Being 12...

I remember being 12.

I was hit by a car.

I was riding my bike down a quiet, residential street. When I got to the quiet intersection of the quiet street, things were no longer quiet.

The screeching brakes, flipping through the air, bouncing off the windshield, landing on the cement, I remember all of it. Most people say they black out during a traumatic event and don’t recall a thing. I remember every spine-tingling flip.

I was 12. 12 was a very bad age for me.

I recall catching myself with my hands and knees. I remember looking at my hands after hitting the ground - a bloody, pulpy mess.

I remember the female driver. Her screaming and sobbing was like something I have never heard; something from another planet. Lying on the ground, I could see people holding her back from me. Her mind was a mess.

Every part of my body hurt. My legs were covered in blood, my face scraped and bruised.

I tried to get up, but was too dizzy and the grown ups made me lie down. I was confused. I was looking around for my bike. I wanted to go home.

I kept hearing the voices of my friends that were behind me. “Are you okay Abe?” “Are you hurt?”

The screams from the driver never stopped. I can still hear them.

Blurs of people I knew entered my peripheral vision; the Snarrs, who lived across the street from where I was hit, my brother, others.

Soon there were blurs of people I did not know and sounds of sirens; lots of sirens. People with masks and boards and leather cases surrounded me. More high pitched screaming from the same woman.

They would not allow me to get up, would not allow me to move my head. I was lifted and strapped to a wooden plank. My hands felt as though they were on fire. My knees felt like they had been rubbed completely off. My head throbbed in agony.

While being lifted into what would be the first of two ambulances that year, I caught a glimpse of the windshield that I had broke with my back and head. It had been shattered into thousands of pieces.

I rode to the hospital, wondering why I had straps on my arms, wondering why there was a mask on my face, wondering if I was going to die. It was a long five minutes.

Upon reaching the hospital, I was lifted into the ER. I was poked and prodded. My shirt and pants cut clean off of me. Every part of my body was examined.

It was determined that I was bloody. My hands, legs and head were becoming a giant scab. They gave me some Advil. Advil! I needed morphine.

It was also determined, amazingly enough, that I had no internal injuries, no need for stitches, no broken bones. The doctor told me I was the luckiest boy he had met that year.

I was a walking miracle.

I spent the next three hours in side room having the nurse pull little chunks of glass out of my hair and head.

I remember being 12. That was a tough year.

A rundown of who I am going to vote for...

Tomorrow is the big day and again, I know you are all dying to know who I am going to cast my ballot for. I give you a rundown of who and what I will be voting for...

In the category of ugliest NBA player, I will be voting for Chris Kaman.

For Governor, I will either vote for the pro wrestler or the body builder guy. Which one is the incumbent?

In the category of “best pocket”, I think I am going to break party lines and go with the side pockets on my cargo shorts this year.

In the zoo thing, I think I will vote for whatever will get rid of that awful stench in the reptile building. Is that yes or no?

For county treasurer, I will vote for the person that is able to locate treasure.

In the county clerks race, my vote goes to whomever has the bigger and more powerful calculator.

As far as judges go, I don’t believe in judging others, so I am voting no on all of them. But by voting no, in a way I am judging the judges as inept at judging. Nope, I changed my mind, going with yes on them all.

I am voting no on the aviary, at least until they can prove to me that they do not have a single ostrich in custody. Oh, and there is still an aviary?

In the swimsuit competition, I will be voting Palin, but only after Chaney withdrew. This is one area, after all, that Palin does have more experience.

Not sure if sherif is in play this election cycle, but if it is, I am writing in whatever candidate believes we need more horse mounted patrol officers. I’d love to see a couple coppers trot down my street a time or two a month. Is that the proper name for these officers - “Mounted Patrol”? I always thought that a good way to drive more tourists to Lagoon would be to replace the “security” with miniature ponies with midget security guards riding on their backs. Of course they would need to wear giant badges on their chest so we would not confuse them with the other folks that normally go to Lagoon. Is there an initiative on Lagoon on the ballot? “Renew the Lagoon”?

In the “best rock band on the planet” category, I am definitely going with Coldplay. Which reminds me, I still need a ticket.

In “coolest person I know”, I am voting for whomever can provide me with a free ticket to Coldplay.

In the category of “biggest moron/twit on the planet that has some skill in football”, I am going with my gut on this one and punching my card for Austin Colly.

When I vote for worst commercial of all time, I will very eagerly vote for Sonic Drive In.

I am definitely voting Grandma for best banana bread. Love you Grandma!

Without a doubt, I want to vote out the schmo that came up with the idea for the Susan B. Anthony dollar. You try finding a soda machine that will accept one of those. I will vote for the man or woman that has a plan to equip soda machines with bigger holes. “Bigger holes for soda machines!” Now that is a platform I can get behind. In fact, if the guy that passed legislation for the Susan B. Anthony coin came out with new legislation for bigger soda machine money holes, I might just vote for that guy.

I know what you are thinking, “Just how big a hole do you need?” I prefer one that will allow me to throw a check into it. Better yet, how about a soda machine that will allow me to scan my credit card, or one that will allow me to trade like valued items? Not in the mood for a pack of gum, just throw it in the soda trade basket and out pops a A&W Cream Soda! Of course, it would only accept new, unwrapped items.

I am going to have to swallow my pride and vote for Zach Effron for “Most Adorable Teen-Queen of All Time.”

Finally, in the category of “President of the United States of America”, I am casting my vote for our next president; the ever hopeful, ever inspiring, ever patriotic, the “transformational” figure....President Barack Obama!

The Utes have a history with heartbreaking, but this year I get a different sense of things.

I have gathered my thoughts and pulled my heart out of my socks and I have put together a few thoughts about football. For those Utah fans that may not be happy about winning 13-10 last night, let me remind you of a few games:

1. 1994: Utah @ New Mexico - Utah cruises into this game 8-0 and gets out to a very convincing first half lead. NM comes roaring back to win as Utah falls apart in the second half.

I think Utah would have taken a three point win.

2. 2003 - New Mexico @ Utah - Utah seems to be dominating the league for the first time and they are on cruise control under Urban Meyer. New Mexico comes in and punches them in the liver and beats us easily.

Even though we still won the conference, I think Utah would have settled for a three point win.

3. 2008 - TCU @ Colorado State -A bad Colorado State plays tough, but a very good TCU hangs on for a four point win on the road, 7-3.

TCU is not going to give back the win, even though they only won by 4.

4. 2008 - Florida @ Mississippi - Florida goes into a horrible SEC team’s house and gets beat. Florida now looks like the best team in the country.

I think Florida would have settled for a 3 point win on the road.


Now, I am not saying that we should not be concerned or that all is well. Certainly, things could be looking a whole lot better going into the TCU game. However, anyone that has been a fan of the Utes for more than 8 years knows that these are the type of games we used to lose 90% of the time. In fact, I can count 4 close games that we lose in past years that we have won this year: Michigan, Air Force, Oregon State and New Mexico. Given our checkered past with New Mexico, saying that we would normally lose this game is without a doubt a reality.

My Utes have always found a way to break my heart. Nevertheless, this year, just as it seems that my heart is going to get broken yet again, they somehow pull through.

9-0!!! Now comes the real challenge...

The results are in...

1 Hershey Kiss

1 Take Five

10 Crunch Bars (1 full size)

6 Baby Ruths

7 3 Muscketeers 

2 Twix

11 Butterfinger

1 Butterfinger Crisp

18 Snickers (1 full size)

13 plain M&Ms (1 full size)

11 peanut M&M (3 full size)

2 M&M minis

20 Milky Ways 

12 Sweet Tarts

5 Skittles (1 full size)

10 Smarties 

13 Laffy Taffy

1 Pop Rocks

10 Nerds

1 Sugar Babies 

2 Dots

3 Milk Duds

3 gummy things

5 Kit Kats

6 Reeses 

8 Almond Joys

19 suckers

20 pieces of gum

10 jaw breakers

4 fruit roll ups 

5 Starbursts 

6 Whoppers

2 Twizzlers 

11 Tootsie Rolls

1 Old lady caramel 

6 Hershey Bars

1 Rice Krispie Treats

2 Runts

4 packs of Oreos

1 pack of chocolate chip cookies

4 pixie sticks

1 popcorn ball

2 pencils (one just a regular #2, who are these people???)

Oh, and we still have about 8 full bags of leftover candy that we didn't give out last night.

Lincoln made his dad so proud while trick or treating and...Go Utes! Beat the Loobs. (Lobos)

While trick-or-treating tonight, we walked up to a very nice house with a huge, blue Y in the window.  Lincoln and his friends knocked on the door and yelled the customary Halloween salutation.  When the lady came to the door, the first thing Lincoln said was, "You have the wrong letter in your window!"  Now this was totally unprovoked and I in no way coached him at all.  The lady was taken aback a little and it took her a minute to respond.  She finally said, "Who told you to say that?: while looking right at me.  Lincoln immediately caught her off guard again when he very quickly stated, "No one told me to say that, I just know it is true."  

It is so nice when you realize you are raising your kid the right way.  

And... Go Utes!  Beat the Loobs!

Biz Markie's Beat of the Day

Not sure why, but I have watched this four times now and it gets more funny every time.  It might be his scary voice, or maybe his terrifying hat.

I wonder if Jay Leno has seen this headline yet?

My life as a chicken; at least my life for one hour as a man dressed as a chicken.

I just know that the dozens of faithful readers are just dying to know how my day as a chicken went.  It was not as foul as I would have hoped.  I was one of two chickens today, although no offense to the other chicken, but I was definitely first in the pecking order.  

Being a chicken was much hotter and sweatier than I had thought.  It certainly wasn't cheep. My neighbor must have plucked this costume out of the good costume bin, or perhaps the incubator, because this thing was a thing... of beauty.  The costume was at the beak of it's talons until, hmm... uh... I've got nothing left here.

I learned a few things this day day dressed in chicken apparel.  Just a few:

1. Chickens have horrible eyesight, especially those wearing costumes.

2. Chickens are beloved by hundreds of children, especially those chickens wearing chicken costumes.

3. Chickens shed in the wintertime, especially large, mansized chickens wearing chicken costumes.

4. Chickens sweat like they have been swimming in hot oil, at least those that are in said costumes.  

5.  Chickens still feel pain, no matter how soft a child punches it in the stomach. 

Needless to say, it was a long day, and I only wore the suit for about an hour, but when you are leading a parade, an hour in the chicken suit can be a very long time.  

To form a human chain or not? - That is the question.

In a show of unity today, stating that we will all stay off drugs, my entire school made a human chain around our school. I felt very united. 

My experience with the human chain made me realize just how lucky I was to be the missing link. I held my head high as I held the hands of two six year olds and shouted to the heavens, “DREAMS, NOT DRUGS!”

Now that I have completed this truly bonding experience, I have decided to provide my readers with a basic outline of when forming a human chain is appropriate, just so you are aware.

WHEN FORMING A HUMAN CHAIN IS APPROPRIATE:

1. When stopping someone from chopping down a tree.
2. When you are in a Coca Cola commercial.
3. When you are teaching a group of kids to say no to drugs.
4. When you are playing “Crack the Whip” or “Red Rover”.
5. If you are in a huge musical production and at the end of the show the crowd is cheering wildly for you.
6. When you are attempting to save a dangling man from a cliff.
7. If you are a polygamist on a date.
8. If you are performing a séance.
9. If you are a Rockette.
10. Whenever you are sandbagging.

WHEN FORMING A HUMAN CHAIN IS NOT APPROPRIATE:

1. While standing at the urinals at the football game.

Not that it would be impossible, unless of course the urinators are highly trained to be able to go with no hands, but the odds of that happening are slim to nil. 

The mystery is finally solved - What Cheeseboy will be for Halloween 08.

Many of my followers have been inquiring of what I might be for Halloween this year. I understand the curiosity, for I am a man of many mysteries and escapades. In fact, I know that several people walk this earth constantly wondering what I might be doing at that very second and one of those people happens to be me. My blog has created a fiesta of spectacle, a monument to the man and the legend that is... Cheeseboy. I blame no one for their meddlesomeness nature when it comes to peering through the peephole of my life. I say to you, “Peep away, you peepers of inquiring minds. Let my pathetic existence be your playground.”

Anyway, I know you have all been on the edge of your seats (Hopefully if you are reading this on the toilet and you are on the edge of your seat, you have still left ample room for things to drop, if you know what I mean. I'd hate to cause a mess for your wife to clean up.), but before I divulge my festive garb to be skirted around my loins, let me give you a quick rundown of my costumes on Halloween’s gone by.

2004 - I began my teaching career with the basic Barney costume. Cute, yes, but certainly the First Graders were not appreciative of it as it portrayed our class as a bit, shall we say, babyish.

2005 - My mother-in-law had a very authentic Christmas elf costume. Having watched the movie “Elf” over seven times, I was excited to give it the one two. The costume was okay, but I think the kids were confused. The parents also looked a bit perplexed as my look was more of a “gay dwarf” than “Santa’s helper.”

2006 - My neighbor, across the street, just so happens to be a magician commonly referred to as “The Great Schudinni”. He allowed me to borrow his Dumbledor, the Wizard costume. Given that I could not get the hat to stay on and that it came with a very crooked cane, everyone thought that I was actually Moses. While walking through the maze of parents, they kept saying, “Where is the tablets Moses?” and “You should part these people like you did the Red Sea.” I managed the mumble through my 5 inch beard, “I’m Dumbledore, you idiots! Dumbledore!”

2007 - We picked up a very cool Davy Jones pirate costume at the after Halloween sale at the Disney store. It was normally over $100.00, but we got it for a cool $25. It was very cool but a tad scary for the first grade crowd. All those snakes for a beard can be a little off putting for a six year old. Especially when the person wearing the snake beard is your first grade teacher. I am thinking that next year I will be Davy Jones, the Monkey, not the pirate.

2008 - I will be a chicken. Full chicken regalia. I plan on dropping plastic eggs behind me as I walk down the halls. I may actually drop a few pellets too. We’ll see what I am able to round up. I’ll post pictures, but it will likely look like something like this:

Song of the Day: What Made Milwaukee Famous - Sultan

Just discovered this band and they are remarkably fresh.  Very upbeat and dark at the same time.  The horn section also gives them a nice, neoteric sound. Given that there are so many good songs on the one album, I am a bit surprised that they are not bigger than they are.  The video is a nice change of pace too, with some interesting cameos.

A timeline of how six-year-old complaints are handled from generation to generation.

Much like most six year olds, one of Lincoln's favorite pastimes is complaining.  Why just yesterday he was complaining because we were not going to allow him to bring the laptop to Disneyland in December.  A conversation with Cathi ensued and it got me thinking about how a six year old's complaints have changed over the years and how a parent responds.  

When I was six: Mom, when are we going to get there?  We have been driving forever!

My parent's response: When I was a kid, we had to drive for hours with no air conditioning.  In fact, when we drove to Disneyland, we had to drive across the desert with nothing but a giant block of ice in our passenger side window to keep us cool, and when that melted my mom would give us giant leaves to fan each other with.  And we loved those leaves!  We were grateful she remembered to pack them.  

My six-year-old now: Mom, when are we going to get there?  We have been driving forever!

Our response as parents: Look son, you are one lucky kid.  When we were kids we didn't have laptops or even a DVD player.  We were forced to read books and look for slug bugs.  Sometimes we would even sing songs together!  And I'll tell you something son, we loved it.  We were grateful for those Neil Diamond mixed tapes.  Now play your handheld video game or listen to your iPod.

__________________________________________________________

When I was six: Mom, can we get cable?

My parent's response: Cable?  Cable?!  Do you realize that when I was a kid, we didn't even have television in color?  We had to turn the channel with a knob on the television!  We were even forced to watch episodes of Lawrence Welk until our faces turned pink pastel like the set.  And you know what?  We loved it!  We felt lucky just to have a television, we felt fortunate to have pink, pastel faces.  No, we are not getting cable.

My six year old now: Mom, can you DVR this episode of Spongebob?

Our response as parents: DVR?  DVR?!  Are you kidding son?  We can't DVR it because we already have Oprah and The Daily Show taping right now and it will only allow us to DVR two things at once.  Besides, do you realize that when I was a kid, we had something called a VHS tape machine?  And we could only tape one program at a time, and even then we were lucky if it actually recorded.  Sometimes we even had to adjust something called the "tracking" to get it to play without lines in it.  And then, even if you were lucky enough to actually tape the show you wanted, your sister might come along and tape over your episodes of Get A Life with episodes of Quantum Leap.  It was miserable.  

No, I won't DVR this Spongebob, but you can watch one of the 14 episodes we already have DVR'd if you want.

_______________________________________________________________

When I was six: Mom, can we go to McDonalds?

My parent's response: McDonalds?  McDonalds?!  Are you out of your little, six year old mind?  Do you think we are made of money?  Do you know how much it would cost to take the entire family to that place?  Why, a quarter pounder with cheese costs over a dollar.  No, but maybe tomorrow we can go to Millies Burger for the three cheeseburgers for a buck.

My six year old now: Mom, can we go to McDonalds?

Our response as parents: Oh, ugh. Do you really want to go to McDonalds?  Don't you realize that I would like to get up in the morning?  I eat four bites of that stuff and I am like a duck that has been punched in the duck stomach.  I can't breath, can't move, a large pressure pressing on my chest.  No, that stuff is the devil.  Besides, don't you realize how much saturated fat is in that crap?  Those fries are 20% potato, 80% a mixture of fat and acid from that burning oil.  You do want your daddy to be alive in ten years, don't you?

No, we can't go, but maybe we could warm up some chicken nuggets at home and go to Crown Burger tomorrow.

The family photo shoot - great work Jana!

We had our family pictures taken the other day by my sister-in-law, Jana. She did an amazing job and they turned out really nice.  Thank you Jana.

It really isn't fair because Cathi looks like she could be on the cover of a magazine in every single picture, while me and the boys are just praying that we are looking at the camera.  The boys look cute, but how can I keep up with 'Miss Lovely' over there?  Honestly, could she be any more photogenic - it is ridiculous!  It's like every shot of her is a cover of Women's Day magazine.  At least my hair was combed. Anyway, here is just a taste...

(Please be advised that it has taken FOREVER to upload these few photos and the photos in the post below.  There are a ton more great pictures, but due to the speed I have decided to limit it to these few. I'll try and post a few more tomorrow.)

More photos from the shoot -

I have decided - I will rush the field against BYU if Utah goes undefeated.

I have decided that IF my Utes somehow run the table and win their remaining 4 games, I shall rush the field as the final seconds of the BYU game tick away.

I have never rushed the field, although I considered it after the big win in 04.  Given that going undefeated this year would be even more remarkable than in 04, I feel that my first field rush would be appropriate.

Currently under consideration are three ways that I could rush: 1. Topless. 2. Topless with a Utah flag hung over my back like a cape. 3. Topless, with the flag cape AND a huge red U pained on my belly.  

Of course, this would all prove moot if they somehow lose to NM, TCU or -gasp, gulp- BYU.  

So, given that I will be going to the BYU game with Ike, Jake and Jordan and Dad, which of you are in for the field rush?  Dad, do you want to paint your belly red with me?