Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The BlogHe Conference

If you've been around the blog world any reasonable amount of time, you have almost certainly heard of the blog conference known as "BlogHer".  Even though I have seen this fountain of thick, rich estrogen referenced thousands of times over the years, I am still not sure what these women bloggers do together for three full days.  (Please do not tell me, I honestly do not want to know and even if I did, I would likely lose interest after your first sentence.) 

As a seasoned blog veteran of 3+ years, I've also become acutely aware that there is not a BlogHe conference for the 14 of us men bloggers to enjoy.  I've given this some thought and I've even come up with a schedule for the first day.  (We could probably hold it in my basement, but I'd have to get the okay from my wife first.)

BLOGHE 2011 
Day 1 Agenda

8:00 - 9:00: Breakfast.  
9:00 - 9:15: Breakfast digestion allowance time.
9:15 - 10:00:  Group discussion - the highs and lows of the breakfast.
10:00 - 11:00: Guest Speaker - How to blog and look aloof to the fact you are blogging.
11:00 - 11:15: Snacks
11:15 - 12:15: Backgrounds - Black or white? Today's most pressing quandary. 
12:15 - 1:15: Lunch
1:15 - 1:30: Lunch digestion allowance time.
1:30 - 2:00: ESPN Sportscenter/Naps
2:00 - 2:30: How to comment on a woman's blog photos without coming off creepy. 
2:30 - 3:00: Guest Speaker - Writing and crap.
3:00 - 3:15: Snack
3:15 - 4:00: Group discussion - In & Out vs. Five Guys - better burger?
4:00 - 4:30: Chris Farley comedy highlight reel
4:30 - 5:00: Excuses and places you can tell your spouse you were today.

HOME!  See you tomorrow for another productive day!

60 comments:

jordan @ mean mommy academy said...

Brilliant! My hubby may start a blog just so he can attend... ;)

Mimi McMi said...

Could ESPN/nap time also have an option on mini mani/pedi? No, forget it. Too girlie. I could hang with the basement sports crowd. I do need to figure out how to download my video from my phone to my blog. I have a very nice video of baseball players vantage point last night. I was sitting behind homebase/batter's warm up box. For some odd reason Even Longoria kept stretching in front of me and bending over. I would like to share my experience of Tampa Bay Rays players and perhaps help them with yoga poses, too.

Teachinfourth said...

This is so what a conference would be like only you missed out on some of the most important stuff...random YouTube videos sprinkled throughout the day (of course, that would be done at the tables via laptop in small groups...all 14 of us). I've got a few new ones to show you, buddy.

See you at next year's conference.

TisforTonya said...

sounds like this could be even MORE fun... :)

TisforTonya said...

but oh wait... I guess me and my estrogen are not invited :)

Joan said...

Can I come? I'll bring the snacks!

Amy said...

Hmmm, I have never been to any type of blogging conference, but if I got to chose from any, yours might be the winner... minus the ESPN bit. Just sayin'.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Nicely observed, especially the forum between 2:00 - 2:30.

Emmy said...

I think you may have just figured out how to make your millions- best conference ever. Oh but wait- there are only 14 of you, so scratch millions- $75?

Kristina P. said...

Can I teach a segment called, "Why Five Guys is Clearly Better Than Yucky In N Out?"

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

K you totally owe me 50% of the fees you earn for all those who sign up for your BlogHe conference since you totally stole my "coined phrase!" LOL Even if it is only a buck and a half.

Glen said...

What time is the bar open?

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

I like the naps portion of the conference.

Did you forget to include drinking time or was that a deliberate move?

mintifresh said...

Now that's something I'd totally sign up for!

Kate said...

Love this. I could totally enjoy BlogHe, though I'd probably read a book during the Sports Center segment. Maybe not, though, those guys are pretty entertaining.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

I am SO IN! Just name the time and place. But rather than your basement, how about someplace more exciting than your basement - like Hawaii, or Buffalo Wild Wings.

-stephanie- said...

When do you fit in the time to fart and scratch?

tammy said...

Did someone say Five Guys??

I'd much rather go to your conference than any of those lame other ones. In fact I'd pretty much rather do anything else.

Lene said...

I can't be bothered with this or any other bloggy conference...it would require me to leave my house.

SherilinR said...

i hope your wife gives you permission. will you encourage the men to pack little pallets for the napping portion? and will lunchables be on the menu? or maybe you could provide hungry man dinners to each of the attendees. it sounds like it's going to be awesome!

Lazarus said...

This is awesome, I would sign up first day! And I agree, I don't know and wouldn't want to know what the women talk about at their blog conferences... and I'm sure they like it that way.

Laraine Eddington said...

Sounds to high energy for most of the men I know.

Laraine Eddington said...

Sorry I misspelled to (sic)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sign me up! Do we get a movie as well?

Melinda said...

I wish I could go. I did cut my hair short, I bet you guys wouldn't even know I wasn't a man, if I wore baggy clothes and no make up...

Cheryl said...

I think that your conference sounds really more my speed than some of the blogging conference agendas I have seen.

I would rather discuss the merits of Five Guys vs In & Out than when you should or shouldn't use quotation marks. (yes, that has been disussed in women's blogging groups)

Can I be your "token" woman at your conference? (see, I used quotation marks...are you horribly offended?)

Living Life said...

Perhaps this will be the start up of the BlogHe Conference! Given the exciting agenda, I'm sure you could recruit thousands!

TesoriTrovati said...

I think that the meat in the day is definitely between 1:30-2:30. That might even interest my husband to start a blog....
NOT!

You are too much. But if anyone can do it, I know you can!

P.S. Would there be a special section for 1st grade male teachers? I am sure that the other two guys from the calendar would have blogs too. Am I right, or am I right?
;-)

Enjoy the day!
Erin

Antares Cryptos said...

Any provision of video games at this BlogHe in the basement conference?

Tom said...

Love the 2:00-2:30 class. That is so true. I have often been reluctant to comment on many of the female oriented blogs for fear of coming across as a stalker.

Jonah Gibson said...

This sounds really cool, and certainly timely. I think there ought to be a session on creative epithets since, as you will have noticed, the mommy bloggers have appropriated all the traditional swear words and vulgarities.

Pedaling said...

i think this may be your best business idea, yet!

your scheduled events certainly sound energizing!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Excellent post, Cheeseboy. I'd prefer this BlogHe Conference to whatever goes on at BlogHer.
xoRobyn

Bossy Betty said...

Hilarious!!!

OM said...

I'm sorry, but you can count me out! 8am is too early for breakfast!

Saimi said...

You nailed it!

My husband and his band of buddies rotate 'firesides' at each others houses..the 'firesides' involves UFC fight night, snacks and a whole lot of discussion!

Just think of the blog they could have!

Crystal Pistol said...

I'm so pleased about the 2:00-2:30 discussion regarding the creep-o factor in commenting on women's blogs.

I am forever having to talk my husband down from the desire to hunt down certain creepy males that leave totally gross comments.

PS You are not one of the creepy comment men. So you are qualified to teach that class. Congratulations.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Hey! I'd go to the BlogHim Conference just for the afternoon nap.

imbeingheldhostage said...

The sad thing is, no one would make it to the conference. You know men won't ask for directions when they're lost ;-)

Jenn said...

Wow, if I knew that was what went on, I just might think about attending :)

SueLovesCherries said...

Let me know the date, I'll bake you some man-cookies!

Mighty M said...

I love it! They should definitely put nap time in all conference agendas!

Melinda said...

I always imagine the BlogHer Conference as an intensified baby or bridal shower, just without the gifts. The thought of that much estrogen for 3 days straight scares me just a bit.

PBJdreamer said...

I cannot imagine attending this. My blog is so ridiculously small and unimportant to anyone but me.

Hope you have fun!


that is all

"Miss Bee" said...

You could totally have an off-site session in which you travel from burger place to burger place in search of the best burger.

Oh! And you also need to be sure to include a session (led by you) to brainstorm ideas for "what I'll do when I hit (this many) followers."

GrammyMouseTails said...

I have never been to any conference, except for parent-teacher ones, do those count? I usually get a couple of Ds, at least 1 F and if I am really good a C+!! I can see how the attraction of naps is needed, but wouldn't that be naturally included in food digestion time, maybe stretch those babies out. I think BlogHe would need a whole afternoon to cover "what women (esp wives) really and how to get her to say Yes, hunny" I think a name change may attract more attendees, which may scratch your basement locale off... BlogHe-He-He... I'm IN.

Heidi-"Heidi in Real Life" said...

That's really funny. And most likely true. I can't imagine what they do at those conferences either.

Desperate Housemommy said...

I would like to applaud the minds at BlogHe for their attention to the matter of time allotment for digestion. Is there any aquatic activity on the agenda? Please tell me it was after digestion time.

Lourie said...

I concur with commenter number one! hahaha.

W.C.Camp said...

I'm in for a case of BEANO if I get to hold the remote!!! Great post! W.C.C.

Pat Tillett said...

I'M THERE!
I think it was last year that one of my daughters (who blogs) begged me to go to 'blogher" with her. I of course, refused. I'm sure I would have been the target of much ridicule and scorn.
I love this post! One of the funniest I've seen in a while.

Impulsive Addict said...

You may get hungry. You may want to throw some extra snack times in there. Just a suggestion.

Could a girl that acts like a guy (you know, cool and into sports and stuff) attend your BlogHe conference? I tend to get along better with boys than girls....for obvious reasons.

Kelley said...

I want to go to the BlogHe conference!! I love to eat, love Chris Farley and really love "writing and crap". Can I? CAn I???

MiMi said...

Bahahahaha, how to comment on a woman bloggers pictures without sounding creepy is HILARIOUS!!!
Also: Can I come to this BlogHe?? It sounds more fun than the BlogHer... :)

Jen said...

Wow, this sounds like a super-fabulous time...can my husband come? Wait...he thinks my blog is dumb and makes fun of it every chance he gets ;)
Funny post, Abe.

Richard & Natalie said...

Bloghe Conference vs Blogher Conference? Bloghe Conference, hands down. The clincher? The Chris Farley highlights- complete awesomeness!

Mary said...

From some of the reviews of these conferences, I'd rather attend yours!

Joann Mannix said...

Well, since you asked me not to, the first thing that happens at a BlogHer conference is the speaker who discusses everything PMS including a detailed talk about the various kinds of feminine products.

Then we have a crying session because it always makes a girl feel better to cry.

After that, there's the montage of Johnny Depp love scenes from all his movies.

Then, it's break time with shopping tours.

After that, there's the main lecture which is always the same: How To Have A Lifetime Of Good Hair Days.

And then it's time for more crying.

We end with a marathon viewing of the Oprah show and finally a huge chant of, "You Go Girl!"

It's major fun. You should come sometime.

Oh and yes, maybe you should write a post about how not to be a man creeper on a blog. There are some dudes who definitely need a lesson. Not you, of course, you're just a lovable loon.

Powdered Toast Man said...

did I miss the conference again? Did I miss the sign up sheet? dammit, I will have to wait til next year.

M-Cat said...

Your conference sounds much more fun and useful than any others I have heard of.

Can you let a chick come just once? I could guest speak on how to artfully use profanity on the WWW