Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am getting SOOOO OLD! (But I still kick butt at football)

I would have been okay if we would have made teams based on length of hair, like someone had suggested. I would have simply pulled up my shirt, proudly displayed my 8 inch chest hair, proclaimed myself the winner and we would have been done with it. Buy NOOOO... someone had to go and say, "Everyone line up - oldest to youngest."

Besides being the oldest child in my family, I don't believe I have ever been the oldest at anything in my life. I suppose that once at the age of eleven, I was the oldest kid in my swim class - but that was only because it was the last class available and it also didn't hurt that the teacher was a seventeen year old goddess by the name of Sarah.

(Actually, I do not remember what her actual name was, only that she looked like a young Jennifer Connelly. Her name may actually have been Sarah though. I was really into listening to Starship alone in my room at the time - and there were definitely storms operating in this girl's eyes.)

So, there I was, standing in left field, involved in a pickup game of football between men and youth - apparently the oldest man on the planet. I looked around. "I'm 33", I thought. Certainly, with all these guys here with clearly shorter chest hair, there must be SOMEONE older than 33.

And then it dawned on me: I was perhaps the only person out there that had even heard the "Sarah" song. Further, I was probably the only chum on the playing surface that had even considered building a city on rock and roll. Seriously, had any of these freckle-faced innocents even thought about getting out of my dreams and into my car? (Okay, I am not sure that reference even makes sense because: 1. I am not sure that is even a Starship song - and - 2. Their not in my dreams and why would I want any of them in my car? I drive a Hyundai Elantra... A Hyundai Elantra! I wouldn't want to get it all sweaty.)

I'm still trying to get over the shock of being "the oldest". Sure, I have begun to notice signs of my immanent aging (death). For example, every time I step on a toy, my first instinct is to light it on fire and throw it across the room while screaming obscenities at it. Lately, I have also been catching myself saying things like "young man". "Young man, will you please bring me my seltzer to settle my stomach?" Happens all the time. Finally, I got up to go to the bathroom three times last night! It was weird because the only thing I had to drink was all that seltzer that nice young man had brought me.

I saw the other day that Brendan Frasier had just turned 41. Keanu Reeves is almost 46. Yes, they are awful actors, but they are also older than me and I find the fact that they are both older and awful oddly comforting. Tiger Woods is two months older than me and whenever he calls, he asks that I don't peak before he does.

I guess I can only expect more and more of being the elderly man on duty. In my years I have gained wisdom - double the wisdom than most wise people half my age. Thus, I have four times the amount of wisdom as a wise person that is seventeen. I have ten times the wisdom of a stupid seventeen year old. (I just did the math).

Nothings gonna stop me now

Therefore, I am old, wise and still play football like a pro. In fact, here is some footage of our game the other day. (I am the handsome guy. For some reason, some camera guys from Wrangler showed up to watch me play)


lindsey v said...

Please don't tell me that you think it says "storms operating in her eyes" when it really says "storms are brewing in her eyes".

Operating? Is that real? Or are you just making fun of all the people who know the real words like myself. Great, now we all know just how big of a nerd I really am.

I guess I will say goodbye now, even though no time is a good time for goodbye.

Cheeseboy said...

Lindsey - I honestly thought it was "storms operate in her eyes" - which makes no sense at all. I'm sorry you had to correct me - but it did make it hilarious.

Tammy said...

I've always hated that Sarah song!!!