Dear Junior High Tormentor that I shall call "Dillon",
I found you. You know, you really should protect your Facebook account. You see, I now know everything about you and your pathetic little life.
You do remember me, right? Abe, from Junior High? Do you remember how you would make fun of me in the lunchroom and call me a "weirdo" and "not right in the head"? Do you remember mocking me for my overabundance of facial acne, my crush on Tiffany (still hot) and my preoccupation with nerdy Chris Elliott comedies? Do you recall the time I broke both my legs skiing and when I came back to school, you called me a "loser cripple"?
Yeah, that was hilarious, right?
Oh, and let us not forget the time you dumped the contents of my backpack in the hall. That was killer awesome.
Now, look at you. Just look at you. Karma has its way of evening things out, right? I mean, just look at you, what with your pathetic 4,000 square foot house on the hill. How does that make you feel, Mr. Giant House? Looks like Richie Rich has finally grown up and bought a place of his own!
Oh, I'll see your 4,000 foot palace and raise you a 2,000 foot 1950's bungalow with "potential" and "charm".
It says here that you have become a lawyer. Ha ha! A lawyer of all things! You do realize that people hate lawyers, don't you? How long did you have to go to go to school for that? 8 years? And I bet you are making what, like $200,000 a year? How does that feel, Mr. Bigshot?
Ha! I only had to go to school for 6 years and I make $30,000 a year, which is only $170,000 less than you do, loser. Plus, I actually like my job.
Well, I see that you have stayed in shape; you still have that six pack. That was just always you, wasn't it? Athlete of the year, All-State in every sport including Douchebaggery, jockstrap wearer, not afraid to shower in front of others; you seemed to have done it all.
Well, I know this much: I bet you've never run a full mile after pooping yourself. And I am fairly confident that you have far less blog followers than I do. My gut tells me you probably haven't even attempted to eat two Five Guys burgers in one sitting.
Look at this. You've got pictures of your four adorable kids and your extremely plasticy wife. Congratulations. I'm sure they'll make you batty with their constant arguing about who gets to take the Beemer and who gets to take the Benz. Haha! Sucker.
Here, take a look at MY family. That's right, my wife is 100% real AND beautiful. Get this, she even looks stunning in clothes purchased at dives such as The Gap. Not only that, but she manages to survive on my measly salary while taking care of these two cute boys that will NEVER, EVER ask to drive my Beemer. Just my Hyundai.
So, there you have it, you slimy little twerp. GAME, SET, MATCH ABE!
PS: Does your firm handle bankruptcy claims? Seriously, I hear you guys are the best!