Friday, December 28, 2012

Another week of jokes written by me.

Alright, another week of Tweets down the drain.  This week was a rough one for me as I changed my avi to an actual picture of myself instead of a cartoon.  That way, if I'm ever internet famous, people will know I'm real.  As a result of the change, people did not recognize me and did not star and RT as prevalently.

Also, that old avi is just one I found online and I was scared of getting sued.

Well, here they are. The jokes I wrote this week and their stats.


Me? Oh I'm just standing with 87 other men, staring at various women's body lotions in this Target cosmetic aisle. (36 RTs, 170 stars)

My nomination for dork of the year goes to the guy at the Mumford and Sons concert playing the air banjo. (25 RTs, 130 stars)

I am the world's worst wrapper and also the worlds worst rapper. (11 RTs, 98 stars)

FYI: When renting a Christmas movie for your kids, there's a big difference between "A Chip & Dale Christmas" & "A Chippendales Christmas" (13 RTs, 94 stars)

Guys, I am like 95% sure that Tom Arnold is playing Joseph in this live nativity! (5 RTs, 74 stars)

Posting my jokes on Facebook is like begging people for a long, stupid @ reply. (7 RTs, 97 stars)

The Wafle House is not actually made of wafles guys. I tasted it. (17 RTs, 110 stars)

Trimming the Festivus pole. (11 RTs, 63 stars)

If they ever make a movie of my life, I hope it is in claymation and I am played by the most handsome California Raisin. (12 RTs, 97 stars)

Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid's heart by using the threat of Santa's naughty list throughout the entire year. (11 RTs, 113 stars)

I put a giant marble in the hippo cage and just as I thought, it went straight out its butt. (6 RTs, 83 stars)

Recipe idea: Stuff candy cane & gingerbread in your turkey to make a festive stuffing! Ladies, you may pin this idea on your pinny website. (8 RTs, 87 stars)

What the bible doesn't say is that the stable had a Fitness Center On-Site & Same Day Dry Cleaning. Really, more of Holiday Inn Express. (8 RTs, 86 stars)

7-11 has a beautiful assortment of gift cards. (11 RTs, 93 stars)

This party has Michael Buble playing, ugly sweaters & organic hors d'oeuvres. Looks like it will be a white Christmas after all. (32 RTs, 121 stars)

Deleted verse: Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, Do you smell what I smell? (16 RTs, 105 stars)

Anyone know the fastest and quietest way to break up a 200 pound block of coal? (12 RTs, 83 stars)

My favorite yearly fatherly torture: "You boys have to wait for me to take a shower before we open presents." (15 RTs, 87 stars)

I've only stepped on two Legos so far today. A Christmas miracle! (33 RTs, 123 stars)

Giving a kid a Lego set is like saying, "Here, I hope your parents aren't busy for the next couple days." (21 RTs, 116 stars)

Anne Hathaway's voice is so good in Les Mis, it almost makes you forget how weird looking she is. (18 RTs, 97 stars)

My 10yo son wanted to be the "spitting camel that spits in people's faces" for tonight's nativity reenactment. I've never been so proud. (10 RTs,112 stars)

New shoulder workout idea: Go to a concert and lift girls up on them. The bigger the girl, the better the workout. Do at least 8 reps. (5 RTs, 58 stars)

I changed my avi to my actual photo. Let the unfollowing commence. (4 RTs, 77 stars)

A fanny pack would be the perfect place to keep orphaned baby kangaroos. (10 RTs, 77 stars)

My kids beg me to put on Arcade Fire & scream for mercy when Taylor Swift comes on the radio. It's called parenting. People should try it. (9 RTs, 65 stars)

Remember that dude with the giant head made of cheese? That's me. I changed my avi. Same average jokes though. (8 RTs, 94 stars)

Talking about your quercitin & kaemperfol filled, pesticide-free, organic apple every day keeps everyone away (8 RTs, 56 stars)

I won't let my son eat a carrot that fell on the floor, but I will let him eat an icicle from the bottom of a dirty Oldsmobile. Parenting. (22 RTs, 92 stars)

Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results. Or... going shopping for pants with a woman. (30 RTs, 79 stars)

I'd watch an all-Ninja Turtles cast version of Les Mis. (13 RTs, 61 stars)

An invitation into the back of a van is either going to end really well or really badly. (9 RTs, 51 stars)

Kept asking for breadsticks at Olive Garden until I had enough to build fort. When waiter came to fill my drink, I said, "I'm in the fort." (14 RTs, 74 stars)

I think people thought I was funnier back when my head was a giant block of cheese. (7 RTs, 62 stars)

Discreetly got the wedged underwear out of my butt without using my hands. Also, you probably don't want to buy a broom from this Target. (29 RTs, 83 stars)

Parents, don't let your kids listen to Kidz Bop. It is the gateway drug to liking Glee later in life. (18 RTs, 65 stars)

Some things are easily forgotten, but an unfriending on Facebook? That lasts forever. (9 RTs, 58 stars)


Keetha Broyles said...

Are those two your sons? They sure are cuties.

Tony Van Helsing said...

I wouldn't watch Les Mis even with Ninja Turtles and Transformers in it.

sprinkles said...

Your kids are adorable!

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Marnie said...

You're back! Yay! I'm glad I checked back here.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Has the prodical blogger returned??

Powdered Toast Man said...

Things are always funnier coming from a head made out of cheese.

Jess Wilson said...

So glad you kept the blog going!! Hilarious as ever!! :D