Sunday, July 27, 2014

An Obituary for the Portable CD Player

The Portable CD Player died in 2007. I feel like we kind of just glossed over this loss so I wrote this obituary for it.

Our beloved Portable CD player, a friend, companion and patriot passed from this earthly life on Friday, April 13, 2007   He died of a broken heart.

Our dear friend brought joy to all those he met, touching the lives of literally millions of people across the globe, especially at the peak of his popularity in the mid to late 90’s. In honor of the loss of this great 90’s icon, Guess Jeans shall be flown at half-staff across the nation.

Portable CD Player shall be missed most by his beloved companion, Portable CD Player Case (You know, the puffy black one with space for the CD Case holder) and her lovely carrying strap. Together, they had 144 CD children; 116 original CDs of their own and 28 adopted burnt mixed CDs that they adopted from some guy named Larry with an amazing music collection.

Portable CD Player lived life to the fullest. His favorite hobby was skipping and he would often skip up to 50 times per hour. When anyone would push him, tap him or touch him in any way, he would simply skip. In a way, the way he dealt with people was frustratingly endearing. (More frustrating than endearing.)

Portable CD Player is proceeded in death by his Record Player (Grandfather), Cassette Player (Mother), Walkman (Father), 8-Track Player (Weird Uncle) and Mini-Disk Player (Cocky Cousin). He is survived by: iPhone, iPod, iPad, iTunes, Laptop, YouTube, Spotify, Pandora and his cheap son, MP3 Player.

Graveside services will be held at the Panasonic Graveyard on Thursday at 4:00PM. In lieu of flowers, please purchase 200 blank CDs and place them lovingly around the gravesite.

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