Computer Techs = Dorks, School Computer Techs = SUPER DORKS!

The school district computer techs finally showed up today to fix Safari on my Mac laptop. They were nice enough dorks. Not sure why there was two of them to fix this simple problem though.

READ THIS PORTION IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS OR YOU ARE A COMPUTER NERD. OTHERWISE, SKIP THIS PORTION COMPLETELY. Every time I open Safari, it completely times out and locks up the entire computer. The Mac rainbow thing just spins and spins. I fixed this problem by downloading Firefox, which turns out, I like more anyway.

Okay, so the techs came. They came at 3:30 just as I was walking out the door.

"We're here to fix Mr. Cheeseboy's computer."
"Oh, I am right here, but I fixed it. I downloaded Firefox and it works fine."
"Well, lets take a look at it and see why Safari's not working. It should only take 5 minutes."

They open Safari. It locks up the computer.

3:35 "That's weird, never seen this before. Let's close all the programs and restart the computer." (I tried that, um, 25 times.)
"Mr. Cheeseboy, did you know that when you just X out of programs on Mac's, it doesn't really close the program?"
"Yes, I knew that."
"Well, we tell people because a lot of teachers don't know that."
"Mostly morons?! Am I right?!" (My lame attempt at techie humor was not well received by the techies.)

They spend the next 15 minutes trying to connect to the internet. 10 minutes of which they spent typing in the wrong password.

3:50 "Okay, finally got connected! Now lets see if we can't get Safari running. Should only take five minutes."
"Okay."
"Let's run a (something technical I don't know what it is, but has to do with the hard drive) check. It should only take 5 minutes. Can you hang around a little longer?"
"Sure."

4:07 "That's weird. Everything is clean. I've never seen this before. Got me stumped on this one."
"Like I said, I have been using Firefox and I like it better anyway. So..."
"Yes, but I would really like to know what is going on with this Safari thing. Let me check one more thing. It should only take 5 minutes."

4:20 "You know, you've got a LOT of printers connected to this computer. Do you use that many printers?"
"Well, I have 3 at home and then a bunch here at school I use. Why, is that what is locking up Safari?"
"No, no. It is just really unusual to see someone with that many printers. That's A LOT of printers"
"Oh. I never thought about it."

4:30 "Didn't you say that you like Firefox better?"
"Yes"
"Okay, cause I have no idea what is going on with Safari. This is a new one for me."
"Well, I'll just use Firefox. The computer works fine with Firefox."
"Okay, but we will be back (did I mention that there are TWO of them there to fix this little problem) to try and fix it. I am going to Google this tonight. Here's your computer back."
"Thanks."
"Sorry it took so long."
"It's okay (not really). Hopefully your Google goes well."

I left, one hour after I was heading out the door. Which begs the question, what kind of IT degree do you need to have to Google computer problems? Oh and I guess I need to limit the number of printers I use in order to save face with the computer dorks. (No offense to my friends that are techs.)

SWINE FLU!!!!! I AM A DEAD MAN!

Being the admitted hypochondriac that I am, this swine flu outbreak could be the worst possible scenario I may ever encounter. I want to protect myself (and my family). I need to protect myself (and my family). I DON'T WANT TO DIE OF SWINE FLU! There has to be something I can do. There has to be something I can take. Right now, I am just sitting back and waiting for the vicious bug to infect my body's "digestive", "nervous" and "REALLY nervous" systems. Stupid swine flu.

It's a good thing I am not a farmer. Farmers must be constantly dying of crap. Bird flu from the ducks, mad cow disease from the cows, chickenpox from the chickens and now the swine flu from the swine. Just wait until you see what the goats have in store!

Here's another thing... who calls pigs "swine" nowadays anyway?! It's like "they" (not really sure who "they" are, but "they" are out to get us hypos) are trying to scare us hypochondriacs even more by calling it the "SWINE flu". Just calling it the "pig flu" would lessen my anxiety level two or three strokes on the ole' hypo meter.

So I have begun researching the swine flu to find out it's symptoms and to quell (or more likely heighten) any of my unsubstantiated anxieties. Fortunately every major news site has 8 or 9 articles about pigs flying through the sky and spreading their dreaded flu with razor sharp fangs.

Actually, it turns out that swine flu is actually not even spread by pigs and that it is even safe to eat pork. The first article I read went into great detail about how pig, and pork, are innocent bystanders and their honorable name is being used unfairly to describe a horrific, deadly infestation. I guess it's still safe as long as it is kosher. Actually, maybe kosherizing the pork takes all the flu out of it? Just a thought.

I was interested to read the first article entitled, "Swine Flu Spreads Across the Globe". I learned all about the flu and it was described as "coughing, fever, vomiting" - pretty much... the flu. Being the infectious worry-wart that I am, I looked up another article, "Swine Flu now Inside the United States". This was even worse. Now the virus is creeping up on us like a sneaky, rabid possum on steroids - in fact, it is right in our backyard! Of course, the next article I read was, "Swine Flu Inevitable In Utah". Inevitable? Inevitable? I am a dead man. Do they still have plots available at the Murray City Cemetary?

I had to investigate further. My next article, "How to Protect Yourself from Swine Flu" was an engaging read and it suggested I wash my hands. That's it? Just wash my hands? Dang, I am actually going to have to start washing my hands?! What is this, a McDonalds kitchen about to be inspected by the Health Inspector?! I don't have time to brush my teeth AND wash my hands! I'm a busy man. Oh, and the article also suggested that I "wear a surgical mask". Perfect, I've got one of those in my "dress up" set at home. Sure, the kids generally never want to dress up like a boring doctor (I said generally. Of course, some kids are curious...), but I KNEW there was a reason I kept that old, moldy mask around.

My excitement for swine prep wained a bit when I read my next article, "Do Surgical Masks Really Prevent the Flu?" Of course, they only give 90% protection. A condom promises 98.8% protection! Which makes me wonder - why don't they make surgical masks out of the same material condoms are made of? That would boost the protection percentage up 8 points! Although, you would have to poke holes in the material so you could breath, and I am sure that would lower your protection considerably. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, the swine flu.

Alas, I am but a helpless and moronic man, left to wash my hands every half hour, stock up on duct tape and wear a surgical mask to go pick up a loaf of bread. Oh, and I guess I will have to stop brushing my teeth to make room for all that hand washing. The swine flu is inevitable. As inevitable as death. Too bad they will both probably happen at the same time for me.

Song of the Day: British Sea Power - Waving Flags

This band sounds a bit like The Cure, but with more of a sweeping ballad sound. They are from England, thus the "British" part of their name. Although they performed recently on Letterman, they are clearly bigger in England than here in the states. This song is off their latest, and third album I believe. Pretty good stuff.

Things I miss at Disneyland

Hello Blog O' Cheese crew. Why don't we all hold hands and travel down the road of fond memories and nostalgic times. (Figuratively speaking... unless you would like to all get together some time and hold hands. But I have to warn you, my palms sweat like a pregnant mother's broken water, so I would suggest we stick with the figurative thing.)

As you may know, my family and I are official Disney aficionados. Heck, we love Disney so much we might as well grow blades in our feet and join the traveling "On Ice" show. We visit the magic kingdom at least once a year and we even refer to it lovingly as "our $350.00 a day home away from home... with churros". And while Disneyland has grown and improved over the years, there have been a few good things that have hit the chopping block. May I now present (hold on, let me get my Mickey ears on... okay, all set) the top 5 attractions that I miss the most at Disneyland.

5. The incredible shrinking machine ride. Okay, this ride closed when I was really young, but I swear I can remember it like it was 25 years ago - which it was. I don't remember a lot about this ride, except that my dad loved the thing and wanted to go on it over and over. However, the one thing I remember fondly is that when you are in line, you can watch the people on the ride going through some sort of magical portal that shrunk them to miniature proportions. As a 7 year old, it almost made it seem real. Even back in 1984, that Disney magic dust was working miracles.

4. Captain E-O - I can see why Disney finally axed this one, as a flaming Michael Jackson flailing around in space, dressed in a skin tight jump suit while rescuing strange fluffy aliens was not really the image that they wanted to portray in the early and mid 90's. Nevertheless, the 3-D effects were ahead of their time and the music was actually not too bad. I will say that it is ten times as good as that piece of garbage "Honey I Shrunk the Audience" they have playing now. Oh also, one year I bought a stuffed animal of that strange fluffy creature as my once yearly Disney-memento.

"You're just another part of me."

3. The ski lift over the park. This was a great way to get from one side of the park to the other while exerting zero energy. Plus, it went directly through the Matterhorn. Now, the Matterhorn has two giant, empty holes going through it like it has been hit by two enormous cannonballs. Apparently, people had been spitting and throwing pennies off the thing. I have come up with the perfect solution to this dilemma: Plexiglas.

2. The Singing and Bears - Look, the singing and dancing bears pretty much sucked. However, it was perfect distraction for 20 minutes. A place where you could get out of the sun and just sit. I know my mother-in-law and possibly my mother loved those stupid bears, but I never really got them. The thing was, the mechanical bear playing the giant jug never did anything but lean back and forward playing the giant jug. The bear playing the washboard did nothing but play the washboard every song. We're talking a maximum 3 mechanical movements here. Not exactly 21st century technology at work here. What I wanted to see was the bears jumping around and dancing about the stage. Maybe the bears could even come out into the audience and high five us?

Like I said, 20 minutes of rest was invaluable. Where are we supposed to go now? The Tiki Room? They don't even have chair backs and it's always raining in there.

1. The People Mover - I loved the people mover. I mean, I really loved that stupid thing! It was the only ride, no matter how crowded Disneyland was, that you could always walk on. Again, it gave you a break from the red hot, roasting asphalt that is Tommorowland. Plus as an added bonus, 2 minutes of Tron. Tron!!! While sitting on that thing, I often found myself wondering, "Is this really what the future of travel is really going to be like? Sitting on a plastic bench with a canopy over me, going in a giant circle at 4 miles an hour?" Clearly, Disney doesn't get everything right!

Now, I can understand having to remove some attractions and if they continue to build rides as great as that new Toy Story ride, I really can't complain. But did they really have to get rid of the People Mover?! Tron!!

*My thanks to Ike's facebook status for inspiring this post. Are you in the mood for that handholding session yet? I will bring a roll of paper towels.

If you belong to one of these three groups, I prefer that you do not talk to me.

I love to talk to people, but I do have my pet peeves when I do so. It seems lately that I have had more and more run ins with these peevers. The following conversationalist types need not attempt to speak to me:

Folks that do not know how to end a conversation. These are the people that always always have add that one or two little tidbits to keep me tied up in awkwardness for minutes longer than necessary.

The "lurker". These folks will slime around, looking for a conversation to jump in on. Inevitably, their interrupting comment has nothing to do with the actual subject you were discussing.

The "Debbie Downer" If you have ever seen this SNL skit, you know exactly what I mean. The only thing that ever comes out of this person's mouth are nagativities.

Now, not to worry. Those that frequent the Blog O' Cheese, at least those that I am aware of, do not fit into any of these three categories.

Useful motivational techniques to get a group of First Graders to sit in peaceful silence for 15 minutes.

My birthday present wish list.

MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT WISH LIST

(I’ve crossed out the items I cannot afford.)

1. Medieval suit of armor.

2. Macrame plant holder.

3. Personalized magician showing by Harry Schudinni.

4.  Croc – skinned crocs.

5. Giant sized harmonica.

6. A cameo in the next Pauley Shore movie.

7. A gift card to Build-A-Bear Workshop.

8. Combination snow cone/cotton candy maker.

9. “Quest For Perfection” tee shirt.

10. Susan Boyle bobble-head

11. A large bag of caffeinated sunflower seeds. (They really exist!)

12. Armband to hold iPod while I run.

13. Season tickets to University of Utah football games.

Birthday??? Why it's mine, thank you!

Song of the Day: Neil Diamond - I Am, I Said

Neil, the greatest singer/songwriter of this or any generation.  A man of many talents and many X wives.  A man, so thoroughly gifted, he is required by God to wear rhinestones.  If you notice closely, his sweat makes the rhinestones shine every so brightly.  I saw him sing this song on Oprah and she was almost brought to tears... and so was I... and so was I.

Grandparents Day Is Super Swell!

Today was Grandparents day at school.  I wish it hadn't been.  Grandparents day tends to be a bit chaotic with lots of old people wandering the halls, yelling their grandchild's name and acting very confused. 

Of course, every child expects a Grandpa or Grandma to walk through the door, regardless of if they have a living Grandparent or if their Grandparents live in Guatemala. And of course, if their Grandparent does not show up, there is much weeping and flailing of arms.  You try and explain to a six year old that they have to eat lunch alone because Grandpa died five years ago while hunting with Dick Chaney.

It makes you feel very old when a couple of the Grandparents that show up are actually your aunt and uncle.

I'm not at all anti-grandpa or even anti-Grandparents day.  In fact, I think that Grandparents day should extend to later in life.  Everyone should have Grandma or Grandpa show up at their place of work once a year to take them to lunch.  Perhaps on "Grown Up Grandparent Day", when they come to our workplaces, we can teach them how to copy and paste on the computer?

One more thing: What is with old people and carrying cash?  Today I saw a 75 year old man pay for his $2.00 slice of pizza with a $100 bill.  

Things I learned by running the marathon yesterday.

Well, as you may have already read or realized, I ran in an actual race for the first time yesterday.  It was an intensely intense experience that had a ton of intensity.  There was a lot to be learned for my next race...

1. At the beginning of the race, you are not as fast as you think you are.  The first 3-4 miles of the race is less about running and more about dodging slowpokes.  Here I was, passing person after person, thinking I was the fastest man alive.  In reality, I was simply passing folks that were setting a very slow pace - but most of them were in my way.  It's a little bit like Frogger - you have to pick your openings and then dart through them.  It was this way for what seemed like a very long time.

2. People handing out water will hold it out for you, but it is perfectly acceptable to slow way down and just take it from them.  I had visions of grandeur of grabbing the water in mid-stride and then pouring all over my face.  Perhaps those that actually are winning the race do this, but honestly, the group I was in was perfectly content with walking over to the table and politely taking the water.

3.  At around mile 8, the people that you are running with start to sound like a bunch of exhausted horses walking up a steep hill.  You hear a lot of grunting, moaning and puffing and some of them start to walk.

4. There are quite a few bands/musicians that play along the route.  This was actually kinda cool - especially the 80 year old grandma barbershop quartet on 21st south.

5. There is much excitement/anticipation/adrenaline at the beginning and ending of the race.  The rest of the time, you are kinda just running. 

6. Never run right behind a jerkwad that looks like he may spit at any time.  He missed me, barely... this time.

7.  It is very humbling to run along side a 12 year old boy for most of the race.  It is also humbling to pass a 75 year old grandpa at mile 10 and think, "It took me ten miles to pass him?!  Really?  Ten miles?"

8. Drink lots of water and save some of that energy and adrenaline for the last mile of the race.  The last 3 blocks, I was totally cramping up and overcome with exhaustion.  I jogged to the finish, but everyone else was sprinting and passing me by. 

9. People that are in cars waiting and are "inconvenienced" this one time a year can be complete moronic terds.  

10.  When making an iPod playlist for the race, make sure you save some of the best motivational songs for the end of the race.  Don't waste all your best songs on the beginning.  

11. Of all the people cheering you on, not all of them combined feels better than seeing your own family at the finish line.

Oh, and if you win, don't expect a giant check. In fact, you probably shouldn't expect a check at all.

Saturday Graph: Things You Should And Should Not Eat After A Half Marathon As Experienced By Me Today

Cease to Exist Order - Food Edition

I hereby decree that the following foods must cease to exist because of their overall stupidity:

1. Drinkable yogurt. I'll admit, Cathi has been buying these in ultimate bulk it seems. But drinkable? Are we too lazy to actually use a spoon? Yeah, that dipping and lifting action is real work on my bachioradialis. I just can't take it anymore And didn't we have drinkable yogurts before anyway? They are called "smoothies". Do we now need to start calling milkshakes "drinkable ice cream"?!

2. Cookie Crisp. Once again, I have to admit, we seem to have bought our share of this crap lately. But honestly, what is the point? It's just cookies floating around in milk. Not exactly even part of a healthy breakfast. The funny thing is that Calder ate like five bowls in one sitting the other day. Cathi was amazed at his enormous appetite that day. I was thinking, "of course he ate five helpings, it's cookies and milk for breakfast." Don't even ask what he got for dessert.

3. Any microwavable popcorn that is not "Extra Butter", "Ultimate Butter", or at the very least, "Movie Theater Butter" flavored. The other day I accidentally had some non-buttered "healthy pop". I let that nasty crud fall to the floor while thinking "what the heck was that?! Somebody replaced my popcorn with packing foam." Once you have developed a taste for the rich, creaminess of buttered popcorn, eating butterless is kinda like drinking just plain water. Next you will be telling me that they have butterless, salt free popcorn! Wouldn't that be a little like swallowing air? You know what they say, "Once you've had butter, your heart's aflutter.... (from early onset heart disease)."

4. Skim milk. Okay, milk is not supposed to look like water - it's just not natural. If two cows were standing in a barn getting milked - and one of them saw that the other one had some clearish milk coming out of it's utters, it would be like, "Betsy - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! Your milk is totally all watery and gross looking! Let Farmer Brown taste it! See, he even says it tastes like water! Who is ever going to want to buy watery milk from a sick cow? Health freaks and overanxious dieters that don't care if they pour water all over their Cookie Crisp?! You better hope so or Farmer Brown is going to put you down... and soon."

I have honestly heard people defend Skim Milk by saying, "Normal milk is just too creamy for me." Too creamy?! What the crud? Yeah, keep telling yourself that. The same thing goes for people that say, "Regular soda is just too sweet for me now." Okay, you started drink Diet Soda and now your taste buds are just too good for regular soda? What are you, some sort of soda yuppie? "Yeah, you can have your deliciously sugared normal soda - as for me and my house, we prefer our soda bland and with an ritzy aspertine aftertaste." Too sweet?! Sure, I can understand saying you don't want to gain weight, but to claim that something is "too sugary" makes you sound pathetic. What's next?...

I would never date Angelina Jolie because she is way too pretty. I like my girls to look like Susan Boyle. I used to like pretty girls, but now that I have gone ugly, I just can't think of pretty girls the same way.

MARATHON SATURDAY! (Well, half.)

Saturday I shall run a half marathon. This time, not alone. I will girdle up my loins, strap on my overused Nikes and run like the wind.

More accurately, I will run like a soft breeze. Here is the problem: According to my records, I obtained a nasty cold on March 18. This cold lasted a full three weeks. It seemed to finally subside and I was able to run minimally for about a week around March 31. Shortly after, my cold either returned or I obtained a new cold. This cold hit me even harder and came with headaches, severe drowsiness and more coughing than a coughing machine.

I have begun to get better from this second strain and besides the occasional cough, I feel fine. I went to the doc's on Monday. I seem to have developed a strange crinkling sound/sensation in my lung on the right side. Having had Pneumonia several times in my life, I was freaking out a bit. The doctor did a chest X-Ray and it came back normal. The doctor told me that it was probably just some gunk from the cold rolling around.

One of my student's mom paid the $70. entry fee and they will be there rooting for me. Dropping out is not really an option.

I was finally able to run tonight... 7 miles to be exact. I have not really run in almost a month and I realized that I am completely out of shape. 13 miles is going to be a real chore - 7 miles was rough enough. My strange crackling sensations have seemed to have gotten worse, and being the enormous hypochondriac that I am, it scares me a little. But I assume that if something were really wrong with me, I probably would have not been able to run 7 miles.

So, we'll see how Saturday goes. Maybe I'll be breaking records with my new crackling lungs and out of shape beer belly. If you want to cheer me on, I will be running from 7:00 AM - 9:00 AM and the race ends at the Gateway. I will be starting with my good friend Jesse. My sister-in-law, Jana, will also be running.

Sorry, no humor in me today. I apologize for the boring post.

Song of the Day: Human Highway - The Sound

Howdy folks. Today's little ditty is a number by a pop/folk act called Human Highway. This catchy tune is the first song on their debut album. Not a lot of sex appeal here, but if you allow it, this song will be in your brain for days.