Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Why I teach First Grade.
D day. I guess I shouldn't refer to it like that - it infers that something disastrous is going to happen tomorrow, when in fact, I'm expecting (or hoping for) giant, first grade ultra-smiles. I'm often asked why I teach first grade; most people are flabbergasted that I subject myself to such torture. The truth is, my ideal grade to teach is actually second grade - "the golden grade". I'm getting a little closer this year as I will be teaching much of the second grade curriculum to first graders. So technically, it counts, but it really doesn't count.
The reason I teach first grade is actually very complex. But, here it is... in a nutshell:
Kindergartners - Slobber, snot, slobber, snot. "Can you tie my shoes?", slobber, slobber, snot.
Second Graders - "I'm getting baptized! Can you come?" (12 + times/year)
Third Graders - Scraggly, saber toothed mouths.
Fourth Graders - Girls get snootier, boys get angrier, teeth get bracier.
Fifth Grade - Puberty + new stench = awkward conversations with parents.
Sixth Graders - Puberty + maturation program + sixth-grade-boy sense of humor = no thanks.
Seventh Graders - Have you been in a Junior High lately? It smells like the bottom of my dirty laundry mixed with the Laser Tag bathroom.
Eighth Graders - See above (+ even more sweat and less showering)
Ninth Graders - Boy/girl crazy
Tenth Graders - I think I would only be qualified enough to teach Driver's Ed and I like to live.
Eleventh Graders - At this point, many of the students are likely much smarter than I.
Twelfth Graders - Now this is a grade I could actually teach, but not a single Utah High School offers a course in "Sitcoms from the 80's".
And that's why I teach first grade.