1. Drinkable yogurt. I'll admit, Cathi has been buying these in ultimate bulk it seems. But drinkable? Are we too lazy to actually use a spoon? Yeah, that dipping and lifting action is real work on my bachioradialis. I just can't take it anymore And didn't we have drinkable yogurts before anyway? They are called "smoothies". Do we now need to start calling milkshakes "drinkable ice cream"?!
2. Cookie Crisp. Once again, I have to admit, we seem to have bought our share of this crap lately. But honestly, what is the point? It's just cookies floating around in milk. Not exactly even part of a healthy breakfast. The funny thing is that Calder ate like five bowls in one sitting the other day. Cathi was amazed at his enormous appetite that day. I was thinking, "of course he ate five helpings, it's cookies and milk for breakfast." Don't even ask what he got for dessert.
3. Any microwavable popcorn that is not "Extra Butter", "Ultimate Butter", or at the very least, "Movie Theater Butter" flavored. The other day I accidentally had some non-buttered "healthy pop". I let that nasty crud fall to the floor while thinking "what the heck was that?! Somebody replaced my popcorn with packing foam." Once you have developed a taste for the rich, creaminess of buttered popcorn, eating butterless is kinda like drinking just plain water. Next you will be telling me that they have butterless, salt free popcorn! Wouldn't that be a little like swallowing air? You know what they say, "Once you've had butter, your heart's aflutter.... (from early onset heart disease)."
4. Skim milk. Okay, milk is not supposed to look like water - it's just not natural. If two cows were standing in a barn getting milked - and one of them saw that the other one had some clearish milk coming out of it's utters, it would be like, "Betsy - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Your milk is totally all watery and gross looking! Let Farmer Brown taste it! See, he even says it tastes like water! Who is ever going to want to buy watery milk from a sick cow? Health freaks and overanxious dieters that don't care if they pour water all over their Cookie Crisp?! You better hope so or Farmer Brown is going to put you down... and soon."
I have honestly heard people defend Skim Milk by saying, "Normal milk is just too creamy for me." Too creamy?! What the crud? Yeah, keep telling yourself that. The same thing goes for people that say, "Regular soda is just too sweet for me now." Okay, you started drink Diet Soda and now your taste buds are just too good for regular soda? What are you, some sort of soda yuppie? "Yeah, you can have your deliciously sugared normal soda - as for me and my house, we prefer our soda bland and with an ritzy aspertine aftertaste." Too sweet?! Sure, I can understand saying you don't want to gain weight, but to claim that something is "too sugary" makes you sound pathetic. What's next?...
I would never date Angelina Jolie because she is way too pretty. I like my girls to look like Susan Boyle. I used to like pretty girls, but now that I have gone ugly, I just can't think of pretty girls the same way.