Me... Cheeseboy, in the back of Burt Reynold's Pickup truck.

And now... the video that you all have been waiting for: Cheeseboy in the back of Burt Reynold's pickup truck! 

I just hope and pray that it doesn't disappoint too much.  The first video is an introduction and the second video is while we are on our way to Burt's place.

Saturday Graph (On Sunday) - The Only Time in Which I Don't Mind Listening to a live Reggae Band

Howdy everyone.  It's difficult for me to follow my last post - which seems to be the king of all posts - but I'll try anyway.  I apologize - Saturday's graph is a day late, but at least it's here.

Greatest First Grade Program of all time!

I hesitated on posting these videos, but you really can't see any kid's faces because my wife is filming so far back in the Gym-eteri-orium and the quality is so bad.

I am the bozo leading the kids in the white shirt.

What we have here is a version of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" that I changed the words to. It is all about our year in first grade. If you get bored, skip to 2:52, when our guitar soloist takes the stage.

Also, I have a crummy camera, so I apologize for the crummy footage.



I also taught them, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" by The Clash.




Here are the lyrics I changed to the Bohemian Rhapsody song for First Graders:

Is this
Or is this fantasy?
Caught in a landslide of
Homework brutality
Open your eyes look up to the
and see…

I’m just in first grade.
I need no sympathy
Because I’m easy come, easy go
Say bye bye, say hello
Any way the ball goes
Doesn’t really matter to me…
To me.

MAMA
I’m done with first grade.
I was scared that first day
But now I am so glad I stayed
MAMA
My life has just begun
But summer’s here and now it’s time to play

MAMA!
Ohhhh
I don’t mean to make you cry
You’ll be happy in the summertime
And carry on, carry on,
And mix some pancake batter

MAMA!
Ohhhh.
I’m too old to cry
I think that I have grown so very tall

My mom brings me in a minivan
Give her smooch
And a smooch
Then I see the van van go

Monkeybars and lunchtime
Very, very frightening
ME!

GAL - I - LEO
GAL - I - LEO

Gal - i- leo
Let me grow

I’m such a smart kid
Everybody loves me

He’s just a smart kid
From a smart family

We are so full of curiosity

Recess comes, Recess goes
Will you let me go?
Mish - MULE - Lah
NO! WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go
Mish - MUL - Lah
WE WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
Let me go
Mish - MUL - Lah

WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

No, no, no, no, no no no!

Mama Mia
Mama Mia

MAMA MIA LET ME GO!

Does anyone know when we go to lunch?

Hungry
Hungry
HUNGRY!!!!

So you think we are very small fries
First grade has totally flown by

OH BABY!
Almost second grade baby
Just gotta get out
Just gotta get right out of here


OOOOhhhh
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!

First grade really mattered
Anyone can see
First grade really mattered
First grade really mattered
TO ME!!!

FIRST GRADE ROCKS!!!

How the "Old Lady that Swallowed the Fly" really went down.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly.  I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE SWALLOWED THAT FLY!

Old Lady: Oh my, oh my, oh my.  I think I just swallowed a fly.

Daughter: Mom, for the last time,  you didn't swallow a fly.  Did you take your meds this morning?

Old Lady: This time I am serious.  I yawned while I was driving my Harley.

Daughter: Mom, you don't even own a Harley. 

Old Lady: I am 96 years old.  I will own a Harley if I want to.

Now, I need a spider and quick!

Daughter: Noooo!  Mom, don't do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Old Lady: [Gulp] 

Daughter: How many times do I have to tell you that the spider will not catch the fly?

Old Lady: But I like the way it wriggles and wiggles and tickles inside me.

Daughter: I am pretty sure that wasn't even a spider mom.  That actually could have been my bracelet.

Old Lady: Now, where are my birds?

Daughter: You ate them all, mom.

Old Lady: All of them? I did?

Daughter: Mom, this is the 16th "fly" you have "swallowed" in the last month.

Old Lady: Feathers... is DEAD?!

Daughter: Yes mom. You ate her yesterday.  Remember, you had to go to the ER because the talons?

Old Lady: But you said you could hear her tweeting?

Daughter: No, I said I tweeted that my mom is eating all our pets. 

Old Lady: I don't know what that means. I'm tired.  I am a tired old lady.

Daughter: Why are you putting your shoe on your head?

Old Lady: I am trying to go home.  It's broth for you and your siblings tonight.  Then you are getting a sound whipping!

Daughter: Mom, I am 68 years old and an only child.

Old Lady: Don't you talk to me like that.  I am your mother.

New Paige Davis Commercial for the Blog O' Cheese!

Also, FYI - 200 reader post in the back of Burt Reynold's pickup coming soon!

"The Strong Teachers" by Mindy

There is a girl in my class and I am fairly sure she thinks I am awesome.

What can I say, I am awesome.

This girl's - we shall call her "Mindy" - goal in life is to try and make me laugh.  I know this because in January we made a list of New Year's resolutions and numbers 3-8 were, "Make Mr. Cheeseboy laugh."  That resolution was easily achieved because I laughed the second I read her list of New Year's resolutions.

Well, she unknowingly made me laugh today with her bizarre story from the 7-year-old Netherworld.  I asked the students to write their very best story to give their parents after our program tomorrow.  The stories are actually in nicely bound books that we spend a lot of time on. Mindy decided to write the following story:

The Strong Teachers
Written and Illustrated by: Mindy

Dedicated to: My Mom and Dad because they drop me off at school.

Once upon a time, there was a panda named Mindy.  She was lost in the woods.

She found a tree house.  She lived in it.

There was ice cream and lots of Diet Mt. Dew. (FYI: I drink a lot of Diet Mt. Dew.)

She found Mr. Cheeseboy in there.  Mr. Cheeseboy was like, "ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Then Mindy died.  Mr. Cheeseboy got $1,000,000,0000. (Not sure why?)

But suddenly there were 1,000,000,000 pandas.

Mr. Cheeseboy killed them all.  (What?!  Just so you know, I love Pandas and I would never do them any harm.)

Mrs. Charley (Another First Grade teacher) was fighting Mr. Cheeseboy with her long toe and fingernails.


Then they got chopped off, even worse she turned into a bull.  Even better she turned into a Queen.  Then she turned into a penguin.  A penguin that played soccer.

She got better and she was rich.  She beat up a strong guy.

The End.

Future Books Mindy Hopes to Write:
The Spectacular Superheroes
The Rainbow
The Dog Who Really Liked Flowers

The ANGRY letter I just sent to Redbox, Inc.

ACTUAL email I just sent to Redbox today at 3:30 MST at this site.  I will post a reply if/when I receive one.


Dear Redbox Employee of unknown name,


I would like to issue a formal complaint about the Redbox service I have been receiving at the Murray, Utah Redbox location. (The one in the McDonalds, across from the Burlington Coat Factory.  Do you know which one I am talking about?  It has the big arches in front of it.) 


First of all, let me just say that I love the service Redbox offers and the fact that I can rent a video for a buck!  A BUCK! Blockbuster be darned! 


My first complaint involves the Redbox machine.  It is always sticky.  Granted, this McDonald's does serve a lot of soft serve and they tend to load their fries with extra salt. Also, this McDonalds doesn't have a playground, which I think is odd, don't you?  A McDonalds with no playland?!  So strange.  Nevertheless, every time I use the machine, a small chunk of my finger-skin is left with the machine.  It's just that sticky.


Secondly, you never have any Steven Segal videos in stock.  It's not like Steven hasn't made a lot of movies; he has a plethora to choose from!  Have you ever seen Under Siege 2: Dark Territory? Do yourself a favor and rent it sometime. (Not available at your Redbox locations.)


Finally, my last complaint is more of a suggestion than a complaint.  I think that Redbox machines should have a curtain that I can pull when I am making my selections.  I always feel so violated when someone is standing right behind me, judging me on my selection of Divine Secrets of a Ya Ya Sisterhood.  It's for my AUNT!  She loves the part about the traveling pants.


I think that a curtain would provide ample privacy.  Plus, I love the feeling of being in one of those photo booths with the curtains.  (FYI: Those photo booths are fun, but the maximum number of cats you can get in one with you is only about 7.  If you know the people that make those booths, can you forward this complaint to them? Do you know those people?) 


Thank you for your time and I look forward to your reply.


Abe


PS: How do you get the movies inside the machine?  Do you hire movie midgets?  Also, if there is a Redbox inside a Dollar Tree, one dollar really isn't that great of a deal.  You should make the Dollar Tree rentals like 78 cents or something.

**UPDATE: I received the following response:


Hello,

Thank you for your e-mail. Your comments, suggestions & business are important to us. I will share the information you have provided with the appropriate parties.

If you have any additional questions, comments, or concerns, please let us know and anyone in customer service would be more than happy to assist you.

Thank you for your valued business,
Shawn
redbox Customer Care
1.866.REDBOX3
www.redbox.com

Cheeseboy Saturday Graph: Why American Idol Sucks This Year

Back by popular demand, it's the "Cheeseboy Saturday Graph".  It is a simple concept: I create a graph for the world to enjoy.  It's been a long time since I've done one, so I hope I am on my game.

***Also, I am guest posting today on The Chronicles of a Veteran Kindergarten Teacher, so feel free to check me out there too.

The man's wedding/baby shower survival system v. 1.0

I attended a wedding shower today. How many of you men can say that?  That's right... NONE!

It was the 37th wedding/baby shower I have attended in the past six years.

Not that I have been counting. 

When you are a male Elementary School teacher and you teach with a bunch of women, you go to showers, and you like it.  I am positive I have been to more showers already than all of my buddies will ever go to in their lifetimes... combined.

I don't get high, but if I did, I'd most definitely get high before going to one of my coworker's showers.  The games would make more sense and the sparkly tablecloths would totally blow my mind.  Plus, it is the perfect place to have the munchies.

Thankfully, I have devised a shower survival system that has been a trusty stalwart through thick and very thick and has allowed me to partake in the free mini cheesecakes.

CHEESEBOY MAN'S WEDDING/BABY SHOWER SURVIVAL SYSTEM v. 1.0

1. Games - Do not participate in anything involving drinking from a bottle, candybars in diapers, placing bows on your head, giving advice and sitting in a circle.

2. Food - Stay away from the quiche and salads.  Eat a ton (especially if you went in on a gift), but in order to fit in with the women folk, be sure to say "Well, I really shouldn't, but this looks so yummy and Jenny went to a lot of work."  Also, "I HAVE GOT to get this recipe!" is a mainstay that never fails.

Note: The carrots, broccoli and dip are just there to make the women feel better about the other crap they are eating.  You do not have to eat it!

3. Gifts - It is polite to quietly chat with the other ladies at your table during the opening of presents.  HOWEVER, when a box is opened, you must stop your conversation and say, "Oh, how nice!"  

Have a teammate buy a gift card to Target and give them five bucks.  For every additional dollar you donate for a "team gift", you are allotted an additional eclair at the shower.

This is an "unspoken rule" that I made up specifically for men, but that does not make it any less valid for the ladies.

4. The Departure - Leaving early is difficult to do when you are one of two men there.  Women tend to notice by constantly asking,  "Where did Abe go?"  

I've thought hard about purchasing a lookalike shower mannequin, but I think I would just miss the brownies too much.

After all, there are some benefits to being a male teacher in an elementary school.

When I write a piercing letter, I mean business. Business I tell you!

I am such an idiot. 
 
I wrote a strongly worded letter to my school board.  This letter had a lot of "albeits", a few "this is a travesty"s  and even a couple "this just ain't right!"s.

(I have no idea how to correctly punctuate the above sentence.)

Yeah, my words had to sting. As I typed with furious fervor, I could just imagine the board members  sitting at their laptop computers, tears streaming down their cheeks, the error of their ways flashing before their eyes.   I held the phone tight to my chest and waited for the inevitable phone call of apology. 

I wrote with abandon. I wrote with earnest.  It was the perfect email, my thoughts were displayed like a pair of dirty boxer shorts on one of those clothes lines they have in the country.  My points were clearly stated and I was riding on a euphoric writer's high.

All I needed was an ending sentence.  Something to drive the point home; something that would stay with them as they sat in church on Sunday; something so momentous, when they would look at themselves in the mirror in the morning, they would see my plight staring back at them.

Adrenaline flowing, I told the school board where they could shove it.  THIS is how I went out:

"Set your table how you desire and let the chips fall where they may!"

Set your table as how you desire and let the chips fall where they may??!


What... the *$@#... does that even mean?

I think I may have mixed 6 metaphors in one sentence.

I only realized how ridiculous that sounded after I had already pressed "send".

Yeah, school board - take that!  I bet your head is totally spinning right now.  I bet you don't even know where my left hook came from.  I bet you are cowering in the corner, scared there might be a round 2.

Let it be known that on the 19th day of May, 2010, Cheeseboy told his school board:

"Set your table how you desire and let the chips fall where they may!"

Heck yeah!  I feel vindicated.

Another Q&A with Cheeseboy

My last round of questions and answers was such a rousing success, I decided to delve into the old mailbag once again.  You, my reading public, make me what I am and you deserve to have your queries answered.

Q: Our first email comes from Georgia O' Keefe of Dollywood, Oklahoma:  Cheeseboy, I need to know, where have all the cowboys gone?

A: Paula Cole had no answer to this back in the 90's, but as the saying goes: If you know less in life than Paula Cole, you might qualify for a special parking pass.

Everyone knows this saying.

Contrary to popular belief, the cowboys have not all ventured to Brokeback Mountain.  (Two did, and they even made a movie about it.) Cowboys really haven't gone anywhere.  In fact, I saw Cowboys on "The Amazing Race" just the other day.  They had these monstrosities on their heads:

To answer your question Georgia, two years ago I was passing through Southern Utah and stopped at a Payson Walmart.  I am convinced that the Payson, Utah Walmart is where all the cowboys have gone.

Q: This question comes to us from Billy Jean King from Yorkshire, South Dakota: Where do you get all of your blasted ideas, Cheeseboy?

A: I'd like to tell you that the come from my creative imagination, but that would be a lie.  My ideas actually come from a box I found buried under my the tree in my back yard about 5 years ago.  I accidentally found the box of ideas while digging for some gold coins I buried.  I was looking for the gold coins I buried because I needed them to buy a book of writing prompts and ideas.

Q: This one from Jake James Cornstarch in the Black Hills in Sarasota Springs, Kentucky: What is the best way to cook a turkey?

A: I get this question a lot, James.  Surprisingly, while I know a lot about many things, I know absolutely nothing about cooking turkeys.  I am certain, however, that the most important part of preparing a turkey is the plucking.

Q: I have an email here from Clementine Saquinto from Calgury, Maine: Cheeseboy, do you have any advice for maintaining a happy marriage? 

A: Even though my wife and I make a perfect pair, we still have to work at our relationship.  My advice is to always go to bed first so that you don't have to yank the sheet back onto your corner of the bed.   

Q: A question from Clive T. Jansburgh of Minnesota: Hey Cheeseboy, I'm confused, what the heck is going on in LOST? How will the finale end?

A: Great question, Clive.  This one is easy.  The entire cast are actually in Hawaii filming a pretend television show about a plane crash and a smoke monster.  The cast will be allowed to go home and work on other projects.  All of us dorks that watch the show will go about having actual lives again and we will stop obsessing with the plot.

Least climatic finale ever.

Q: This one comes to us from Silvia Sandstrom from El Paso, Texas: How did your blog become so popular so quickly?

A: I've been praying a lot lately for followers.  I am not sure if God cares about blog followers, but I think he must.  I think God REALLY wants to see the Burt Reynod's pickup truck post.  A lot of people don't know this, but God is a huge Smokey and the Bandit fan.

Q: Last one for today.  This comes from Buccaneer Steve from the Pacific Islands: Ahoy, what did yar do with me old gold coins I gave you back in '83?

A: I hid them under a tree in my backyard.   Argh. Your parrot concurs. 

Diversity and language in the first grade classroom means wacky conversations in which my head explodes.

Occasionally, the kids in my first grade class will get talking amongst themselves and they have no idea what they are talking about.  Rather than stop them and correct them, I usually let them babble on and on as it is very entertaining to me.  Such was the case today as the following conversation took place amongst my students:

Names have been changed to protect the innocent youngsters.


 Scene: I am counting down from 10 to 1 while the kids are cleaning up.

Jenny: Count in Spanish Mr. Cheeseboy.

[I don't know Spanish, but they like me to count in Spanish for some reason and although I have to really think hard to count backwards from 10 in Spanish, I do my best. Somehow I succeed.]

Samantha: I can count backward from 10 in Vietnamese.

[Samantha is Vietnamese, so much to her delight, I allow her.]

Billy: Calvin is from China.  Have him count in China-ese.

Mr. Cheeseboy: You mean Chinese?

Billy: Yeah.

[Much to Calvin's delight, he counts in Chinese.]

Samantha: What about Amanda?  She is from Switzerland.  She can count in Switzernese.

Mr. Cheeseboy: You mean German?

Samantha: No. That's what they speak in Germany.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Well, they speak it in Switzerland too. 

Samantha: They speak two languages there?

Mr. Cheeseboy: No... I mean yes.  I mean, they mostly speak German.  There is no such thing as Switzernese.

[Amanda proudly counts backward from ten in German.]

Alexia: MY FAMILY IS FROM NORWEGIA!

Samantha: Do you know Nor-GIAN? 

Alexia: No, it's like my Great, Great Grandpa was from there or something.

Samantha: Where is Norwegia? 

Alexia: I think it's like where it is cold all the time or something. 

Samantha: Where the Polar Bears live?

Alexia: Maybe.  The pilgrims came from there, I think.

Mr. Cheeseboy: Pilgrims? 

Alexia: Yeah, the guys that had the big boats.

Mr. Cheeseboy: You mean Vikings?

Alexia: No, pilgrims.

Billy: Where is your family from Mr. Cheeseboy?

Mr. Cheeseboy: Some of them are from Russia.

Billy: Are your sons from Russia?

Mr. Cheeseboy: No, they are from here.

Billy: Do they speak Rush-ANIAN there?

Mr. Cheeseboy: No Billy.

A conversation between Donna Martin, Andrea Zuckerman and Kelly Taylor as they get ready to attend the Twilight Convention.

You may not be aware of this, but apparently there is something called a "Twilight Convention".  The Twilight convention is a lot like a Star Wars convention, except that a bunch of obsessed, nerdy women  go instead of men. 

This is a conversation between the girls of Beverly Hills 90210 as they are getting ready to head to the convention.  


I just completed this post and reread it and I have no idea if this is funny or just plain strange.  I was going to just delete it, but I will let you, the Blog O' Cheese audience decide.  Besides, just like episodes of 90210, they can't all be winners, right?


Donna: What do you think Kelly?  Can I pull off the dark, mopey Bella sweatshirt look?

Kelly: Donna, please - you are Donna Martin!  You can pull of any look you want.

Donna: [giggles] Maybe in 1990, but I am 38 years old now.

Andrea Zuckerman: COME ON YOU GUYS!  Would you please stop chatting!  We are going to be late for the first Volteri Vixen face painting.  It's in the Forks Crossing room and I do not want to be late!

Kelly: How about me? Is my skin too sparkly?

Donna: Oh Kelly, we are going to the Twilight Convention.  Everyone knows there is no such thing as "too sparkly".

Kelly: Tell that to Dylan.  He is so mean to me sometimes.  I just hate him!

Andrea Zuckerman: Seriously guys!  Billy Burke - AKA - "Charlie Swan"  is going to be signing posters in the Clearwater room in 20 minutes.  If I miss that, I am going to go vampire-ape crazy both of you!

Donna: Steve kinda looks like a vampire.  Do you think Steve could be a vampire?

Kelly: Sometimes you are such an idiot, Donna.  Does Steve have FANGS?!  Is Steve WHITE and PALE?!  Does Steve have a SICKLY way about him?! Oh wait...

Andrea Zuckerman:  You two are such... morons!  PLEASE HURRY!  The "Jacob Black chest rub" is in the Northwest wing at 2:00 and you two are still not dressed!  Trust me, you do not want to miss that.

Donna: Are we going to go to the Peach Pit before?  I'm hungry.

Kelly: You are always hungry Donna.  Besides, I heard the "Esme Smoothies" at the convention's Bite Bar are awesome.

Donna: Maybe you can get by with a smoothie, but I need meat.  Maybe a porterhouse.

Kelly: I wonder if David is going to DJ the convention?

Donna: I hope not.  He's supposed to be watching the kids.  Besides, I've told him over 100 times that being a DJ at 40 is just pathetic.

Andrea Zuckerman: WHAT ARE YOU TWO EVEN TALKING ABOUT?  HURRY UP! If I miss the Cullen culinary vegetarian demonstration, these plastic fangs in my mouth will be shoved directly up...

Kelly: Where are the body sparkles? I just need to add a few more sparkles.

Donna: Do you think Brandon would be jealous if he saw you ogling at Jacob today?

Kelly: Brandon?  No, he is a gentleman.  Always has been.  He's from Minnesota, you know.

Donna: Don't you guys think it is a little sad that we are 38 and going to the Twilight convention?

Kelly: Well, I bet we will be younger than most the women there.

Andrea Zuckerman: FINE, I AM LEAVING WITHOUT YOU! I want to be at the doors when it opens.  I hear the first 2,000 people get a free bottle of Edward cologne, and one lucky winner will get acting lessons from Kristen Stewart.

[Slams door behind her]

Kelly: Donna, did you say something?

Donna: No.  You?

Kelly: Nope. You ready to go?

Donna: Yeah, but I swear we are missing someone.  Hm...

Kelly: BRENDA!  Where's Brenda?!

Donna: We'll find her.  She's probably at the bar with Dylan. Do I look okay?

Kelly: Donna, as always, you look like a large Haflinger horse.

Donna: Thanks Kelly.  You've always been a good friend.

Cheeseboy's Guide to Overcoming Awkward Social Situations: Volume 3 - A Human Begs you for Money

Hobos are generally much more resourceful than we give them credit for. After all, they take our money from us in exchange for absolutely nothing. Nobody else in the world does this effectively except perhaps Celine Dion and Stephanie Meyer.

It's 2010 and beggars have come a long way since those trying days of traveling on trains with one of those bandannas tied to the end of a stick.

Folks nowadays don't just ask for money. No, they have other methods and these methods almost always involve startling me in a Walmart parking lot. It always seems to be the same story...

"I need five dollars for gas money to get me home."

If you are like me, and I know most of you wish you were, you do not hold a single cent in your wallet (or man-purse, pouch, handbag, and bursa) AND I am pretty sure panhandlers don't accept American Express.**

Now, I know there are varying opinions on whether or not you should actually give money to these mendicants and we could probably have a rousing discussion while slamming our fists on mahogany roundtables in anger. Of course, during in this hypothetical altercation, we'd all have to wear white wigs with tails and our obscenities would have to be in proper Oxford Style English.***

Let it be known that I, Cheeseboy, promise not to judge you based on your panhandler giving beliefs.

Let it also be known that I, Cheeseboy, do not give to panhandlers for one simple reason: I never, ever have cash on me.

What I am here to help you with is the awkwardness you may face during a rejection of a panhandler. Or, at the very least, I am here to explain what works for me.

1. Pat your pockets. This gives the panhandler the allusion of poverty. In fact, if you visit a poor orphanage in the Ukraine, you'll find a hundred children eating porridge while patting their pockets in unison.

I use this method all the time and it seems to have a fairly high success rate. Beggars see me patting my pockets and they either know I am broke or they think I am insane. Or both. Either way, I'm good.

2. Start making bird calls while looking in the sky. It is important to do this as you are walking to your car as it will ward off any logical beggar before they make their initial approach. Incorporating this method will save you a lifetime of embarrassment.

Besides the above, it is a little known fact that bird callers worldwide are never bothered for money by beggars. In a recent survey of bird callers, only 15% of bird callers had been bothered by beggars in the past year. However, the other 85% admitted to begging. ****

3. When they ask you for money, ask them if they have change for a $50.00. When they say yes, ask them if you can have it because you really need the money for gas to get home. They will be so confused, they will leave you alone.

I call this the "ol' cadger swap".

4. If approached by a supplicant beggar, tell them that you do not have any cash on hand, but you would be happy to give them a rabbit's foot for good luck. Then, pull a bloody rabbit's foot out of your pocket (both blood and rabbit's foot could be fake, especially if you are against this sort of thing) and attempt to hand it to the beggar.

Most of the time, the beggar will simply turns around and walk away. If they don't, you're only out a ketchup packet and a two dollar fake rabbit's foot.

I am convinced that if you incorporate these four easy steps, you will never experience an awkward or embarrassing moment with a panhandler again.

You're welcome.

** Although I am sure they will politely write down your credit card number if you offer it to them. Just be sure to give them the security code as well. They will need it for their online purchases.

*** Also, I'd like a few midgets wearing 16th century armor to be there to ensure tranquility.

**** Bird calling does NOT pay well.

A shocking revelation about Cheeseboy

I have a shocking revelation everyone.

Shocking!

It's big.

It's bigger than Bradiffer's breakup. Bigger than Branjellina. Bigger than when that strange celeb couple named their kid "Apple". Bigger than the reissue of the McRib.

You might want to sit down for this. No? Then maybe just hold onto something stable.... Uh, that floor lamp is not stable. Here, just sit down.

Are you ready for this? Okay, deep breath...

I... do not own... a cell phone!

- gasp! -

I know.

Yesterday I made a statement about my lack of a cell phone on someone's blog and apparently all hell broke loose. (Notice the correct use of the word "loose".) Apparently someone was so upset at this they threw their sofa through their front bay window. One fellow blogger swore she had never heard such blasphemy as she passed out from sheer astonishment. Insanity ensued.

Before I begin my epistle on why I do not have a cell phone, I will allow you to pick your jaws up off the basement floor and let the yelping pooch in from the cold.

Now, you heard me right. I do not own a cell phone and I never will. I have my reasons:

Reason #1 - I hate cliche cell phone phrases.

"If you'll excuse me, I have to get this." Who do you think you are, Jack on Lost? I do not enjoy chop liver, but I suppose I will happily play the part while you gallivant around with one finger in your ear and the other on your phone while I stand here like a moron.

"My sister has that exact same phone!" Really? This EXACT SAME PHONE?! They told me this was a one-of-a-kind. That's what the man at Verizon told me. He said they specifically crafted it to meet my needs. He lied. I'd like to see your sister's phone. I bet she doesn't have the same desktop photo as me.

"I have to stop at the Verizon store after work and change my plan." Hm. I don't. Sucks for you.

Reason #2 - I do not need a cell phone.

When people hear that I don't have a cell phone, their first question is ALWAYS, "So how do people reach you?"

Hm. A perplexing quandary to be sure. How would someone need to reach me in an emergency? Let's see...

My school's phone.
The phone in my classroom.
My home phone.
My wife's cell phone.
Any one of my 3 email addresses.
My facebook account.
The Blog O' Cheese emergency comment section.
US mail.
Instant Messaging
Singing telegram.
They could just COME TO MY frigging house!
Morse code. (I learned it during my brief stint in the Navy.)
String with two cans tied to the ends.

Yeah, I am totally screwed if I don't get a cell phone.

The next question I am undoubtedly asked is, "Well, what if your car breaks down? What are you going to do then?"

This is a huge worry for me in that I drive approximately fifteen miles a day in a car that I have never once had a problem with. Nevertheless, I have given it much thought, and if this indeed happened, I would probably do one of three things:

1. Wither up into the fetal position on the floor of the backseat of my car and weep incessantly.
2. Walk (yes, I said walk) to one of the 12 gas stations along my route from home to work and use one of their phones.
3. Get a piggyback ride to work from one of the old crossing guard gals that are always waving to me as I drive by.

Reason #3 - Why in heaven's name would I want people to bother me?

I do not have a job in sales. I do not have patients waiting for a new heart in a thermos full of ice. No one works for me.

I simply don't need to feel "needed" by your unnecessary calls.

Reason #4 - Blue Tooth

Self explanatory.

Reason # 5 - Cliche phrases about the bill.

"My cell phone bill went up again!" - Mine didn't.

"My 12 year old daughter racked up a $200.00 bill for texting." - And why is she still living, with the phone still in her backpack?

"I am so ticked because I have to switch to blah, blah, blah for my iPhone to blah, blah, blah." - Yeah, well I am ticked because you are wasting my time by telling me this crap.

That is it folks. I do not own a cell phone and I doubt if I ever will. Strangely enough, here I am BLOGGING... on an actual COMPUTER! I have no idea how technology hasn't passed me by.

And you should totally check out my thumbs. Having never texted in my life, they are as smooth as a baby's bottom... or a baby's thumb... unless the baby owns a cell phone as many of them do.