Tuesday, June 28, 2011

When Married Unicorns Fight


Honey, where's our horn sharpener?

It's where it's always been.

Oh, okay.

So, where is that then?

Same place they have been for the past twelve years.

Oh, right.

I CAN'T FIND IT!

It's in the glitter drawer!  Look! You got to look.

Where's the glitter drawer?

IT'S IN THE KITCHEN!  IT'S ALWAYS BEEN IN THE KITCHEN!

Right, right.

Okay, it's NOT in the glitter drawer.

Did you dig your horn around?  You've really got to dig your horn around in that glitter to find the thing!

I'm digging, I'm digging!  I'm telling you, that thing is not in there.

You got to use the sharp nub of your horn to dig.  Are you using the nub?

YEAH, I'M USING THE NUB!  I'VE BEEN USING THE NUB THE WHOLE TIME! QUIT YELLING AT ME!

I'm not yelling at you. Are you sure you are looking in the glitter drawer?

Well, yeah. It's very sparkly in there.

NO, YOU ARE LOOKING IN THE SPARKLY DRAWER!  I SAID THE GLITTER DRAWER!

What's the friggen' difference?

One sparkles, one glitters. It's common unicorn knowledge.

Well, I can't find it. It's not in here.

AH, DO I HAVE TO FIND EVERYTHING FOR YOU?!

Look, it's right here under these mini-rainbows.  Right where I told you they were.

You didn't say they were under the mini-rainbows.  You said they were in the glitter drawer.

The mini-rainbows are IN THE GLITTER DRAWER!  That's exactly why I said you had to use your nub.  I don't think you were using your nub like you said you were.

I WAS USING MY NUB! Can't you see how it's all dull at the end?  And the spiral is a little faded. 

Fine, well here's your stupid horn sharpener.  You know you made us late for the rainbow hop?

OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!  YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS RAINBOW HOPS!  IT'S BECAUSE GERALD WILL BE THERE, ISN'T IT?!

*Thank you for reading and enjoying this marvelously fantastic piece on married unicorn fights. (Perhaps the best ever piece on married unicorn fights, according to the Writers Academy of Unicorns.) Please do not ask me if I have seen "Charlie the Unicorn" on YouTube.  I have seen Charlie the Unicorn, and this piece of writing has nothing to do with Charlie the Unicorn. 

** Now that I have asked you not to ask me if I have seen "Charlie the Unicorn" on YouTube in the comments, undoubtedly, some smart aleck will ask, "Have you seen Charlie the Unicorn?" I have accepted this as an inevitable truth.


***Okay, so the male unicorn in the story's name just so happens to be Charlie.  But that is purely coincidental.  Just because I named the unicorn Charlie, doesn't mean it is the SAME Charlie as in those silly YouTube bits. 


****I just realized that not once in the story did I actually tell you the unicorn's names.  The female unicorn is named Lucy and the male's name is Charlie, although he goes by "Chuck". 


*****Chuck the unicorn may or may not be related to Charlie the unicorn.  Despite his marital problems, Chuck is way cooler than Charlie. Charlie may be on YouTube, but Chuck is in talks with HBO to guest star in Entourage next season. 


******In conclusion, this is way better than Charlie the Unicorn.

43 comments:

Lost.in.Idaho said...

With the glitter vs sparkle debate, I had flashbacks. I argue with my gf on the differences between cuddling and snuggling ALL THE TIME.

ALL. THE. TIME...

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I wonder how this translates to humans? Or how it translates to YOUR life? Never mind, don't want to know more about the nub...

-stephanie- said...

You know...I was just fine with the unicorn fight, then you had to throw all those starred comments at the end. I am now confused.

laughingmom said...

You'd think that after twelve years of rainbows and unicorns the male would know better by now.

Summer said...

unless the looker removes everything from the drawer/cabinet/shelf and looks until the invisibility cloak falls off, the thing will remain invisible. Little knownaw of physics.

Not Blessed Mama said...

have you seen charlie the unicorn on youtube? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFCSXr6qnv4
you should check it out, it's really funny.

TisforTonya said...

I had to walk away from Charlie the Unicorn halfway through... my IQ was diving too rapidly.

Now, if he'd been arguing with his wife about a horn sharpener, I might have stayed :)

Leslie said...

WOW. I've had this fight. I didn't realize we were unicorns.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

I laughed out loud at this one. Very clever.

The Empress said...

You know who would love this and you'd probably get it published there which would make me see green.

McSweeney's.

They love unicorns.

I'm not even kidding.

Kristin said...

Way better and far less annoying.

Saimi said...

The whole finding thing is spot on,
nub or no nub!

Thanks for the laugh, and now since you sparked my curiosity, I think I'll be looking up Charlie the Unicorn on YouTube now!

The Bipolar Diva said...

Most definitely the best piece on married unicorn fights. The mini rainbows got me...hehe

Marnie said...

I wish I had a glitter drawer! Hilarious :0)

Oilfield Trash said...

Sounds vaguely familiar.

E.J. Wesley said...

Ah, fighting unicorns ... tale as old as time. :-)

mintifresh said...

Seriously tho, why is it the wife/mom is the only one who seems to know where everything is?? My husband didn't even know we had a sparkle drawer and a glitter drawer! What the what??

Susan in the Boonies said...

I loved this.

If the Unicorn's name is Charlie, then I suggest he touts dragon blood, and promotes "Mythical Winning".

TesoriTrovati said...

Ah. So that is why he can't find the right thing. He is not using his nub. I will remember that the next time my husband asks me where something is.
Way funny!
Enjoy the day, Cheese!
Erin

Jason, as himself said...

You are insane and I love it.

Amy said...

What happens behind closed doors, right? What a great exposition piece. Those unicorns, being all sweet and perfect all the time. It is nice to finally know the truth.

Mel said...

OMFG. I just had this exact. same. fight. Last night. With my unicorn.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Wanted to leave a comment, but everything I came up with sounded like I was trying to be dirty.

Jenn said...

Chris can't figure out the difference between the glitter and sparkle drawer either... geez, oh!!

Katie said...

I have always wondered where to put my horn sharpener. It all seems so clear to me now that it doesn't belong in the linen closet. It belongs in the glitter drawer.
Duh.
That makes MUCH more sense.

Silver Strands said...

I'm with "laughing mama" on this one!

M-Cat said...

A difference between the sparkly drawer and the glitter drawer? Good to know.

LOL

Desperate Housemommy said...

Yeah. Is there any male who DOES dig his horn around enough? Pshaw.

Impulsive Addict said...

You could turn these into best selling novels. Or maybe a children's book? You may have to change the names though. The copyright infringement could get out of hand.

You could be making millions in no time!!

Hope you're not teaching this summer. That would stink.

Pedaling said...

and this will never change...take it from somebody who has been a married fighting unicorn for over 20 years.

Christine said...

I have no idea who Charlie the Unicorn is, but this tale sounded like it came from my kitchen. When people ask for my help where something is in the house, heaven help them, if I find it first.

Powdered Toast Man said...

who the hell is Charlie the Unicorn? I know of Bob the Builder and Phil the Penguin.

Unknown Mami said...

Don't mess with the Unicorn, you'll get the horn every time.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

No, no no! I loved it until the CHARLIE reference. I had nightmares of him for weeks after those videos!

Hi I'm Rhonda. said...

what kind of person..er unicorn can't tell the difference between glitter and sparkles? seriously!

RaShelle said...

I swear, I can't believe you didn't find the horn sharpener in the glitter drawer. Sheesh! She explained right where it was. LOL

Vinny C said...

If I had a dollar for every time we argued over which drawer was supposed to be for sparkles & which was for glitter...

NerdyRedneck Rob said...

"You didn't say they were under the mini-rainbows. You said they were in the glitter drawer."

OK, one of th basic rules of marital happiness according to Robert Hienlien; "if in the course of an argument with your wife it shoul dever turn out you are correct, apologize at once!"

C'est La Vie said...

ohhh my gosh...it's been too long since i've been around and this was the perfect post to start catching up on hahaha

Missy said...

I am glad to know that others have a glitter drawer...

Emmy said...

Okay now I have to go find Charlie on YouTube.

Lourie said...

Does Chuck still have his kidneys? :P

MiMi said...

The lines about the nub could be interchanged with all kinds of stories....sad but true. :)