Wednesday, April 29, 2009
SWINE FLU!!!!! I AM A DEAD MAN!
Being the admitted hypochondriac that I am, this swine flu outbreak could be the worst possible scenario I may ever encounter. I want to protect myself (and my family). I need to protect myself (and my family). I DON'T WANT TO DIE OF SWINE FLU! There has to be something I can do. There has to be something I can take. Right now, I am just sitting back and waiting for the vicious bug to infect my body's "digestive", "nervous" and "REALLY nervous" systems. Stupid swine flu.
It's a good thing I am not a farmer. Farmers must be constantly dying of crap. Bird flu from the ducks, mad cow disease from the cows, chickenpox from the chickens and now the swine flu from the swine. Just wait until you see what the goats have in store!
Here's another thing... who calls pigs "swine" nowadays anyway?! It's like "they" (not really sure who "they" are, but "they" are out to get us hypos) are trying to scare us hypochondriacs even more by calling it the "SWINE flu". Just calling it the "pig flu" would lessen my anxiety level two or three strokes on the ole' hypo meter.
So I have begun researching the swine flu to find out it's symptoms and to quell (or more likely heighten) any of my unsubstantiated anxieties. Fortunately every major news site has 8 or 9 articles about pigs flying through the sky and spreading their dreaded flu with razor sharp fangs.
Actually, it turns out that swine flu is actually not even spread by pigs and that it is even safe to eat pork. The first article I read went into great detail about how pig, and pork, are innocent bystanders and their honorable name is being used unfairly to describe a horrific, deadly infestation. I guess it's still safe as long as it is kosher. Actually, maybe kosherizing the pork takes all the flu out of it? Just a thought.
I was interested to read the first article entitled, "Swine Flu Spreads Across the Globe". I learned all about the flu and it was described as "coughing, fever, vomiting" - pretty much... the flu. Being the infectious worry-wart that I am, I looked up another article, "Swine Flu now Inside the United States". This was even worse. Now the virus is creeping up on us like a sneaky, rabid possum on steroids - in fact, it is right in our backyard! Of course, the next article I read was, "Swine Flu Inevitable In Utah". Inevitable? Inevitable? I am a dead man. Do they still have plots available at the Murray City Cemetary?
I had to investigate further. My next article, "How to Protect Yourself from Swine Flu" was an engaging read and it suggested I wash my hands. That's it? Just wash my hands? Dang, I am actually going to have to start washing my hands?! What is this, a McDonalds kitchen about to be inspected by the Health Inspector?! I don't have time to brush my teeth AND wash my hands! I'm a busy man. Oh, and the article also suggested that I "wear a surgical mask". Perfect, I've got one of those in my "dress up" set at home. Sure, the kids generally never want to dress up like a boring doctor (I said generally. Of course, some kids are curious...), but I KNEW there was a reason I kept that old, moldy mask around.
My excitement for swine prep wained a bit when I read my next article, "Do Surgical Masks Really Prevent the Flu?" Of course, they only give 90% protection. A condom promises 98.8% protection! Which makes me wonder - why don't they make surgical masks out of the same material condoms are made of? That would boost the protection percentage up 8 points! Although, you would have to poke holes in the material so you could breath, and I am sure that would lower your protection considerably. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, the swine flu.
Alas, I am but a helpless and moronic man, left to wash my hands every half hour, stock up on duct tape and wear a surgical mask to go pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and I guess I will have to stop brushing my teeth to make room for all that hand washing. The swine flu is inevitable. As inevitable as death. Too bad they will both probably happen at the same time for me.