The Redbox Conundrum

While at the McDonalds tonight, I glanced over to the "Redbox" movie rental thingy.  While eating my cholesterol nuggets and downing my aneurysm liquid, I noticed a women browsing through the movie selection.  She looked normal enough and I didn't give it a second thought.  The boys went and played on the plastic tubing and we went about our business.  As we left, I glanced over to see that the same women was still looking for an entertainment option for the evening.  35 minutes. 35 minutes!

The moral of this story? Please circle the best answer:

A. No person should ever have to spend more than 6.8 minutes at a Redbox.

B. Abe is spending entirely too much time at McDonalds.

C.  The short synopsis of the movies in the Redbox are not at all informative enough.

D. Give a man a fish fillet; you have fed him for today.  Teach a man to make a fish fillet; you have fed him for a lifetime.

E. Common sense in an uncommon degree is what the world calls wisdom.

Any other ideas as to why this women stood facing a Redbox for a full 40 minutes?

My trophy case is full of awards I have received from various Turkey Bowls throughout the years.

I still felt slightly ill on Thursday, so I missed our ward's annual Turkey Bowl.  It is the first such bowl I have missed since we moved here and it sounds like I was sorely missed.  At least -none- persons told me today that the team could just not move the ball without my tight spirals in the short game and my finesse on the long balls.  

Last year I was the most effective quarterback in the nation, throwing for two touchdowns and no interceptions.  I was highly efficient in the red zone as well, as I scored in 90% of my tries, not including field goals, as we did not have field goal posts.  

Last year, I was named Most Valuable Player award, given to the player that is considered to be the least crappy.  Had I not just made the award up, I surely would have won it due to my ability to get the "Special Teams" involved; and by special, I mean the guy with Down Syndrome and the various, uncoordinated 11 year old boys scattered throughout the field.  I have actually received the award longest punt, which would be true, except for the fact that I just made that up as well.

Why is it that an 11 year old can stand uncovered for nearly 45 minutes of game play and when you finally hit him in the gut with a super-sharp, spiral pass and he drops it because it "knocked the wind out of him", he "doesn't want to play anymore"?  Watching him fold over and fall to the ground in attempt to catch his breath is just another disheartening sign of the softness of today's generation.  Perhaps they just want to go home and play Madden 08 on the XBox?  Just one of the many downfalls of the Turkey Bowl.

Now, I would certainly say that we have one of the least athletic wards you have ever seen, myself included.  That is the great thing about playing yourselves - you never lose.  If we ever had to play a neighboring ward, I would put the Hillcrest Ward line as a 35 point underdog - unless, of course, we were allowed to "recruit".  

The Turkey Bowl has evolved through the years:  Thanks to global warming, the coats that were once used to mark the out of bounds lines have been replaced with sweatshirts.  I am just waiting for the year that it is warm enough that we can go shirts and skins.  I would not be reluctant to show off my Chewbacca laced body in order to distract the opposing team.  Perhaps they would mistake me for the mascot or perhaps they would just think I had a fur coat on?  Either way, next year I am taking off my shirt, even if we are not playing shirts and skins.  I need to check with Al Gore on the climate change projections for the next few years.

Some things have changed throughout the history of the Turkey Bowl: The 11 year old, uncoordinated boys remain, but now they are 15 and slightly coordinated. However, many of the 30 year old, uncoordinated white guys have changed.  What remains constant is a good cup of hot chocolate, a chocolate-chocolate doughnut and a fine ol' time.  Oh, and waking up the next morning with a stiff neck and the sorest butt cheeks of your life.  

Next year I am aiming for either the "Most Improved Player" award or the "Nicest Tight End".  I'll just have Cathi do the voting.  Or perhaps, "Most Corny Halftime Dance Routine".  (See below)  Imagine that dance, only shirtless!  (Or don't.  I know I probably wouldn't want to if I were you.) It's sure to take home the blue ribbon, if we were to give out ribbons for fake halftime shows.

Cheeseboy Dance Party 08!

If you are a boy that lives in our house, one of your favorite things to do is dance!  We have a dance party about once a week.  Here is a little slice of heaven, a piece of today's:

Like I said, no shame left.

Lincoln's Superhero Questions

Lincoln and I have been watching a dizzying amount of superhero movies as of late.  I have been trying to keep him abreast of which superheroes have specific powers, which are good guys and which are mortal.  We have watched Ironman, Hulk and Batman Begins in the last week and yes, I am one of those dads that is contributing to the delinquency of society by allowing my impressionable six year old watch incredibly violent movies.  In the distant future, when I have to bail him out of jail for bank robbery, we can blame it on Ironman, because well, that's just what we Americans do.

Given that Lincoln has very little understanding of superpowers, we have had a few funny conversations over the course of the movies.  I, of course, answer all of his questions with guesses, but act as though my answers are proven, scientific facts.  A typical question and answer session goes a little something like this:

Lincoln:  Dad, how does Batman fly?

Abe:  I think it has something to do with the material that his batwings are made of.  They allow him to soar through the air.  

Lincoln:  Why didn't the Hulk make one of those so he could fly?

Abe:  There wasn't enough material left to make one for someone as big as the Hulk.

or...

Lincoln:  Dad, what does that light in the middle of Ironman's chest do?

Abe:  That keeps his heart going.

Lincoln: How?

Abe:  [Really, I have no clue] It has a magnet in it that keeps the metal from touching his heart.

Lincoln: Oh, but what does the light do?

Abe: It tells him that it is working.

or...

Lincoln:  How does the Hulk's pants stay on when he gets really big?

Abe:  He's got some of those really stretchy pants.

Lincoln: Dad, the Hulk is HUGE though.

Abe: He must put on some special pants as soon as he turns into the Hulk.

Lincoln:  We saw him turn into the Hulk and he didn't put on any pants, dad.

Abe: Well, he just must be wearing stretchy pants that are made for really big people.

Lincoln: I want to be the Hulk for Halloween next year.

Abe: I guess we better go to the Big and Tall store then.

Lincoln: What is the Big and Tall store?

Black Friday is upon us.

Some things women do, I just don't get. For instance, this whole 'Black Friday' thing. Don't they know that retail stores are open almost every day of the year?  Some of them even holding what is referred to as "sales" - sometimes in the middle of the summer!

 I guess it's not just women that fall into the Black Friday trap. When I worked at Target, I noticed there was a good 20% of the line that were men - they most likely have been dragged out of bed to help fend off the crowds. I am sure most guys want to spend their day off waking up at three in the morning, driving to Target and standing in line with a thousand angry women.  It's the perfect post-Thanksgiving treat.

I saw today that a Walmart employee was actually killed today by an onslaught of people that actually broke down the doors. Are people really that eager to spend their money? Yes, yes they are. I witnessed it in the November of 97' when I was supposed to help "secure" the doors at Target. Had I not been quick on my feet, I could just have easily been the dead Target employee. It was in the November of 97 that I learned many of the sad realities of life. Well, not many, just this one. But, I remember that I learned it in the November of 97.  I am still not sure what the lesson I learned was.

I realize there are folks, and many friends of mine, that love the 4:00 AM shopping experience. I am just saying - I just don't get it. There is nothing in this world that I would ever wake up at 3:00 AM to buy, even if it is a $350.00 laptop. And even then, if they only have ten of them, who knows if you'll even get one? That is a sad trip back to the old minivan - knowing that you could still be in bed, but got up three hours ago to be told to go home.

During my time at Target, I spent most of my time in the stock room. It was a great job for those like I that enjoy large, extended periods of time zoning out and doing mind numbing activities. If I could have made $40,000 a year in that stockroom, I would probably still be there, scanner in hand, trying to locate the women's hair brushes for the third time in one day. Unfortunately, besides the pay, there was one drawback to this job: If the store got extremely busy, we were required to help at the registers. This happened once in the six months that I worked at Target - Black Friday, November of 97.

Now, if you had me as your checkout person during that hour that I ran a register that day, you were in luck. I know that there were more than two people that I did not scan their checks and a couple that got away without their credit card going through. But, what did they expect? I had no idea what I was doing and the manager was pushing, pushing, pushing us to get people through those registers. The 20 minute training I had received four months previous just was not cutting it. I actually remember running out of single dollars and giving someone 15 quarters as change.

I hope that Walmart moved those old greeters out of the way when they opened the doors this morning. Perhaps they could at least give them a 20 foot high pedestal to stand on so they could at least smile and wave at the customers. However, that would be quite a reach down to stick a smiley-face sticker on a kid. Perhaps the greeters are just used as extra "security" during Black Friday. You know, patrolling the place with a badge and a nightstick.

What I am thankful for...

Cousin Tim for inspiring this guy -

See Jordan and Dad - told you He was there.

My attempt to be cool by wearing Heely's

Yes, I own a pair of Heely's.  I will admit it.  No, wait, why am I admitting anything?  I am proud of this!  They are great fun and I feel like a kid when I wear them.

I have been practicing and I am pretty close to being able to pull this off:

I'm not saying I could do it now, I'm just saying soon...

The first time I put on my Heely's I feel backwards onto my caboose.  It would not be the only time.  The shoes come with a training video that strongly suggests you wear a helmet and pads when riding. Of course, I am too cool for that crap.

Now, I understand that some of the old farts in this world have become annoyed and irked by the kids wearing these duds, flying up the grocery store aisles and creating mischief of this and that.  To these fogies I say - what is more annoying... a kid with two wheels in their shoe that cruises smoothly through a store, OR a one MPH electric cart that takes up the entire aisle?  

Yeah, that's right!  So get off my case bout my Heely's old man! You have no idea what it's like to be a kid nowadays.  You turdwads need to just get off our backs. 

  

Song of the Day: Bloc Party - Banquet

One of the first "new"bands I started listening to, these guys make me happy.  They were featured on Guitar Hero and kinda exploded - and deservedly so. Check out this fantastic song.

The holidays remind us of the greatest gift ever given to mankind. (It's not what you think... It's just the gift card.)

I am a lazy bum.  I think that is why I am so into giving gift cards.  There are three benefits: No thought, very little action, and everyone loves getting a gift card.  

As a lazy person, gift cards are really the way to go.  However, the worst part of giving a gift card is actually going out and purchasing one.  I hate having to warm up the car, find my wallet and actually put on socks. 

I get so frustrated when I am forced to put on socks; you have to pull them up your legs and everything.  I wouldn't hate putting them on so much if there wasn't so much pulling and straightening.  You've got to make sure that seam is just right, otherwise at sometime during the day you have to take off your shoe and fix it, and that's even more work.  Sometimes your sock has one of those stretchy strings.  I hate those things!  You pull and pull and it keeps getting longer and longer.  Pretty soon you have a turniket cutting off the blood supply to your foot.  No thank you.  I think I will just stay in.

I have considered just ordering gift cards online, but I am too lazy to actually pull out my credit card.  I mean, pulling it out, making sure the numbers match, putting in that security code thing - that is a lot of work.  By the time my order goes through, I could already be at the closest Barnes and Noble. By the way, I have received a gift cards from Barnes and Noble before and I never know what to get.  I mean, I get all my books for free from a place called "the library".  I look and look and always end up getting 35 bookmarks and one of those adorable puppy calendars. 

One time I gave a very thoughtful gift card to someone - $20.00 to the Olive Garden.  The person was very gracious and he laughed when he gave me my $20.00 gift card to the Macaroni Grill. We wondered what the point of it all was and agreed that the next year we would simply swap $20.00 bills.  The following year, to make things extra special for him, I gave him ten 2 dollar bills.  He was overcome with joy and wept abundantly.  

I would love to get gift cards as a stocking stuffer.  As a matter of fact, I would love to get an entire stocking stuffed with just gift cards!  Gift cards are actually not that great a stocking stuffer, for the stuff-ER, because they are so small.  However, it is an excellent stocking stuffer for the stuff-EE.  If you are the stuff-ER then you might want to stick with oranges and deodorant.  Actually, the best stocking stuffer might actually be socks; a stocking full of socks.  They are bulky, cheap and most people need them.  I guess people without feet don't need them.  For these people, the best stocking stuffer might be leg warmers.

A recent study says that 60% of people are hoping to receive a gift card as a gift this season. I also read once that 20% of gift cards are never actually used.  I also read that 100% of gift cards are used by Cheeseboy.  I know you have also read that as well, because it is in the sentence you just read.  So if you are wondering what to get me for Christmas, I will give you three hints: 1) It's plastic 2) It rhymes with "lift hard" 3) It looks a lot like a library card, but it has a company logo on it, rather than a library name on it.  

I hate putting on socks. 

BYU post game film session (staring Hitler)

Okay Steve, you forced me to post this.  However, this is GREAT comedy.  Even if you are a BYU fan, you have to admit it's pretty clever.  

My apologies for posting two videos in one day, but this is just too priceless to pass up.  My favorite line: "Don't worry, I hear that Phantom is playing at the Venetian."  Ha ha! Perfect zoobie line.

The Hakka is not for white guys.

I found this commercial to be funny and very appropriate given the circumstances of Saturday's game. (For those that did not know, the Utes players took offense to Cougars doing the Hakka on their field and "forced" them to stop and almost created a brawl.  Bronco said that they "ran out of time" and that is why they did not do it.  Anyone that was there knows that was clearly not the case.)

***Warning - this video is certainly not for the easily offended.  If you are offended, do not blame me because I posted the warning.  Once the warning has been posted, I am held blameless.

A sad tale about a man, his stomach and a disturbing episode of Oprah.

When I woke up this morning, my belly was flipping around like a dolphin on an underwater tire swing. I attempted to teach but after one hour of struggling with a group of six year olds, I felt as though my tummy was going to explode through my esophagus. I told my Principal and he arranged for the PE teacher to take my class for the rest of the day.

I was however, able to accomplish the following tasks during my day in the doldrums:

Slept for 3 hours.

Listened to sports talk radio for two hours in bed. Got to rehash the entire game over and over.

Watch part of Oprah's special on pleasing your man.

I started to feel a bit better and attempted to go to my second job. I was promptly sent home for looking to pale. I told my boss that I am just a very white person. I then attempted to dance for her to prove it. Dancing with an upset stomach is in no way a good idea. Besides, my boss is not white and she could see right through my pathetically lame whirlybirds.

I am not sure what is causing my stomach to squeal, but I can give you a rundown of the food I ate this past weekend:

Friday night: Crown Burger - Cheeseburger, fries - lots of fries, soda. While playing games that night - a messload of M&M's, candy bars and more soda.

Saturday - Turkey, mashed potatoes & gravy, sweet potatoes, cinnamon apples, salad, rolls, pie and a bunch of other stuff - and that was just BEFORE the game. That night I had a turkey sandwich and more M&M's.

Sunday - More turkey, a goober-load of clam chowder, three rice-crispee squares and a giant ice cream sunday.

I am not positive, but I have the feeling that my diet this past weekend has something to do with my tummy troubles.

Song of the Day: Queen - We Are The Champions

My open letter to the uber-cool guy that sat in front of me this year during the Utah games.

There is a man in this world that I feel deeply connected to, but have never said a word to.  The man that I refer to is the guy, about my age, that sat in front of me this year at the football games.  I do not know his name, nor do I want to, but in the off chance he comes across my blog, I would like to leave him this memo:

Dear guy in the red shirt that sits in front of me at the Utah games,

It was a pleasure sharing this joyous year with you.  We never spoke, but we clearly were connected, you and I; connected on so many levels.

You give a solid high five.  A very solid high five.  Firm, tough, connecting every time.  I feel impressed to tell you that your high five connections are solid; solid like a rock.

There were two different occasions that we may have hugged: the Sakoda kick in the Oregon State game and the touchdown pass during the TCU game.  In fact, I am fairly certain we hugged at least once.  Our section was going so bonkers, I am not sure who I was hugging, but I am confident one of the lucky souls was you.  Further, please excuse my hands that tend to wonder when I hug strangers.  And finally, thank you for snapping back into reality before I and refusing my kiss.  I would have regretted that.

I'd also like to tell you that I think you are hilarious.  The way you turned around and yelled at the BYU fans sitting behind me that "IT'S OVER!  IT'S OVER!" while Kruger was still running down the field with the ball was priceless.  Also, as the game was coming to a close, I found you very comical; the way in which you were taking pictures of all the sad BYU fans.  Somehow, you were able to locate the mopiest looking zoobies in the stadium.

I would also like to apologize for the time that you turned around to mock the BYU fans with your hands in the air.  I mistakenly took your gesture for a request for a high five.  I felt awfully foolish for slapping your closed fist.  Nevertheless, you were very understanding and gave me a do-over, this time connecting on the almighty, highest high five I have ever had.  You, my dear sir, are the definition of class.

Although we have never conversed with our mouths, or notes, or even sign language for that matter, I feel that we connected this year as brothers united in UTE-dome -  and I enjoyed every second of it.

Your best stadium buddy, 

Cheeseboy

PS. Great high fives.  Real solid.

Sweet, sweet victory. I will savor this one.

The last two BYU games have been the two most painful I can ever remember.  I am so sick of hearing the following two quotes:

"Harline is still open."

"4th and 18."

As a matter of fact, there was some Y zoobie carrying a huge sign with those quotes on them through the tailgate lot before the game. What a bozo.

Well, it didn't take a miracle this time.  My living right paid off.  In fact, while I rushed the field, I was sure to take a picture of the following sign:

I got to the game an hour early and just soaked it all in.  Unfortunately, the only other people in my section there that early sat directly behind me and happened to be Y fans, or zoobies as they are commonly referred to.  As I sat there, they were sure to spout off such gems in my ear like, "I hope we see Hall to Collie all night long." Or, "Just wait until the U fans get here, we are going to be sprayed with beer and sworn at.  (Neither of these things happened, of course.)  

I did in fact speak with them for a bit.  They were nice enough, but the funny thing is that they dropped $125.00 each to see their team get creamed.  $125.00!  The only thing funnier is the 30 year old 5 rows behind us that paid that much AND painted his face blue.  That was just sad.

My favorite part of the evening was when the zoobies started filing out with 6 minutes left in the game.  The crowd gave really let them have it as they made the walk of shame.

My second part of the game was before it even started.  The BYU players started to get in line to do the Hakka.  The Ute players took exception and forced them off the field before they could do it.  It was absolutely brilliant.  I hate the Hakka, especially done by a bunch of dorky white guys at BYU.

The game itself was intense, but really not any more intense than the Oregon State or TCU game.  The Y fans behind me asked me if we always stand for the big games and I informed them "only for the big ones." 

- Oh, and by the way, never, ever let a BYU fan tell you that Max Hall is a better QB than Brian Johnson ever again. Ever.  (Exhibit 1 and 1a - 5 interceptions.  Better yet, the next time a zoobie tries to quote Harlie's still open or 4th and 18, just hold up five fingers - one for each INT.)

Rushing the field was fine, but a little anti-dramatic.  It was more like "walking down the stairs to the field, where I was greeted by grandpas that had already made it down." 

Alas, I am exhausted.  What a ride this has been this year.  For me, this year is even more satisfying than 04 for four reasons: 1. The schedule has been more difficult. 2. The games have been more exciting.  3. We don't have as much talent as 04, but we have more heart.  4. In 04, we did not need revenge over the cougars, but this year revenge was so sweet. 5. It has been 4 years since we last won the MWC.

Honestly, this year I would have been happy with a conference championship and a victory over the Y.  The BCS and the perfect season has just been gravy.

I am so tired.  Tired but relieved.  Oh, and vindicated. 

I wonder how long it takes to get blue paint off your face?  

And Tim, was that you in the Jesus costume and the sign that said, "Jesus loves U?"  I read you were thinking about doing it on Utefans, so it was either you or you inspired someone else to do it.

Another pic from the game -