Friday, December 21, 2012

The Twitter Posts of this Week

Another week down, another week of tweets.  My current follower count stands at 10,279. Here is the nonsense I wrote this past week.


Got my wife a gift card to the store "Library" for Christmas. Guy told me it was good for anything there & they have a great return policy! (18 RTs, 105 stars)

Okay Facebook, we've got that Mr. Rogers quote. You can stop now. (9 RTs, 102 stars)

Michael Buble singing "Santa Baby" just came on the radio and I changed the station. I JUST SAVED CHRISTMAS! (14 RTs, 93 stars)

My week on Twitter: Wasted a bunch of time. (74 RTs, 183 stars)

If you're wondering why we're not friends anymore, it's because of that one time you spoke to me in a fake British accent. (24 RTs, 137 stars)

f you reference one of your old tweets in a new tweet, know that I'm too lazy to go back and and read it. (6 RTs, 106 stars)

I am getting fatter. My wife seems to be getting even hotter. I call this the "90's Sitcom Husband Paradigm". (61 RTs, 222 stars)

I've found that the best way to get all your ducks in a row is with a massive amount of duck tape. (30 RTs, 130 stars)

You know who's a cold hearted snake? I'll give you three hints: 1. It's a male. 2. He's cold. 3. He knew Paula Abdul in 1989. (14 RTs, 90 stars)

Just finished "liking" every single one of my Facebook friend's statuses for the past 16 months. Man, I am going to be so popular! (19 RTs, 140 stars)

Hey first graders, I know you are talking about your Yugioh cards, but beyond that, I don't have a clue what you're saying. (4 RTs, 90 stars)

Christmas tip: Keep an insulting, large-breasted British man in your closet to ridicule carolers as they leave your doorstep. (7RTs, 91 stars)

A cute thing I tell my kids is that last year our chimney gave Santa a horrible case of pneumoconiosis or miners lung. (14 RTs, 131 stars)

I just ate soggy waffles and now I have lost all sense of direction. (13 RTs, 110 stars)

You're so lucky I was chosen to be your Secret Santa because my new high-powered binoculars have allowed me to know exactly what you want. (21 RTs, 139 stars)

It's a good thing this Target has hatchets on sale so I can chop down the unnecessary plastic pine trees growing in the seasonal department. (8 RTs, 114 stars)

One of the best things about teaching first grade is that nobody suspects the teacher for the smell. (31 RTs, 155 stars)

Thanks for the $20 card to Macaroni Grill. Here's your $20 card to Olive Garden. What was the point of this again? ~ Coworkers at Christmas (111 RTs, 234 stars)

Pomegranates are just annoying grapes. (13 RTs, 134 stars)

Well Time Magazine passed me by again, but I'm still in the running to be named "Man of the Year" by over 800,000 mommy blogs! (4 RTs, 78 stars)

You'd probably look like Macaulay Culkin does today too if your mom had abandoned you on Christmas Eve. (8 RTs, 76 stars)

Holiday stalking tip: Start singing carols while you're hiding in their closet to bring some Christmas joy to the season! (13 RTs, 96 stars)

After each haircut, I give my SuperCuts stylist a lock of my hair in a frame & say, "I think we'll both remember this day for a long time". (15 RTs, 122 stars)

Today's greatest actors have all played historic figures: Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln, Colin Firth as King George, Tim Allen as Santa Clause (8 RTs, 86 stars)

Don't take the "Christ" out of Christmas. Don't take the "mas" out either. Also, don't take the "rist" out, you'd have Chmas. Sounds Jewish. (28 RTs, 127 stars)

Mark Wahlberg packed on 40 lbs for his next role as a bodybuilder. Interesting because I've packed on 40 lbs for my role as "fat dopey guy". (10 RTs, 110 stars)

If you say, "You get what you get", I can promise you, I will be throwing a fit. (5 RTs, 82 stars)

Go to the Les Miserables premier in a Phantom of the Opera mask. Walk out in the middle of the movie while yelling "WELL THIS IS BULL CRAP!" (16 RTs, 99 stars)

Carpe Diem or as they Mayans would say, "Tomorrow you die." (13 RTs, 75 stars)

It's time to get busy living or get busy Mayan. (41 RTs, 133 stars)

Mistletoe does not fix ugly. (23 RTs, 84 stars)

First the Mayans say the world will end today and then they take it back. I wish there was a term for people like that. (31 RTs, 85 stars)

It's pretty creepy that Madonna would sing to Santa's Baby like that. (7 RTs, 63 stars)

A cute thing I tell my kids is that the more Christmas inflatables you have on your lawn, the more Santa hates your guts. (14 RTs, 59 stars)

I appreciate and love all my Twitter followers so much that this Christmas I'm getting every one of you a Google+ invite. (4 RTs, 50 stars)

No comments: