I would have been okay if we would have made teams based on length of hair, like someone had suggested. I would have simply pulled up my shirt, proudly displayed my 8 inch chest hair, proclaimed myself the winner and we would have been done with it. Buy NOOOO... someone had to go and say, "Everyone line up - oldest to youngest."
Besides being the oldest child in my family, I don't believe I have ever been the oldest at anything in my life. I suppose that once at the age of eleven, I was the oldest kid in my swim class - but that was only because it was the last class available and it also didn't hurt that the teacher was a seventeen year old goddess by the name of Sarah.
(Actually, I do not remember what her actual name was, only that she looked like a young Jennifer Connelly. Her name may actually have been Sarah though. I was really into listening to Starship alone in my room at the time - and there were definitely storms operating in this girl's eyes.)
So, there I was, standing in left field, involved in a pickup game of football between men and youth - apparently the oldest man on the planet. I looked around. "I'm 33", I thought. Certainly, with all these guys here with clearly shorter chest hair, there must be SOMEONE older than 33.
And then it dawned on me: I was perhaps the only person out there that had even heard the "Sarah" song. Further, I was probably the only chum on the playing surface that had even considered building a city on rock and roll. Seriously, had any of these freckle-faced innocents even thought about getting out of my dreams and into my car? (Okay, I am not sure that reference even makes sense because: 1. I am not sure that is even a Starship song - and - 2. Their not in my dreams and why would I want any of them in my car? I drive a Hyundai Elantra... A Hyundai Elantra! I wouldn't want to get it all sweaty.)
I'm still trying to get over the shock of being "the oldest". Sure, I have begun to notice signs of my immanent aging (death). For example, every time I step on a toy, my first instinct is to light it on fire and throw it across the room while screaming obscenities at it. Lately, I have also been catching myself saying things like "young man". "Young man, will you please bring me my seltzer to settle my stomach?" Happens all the time. Finally, I got up to go to the bathroom three times last night! It was weird because the only thing I had to drink was all that seltzer that nice young man had brought me.
I saw the other day that Brendan Frasier had just turned 41. Keanu Reeves is almost 46. Yes, they are awful actors, but they are also older than me and I find the fact that they are both older and awful oddly comforting. Tiger Woods is two months older than me and whenever he calls, he asks that I don't peak before he does.
I guess I can only expect more and more of being the elderly man on duty. In my years I have gained wisdom - double the wisdom than most wise people half my age. Thus, I have four times the amount of wisdom as a wise person that is seventeen. I have ten times the wisdom of a stupid seventeen year old. (I just did the math).
Nothings gonna stop me now
Therefore, I am old, wise and still play football like a pro. In fact, here is some footage of our game the other day. (I am the handsome guy. For some reason, some camera guys from Wrangler showed up to watch me play)