The Wilford Brimley Show

Attention!  Attention! Will everyone please take their seats?  Thank you.

Welcome everyone to the Wilford Brimley Variety Hour Stage Show.  Wilford will be out on stage in a few minutes, but before he comes out, he asked that I lay down a few ground rules.

 Wilford asks that you please turn off all cell phones and other electronic devices for the performance. He is too old to understand the sounds that these devices make and becomes easily confused.

Wilford requests that crying small children be taken into the foyer until they can control their emotions. (He hates children.)

Please, during the Q&A portion of the show, Wilford has asked that you do NOT ask questions about oatmeal and other hot cereals.

Wilford Brimley is not responsible for emotional trauma to children under the age of ten due to the size his mustache may cause.

You know what -  please don't even mention oatmeal or hot cereal when Wilford comes out.  Just no questioning or mentioning it.  Lets all respect Mr. Brimley's wishes on this.  Trust me.

Please, no outside food or drink.  Snacks may be purchased in the lobby. (Near the crying children.)

Please do not throw oatmeal or hot cereal of any kind on stage as Mr. Brimley is performing.  Especially if it is still hot.  No, not at all is a better rule. Don't throw oatmeal or hot cereal, please.

Wilford asks that we keep the lighting low, except for his mustache glow light.  Please watch your step if you have to leave.

Do not ask Mr. Brimley to turn up his mustache glow light.  Even if he could...

Back to the oatmeal thing.  Please, and I can't stress this enough, Mr. Brimely has enough on his plate to deal with hot cereal taunts and gags. Please, give the man some respect.

I know sir, oatmeal is served in bowls, not on plates.  I get it.

Please, no flash photography during tonight's performance.

Mr. Brimely has asked that the audience participate by clapping along to the songs, but not by chanting "Eat your oatmeal" to the beat.  Please respect his wishes. He can be pretty sensitive about this.

Actually, I can see many of you in the audience brought boxes of oatmeal.  I have no idea what you intend to do with those boxes, but they're making me quite nervous.  Wilford's wife, Lynne will be around shortly to collect them.

Wilford has kindly asked that popcorn be chomped at a reasonable decibel level, especially during his MC Hammer impersonation dance sequence.

Look people, I know that when Wilford takes his "30 second oatmeal breaks" throughout the show, this would seem like a perfect opportunity to tease him about oatmeal.  But the truth is, Mr. Brimely has diabetes and he needs to eat that oatmeal in order to survive.

I mean, sure, he could drink juice or eat granola bars during the show to keep his sugar level up, but he's pretty partial to that oatmeal. It's like taking candy from a baby.  A really fat baby that loves candy.  And has diabetes. And the candy is oatmeal.

Emergency exits are either side of the theater.

During the Q&A Wilford has respect his wishes by not asking the following questions:

A. How much oatmeal are you hiding in your mustache?
B. Could you tip one of those cocoons and use it to hold an enormous bowl of oatmeal?  For like a giant sized Wilford Brimley? Or Godzilla?
C. Does oatmeal cause diabetes?
D. Does oatmeal cause mustache growth?
E. Does mustache growth cause diabetes?
F. Favorite color?

Again, I shouldn't have to mention the oatmeal thing as it has been pretty well established, but I felt it needed to be reiterated.

NOW, ladies and gentleman, I give you the man you have all been waiting for!  The man behind the oatmeal... Mr. Wilford Brimley!!!

Ah, DANG IT!