Friday, July 22, 2011

My Open Email to Redbook Magazine, Inc. (CC: Uniformed Firefighters Association)

Dear Redbook Magazine,

I get it.  You guys really like firefighters.  What with their chiseled pecks and their gruff exterior, they are undoubtedly the Toblerone of female eye-candy.

Each and every year I eagerly await the release of your "Hot Husband" award.  I take it into the bathroom and flip through the pages, praying this is the year that I finally get recognized. And every year I am passed up for some shirtless firefighter with three kids that he playfully wrestles next to a man-made waterfall in his backyard.

Granted, my wife never actually enters me in your little contest, but I assume some woman has, given my obvious winsome looks, charming musty odor and my soothing dental hygiene. (Less than ten lifetime cavities!)

(Given the hundreds of women that have likely submitted my photo and my previous description of myself, I trust you will have no problem deciphering which entry I am.)

I'll be the first to admit that I am not exactly "calendar material", but that is only because there is not a calendar of steamy-hot, male First Grade teachers.  I mean, there could be a calendar, but we could probably only fill up to April and that's only after Mr. Fergussen has his hernia surgery and Mr. Rickerson has had his hair replacement redone.

Look, I have nothing against firefighters, they are a marvelous bunch of brave men.  But do you really have to just hand them this award every damn year?  Yeah sure, firefighters need MORE attention drawn to their overwhelming sexiness.  They've never quite lived up to their potential in that area, right?

Now, I am not saying that I deserve this award simply because the firemen have had their turn in the spotlight.  No, I deserve this award because I have earned it.  Have you not noticed that I still have a full head of hair?  Have you not seen the hundreds of photos of my "ab"?  You've undoubtedly seen the photo of my extortionate amount of arm hair waving wildly as I stood in front of an oscillating fan.  I just don't see what the problem is here.

And it's not like I've never put out a raging fire in my life either. Yeah, I've done my share of camping and I don't even think about using plain old water to put out the campfire.  Now you tell me what's more manly?

Beyond my obvious physical features that qualify me for the title "Hottest Husband", here are some things that would probably make your women readers swoon:

- I make nearly $35,000 a year!!!
- Kids (sometimes even my own) love me!
- I own a Hyundai Elantra (2004 with air bags AND cruise control!)
- I have above average grooming techniques
- .333 lifetime recreational league softball batting average.
- A+ blood type

I realize that it is highly abnormal for a man to nominate himself for your Hottest Husband award.  But like I said, I'm sure there has to be at least four or five women to have nominated me.  Please take my application under advisement and throw out any handsome firefighter applications you may have received.

Here are some photos of me for your reference that I recently have had professionally done.  (Feel free to use any of them as the centerfold for your issue.)



*I'll let you know if and when I receive a response from either Redbook Magazine or the Uniformed Firefighters Association.

58 comments:

Kristina P. said...

As my husband is officially a firefighter now, he walks around shirtless at all times. Funerals? Shirtless. Nursery leader? Shirtless. The new Justin Bieber movie? Shirtless. Although, I'm questioning if that has anything to do with him being a firefighter.

See you around the pages of Redbook!

Matt Conlon said...

You sure "Hottest" isn't referring to the thermal condition of the specimen? Of course they're "hot" they fight fires...

Susan in the Boonies said...

I think word got out about that waxing video...

Tom said...

As a fellow unappreciated man, I know what you are going through. I have been passed up every year for People magazine's sexiest man of the year.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Nothing turns my crank like a primary school teacher. It's that smell of rotting orange peels and gym shoes that ratchet up the hot factor. Oh, and let's not forget that green stuff janitors use to clean up kid puke. Baby...

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Oh Abe, I was about to nominate you but you went and blew it with that quiche admission. Still, you are the funniest and nicest male 1st grade school teacher in UT, whose writing is always hilarious, I know.
xoRobyn

Teachinfourth said...

Could I put in a petition for the 5th grade teacher calendar page while we're at it? I mean hey, if you're just going to let ANYBODY in Redbook...

P.S. Sorry, Abe.

Oilfield Trash said...

I agree with you.

Joan said...

Patience... I just know your day will come. Firefighters? Phhhtttttthhttt!

Cheryl said...

You've been robbed, Abe. With those qualifications you should demand a recount. If it doesn't go your way, does Highlights or Parents magazines do a "Hot Teacher" award. Those firefighters would be disqualified, thus improving your odds.

The Bipolar Diva said...

I say we get a petition going for next year!

The Stiffs said...

Practicing my signature for the petition.

-stephanie- said...

I bet if you elaborated about what kind of water you used to put out fires, you would be a shoo in. Plain old water sounds pitiful to me.

Noelle said...

Abe Stephanie has daughters...if she had sons who went to scout camp she would know what kind of 'water' you used. :)

Noelle said...

Wait...she does have a husband...I'll bet she knows. And if I could vote for you I would!

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

My blood type is A+, too. Clearly that must be the blood type of AWESOMENESS.

Impulsive Addict said...

$35,000? Dont move here. You'll take a pay cut. Sounds like Utah teachers are rich. Firefighters are overrated. I would totally vote for you.

Good luck!

Lene said...

Seriously what is wrong with Redbook?!?

The Jules said...

That's one manly blood group.

Glen said...

and then next year the prize can go to a stumpy Telecoms Engineer (the sexiest work group on the planet)

M-Cat said...

An excellent commentary on society. Underapreciating all the REAL men attributes. As a firt grade teacher, I know you have had to help wipe a runny nose or two - don't forget to include that in your bio.

And I'll be the first to sign the petition.

Melinda said...

I think you forgot to mention "Can kick a ball the highest of all the First Graders on the playground". That is an impressive skill!

Jenn said...

I tried entering you into that contest, but Chris found out and not only ripped up your picture but he set the letter on fire... I believe that is when I had to called in the hot firefighter down the street that has three kids and a man made waterfall - Sorry!

dbs said...

"Ab." Now that's hilarious.

laughingmom said...

I'm thinking that your EMT skills (putting trash can near sick child) should earn you honorary title of First Responder. Perhaps that will add to your obvious appeal in comparison with the other manly life savers.

Pat said...

Just a little word of advice? I wouldn't hold my breath. Just saying. I think you need to put an "s" after "ab" to qualify.

Nicole said...

Too freaking cute! Love it! I am sure you make your wife and kids proud!

;-)

Kate said...

First of all, I initially read your title as "Un-informed firefigters".

And then I lol'ed about your singular ab.

And then I thought, "what the heck, first grade teachers spend their days putting out fires!!"

And finally, when oh when will Redbook realize that funny IS sexy. And I mean that strictly in an "I really enjoy reading your blog" way, rather than a fatal attraction, stalkerish way. (sorry)

"Miss Bee" said...

Please tell me you are really going to submit this. Because if you don't, I'm totally mailing it in.

SueLovesCherries said...

Is there a non-uniformed firefighters association? How about a non-uniformed school teachers association?

Tony Van Helsing said...

You think it's bad ben beaten by firefighters? Try being beaten by their bloody Dalmatian.

TesoriTrovati said...

You have my vote, Abe. And I think that you would rock the 1st grade pin up calendar as well. Maybe even be the cover guy.
;-)
Enjoy the day.
Erin

Christine said...

Just move to a small town and become a volunteer fire fighter, you even get to wear a pager for those emergencies. How hot is that!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Dude, you just need your own calendar!

Simon said...

Your a sure winner next year!?!

Eva Gallant said...

Congrats on being selected as a Post of the Week! That was a really great letter, and I've no doubt you're a shoe-in for next year!

SueLovesCherries said...

P.S. - yes, the Transformers 3 movie was really good, unlike the second one. Continuous action - you feel like you need to rest and catch your breath when the movie's over!

"Two thumbs way up!"

Mamma has spoken said...

You could always pretend you are your wife and sumit yourself to Redbook......

That Janie Girl said...

Too funny! Congrats on the Goddess award! I'll be back!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Dear BOC:
I am most pleased to inform you that you have been named "First Grade Teacher, Hyundai-Driving, A+ Blood Type, Crazy Hat Wearing Hottest Man of the Year" by the Women's Blogging Union. Your trophy is in the mail. Congratulations. It was the oscillating fan arm hair photo that clinched it.

Melinda said...

Wait. You have an ab?! You truly do deserve that award.

Leighannn said...

If you don't get a nomination they could at least offer an honorable mention.
Or a free subscription.
Cause your "wife" reads it.

Lindzena said...

HAHA! Oh man, I am showing this one to the boy. He will get a huge kick out of this one.

Kelley said...

This was so funny! I really love the "ab" part. Ha! BTW, I also drive a Hyundai (Veracruz). I bet they'll be calling you very soon!!

Pat Tillett said...

I hear you! I started a fire once! On accident of course...
We get no respect!

Living Life said...

There is just something about those firefighters in their suspenders and big yellow rubber boots that turns women on.


BTW, I like your photos for submission, but I didn't see any with your 'ab'.

Joann Mannix said...

Ahhhh, firemen. I have been known to run into the busy streets of Chicago to wave at the passing truck stocked with those hot men. I have also been known to stop at the firehouses while walking down the streets of NYC for a photo op with firemen.

Sorry Cheese, but firemen are the essence of men, warriors of fire.

But you do have that ab and that rockin' bead necklace, there. I'm sure as soon as Redbook spots that, you'll be husband of the decade, maybe century! I mean, those beads are really awesome.

Emmy said...

Okay I was laughing through the whole thing- but the arm hair!!! So disgusting and hilarious. You know pre 9-11 you may have had a shot- but well since then people just really like fire fighters

Lourie said...

You also fight billions of bacteria every single day. Let's not forget that. Good luck with Red Book. ;)

That Janie Girl said...

I so think Redbook should publish this - and anything else you write.

That is all.

Bees With Honey said...

I would vote for you. You had me at First Grade Teacher!

Unknown Mami said...

You have totally been robbed. It's obvious that you should win!

Hart Johnson said...

Oh, Abe, I have no idea how you haven't been chosen. Are you sleeping with the right people? Because it's possible there is an audition process you're missing out on... I mean... it IS Redbook Magazine.

Connie said...

If you don't receive a call from Redbook, I'll be surprised!

mintifresh said...

If that doesn't get you in their magazine, they don't know what their missing!

And they may be commies.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Do you really want to be the centerfold of a magazine you consider to be bathroom reading material?

yogurt said...

Might be a great fund raiser idea. Should I pass it on to your school's PTO?

Congrats on your everyday goddess award, by the way. Not quite the same tier as hottest husband but close.

yogurt said...

+followed