Wednesday, April 29, 2009

SWINE FLU!!!!! I AM A DEAD MAN!


Being the admitted hypochondriac that I am, this swine flu outbreak could be the worst possible scenario I may ever encounter. I want to protect myself (and my family). I need to protect myself (and my family). I DON'T WANT TO DIE OF SWINE FLU! There has to be something I can do. There has to be something I can take. Right now, I am just sitting back and waiting for the vicious bug to infect my body's "digestive", "nervous" and "REALLY nervous" systems. Stupid swine flu.

It's a good thing I am not a farmer. Farmers must be constantly dying of crap. Bird flu from the ducks, mad cow disease from the cows, chickenpox from the chickens and now the swine flu from the swine. Just wait until you see what the goats have in store!

Here's another thing... who calls pigs "swine" nowadays anyway?! It's like "they" (not really sure who "they" are, but "they" are out to get us hypos) are trying to scare us hypochondriacs even more by calling it the "SWINE flu". Just calling it the "pig flu" would lessen my anxiety level two or three strokes on the ole' hypo meter.

So I have begun researching the swine flu to find out it's symptoms and to quell (or more likely heighten) any of my unsubstantiated anxieties. Fortunately every major news site has 8 or 9 articles about pigs flying through the sky and spreading their dreaded flu with razor sharp fangs.

Actually, it turns out that swine flu is actually not even spread by pigs and that it is even safe to eat pork. The first article I read went into great detail about how pig, and pork, are innocent bystanders and their honorable name is being used unfairly to describe a horrific, deadly infestation. I guess it's still safe as long as it is kosher. Actually, maybe kosherizing the pork takes all the flu out of it? Just a thought.

I was interested to read the first article entitled, "Swine Flu Spreads Across the Globe". I learned all about the flu and it was described as "coughing, fever, vomiting" - pretty much... the flu. Being the infectious worry-wart that I am, I looked up another article, "Swine Flu now Inside the United States". This was even worse. Now the virus is creeping up on us like a sneaky, rabid possum on steroids - in fact, it is right in our backyard! Of course, the next article I read was, "Swine Flu Inevitable In Utah". Inevitable? Inevitable? I am a dead man. Do they still have plots available at the Murray City Cemetary?

I had to investigate further. My next article, "How to Protect Yourself from Swine Flu" was an engaging read and it suggested I wash my hands. That's it? Just wash my hands? Dang, I am actually going to have to start washing my hands?! What is this, a McDonalds kitchen about to be inspected by the Health Inspector?! I don't have time to brush my teeth AND wash my hands! I'm a busy man. Oh, and the article also suggested that I "wear a surgical mask". Perfect, I've got one of those in my "dress up" set at home. Sure, the kids generally never want to dress up like a boring doctor (I said generally. Of course, some kids are curious...), but I KNEW there was a reason I kept that old, moldy mask around.

My excitement for swine prep wained a bit when I read my next article, "Do Surgical Masks Really Prevent the Flu?" Of course, they only give 90% protection. A condom promises 98.8% protection! Which makes me wonder - why don't they make surgical masks out of the same material condoms are made of? That would boost the protection percentage up 8 points! Although, you would have to poke holes in the material so you could breath, and I am sure that would lower your protection considerably. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, the swine flu.

Alas, I am but a helpless and moronic man, left to wash my hands every half hour, stock up on duct tape and wear a surgical mask to go pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and I guess I will have to stop brushing my teeth to make room for all that hand washing. The swine flu is inevitable. As inevitable as death. Too bad they will both probably happen at the same time for me.

7 comments:

Lindsey V said...

I hate that they call it 'swine flu'. It sounds so... animal-y. It adds a little bit more scare to it. I wish they would have called it 'S flu' or 'flu 09' or something.

I do wonder though, if all the people who have died from it were all old people with lowered immune systems. Sometimes the news can be so vague.

Like when that bear attacked that boy in his tent a while back. My friends brother-in-law is the Utah Wildlife something or other and he said that the boy had food in his tent. We all know that you're not supposed to keep food in your tent. But here I am, afraid to ever sleep in a tent again for fear that bears are just attacking random tents. Why didn't the news tell us that part and just remind people about the food rule?

Tammy said...

Good point about the farmers! Last night on the news they said they want to call it the H1N1 flu or something like that because pigs are being insulted.

I sure do wish you had links to the articles you referred to. How else am I going to learn all that you've learned??? After all, I am a hypochondriac too and need to be protected!

Tammy said...

So Abe, if they come up with a special Swine Flu vaccine . . . . will you get it?

brermomo said...

I went into "the city" yesterday--on the Long Island RailRoad (LIRR). Nobody was wearing a mask. I then took the subway holding onto the railing when I went up and down the stairs (after all, I'm a LOL-little old lady). Richard and Bill navagated the stairs without the use of the hand rail at all. We then went to the MOMO (museum of modern art) where we were in crowds of breathing school groups and other types of people. I washed my hands three times there. Then we walked on the crowded NY streets over to Times Square where we went to "Thirty-one Variations" to see Jane Fonda, who was brilliant, by the way. The theater was very cold, so I think they were trying to freeze the virus. After that, we went to a NYC Mexican restaurant and ate pork. (Not really, but I would have if they'd had it on the menu.)At every turn I was washing my hands, but I have to say, the hardest thing, as usual for the past 60 years, was trying to keep from biting my fingernails.

At any rate, I woke up this morning feeling fit and fine.

Cheeseboy said...

Lindsey - everyone knows that you play dead when attacked by a bear. Maybe the kid was just a really bad actor?

Tammy - I will get the vaccine as long as I don't develop ADHD from it or something.

Aunt Margaret - your comment is perhaps the funniest comment I have ever had on my blog.

Charis said...

My dearest cousin, I would have to agree with you about Aunt Margaret's comment, quite humorous. I have also been asked to inform you that my brother-in-law's fiance has come accross your blog, via my blog, and she has started reading it everyday (which to be honest with you is more often than I read it) and she has also got all of the women at America First Credit Union in Ogden Reading it as well, everyday. You are the source of their entertainment and daily conversations, you make them laugh until they pee their pants (side note, America First Credit Union in Ogden must not smell very good) But she tells me she would be very flattered and feel very privledged if you would send a "shout out to Jess and the Girls at America First" I have now fulfilled my duties as a soon to be sister-in-law and informed you that you have a heram in Ogden, I hope Kathy does not mind.

Cheeseboy said...

Charis - I am honored that the ladies at AFCU - Ogden edition love the cheese blog. I think that I they will have a special post just for them when they arrive Monday morning. I'll get CRACKIN'!

By the way, exactly WHY aren't you reading my blog EVERY day? (J/K, well sort of J/K.)