, but two adult diapers.
6-3-11 at 3:06 PM: FYI: I've done the math & your Glee age is = to .59% of your real-life age. If you are 30 in real life, you are only 17.7 on Glee. (Also, one day into summer break and I already have too much time on my hands.)
6-3-11 at 11:57 AM: Right before he died, Dr. Kevorkian's eyes glazed over and his face felt frosted. It was then that he said,"I always planned to go on National Donut Day."
6-2-11 at 5:25 PM: The speling be is on. I have no dowt that I wood STEAL loose at a sixth grade speling bee!
6-1-11 at 10:16 PM: Turns out, opening the dishwasher and blowing in it will not make it work like it does an old-school Nintendo. Total bull.
5-31-11 at 7:04 PM: In 10 years, when everyone looks at their pictures and sees how awful they looked in skinny jeans, I'll have no problem saying "I told you so".
5-30-11 at 10:43 PM: :oscopy - Abbreviation I made up for colonoscopy.
5-29-11 at 6:55 PM: If I were a mole, my lifelong goal would be to make a mountain out of a molehill.
5-28-11 at 7:03 PM: A great gag would be to sneak into the zoo and put little Crocs on all four feet of the crocodile.
5-27-11 at 4:17 PM: So my horse is claiming the he got his horse herpes from a hot tub.
5-27-11 at 4:00 PM: I invented a sunscreen that is SPF 1,000! I am going to start selling it at Targets & Walmarts. It's going to be called "Clothes". Look for it soon.
5-26-11 at 7:05 PM: First grade students: What are YOU going to do this summer, Mr. Cheeseboy?Me: I am going to Pennsylvania.
First grade students: What are you going to do there?
Me: We are going to go to the Crayola Crayon Factory.
First grade student: Do they have pencils?
First Grade Student: It should be called "Crayonsylvania" then.
5-25-11 at 6:16 PM: When Oprah signed off one final time today, I felt like a little piece of me died. Then I realized that it was just my leprosy acting up again.
5-25-11 at 4:26 PM: Dear Oprah: I am going to miss not watching you now even more than I missed not watching you when you were on.
5-25-11 at 12:37 AM: Only in Utah would you see people doing the wave before a U2 concert.
5-24-11 at 4:57 PM: Headed to U2. I'm going to speak in an Irish accent until I get tired of it or until I get punched. Probably punched.
5-23-11 at 7:29 PM: My favorite fruit is a crunch berry.
5-22-11 at 8:56 PM: I'd like to go to Baskin Robbins and tell them I'd like one sample of each flavor. Then I would say, "Can you just go ahead and put them all in one big bowl?
5-22-11 at 1:10 PM: Grounded my son today from tigers. There will be no tigers for him for an entire week! He was crying. We don't own tigers.
5-21-11 at 8:00 PM: "Did I say May 21st, 2011 at 4:00 PM? I meant to say 'Bird poop bonnet parade!' Now where is my magic kilt and talking cat?" - Rapture Guy
5-21-11 at 4:27 PM: Worst... Rapture... EVER!
5-20-11 at 6:21 PM: I have never seen an Anne Taylor Loft on anything but the first floor.
5-18-11 at 5:31 PM: When people say someone's "died in the wool" , I always think that would be an incredible itchy way to go.
5-18-11 at 7:04 AM: "My love for the work all started when I was invited to Kevin's birthday party at Build-A-Bear Workshop as a ten-year-old boy." - Charles Stuffemup, World's Greatest Taxidermist
5-17-11 at 7:09 PM: Many people do not know that a mythical Griffin is 55% eagle, 60% lion and 20% high school math failure.
5-16-11 at 9:36 PM: There's 2 kinds of unicorn hoarders: People that hoard unicorns and unicorns that hoard. Oh yes, and unicorns that hoard other unicorns. (Very rare).