Dear Redbook Magazine,
I get it. You guys really like firefighters. What with their chiseled pecks and their gruff exterior, they are undoubtedly the Toblerone of female eye-candy.
Each and every year I eagerly await the release of your "Hot Husband" award. I take it into the bathroom and flip through the pages, praying this is the year that I finally get recognized. And every year I am passed up for some shirtless firefighter with three kids that he playfully wrestles next to a man-made waterfall in his backyard.
Granted, my wife never actually enters me in your little contest, but I assume some woman has, given my obvious winsome looks, charming musty odor and my soothing dental hygiene. (Less than ten lifetime cavities!)
(Given the hundreds of women that have likely submitted my photo and my previous description of myself, I trust you will have no problem deciphering which entry I am.)
I'll be the first to admit that I am not exactly "calendar material", but that is only because there is not a calendar of steamy-hot, male First Grade teachers. I mean, there could be a calendar, but we could probably only fill up to April and that's only after Mr. Fergussen has his hernia surgery and Mr. Rickerson has had his hair replacement redone.
Look, I have nothing against firefighters, they are a marvelous bunch of brave men. But do you really have to just hand them this award every damn year? Yeah sure, firefighters need MORE attention drawn to their overwhelming sexiness. They've never quite lived up to their potential in that area, right?
Now, I am not saying that I deserve this award simply because the firemen have had their turn in the spotlight. No, I deserve this award because I have earned it. Have you not noticed that I still have a full head of hair? Have you not seen the hundreds of photos of my "ab"? You've undoubtedly seen the photo of my extortionate amount of arm hair waving wildly as I stood in front of an oscillating fan. I just don't see what the problem is here.
And it's not like I've never put out a raging fire in my life either. Yeah, I've done my share of camping and I don't even think about using plain old water to put out the campfire. Now you tell me what's more manly?
Beyond my obvious physical features that qualify me for the title "Hottest Husband", here are some things that would probably make your women readers swoon:
- I make nearly $35,000 a year!!!
- Kids (sometimes even my own) love me!
- I own a Hyundai Elantra (2004 with air bags AND cruise control!)
- I have above average grooming techniques
- .333 lifetime recreational league softball batting average.
- A+ blood type
I realize that it is highly abnormal for a man to nominate himself for your Hottest Husband award. But like I said, I'm sure there has to be at least four or five women to have nominated me. Please take my application under advisement and throw out any handsome firefighter applications you may have received.
Here are some photos of me for your reference that I recently have had professionally done. (Feel free to use any of them as the centerfold for your issue.)