So, I'm sorta, kinda back to blogging. Really, I am just copying and pasting. However, it is very complicated copying and pasting, so that counts for something, right? Anyway, here are this week's tweets. Feel free to read them or don't. It's entirely up to you.
There was an old lady who swallowed a cat. (It's fine though. She has like 11 more.)
I wish there was a Christmas movie in which some sort of chaos happens to an unsuspecting family.
"Pum Pa Rum Pum Rum Pa Pa Rum" ~ Drunk Little Drummer Boy
When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."
My steps to wrapping gifts: 1.Wrap 2.Tape 3.Looks like crap. 4.Unwrap it and just shove it in one of those decorative gift bag things.
Went and saw a play of "The Christmas Carol" tonight. It was total crap. Scrooge didn't even have a duckbill!
My 6yo son:What are those top things you spin for chocolate coins called? Me: Dreidel? Son: Yeah dad! I want one of those for Christmas.
I think this owl and this raven are in caw hoots.
When one door closes, another one opens. Maybe the same door, especially if there are no other doors in the room. You have to leave sometime.
I once I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Which is weird because we were Jewish.
Hey people posting the picture of Santa kneeling by the manger on Facebook: I don't think that is historically accurate.
I've never once in my life heard a bus driver say, "Move on back."
FYI guys: Aquafresh means "Water fresh" in Spanish.
"Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" is my favorite Christmas song about the death of a grandmother.
'Tis the season to abbreviate "it is".
Just finished putting up a single strand of Christmas lights on my house that says "Jewish".
I told the worker at Target that the shepherds and wise men would have loved the way he straightened up the fake Christmas tree display.
Son: Dad, was the manger filled with peas? Me: No, why? Son: The song, 'sleep in heavenly peas'. Me: Oh, yes! Yeah, it WAS filled with peas!
I'm so hairy, I go shirtless to ugly sweater parties.
Ate lunch at Sizzler today and now I am 84 years old.
What I've learned from Glee is a bunch of people of different races, sexual orientations & disabilities can unite to make a pile of crap.
My lucky Secret Santa recipient is going to be ecstatic when she sees that her desk has been coated in a layer of Axe Body Spray tomorrow!
A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you feed the Elf-On-The-Shelf after midnight or get it wet, it will turn evil & attack you.
Don't let folks tell you that you'll never amount to anything. I mean look at me, I was a goof-off in school & now I write jokes on Twitter!
"HOLY COW!" ~ Hindu farmers
The Whopper is 55 years old! Well, not *this* Whopper. Well, maybe this Whopper. I'll let you know, just a second.
A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.
My kids once asked how I met their mother. Ten years later I'm still telling the story and they have totally lost interest.
Sure glad I paid the extra two bucks to see the live nativity instead of the dead one.
Thank goodness that singing farmer named his dog "Bingo" and not his first choice, "Buttsniffs".
I'm amazed at how young and vivacious Cindy Crawford's mole has stayed.
The handsoap in this Bed Bath and Beyond bathroom tastes so much more tart than at Target.
The world's greatest idiot test is to see who clicks "reply all" to a mass company email.
FYI: No matter how much you offer to pay, they will not allow you to replace the stuffing in your taxidermied pets at the Build-A-Bear.