Friday, July 1, 2011

An Open Letter to my Junior High School Bully

Dear Junior High Tormentor that I shall call "Dillon",

I found you. You know, you really should protect your Facebook account.  You see, I now know everything about you and your pathetic little life.

You do remember me, right?  Abe, from Junior High?  Do you remember how you would make fun of me in the lunchroom and call me a "weirdo" and "not right in the head"?  Do you remember mocking me for my overabundance of facial acne, my crush on Tiffany (still hot) and my preoccupation with nerdy Chris Elliott comedies? Do you recall the time I broke both my legs skiing and when I came back to school, you called me a "loser cripple"?

Yeah, that was hilarious, right?

Oh, and let us not forget the time you dumped the contents of my backpack in the hall. That was killer awesome.

Now, look at you.  Just look at you.  Karma has its way of evening things out, right?  I mean, just look at you, what with your pathetic 4,000 square foot house on the hill.  How does that make you feel, Mr. Giant House?  Looks like Richie Rich has finally grown up and bought a place of his own!

Oh, I'll see your 4,000 foot palace and raise you a 2,000 foot 1950's bungalow with "potential" and "charm".

Win: Me.

It says here that you have become a lawyer.  Ha ha!  A lawyer of all things!  You do realize that people hate lawyers, don't you? How long did you have to go to go to school for that?  8 years?  And I bet you are making what, like $200,000 a year?  How does that feel, Mr. Bigshot?

Ha!  I only had to go to school for 6 years and I make $30,000 a year, which is only $170,000 less than you do, loser.  Plus, I actually like my job.

Win: Me.

Well, I see that you have stayed in shape; you still have that six pack. That was just always you, wasn't it?  Athlete of the year, All-State in every sport including Douchebaggery, jockstrap wearer, not afraid to shower in front of others; you seemed to have done it all.

Well, I know this much: I bet you've never run a full mile after pooping yourself.  And I am fairly confident that you have far less blog followers than I do.  My gut tells me you probably haven't even attempted to eat two Five Guys burgers in one sitting.

Win: Me

Look at this.  You've got pictures of your four adorable kids and your extremely plasticy wife. Congratulations.  I'm sure they'll make you batty with their constant arguing about who gets to take the Beemer and who gets to take the Benz.  Haha! Sucker.

Here, take a look at MY family.  That's right, my wife is 100% real AND beautiful. Get this, she even looks stunning in clothes purchased at dives such as The Gap. Not only that, but she manages to survive on my measly salary while taking care of these two cute boys that will NEVER, EVER ask to drive my Beemer.  Just my Hyundai.






















Win: Me. 

So, there you have it, you slimy little twerp.  GAME, SET, MATCH ABE!

PS: Does your firm handle bankruptcy claims?  Seriously, I hear you guys are the best!

46 comments:

Everyday Goddess said...

You are so the winner, he sounds like a creep. of course now i want to see his fb page.

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

You rule, dude, you really do.

And ONE more GFC follower to that Subway vlog!!!

RottenMom said...

You are clearly the WINNER by a long poopy mile!

Joan said...

I want to see his FB page too! We could message him, taunt him. ;)

Amanda said...

Your wife rocks. She had me when she was waxing your arm in stripes.

And yes, YOU win :)

Marnie said...

You are the better person. I was in a similar situation when growing up. From it I learned compassion for others and became a better person than my bully.

You did win. You have a beautiful wife (who doesn't need injections to stand out) and your kids are adorable. You are happy. No price can be put on that xo

Kari Nitzel said...

I knew I could pick out and become friends with winners! Love winners like you.

Win: Me!

Oilfield Trash said...

I would agree you are the one who has won.

Or as Charlie Sheen says, "Winning"

Antares Cryptos said...

Unexpected twist, well done.

And funny.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Reading this blog, and looking at his picture, I kept hearing two words in my head, repeating over and over:

ODOYLE RULES!

ODOYLE RULES!

You win... why? Because you harbor absolutely no resentment at all. You're mister high-road, yes you are.

Mel said...

Dude, what kind of a douchebag could be mean to somebody who broke BOTH legs at ONE time? Thank God for that Karmic payback that he is reaping;)

The Stiffs said...

I love this!!! You are the best!!! As my Gran always said, "Honey it's better to come in second and have everyone think you should have been first then to be first and have everyone think you should've been second." Said to my mother, the runner up of a beauty pageant.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Kinda concerned that this post is following on the heels of you losing the FB "like" contest yesterday. I'm sensing a lot of hostility.

-stephanie- said...

This is one of your funniest posts.
Who wants six pack abs? Pffft. Go Abe.

Janiece said...

I will take a real person over a platic any time!

I wound be taunting him of FB too!

TisforTonya said...

Yep, you win...

FB has turned us all into a bit of the creepy stalker type hasn't it?

Only after finding out that TWO of my ex-boyfriends were now Gay... well, some things I'd just rather not know!

Christine said...

Oh marry me I could be your second all natural wife.

Noelle said...

Where do you come from??? I've never known someone with as much wit as you have.

Leslie said...

Hey...not ALL lawyers are bad. Just the ones that were middle school bullies.

Kelly said...

I love how much you compliment your wife all the time. I know you are totally serious too, even with all your joking around.

And that my friend makes you a total winner in my book!

Cheryl said...

You Rock! What a cute family you guys are.

I hope all of that didn't really happen when you were little. Everyone needs some character builing experience but not that much. Two broken legs, holy crap!!!

I would doubt that anyone could top your sense of humor and your fun way of looking at things. ESP. a lawyer. I know a lot of them and typically they have no sense of humor at all. You Win.

Mamma has spoken said...

Funny thing about your post: I did find my high school bully on fb and he is the opposite of what you describe.
I found it fitting for him...

Joann Mannix said...

I can't believe anyone would ever bully you. I figured you'd stop the bullying with a well placed joke, guaranteed to distract the upending of the backpack.

And you're right, everyone hates attorneys, especially attorneys with 6 packs.

The Empress said...

You know you are the winner all around, Abe.

You have changed lives, your children and wife adore you, and you bring happiness with your posts.

You are clearly, the winner.

I don't hear anyone saying, "oh, I'm just SO glad Dillon was born."

We love you, Cheeseboy.

Lynn MacDonald said...

You are the winner...but sometimes, people who bully are really insecure and it's POSSIBLE, and i'm not saying it is, but it's possible that the person in question has grown up a little and feels badly about the way he treated people.

Just saying...I've been informed that i wasn't ALWAYS nice and i DO feel bad about it.

tammy said...

You tell him.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You rock!
Don't forget, you have fewer kids than that guy, which means less disappointment that you can't afford to send them to college. Right? Am I right? He has FOUR kids he has to send to college! A million dollars, down the drain.

dbs said...

With an education degree, you do much, much more for the world than your bully.

Jen said...

OK, Abe, you're at 703 followers...let's see it!
P.S. Your family is adorable...you definitely win.

Michael said...

All-State for Douchebaggery...awesome. I'll take Abe for the win.

Beth Zimmerman said...

Of course you win! :)

MrsPickle said...

You rock. Thankfully I don't recall who bullied me in jr. high, but I hope they're all fat. :)

Love your writing style. You've got a new follower :D

Kelloggsville said...

'loser cripple' ? No? Seriously? What a crock, no wonder he's a lawyer now and clearly so very unhappy and hey what a beautiful family you have, how much did you pay to hire those people to stand next to you ?!!

Mindy said...

Those who can, Teach.
Those who can't...become lawyers...

You win-hands down! :-)

Great blog, by the way, found it by way of Mr. Z's.

Tom said...

Funny stuff. I think the discussion is over when it comes to all of your blog followers.

"Miss Bee" said...

I heard that "Dillon" recently got hair plugs and one of his kids is actually Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Even if those are just rumors, you'd still be the winner.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

It sounds like...not only do you have multiple sister wife offers, you also have the admiration of men. Definite win.

Pedaling said...

reminds me of one of my favorite Toby Keith songs..."how do ya like me now?"

Donna said...

Love this, but I wanted to beat you up when I was finished reading the blog.

MiMi said...

Um, if his "jokes" on you were supposed to be funny, he obviously doesn't know what funny is. What a jerk.
You win. Hands down you win.

M-Cat said...

Oh Abe - this is a GOOD one! I went into it with a sense that it was gonna be kind of mushy and stuff and you pulled no punches with the laughs.

Win = Abe!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I really like this letter, Abe, especially since your reasoning was so unexpected. That tormentor is clearly a big loser. I hope he reads this.
xoRobyn

mintifresh said...

Douchebaggery! hahahah

Seriously best letter ever!

The Church Lady said...

You were born a winner, Abe! Don't let any JHS bully tell you otherwise!

BTW, I love the family portraits! Now there's one happy fam!

Pat Tillett said...

You are so darn funny! I'm sure that time you spent in prison, gave you much more street cred than that "bully" will ever have!

Teachinfourth said...

Abe, you are the winner. Sorry I was such a creep to you in school...thanks also for not using my real name, and protecting my secret identity.