7-16-11 at 6:15 PM: It's ""Carmageddon" here in tiny Leeds, Utah! Seriously, a car drove by like 12 minutes ago.
7-15-11 at 3:53 PM: I am on vacation, but I don't want to look like I am on vacation, so I am wearing a tank top, white tube socks, Jesus sandals, man-capris and a black fanny pack. Blending in.
7-14-11 at 1:17 PM: People that say "I just love spending time with my kids" do not go on road trips.
7-12-11 at 8:39 AM: Ladies, you know who else wore feathers in their hair? American Indians. And we all know what happened to them. (They own casinos.)
7-11-11 at 2:24 PM: I've been to eight 7-11's today! 8! Only two more and I'll have enough free slurpee to fill my 22 ounce mug!
7-9-11 at 7:02 PM: I wish my 5 year old son had half as much excitement for cleaning his room as he does for pushing an elevator button.
7-7-11 at 8:16 PM: I'm afraid that a large portion of my Facebook friends are lying about stuff they actually "like" just to win free stuff. Can't trust them. Defriending all...
7-7-11 at 8:44 PM: The worst part of being a teacher in the summer is that when my wife finds glitter in my hair, I can't blame it on an art project.
7-6-11 at 11:59 AM: As a teacher, I love having summers off so I can spend more time yelling at my kids to go outside and do something.
7-4-11 at 3:01 PM: Happy Fourth of July everyone! (Unless you are a Jehovah Witness friend. In which case, happy regular day in July.)
7-1-11 at 4:52 PM: I went to the zoo the other day and jokingly asked a zookeeper, "So, how realistic is that new Zookeeper movie?" She laughed, said, "not very", closed the van door and then the gorilla drove her away.
7-1-11 at 3:27 PM: China had General Tso. America had Colonel Sanders. It's a shame they never met on the battlefield because they were both too chicken.
7-1-11 at 2:00 PM: I'm grasping at straws for something funny to post. Like a midget at the 7-11 soda fountain.
7-1-11 at 12:01 PM: Before sliced bread, people would say, "It's the best thing since regular bread." Or, "It's the best thing since knives."
7-1-11 at 9:16 AM: I remember a time when 3D movies were just the worst thing to do at Disneyland.
7-1-11 at 8:06 AM: When I saw my pet bunny had survived the amputation, I knew at that moment that my new rabbit's foot was indeed very lucky.
6-30-11 at 7:59 PM: Today I learned that just because the microwave popcorn bag says "Movie Theater" on it does not mean that they will microwave it for you there.
6-29-11 at 5:17 PM: I tell my kids: "Find a penny, pick it up, all the day you'll have good luck" does not apply if the penny is in a urinal.
6-27-11 at 8:53 PM: I always get confused if T.M.I. stands for "Too Much Information" or "Tell More Information!". Especially when I talk about my weird mole.
6-27-11 at 12:35 PM: My neighbor just came over and asked if we owned a fax machine. A fax machine?! I told him no, but he was welcome borrow my Sony Walkman, Commodor 64 computer or my calculator watch.
6-25-11 at 4:52 PM: A wetsuit is the comb-over of swimwear when worn at a water park.
6-24-11 at 7:59 PM: Deer friends,
I'd just like to say you are the best! I could not ask for better friends. I hope you know how much I appreciate you. And I am a little surprised that you are using facebook, what with your hoofs and all.
6-22-11 at 6:48 PM: Did you guys hear? Subway discovered you can put avocado on sandwiches! They're super excited about it too. Avocado! Not to be outdone, Burger King is currently researching putting bacon on hamburgers.
6-21-11 at 2:00 PM: Ever come home from a really long trip and you notice your house kinda smells and you wonder if you are the smelly family on the block and no one dares tell you? Asking for a friend.
6-19-11 at 6:30 PM: Famous Philadelphia cheese steak for lunch, greasy thin crust Phili pizza for dinner, this is the best kind of Philadelphia Father's Day heartburn!