Friday, December 7, 2012

This Week's Tweets!

I know, I've kinda given up on the blog.  I feel guilty about it.  But I'm going to start posting my week's worth of tweets on this blog every Friday for you to enjoy and for me to keep track of.

So, I'm sorta, kinda back to blogging.  Really, I am just copying and pasting.  However, it is very complicated copying and pasting, so that counts for something, right?  Anyway, here are this week's tweets. Feel free to read them or don't. It's entirely up to you.

Remember me? 


There was an old lady who swallowed a cat. (It's fine though. She has like 11 more.)

I wish there was a Christmas movie in which some sort of chaos happens to an unsuspecting family.

"Pum Pa Rum Pum Rum Pa Pa Rum" ~ Drunk Little Drummer Boy

When people ask, "Don't I know you from somewhere?", I reply "Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy."

My steps to wrapping gifts: 1.Wrap 2.Tape 3.Looks like crap. 4.Unwrap it and just shove it in one of those decorative gift bag things.

Went and saw a play of "The Christmas Carol" tonight. It was total crap. Scrooge didn't even have a duckbill!

My 6yo son:What are those top things you spin for chocolate coins called? Me: Dreidel? Son: Yeah dad! I want one of those for Christmas.

I think this owl and this raven are in caw hoots.

When one door closes, another one opens. Maybe the same door, especially if there are no other doors in the room. You have to leave sometime.

I once I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. Which is weird because we were Jewish.

Hey people posting the picture of Santa kneeling by the manger on Facebook: I don't think that is historically accurate.

I've never once in my life heard a bus driver say, "Move on back."

FYI guys: Aquafresh means "Water fresh" in Spanish.

"Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer" is my favorite Christmas song about the death of a grandmother.

'Tis the season to abbreviate "it is".

Just finished putting up a single strand of Christmas lights on my house that says "Jewish".

I told the worker at Target that the shepherds and wise men would have loved the way he straightened up the fake Christmas tree display.

Son: Dad, was the manger filled with peas? Me: No, why? Son: The song, 'sleep in heavenly peas'. Me: Oh, yes! Yeah, it WAS filled with peas!

I'm so hairy, I go shirtless to ugly sweater parties.

Ate lunch at Sizzler today and now I am 84 years old.

What I've learned from Glee is a bunch of people of different races, sexual orientations & disabilities can unite to make a pile of crap.

My lucky Secret Santa recipient is going to be ecstatic when she sees that her desk has been coated in a layer of Axe Body Spray tomorrow!

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you feed the Elf-On-The-Shelf after midnight or get it wet, it will turn evil & attack you.

Don't let folks tell you that you'll never amount to anything. I mean look at me, I was a goof-off in school & now I write jokes on Twitter!

"HOLY COW!" ~ Hindu farmers

The Whopper is 55 years old! Well, not *this* Whopper. Well, maybe this Whopper. I'll let you know, just a second.

A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

My kids once asked how I met their mother. Ten years later I'm still telling the story and they have totally lost interest.

Sure glad I paid the extra two bucks to see the live nativity instead of the dead one.

Thank goodness that singing farmer named his dog "Bingo" and not his first choice, "Buttsniffs".

I'm amazed at how young and vivacious Cindy Crawford's mole has stayed.

The handsoap in this Bed Bath and Beyond bathroom tastes so much more tart than at Target.

The world's greatest idiot test is to see who clicks "reply all" to a mass company email.

FYI: No matter how much you offer to pay, they will not allow you to replace the stuffing in your taxidermied pets at the Build-A-Bear.


gina valley said...

I think everyone on twitter should do this then we wouldn't have to go to twitter.

tammy said...

I'm glad you're doing this because I haven't figure how the whole Twitter thing works. And now I feel really, really old for saying that.

mintifresh said...

I love that you're doing this because the only reason I got on twitter was to see the rest of your jokes but I get totally lost every time I get on there!!

Miss Bee said...

Which one did the best on twitter? Those of us who are twitter idiots should guess. If I was a retweeter, I would have taken "The world's greatest idiot test is to see who clicks "reply all" to a mass company email."

And I don't get the one about "Move on back." I guess I have not ridden enough buses.

joan said...

Welcome back! I read blogs these days. So much easier than posting. ;)

Cheeseboy said...

The most popular tweet of these BY FAR was

"What I've learned from Glee is a bunch of people of different races, sexual orientations & disabilities can unite to make a pile of crap."

2nd most popular was the one about abbreviating It is

Tom said...

Welcome back to prehistoric blog land. I've seen most of those on Twitter or FB, but I like the weekly re-cap.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Too many to choose from!
Good to hear from you! Sorry, don't hang on Twitter enough to catch these, so glad you are posting.

mCat said...

Briliant idea! I get to laugh TWICE!

The dreidel one has me laughing still

Living Life said...

Glad you are keeping track here, as it seems I've missed some of those on FB and I don't Twitter often.

As always, thanks for the laugh CB!

BTW, I love the photo you posted with the baby. Gosh, they grow fast don't they?

Keetha Broyles said...

Fun Tweets.

Don't feel guilty about your blog! A blog is a hobby to make you happy, not guilty. Sometimes one just does go through bloggy dry spells.

Antares Cryptos said...

Since I'm not on twitter, I get to laugh here.
Ya see? Completely irrelevant comment in under 140.

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Baby Sister said...

Welcome back. Ish.