My new eraser guys t shirt.

I received today an "Eraser Guys" T Shirt.  Thank you Harrison and the the triplet family.  This is my favorite shirt now!  

My kid's favorite shows.

Lincoln loves Spongebob and the new Transformers animated series.  He also likes Spiderman.  But mostly Spongebob.  He loves Spongebob.  (As a friend, of course.)

Calder loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Blues Clues.

They both love Curious George.

Thank goodness neither of them love Yo Gabba Gabba.  They might end up like this kid:

Juggling tricks.

I have been thinking a real lot lately about things I'd like to see jugglers juggle and tricks I'd like to see them perform.  This is the list I came up with.

Juggling Q Tips

Nighttime juggling.  

Juggling in trees.

Juggling while repairing motherboards.

Upside down juggling

Juggling in the back of a moving ice cream truck.

Juggling while kissing a mannequin.

Juggling while eating crab.

Juggling while renewing a drivers license at the DMV.

Juggling while trying on bridesmaids dresses at "Modest By Design" "Clothing your father will approve of."

Juggling killer cobras.

Those are just some of the ideas that I spent 6 hours thinking of last night.  Now this is stuff I'd pay big money to see!

P.S. When I make posts like this, Cathi always tells me "Abe you're weird!"  That is exactly the response I am looking for.  So if you read a post like this, just put in the comments a simple "Abe, you're weird." and I will be very pleased.

P.S.S. or is it P.P.S?  or P.S.P? - I am very bored tonight as Cathi and the kids are at Lagoon.  I bet you could tell.

Something that makes me laugh to near tears -" The Traveling Poet"

Sometimes I am a dimwitted mutterbrain of a teacher.

How often do you need to put things in alphabetical order? I noticed recently that it seems that I have to do it all the time. I also noticed an odd thing the last time I had to do it. It seems that whenever I have to place things in ABC order, I end up singing the ABC song in my mind. "Lets see, this card here starts with F. Okay, music in mind please...A B C D E F...F! After E and before G. Perfect. It goes right here!" When there is something that starts with a letter later in the alphabet, I usually start the song with N or R. But I still have to sing the song in my brain. Does this happen to anyone else?

Another mortifying thing I notice that I do as a teacher is that when I am teaching times tables and I need the answer to a 9's question, I subconsciously do the finger trick to get the answer. Even though I know the answer, I still put down the finger, just to make sure. As long as I am confessing my moronity and jackassedness, I must divulge that I still often use my fingers when adding.

We had a First Grade Tug-o-war today and I thought I would challenge four prechosen, bulky kids. What started off well quickly turned bad when I was drug through the grass for about 40 feet and couldn't reach my whistle. The kids watching it found it sidesplittingly funny as I screamed "STOP, STOP!" while they schlepped me through the sod. I have a large grass stain on my backside. Superb fun.

My favorite clip from "What About Bob" - He sailed on his first try!

L O S T

LOST takes my breath away with nearly every episode and is the best drama network TV has ever presented.  It is funny, thoughtful, heady and daring all in one breath.  Thursday's season finally was the show's pinnacle.  I started watching it around 11:00 at night and I was only going to watch 30 minutes, but from the first moment, I was so enthralled that I could not keep my eyes off the action.  It was the most astounding 2 hours of television I have ever watched. If the season finale was in theaters, I probably would have paid $8.00 to see it.  (Actually, I would have probably used my free movie passes that I have had for 6 months now.)  

If you have not yet fallen into the L O S T trap, now is not the time.  I think they call it Lost because if you started watching the show after season one, you are completely lost.  You are like a BYU fan at a tailgating party.  If I were you, I would rent season 1 and start there.  

This past season, by far, was the best of the bunch.  The finale topped it all though.  It was filled with twists and turns that I didn't see coming and a shocking conclusion that leaves me yearning for the next season.  It also had a fight scene that is unsurpassed in television quality.  The writers of this supreme technicolor pageantry have created a fantasy world that I enjoy escaping to every Thursday.  As I said before, the best TV drama of all time.  (I say this even after my favorite character on the show, Mr. Echo was killed off the show two seasons ago.)

Watersliding

We went to Raging Waters today.  I don't have any pictures. Who wants to drag a digital camera around a wave pool all day long?  However, we had a great time for 2 1/2 hours and we are completely exhausted.  Lucky for me, I have a 16 mile run tonight to help refresh me.

Some of my favorite things at Raging Waters are:

The Acapulco Cliff Dive - Lincoln went on this twice and was by far the smallest kid in the line.  The older kids told him how brave he was.  This slide is an adventurous thrill ride that measures 10.5 on the WSS.  (Water Slide Scale)

The toboggan run - Nothing better than going straight down at 60 MPH and skimming across the water.  Too bad that those things weigh 70 pounds and you have to carry them up that insanely steep hill.  They need a "toboggan zip line" to bring them up to the top for you.  Lincoln also bravely rode this.  I don't think I took the plunge until I was at least 10.

The Rope - What could be more fun than holding onto a rope and swinging into a pool?  The simplicity of it is what makes it great.  

Things I hate about Raging Waters:

The Wave Pool - Nothing like getting your both sides of your head slammed together by two enormous tubes.  I remember spending 2 hours straight in the wave pool as a kid.  Now I am lucky if I make it 2 minutes with all of those competing rubber rafts slamming against each other and into me.

The Kiddy Pool - Try as I might, I have never, ever been able to stand swimming in a kiddy pool.  I think it goes back to my youth when I was swimming in a the Fairmont Park pool.  I distinctly remember seeing a brown log float past my face.  When I realized what it was, I screamed and abandoned the pool like a boy that accidentally went into the girl's bathroom.  I am disgusted at the thought of what goes on in those things.

I also do not appreciate having all the people with tube rentals jump ahead in my in line.  It is ridiculous to pay 12 bucks to get in and another 10 for a tube.  So I patiently wait my turn for a loser non-rental tube while kindly reminding the six 12 year olds that they need to do the same at the BACK OF THE LINE.  The least Raging Waters could do would be to throw out a few more free tubes on each slide, but I guess that would cut down on their rentals.

Nothing has changed!  The only change they have made to that place since I was 14 was the lazy river they added about 10 years ago.  I remember growing up, it was like Lagoon.  They would add a new slide every year.  Now it is like a stagnated, crumbling ,wooden waterslide graveyard.  Time to update things a bit.  I would still go to Raging Waters over Lagoon any day.  

The best slide in Utah is still the river run at Cherry Hill.  I love that slide.  My dad almost died on that death trap.  His tube flipped over backwards and a lifeguard pulled him out by the neck.  It was the best kind of comedy.

Time to go running for two and a half hours.  Wish me luck.

My endorsement for President is...

Since all of the other celebrities are endorsing their candidate, I would officially like to throw my hat in the ring along with them.  This is something I have always wanted to do...I would like to endorse...Barack Obama.  I was going to go with McCain but he recently released his health records and he officially has an "unremarkable buttocks except for some very light freckling."  I just cannot bring myself to vote for a man unless he has at least a "semi-remarkable buttocks with no freckles."  

I am also giving my full endorsement to Obama because all of my other celebrity friends have endorsed him including: Scarlet Johannson, The Black Eyed Peas, Oprah, George Clooney, Halley Barre and Hulk Hogan.  What the Hulk says, I say.  What the Hulk does, I do.   I pretty much do whatever celebrities tell me to.  It is kinda a good life rule. I figure, celebrities know more about life than the average person, right?  That is why they are celebrities.  If they knew very little about life, how could they become famous?  I mean, I am just famous for my blog, but if I didn't know a lot about life and stuff, I could not make a famous blog like the one that you are currently reading.  It all comes full circle and makes perfect sense.

In conclusion, I would like to say, "Vote for Obama! Some famous people including me are doing it."  I know what you are thinking, "for him to make this endorsement right now is absolute political pandering of the highest order."  To which I reply, "Okay, sure I am pandering, but you answer me this...what is pandering really?  No, I really don't know what that means. Can you tell me?"  To which you might reply, "It is sucking up to get your guy votes."  To which I would respond, "I am not a panderer!  You're a jerk face!  This conversation is over.  I need to go cut my toenails on the back porch because my wife gets mad at me if she finds my toenails on the ground in the house ."  So, as you can see, this endorsement is not about politics at all.  It is about one thing and one thing only...voting for Obama because he is the right man for the job as voted by the majority of celebrities. (Myself included as a "celeblogty").  

One final thing.  People get mad at Barack because he won't wear a flag pin on his lapel.  Well, in honor of the great Hulk Hogan, I won't wear one either.  Barack, you can thank me for this endorsement at your next Utah campaign stop.  God Bless America!  

Abe's Stupid Human Tricks

I have never been on David Letterman's "stupid human tricks".  However, I have a variety of stupid tricks I can do that may one day get me invited.  Unfortunately, nothing I can do is very original.

My first stupid trick is making my tongue do the wave.  

My second stupid trick is blowing spit bubbles off my tongue.  (Must have correct spit consistency in mouth.  Temperature, barometer and humidity must also be just right for me to perform this trick.)  I actually learned this trick when bored one day tracting rich summer homes in the Poconos.  

Placing my entire fist in my mouth.  

Dancing like a complete moron.

(Dave, if you read this post, put a note in the comments and we will schedule a time for me to come perform.)

Oh, one other thing.  I know the entire "Small Wonder" theme song by heart.  Question: Who does the Small Wonder dad look like?

Mormons are great in reality shows.

Given all of the success that Mormons have had on reality shows lately, I have considered producing an all Mormon reality show.  I mean, it worked for movies.  We now have what seems to be 1,000 Mormon movies which to shrug our shoulders at.  

I have several ideas for a TV show, but I am not sure which one to pitch to KBYU.  Here are my ideas:

1. "Nursery Survivor" - Put the High Council in a nursery with 12 kids.  Last one to leave is the new Stake President.

2. "The Real World - Provo" - 7 strangers picked to live in BYU student housing and have their lives taped.  Of course, the girls and boys would have to live in separate houses across campus and the giant hot tub would be replaced with a karaoke machine that plays only Afterglow, Kurt Bestor and Michael Mcsuperclean.  Also, sex scenes would be replaced by extended NCMO scenes.  Also, this show would be really awful.

3. "The Bizarro Bachelor" - 20 recently returned RM's and twenty 20 year old women are put together LDS Institute ballroom.  The last person that is not married is the winner.

4. "False (American) Idols" - Follow the lives of people as they are given a chance to pick either a false idol, a boat (A boat is the most common Sunday School answer to the question, "What are some of the false idols we worship?") or a dry pack canner. 

5. "Flavor of Mormon Love" - Watch the sparks fly as Flava Flave is converted and has his choice of 10 hot sweet spirits.  

6. "Hell's Kitchen" -  youth groups are asked to prepare meals for the poor in a Las Vegas Casino kitchen.

7. "Beauty and the Geek" - An super hot, Utah graduate model marries a BYU coed.

8. "The Apprentice - Bronco Mendenhall" - The search for the next BYU assistant coach begins as a group of 10 men grovel, steal and cheat their way to the top.  (Show is filmed while contestants are still on their missions.)

9. "Super Nanny, Exposed" - Super Nanny is out of her element and finally stumped when she has to watch a family of 10 obnoxious kids on the second row of sacrament meeting.

10.  (This one is actually for the FLDS)  "Wives Swap" - See if FLDS men actually realize that their wives have been swapped.   

Bronco Mendenhall is a disgrace.

Remember when Ben Olson transferred to UCLA and Bronco and his band of brothers had a fit that UCLA contacted him while he was on his mission?  Those were the good old days.  Well, now Bronco finds himself in a hypocritical loop that he cannot escape.

Bronco, you cannot have it both ways.  You cannot get angry when others contact your missionaries and then contact other team's missionaries while they are in the field.  You cannot say that a mission should be a young man's sole focus and then interrupt a the middle of a young man's mission with your backwards recruiting tactics.  You cannot expect others to not go after your missionaries, when you do the same to them.  Karma's a real beast, Bronco, and it is going to come back to bight you.  For a man that claims the moral superiority of his school, recruiting a kid on a mission through his father and his mission president is a real slimy thing to do.

Before you jump to Bronco's defense and say that it was Riley that contacted BYU first, this article should disprove that once and for all.

And if you are under the impression that Bronco never said that he would not recruit or contact guys on missions, this article should disprove that theory as well.

So, what should Bronco have done?  This is exactly what he should have done.  As one Ute fan posted:

Dear Elder Nelson,

Thank you for your recent letter and interest in BYU football.  We commend you for your decision to serve a mission.  It is our policy not to conduct business related to football while young men are serving missions.  We feel that it is a time that should be focussed on your service in the mission field and how you should best serve your Heavenly Father and your fellow men.  If upon completing your service as a missionary, you still have a desire to play for Brigham Young University and after you have discussed the situation with your previous coach, I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you then.  

To think, all this fuss over a guy that they didn't want out of high school anyway.  A guy that I heard many cougar fans say had a weak arm and a small body.  All of this fuss for a Buddy, from Charles in Charge, lookalike.  Well, Bronco, you can take your former Utah State QB. (Heck, take Southern Utah's and Idaho's QB too!)  Utah will still destroy you for the next five years and we will do it with a mixture of our own missionaries and better non-LDS athletes to boot.

The curse of the Dodge Caravan is over.

We have owned a 2000 Dodge Caravan minivan for about 10 months.  Biggest piece of crap I have ever owned.  OK, we paid $6,000.00 for it.  It immediately needed about $1,000.00 in repairs.  Since those initial repairs, we have had a variety of problems that I won't get into now.  This Dodge was suppose to last us 2 years while we saved for something better.  It lasted 10 stinking months.  Now it was making a clicking sound.  I had had enough of this blankety blank piece of blank!

This morning we took it to Carmax to see what they would pay for it.  We were expecting between at least $3,000 - $4,000.  They come back and say that they heard the clicking sound (damn it!) and they were offering $500.00.  Well, after laughing in their face, we became downtrodden and a bit depressed.  We had seen another van at a dealership that we might like, so out of desperation we stopped there.  

We liked the van a lot and told them, "it all depends on how much you give us for our trade in."  They ended up giving us around $3,000.00 for the trade in.  Suckers!  (Well, either they gave us that much or they took it off the price of the car we bought, probably the latter.)  Either way, we are free of that nightmare!  

We were hoping to get at least $3,500.00 for the trade in, but after the Carmax experience we were happy to take the $3,000.00.  At any rate, that piece of trash Dodge cost us about 5 grand in 10 months.  I will never buy a Dodge again.

We are hoping for much better luck with this van.  It is a 2006 Kia Sadona.  It only has 22,000 miles on it and it is pretty nice.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could be worse than that Dodge.  

Here are some a photo of the world class automobile:

BYU alum are cheaters!

This article about an overprotective sap of a BYU dad made me laugh, as it did all of the other folks on Utefans.net the other day.  I guess BYU needs to offer a course in morality and ethics. Poor girl will be branded a cheater for the rest of her life, just because her dad is a Y fan.   

Lincoln's puke streak is truly over now.  He puked for about 4 hours yesterday.  He caught the nebola virus or the bird flu or something that is going around at his school.  Oh well, time to start a new streak.  Just keep him away from any black and white cookies.  Unfortunately, we missed the excursion to the dino-park in Ogden.  Bummer.  Calder has not yet got it, thank goodness.

I ran 14 miles on Friday night.  And if you were wondering, yes that is a very long time to just run.  It took me just over 2 hours and I came home exhausted.  Good thing Lincoln was puking because I didn't feel like doing anything yesterday.  This Saturday calls for a 16 miler.  Ugh.  

Some of the ladies at my school were clammering and hooting it up in the office the other day.  When I peaked in to check on what the big deal was, they told me they had purchased some clear duct tape.  THEY NOW MADE CLEAR DUCT TAPE!  I asked them, "Why would someone need duct tape that is clear?  That is the most worthless invention since Crystal Pepsi".  One of the ladies then said, "I bet you are going to go home and blog about this."  So here it is.  I am blogging about it.  Crystal duct tape....AMAZING!  (If you want to see a true list of great inventions, please visit my post below.)

Keep your hands, arms and spit inside the vehicle at all times.

It seems that every time I drive anywhere nowadays I see this disgusting act occur at least once.  

You pull up to a red light and there are 4-5 cars in front of you.  One particularly classy man in a parked car opens his door.  Hmm, you think, his door must need re-closing or perhaps his wife farted?  No, no, no!  Suddenly and without warning, you see him spit a quarter size wad of nose poo onto the cement.  Very swank. Very dashing.  Is it any wonder that this chic gentleman is womanless and is driving a black Trans am?  

I am tired of this repugnant habit.  I don't want to see it anymore.  Keep your slobber in your own mouth while I wait for the light to turn green.  That is the end of my State Street spittoon rant.  Have a great Labor Day weekend everyone