# of bumper stickers on a car vs. how much the person driving the car makes.

My initial plans for an evening with Mr. Richard Simmons

My night with Richard Simmons

(I have drawn up plans for an evening together with Richard Simmons. Granted, I must first actually meet and befriend Richard - and he is 61 now. Doesn't look it though. Doesn't look it one bit.)

4:00 - John Schmidt concert. (Hope he plays "Waterfalls!)

5:00 - Eat hot wings at Hooters.

5:30 - Have a fight with a fire extinguisher.

5:45 - Draw each other's blood. Give blood to poor orphans.

6:15 - Step Into The Oldies, Volume 3

6:45 - Towel off, reapply grease.

7:15 - Spend time gluing glitter to red tank tops.

8:00 - Settle in and watch Ernest Goes to Camp (On separate couches, of course.)

10:00 - Attend Harlem Globetrotters game in newly bedazzled tank tops.

10:30 - Frolic through the Gateway fountains.

11:00 - Towel off, reapply grease.

11:30 - Step Into Oldies, Volume 5

12:00 - Towel off, apply nighttime "exfoliating" body oil.

12:15 - Punch Richard in the stomach, wish him well and send him on his way.

A Very Important Thing

For those of you that may not know, I am a huge Demetri Martin fan. He has a new show, Important Things With Demetri Martin. It is a mix of skits and standup. The skits are awful, but the stand up is hillariawesome. Here is a sneak peak:

Important Things with Demetri MartinWed 10:30pm / 9:30c

Brains - Some Data

Joke of the Day
Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games
More Funny Videos

"The Healthly Food Corner" with Cheeseboy

I saw this on The Daily Show last night and thought it was just too unreal to be true:

Is it any wonder we are so fat in this country? Half bacon, half mayonnaise. I almost went into a diabetic coma just hearing about it. FORTUNATELY, our friends at Pepperidge Farms have come up with Bacconaise LITe - for those of us that are dieting:

Thank heavens, for those of us that have an actual food conscience, there are easy, low cal meals that a very inexpensive. I give you exhibit A: The Jimmy Dean Chocolate Chip Pancake and Sausage on a Stick -

I can just feel my arteries squeeze shut.

(Last night Jon Stewart dipped the sausage on a stick in the Baconaise. Mmm)

American Idol fans - vote for Norman Gentle. Do it now.

My suggestion to KTVX News to improve ratings.

Email sent to KTVX News Staff today at 5:00 using my real name. I will post if I receive a response.

Dear KTVX 4 News,
Your newscasting is impeccable, your reporting rock solid. In addition, Ross Becker's hair is full of majestic grace. Which begs the question: Why the low ratings?
I have two words for you: MUS... STACHES.

You could be the only all mustached news team.

Hear me out. Brent Hunsaker? Make that Brent HUNKsaker. Meteorologist, Todd Gross? Make that Meteorologist of Sexy, Todd Gross. Reporter, Chris Vanocur? Make that Reporter of Sexy, Chris Vanocur. Reporter Marcos Ortiz? ALREADY MUSTACHED! The "Utah View" host, Reagan Leadbetter? Hold on, I am just receiving word that she is a woman. What kind of woman has the first name Reagan?

Of course, the women would not have to sport a mustache, but they might want to put a fake one on a time or two in jest - perhaps during sweeps week.

I don't need credit for this idea. Just have Karen Carlson wink into the camera. I will know that it is meant for me.

Your welcome.
Cheeseboy

I am the greatest basketball player alive! And I have the story to prove it.

The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Teachers nine that day;
The score stood forty to thirty, with but one quarter left to play.

T'was Mr. Yospe's turn to take the court...

(Who am I kidding, I am not going to rhyme this whole thing out. I am going to just tell you what happened; as melodramatically as possible.)

Our spirits shattered, our hope hanging by the thread of my 2007 Sketcher Cross trainer shoelace - the sixth graders had us by the throat, twisting ever so slightly. Ever so confident that the game had turned and our agony would soon be extended a full year.

The pulse of the crowd had turned against us. Chants of "GO SIXTH GRADE" filled the arena/audi-cafi-nasium like rice flowing through an empty man-sized jar. As I stepped on that court that day, I am not sure I fully understood the magnitude of that moment. My mind flashed back to my youth...

The ball bounced with abandon on my backyard basketball court. With cracked, weather worn hands I would play, working on everything from my slam-ball form to my dunk-ability quotient. We built it and they came: friends from all walks of the neighborhood. They came from far and wide to the mecca of dunkball: the Yospe backyard. We were referred to as "The Chosen" - an elite group of dunkballers gathered together to slam, jam and wham-a-jamma-ding-SLAM!

I knew that this was moment I had trained for all those many years ago. Those countless hours of dunking in the rain; learning how to correctly hang on the rim as to not land on a dear friend. I glanced at the puny sixth graders across from me, and then at the rim and I realized - neither stood a chance. For what was about to hit them was a Yospe tornado... a "Yosp-A-do" if you will.

What happened next left the sixth grade boys reeling back into the fifth grade and beyond. Steal, dunk. Block, dunk. Rebound, monster dunk. When the dust cleared, the sixth graders and their iniquitous - 2 points for every basket to our 1 rule - stood in stunned silence. Mr. Yospe, the dominator, had won the game for the teachers.

As I was raised high above the shoulders of the other teachers and carried off the court, I could feel that the tides had changed. The crowd was now chanting "MR. YOSPE, MR. YOSPE". My mind again went back to those hours of shooting hoop on cold rainy days in my backyard for endless hours. "It was worth it, it was worth it." was all that went through my mind. I glanced over to the sideline while being carried in glory and I swear I saw Mr. Miaggi wink at me...

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,

The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere teachers laugh, and sixth graders do wail;

But there is no joy in West Jordan — mighty Yospe raised some hell.

8 Random Things

I have finally gotten around to posting 8 random things - as encouraged by Ike's so called "tag".  The problem seemed to be that I did not have 8 things to BS about.  Thus, I believe I have finally met that quota and will do my best to squeeze out 8 for you to enjoy.

1. Perhaps most importantly , Lincoln made a basket during his Junior Jazz game.  It was a surreal moment and I believe he has enjoyed every second of attention that it has garnered him.  He is certainly one of the most improved players on the team and he sometimes actually seems to have a clue what is going on.  In fact, on the drive home, I heard him tell Ryan that he thought that Ryan was the best player on the team and he was the second best player.  I guess scoring one basket kinda went to his head.

2. Chris Buttars is a joke of a human being. He can say whatever he wants about whomever he wants and claim "free speech".  However, if he is going to go around spreading hate, he is going to have to take accountability for what he says.  He is so spiteful, vindictive and... ugly.  Yeah, that's right, you heard me.  He's got the face of a fattened alligator.  A professional grump.

Further, Buttars claims many of his retired cronies would make excellent teachers.  Uh, okay.  Right Chrissy, without student teaching, a single course in classroom management and any clue how to deliver instruction, your old legislative "pals" could walk into any classroom and be a shining star.  Bring them to me, give them 45 minutes in my classroom and see if you feel the same way.  I'm sure their "life experience" will help them know how to teach special needs kids to read. Yeah right.  Moron.

3. Cathi and I watched a fantastic movie this weekend.  Of course the movie has been out for quite some time and I have been meaning to see it for the same amount of "quite some time".  Nevertheless, I finally libraried the thing and we sat down together on Saturday for a warm February's tale. 

 The flick is called, Lars and the Real Girl.  It is about a lonely, shy guy that orders a fake woman on the internet.  When she arrives, he believes she is real and everyone in the town goes along with his demented reality in effort to cure him.  I found myself laughing out loud and then feeling guilty for doing so.  It really is quite gripping and entertaining.  I hereby sanction all Blog O' Cheese readers to see it.  I expect a full report by next Monday.

3. In and Out is coming to Northern Utah.  That's great.  Good burgers, fries are average.  I will still go to Crown Burger over In and Out any day.  That's not to say that I will not accept a free trip to In and Out for those that may be considering taking me there to prove me wrong.

4. I buzzed my head last night.  My Principal always says, and said once again today, "It must be spring time, for the annual 'Shearing of the Yospe' has taken place". And  thank goodness - I am done with combing. 

5. The Utes are looking good once again.  Does it make me a pansy that I have not watched a single game this year, except for one on the internet?  Stupid MTN.

6. Celine Dion, one of my favorite targets, played at the Energy Solutions Arena last night and I was not there.  Humorous aside - my brother Ike is in charge of FM 100's promotions.  Well he got a call last night from his FM 100 guy saying that he had set up the FM 100 van outside the arena and put up the sound system.  He was going to put on FM 100 over the sound system, but realized that "Soft Sunday Sounds" would be playing and came to the conclusion that playing "Soft Sunday Sounds" while people went into the arena to watch a show on Sunday would probably not be appropriate.

Sorry Celine, maybe I will catch you next time.

7. If you haven't caught Demetri Martin's Show, Real Things with Demetri Martin on Comedy Central yet, it is time you have.  Actually, let me give you a suggestion: DVR the show, watch the stand up portions and skip through the skits.  The skits are awful, the stand up is amazing.  A couple people have told me that I remind them of him, which I take as truly the highest compliment.

8. Finally, if this is not the funniest thing on SNL this season, I am not sure what is.  Every time I watch it I can not stop laughing.  

justin timberlake snl beyonce single ladies video

Swear Words Said Daily By Beavers

Top Ten Signs Your Mormon Movie Stinks.

In honor of the recently announced, Mormon movie "Scout Camp", I give you...


(Before we get to the Mormon movie stuff, I know what you are thinking, "A movie about Scout Camp?! What the heck?!". But, I have been told that this movie will in fact reach new levels of Mormon movie torpidity - so there is that to look forward to.)


Top Ten Signs that your Mormon movie is a piece of crap:

10. Most of the filming was done in an actual, echoing cultural hall.
9. Kirby Heyborne is in it (without the beer...although it would have probably been better if it were in fact a beer commercial).
8. There are no fewer than eight jokes about jello. (This could also include an disgusting abundance of jokes about: ice cream, having tons of kids, Republicans, lame RS homemaking projects, going to hell if you don't go to BYU, caffeinated sodas, saying words like "gosh" and "freak" too often, having kids with names like "Nephi", jokes about Steve Young, etc.)
7. The movie has "Single's Ward" in the title.
6. Somebody quotes the movie in Sunday School and before they quote it, they say something like, "I know it's kind of hokey, but in the Home Teachers movie...".
5. It will someday be placed in the "LDS" section at Blockbuster.
4. The soundtrack includes Thurl Bailey, Ryan Shupe and a spiky haired, boy-band trio called, "Celestialized".
3. Every family in Orem/Draper will have it on a shelf above their television.
2. The biggest named star you could get to be in the film is Gary Coleman and even then he refuses to say, "Watcha' talkin' bout, Bishop?".
1. There is an completely stereotypical - borderline racist - humongous Polynisian guy in the cast that acts like he is actually retarded.

The boys love their Grandpa!

In effort to appease those that are moaning that I do not post enough family related crap, I present to you today a few pictures to tie you over for awhile.  Plus, I have had these since Disneyland and was planning on eventually post them, why not today?  Plus, the last few posts have taken a ton of creative energy and I feel I deserve a break.  (That's not to say that I won't post something to chuckle at later tonight.)

Today's question - Who is cuter?  Grandpa or his Grandboys?  Tough call.

Lincoln & Grampa

Clark & Calder Clark

We Yospe's just are not meant to be blond.

I knew that it wouldn't last, but I still miss Calder's long, blond hair from last summer.

Before:

Now

Still a goofball.

Song of the Day: Decemberists - O Valencia

A good band (albeit a "great" band in Tim's eyes), fantastic song.  

Cheeseboy's Rules For Hugging

I enjoy hugging my wife and kids.  In fact, it has become one of my favorite times of the day.  Hugging others outside of my family, however, has become a complex, socially awkward puzzle that I have yet to solve.

When I was at the MTC, I would anxiously await the arrival of the new missionaries on Wednesday afternoons.  In effort to entertain the others in my zone, I would select one missionary that had just dropped his bags off in his dorm.  I would then walk over to the boy, welcome him to the MTC and hug the snot out of him.  I would then hold the hug for an uncomfortable amount of time.  After about 45 excruciating seconds, the missionary would almost always pull away in frustration, thank me for the greeting and fall back in line to travel to his appointed destination.  I was never once physically threatened or assaulted.  I mean, what where they going to do?  They were overwhelmed with being brand new missionaries on their first day.

Now, when someone attempts to hug me, I never quite know how to react.  Would a tight squeeze be overkill?  Should I stick my butt out to avoid full body contact?  How much back patting is appropriate?  Do I connect my fingers behind their back?  Do I rub the back instead of the usual pat?  Which of my acquaintances deserves a rub and which one deserves a pat?  Do I avoid facial contact?  What if our cheeks rub together on accident? Should I lift them off the ground?  Should I lift them off the ground with one arm while patting their back with the other.  What if they are extremely tall and I accidentally pat them on the butt?

I have therefore made some ground rules and I have designed the following hugs for the following people:

Wife: Anything goes.  (However, back patting your wife is just goofy.)

My Kids: The lift off floor hug is highly effective and should be used daily.

Grandma: A semi-firm hug without patting as I would not want to break her ribs.  Cheek kiss is also deemed appropriate.

Male Friend: Butt out, quick release, strong pats to signify brotherhood. Really, just an extended "chest bump".

Female Friend: This is where it gets really tricky.  If my wife is not there, please do not hug me.  If my wife is there, a hug may be acceptable, depending on the looks of the friend and the closeness of our friendship.  For example: 

A. You are a decent looking lady and my wife gives the nod of approval, you may have a quick, non full body hug.  

B. If you are an ugly monstrosity with facial hair, you may have a longer hug, but definitely no back rubbing.  This is what I commonly refer to as the "mercy hug".  

C. If you are just an average looking lady - please, no hug.

Boss: Boss dictates everything about the hug.  Whatever he or she wants, he or she gets.  It is, after all, a very rough economic year.

Father in law: What has worked well for me is the side hug.  The side hug consists of standing side by side, interlocking arms while simultaneously back patting each other.  

Mother in law: A quick cheek to cheek hug with limited full body contact.  Back patting should not be attempted.

Mother: See Grandma

Father:  The "male friend" hug but with more contact with the upper body and a longer length of stay.

Business or Work Acquaintance: No body or face contact.  Contact should be limited to the shoulder region.

Midget Friend: Provide a stool or chair.  Never lift a midget up to hug.  Believe me, it will not go well for you.

Friend with no arms: Hug them twice to make up for the missing arms. Do not mention the missing arms.

Monkey: Allow a monkey to swing around on your neck and when it comes to the front of you, grab and hold.  It will be an adorable moment you shall cherish forever.

Long lost love: Gain eye contact with the person from a distance and then run in slow motion towards that person.  Embrace with everything you've got and hold the embrace while the camera slowly moves around you.

Recently found child that was lost: See above.

Horse: Wrap arms around neck of horse, rest head on horse's side, whisper how much the horse means to you before horse is hauled away to be put to sleep.  (Also, this works for dogs.)

** Note, the above 3 posts should only be attempted if you are an actor in a movie.

Porcupine: Place muzzle over mouth, pull out quills one at a time, wipe off excess blood from pulled out quills and tie legs together.  Wrap your arms around the entire body of de-quilled porcupine and squeeze.

Paris Hilton: Wrap your arms around her twice, squeeze extra gently as to not break her - use the "Grandma" rule of thumb here.

Dolly Parton: Wear a breastplate for protection.

Learning life lessons from the Beav (and Wally) for our little Beav (and Wally)

My boys really are Wally and the Beav.  About the same age difference, about the same personalities.

Lincoln has begun to watch reruns of Leave It To Beaver on the TV Land channel. I say "reruns" because I am fairly sure that there have not been any new episodes in over 50 years, besides of course, the The New Leave It To Beaver Show (with Eddie Haskle in a staring role), that was on in the mid 80's.

In the most recent episode that Lincoln and I watched, Beaver and his pal Lumpy, found an old Nordic pipe that his father had received from a friend as a souvenir. They then stuffed the pipe with coffee and attempted to smoke it. Lincoln found this act to be especially offensive as the boys were clearly violating three definitive laws of adolescence - at the same time: drinking coffee, lighting matches and smoking. The ultimate trifecta of evil! Filthy and despicable. Simply a vile act which is incomprehensible to an innocent, seven year old mind.

Now, "Lumpy" may be the worst childhood nickname of all time. The only name I can think would be worse for a kid is "Chunk" from the Goonies. How in the world is any kid named "Lumpy" or "Chunk" ever supposed to get a girl to date him? I do however, enjoy eating at Lumpy's occasionally. (A private club for members only.) I have not yet tried the restaurant "Chunky's", nor do I think I would like to. "They have the best beef strogonauf down at Chunky's..." Uh, no thanks.

Lumpy, unsatisfied with smoking coffee grounds, went home and obtained old, discarded tobacco from his parent's ash trays. Beaver then sat with him on the floor of the kitchen and enjoyed a good, old fashioned smoke. Lincoln, still a little flabbergasted at the thought of the boys smoking, was pleased to hear that it gave the Beav a stomach ache. However, he was a little dumbfounded and angry that Beaver let Wally take the fall for the smoking.

Given that Calder's personality very much matches the Beaver's and Lincoln's very much matches Wally's, I believe that in Lincoln's mind he could foresee this exact situation unfold in the future - and that he would someday have to take the blame for Calder's smoking. That reminds me, I have been meaning to give my gigantic Nordic pipe to the D.I. Does the D.I. accept pipes? What about bongs? Nordic bongs?

During the episode I tried to point out to Lincoln how Wally and the Beav stayed seated during the entire evening meal; how they politely asked to be excused, and especially how the brothers did not tease each other to incite painful, high pitched squealing from their sibling. Lincoln informed me that he was not impressed and told me that normal kids do not act this way. Clearly, in effort to raise more well rounded children, we need to watch this show more often.

What I would really like to see is June Cleaver on Wife Swap. I can picture it now - June is sent to a trailer park just outside of Detroit. Her new home is filled with 8 cats, a screaming, snotty nosed kid waddling around in a poopy diaper while her new husband wipes potato chip crumbs off his chest onto the living room floor. Who wouldn't pay to see her adapt to this new habitat? Why didn't they have reality TV back in the 50's?

Watching Leave It To Beaver is a little like watching an English comedy. Many of the phrases and slang terms seemed to be something out of a parallel universe. One of the conversations on the show went something like this:

Beaver: Golly Ge, I didn't mean to rat on Lumpy. We were just messin around and now he's in a hunka trouble. We were just goofing and now I feel just crummy.

Wally: Oh cut the gas Beaver. Don't get so frosted. Lumpy's a bit kookie but he will he won't sweat it. He's no wet rag.

It's a miracle Lincoln understood a thing that was going on.

It was a good thing we watched it on a Monday night because we passed it off as a family home evening lesson. Perhaps we should start spending every Monday night with the Cleaver family. I can't wait to see what other life lessons the Cleavers have in store and to see what kind of trouble our own Wally and Beaver might get into in the future.  (I'll let you figure out which one is Wally and which one is Beaver.)