Thursday, April 16, 2009

Cease to Exist Order - Food Edition

I hereby decree that the following foods must cease to exist because of their overall stupidity:

1. Drinkable yogurt. I'll admit, Cathi has been buying these in ultimate bulk it seems. But drinkable? Are we too lazy to actually use a spoon? Yeah, that dipping and lifting action is real work on my bachioradialis. I just can't take it anymore And didn't we have drinkable yogurts before anyway? They are called "smoothies". Do we now need to start calling milkshakes "drinkable ice cream"?!

2. Cookie Crisp. Once again, I have to admit, we seem to have bought our share of this crap lately. But honestly, what is the point? It's just cookies floating around in milk. Not exactly even part of a healthy breakfast. The funny thing is that Calder ate like five bowls in one sitting the other day. Cathi was amazed at his enormous appetite that day. I was thinking, "of course he ate five helpings, it's cookies and milk for breakfast." Don't even ask what he got for dessert.

3. Any microwavable popcorn that is not "Extra Butter", "Ultimate Butter", or at the very least, "Movie Theater Butter" flavored. The other day I accidentally had some non-buttered "healthy pop". I let that nasty crud fall to the floor while thinking "what the heck was that?! Somebody replaced my popcorn with packing foam." Once you have developed a taste for the rich, creaminess of buttered popcorn, eating butterless is kinda like drinking just plain water. Next you will be telling me that they have butterless, salt free popcorn! Wouldn't that be a little like swallowing air? You know what they say, "Once you've had butter, your heart's aflutter.... (from early onset heart disease)."

4. Skim milk. Okay, milk is not supposed to look like water - it's just not natural. If two cows were standing in a barn getting milked - and one of them saw that the other one had some clearish milk coming out of it's utters, it would be like, "Betsy - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Your milk is totally all watery and gross looking! Let Farmer Brown taste it! See, he even says it tastes like water! Who is ever going to want to buy watery milk from a sick cow? Health freaks and overanxious dieters that don't care if they pour water all over their Cookie Crisp?! You better hope so or Farmer Brown is going to put you down... and soon."

I have honestly heard people defend Skim Milk by saying, "Normal milk is just too creamy for me." Too creamy?! What the crud? Yeah, keep telling yourself that. The same thing goes for people that say, "Regular soda is just too sweet for me now." Okay, you started drink Diet Soda and now your taste buds are just too good for regular soda? What are you, some sort of soda yuppie? "Yeah, you can have your deliciously sugared normal soda - as for me and my house, we prefer our soda bland and with an ritzy aspertine aftertaste." Too sweet?! Sure, I can understand saying you don't want to gain weight, but to claim that something is "too sugary" makes you sound pathetic. What's next?...
I would never date Angelina Jolie because she is way too pretty. I like my girls to look like Susan Boyle. I used to like pretty girls, but now that I have gone ugly, I just can't think of pretty girls the same way.

8 comments:

Traci said...

We love drinkable yogurt at our house- here's why it's awesome. I can drink it in the car on the way to work, thus allowing me the extra 2 minutes it would have taken to eat that yogurt to sleep in. Only strawberry or strawberry banana though. Peach is just gross.

Kim said...

Hey, Susan Boyle has a sweet spirit. And a very lovely voice.

Tammy said...

Hilarious about Calder's big appetite with cookies and milk for breakfast!!

Lori said...

I'm with you on drinkable yogurt. That just sounds disgusting. If you can drink it...it should not be called yogurt.

Chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, count me in.

The popcorn thing is probably like the coke/diet coke issue. You like whichever one you are used to eating. We only buy the healthy stuff. It's good for you...and as a bonus, the kids don't get butter stains all over the couch. My favorite is the kettle corn healthy pop. It's got flavor, but still good for you.

And, in my opinion...any milk is disgusting. It doesn't matter what kind it is.

Lindsey V said...

I agree with the you on the popcorn. I've had some good popcorn and some bad popcorn and so for a while I did some personal tasting research on which brand is the best. What I found out is any brand is good when it is 'extra butter' or 'movie theater butter'. Light or healthy popcorn is the worst but even the plain regular popcorn isn't very good and it leaves a weird film in your mouth afterward. I have to have the extra butter popcorn.

Cheeseboy said...

Thank you Lindsay! Yes! Sorry Lori, if the best thing you can say about your popcorn is "it has some flavor", your popcorn probably sucks. My popcorn is bursting with flavor. Next time Ryan comes for a sleepover, I am giving him the good stuff - he'll probably never want your healthy pop again.

Traci - drinkable yogurt does actually taste okay for the most part and I guess it might be worth two extra minutes of sleep.

Ike said...

If you drink Diet soda and skim milk for 2 weeks you'll be used to it and won't think twice. I promise. At some point in your life you will try this and agree with me.

It won't however make non-diet soda and whole milk taste gross. In fact, sugar and cream will always taste good. That's why ice cream is popular. People who say otherwise are arrogant and prideful.

All of what I said can also apply to popcorn.

As far as yogurts go, just go with Gogurts. It's the best of both worlds.

Todd Lillywhite said...

I agree. If you are going to drink milk, do it right. Sometimes I even mix 2% with whipping cream on my Frosty Flakes. Live dangerously. It tastes so much better.