Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The Only Time These Slimy Pick Up Lines Actually Work


So, do you come here often?

Why yes, I live here. My dad owns the place.  I have a little room in the back where I sleep and there's a little hole for my pigeons to climb in and out of.  I've decorated the walls with tin foil and glow-in-the-dark Hello Kitty stickers. There's not a ton of room and my 8 cats hate sharing one litter box, but that's the way it goes sometimes.  It's so nice of you to ask.  It's not often someone shows an interest in my home.

Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all night long.

No, they're not tired at all.  These are artificial legs.  I lost my legs in a freak spin class accident a couple years ago.  The fact that you thought my legs were genuine is actually quite a compliment.  I am highly attracted to you right now and your ignorance of my handicap makes you quite desirable.

I forgot my number, can I have yours? 


Why yes, I work for the phone company.  You wouldn't believe how many morons are forgetting their own phone number.  I'm not saying you are a moron, just that morons are constantly... forget it.  Anyway, you can reach me at 411.  You can ask for me, my name is Barbara, but any of the ladies there can help you with your lost number problem.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

Really?  Because I am an alphabet consultant for the US government and the President of the United States has asked me to start a special commission to look into rearranging the alphabet.  What you've told me makes perfect sense.  I'd like to hire you immediately. The pay is a measly 200 grand per year and  it's going to take a lot of one-on-one work and a lot of time together, but I think we can create something the President will like.  You in or what?

How does it feel to be the most beautiful girl in the room?

You do realize that we are at the Miss America After-Party and I came in 47th place, right?  Wait. Hold on... were you one of the judges?  You were, weren't you?  You were the one that actually voted for me!  I KNEW IT!  Thank you.  It's good to finally meet a man that knows beauty when he sees it.  Do you wanna get out of here?

31 comments:

The Stiffs said...

Thanks. I needed that laugh today.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I never timed it right...

Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking? said...

I've always been a fan of the "is that a keg in your back pocket?" line...

"'Cause if it is, I'd like to tap that..."

I'm classy.

Oilfield Trash said...

These were great!!!

dbs said...

Hilarious.

Eric said...

Cheesy one (hey, see what I did there) that has actually worked for me in Texas...


"Did you drop your nametag?"

*asks pretty girl while picking up sugar packet off table*

Bees With Honey said...

I hate to admit this but men have used some of those cheesy lines on me in the past. Let's just say I always had a really good comeback for them. They DON'T work!

Ha ha ... great post. Made me laugh. As usual.

Teachinfourth said...

Man, these never worked out for me; I'm glad your wife liked some of them...

Marlene said...

Oh my goodness....someone actually tried that #2 line on me a couple of years ago. Wish I'd had that answer!

M-Cat said...

Oh.my.crap! Do people even still use pick up lines? Cause they should. These ones. Totally hysterical!

Desperate Housemommy said...

I was on that alphabet-rearranging committee for a good six months before resigning. Grueling work. Not even worth the $200K, if you can believe that. So naturally, I'd LOVE to meet the schmuck who actually fell for that line. U and I together. Har! Good luck separating Q from U, buster.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I love them all! I need to use these to freak some weird men out now!

Lost.in.Idaho said...

I have used a variation of that last one. Ladies, let me know what you think:

"Hi, I'm Brandon. My friend over there bet me I couldn't start a conversation with the most beautiful girl here.... You wanna help me spend some of his money on drinks?"

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

That spin class accident response is the best. Love these all. Seems the last dude will have a good night.
xoRobyn

Leslie said...

Funneh.

Crystal Pistol said...

The last one worked out all right. I love a happy ending!

Funny stuff!

Jenn said...

LOL... I wish I would have come up with come back lines like that! One time a guy asked me if my feet hurt. I looked at him quizzically and he says because it's a long fall from heaven baby. LOL Really? Does that line ever work? Well maybe on a real angel it would!! lol

Joann Mannix said...

I could have used these back in the day. You know, when we painted our murals on our cave walls.

Which line got you your wife?

W.C.Camp said...

Gee thanks for the clarification. After all these years I finally understand why my wife never pays attention to my advances and prefers me to retreat! W.C.C.

Emmy said...

I think I only had one guy ever truly try to use a line on me... I don't even remember his name.

Great post- funny as always

laughingmom said...

Dang! I didn't know that last one was a pick-up line! I get asked that ALL OF THE TIME!! It's hard being so stunningly attractive, you know...

GrammyMouseTails said...

the guy in the photo kept asking the same girl these questions, right?
Studly dude... nahhh

Lazarus said...

Great lines Abe, and very amusing comebacks. I liked the Miss America one best...nicely done!

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

Just today (seriously):

So you're gonna be a Social Worker soon? (Context: I finish my degree in August)

Yea...

That must mean you're a social person...I talk to people...we should go on a date!

Epic facepalm.

Living Life said...

I wish I could be so quick and witty when I am thrown those one liners! hee hee.

Actually I was with my daughter recently when this boy walked passed her and said, "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk passed again?"

I didn't know boys that young knew any one liners!

Jessica said...

Nothing like some cheesy pickup lines to make your day better.

Pat Tillett said...

Too funny!
I always found that almost any line works on a totally drunken woman who is still alone right before the bar closes...

Unknown Mami said...

I really have a gripe with the arrangement of the alphabet, not so much with the beginning and end. It's the middle part that irritates me.

Powdered Toast Man said...

classic. very funny

Lisa said...

Ha,ha,ha... Thanks for telling us about your blog! I will definitely keep reading! :)

Dorothy Davis said...

Nice post. I've been reading and been told some of the cheesiest and best pick up lines before and sometimes I find them hilarious.