My Open Letter to Kate Middleton (Future Princess)

Dearest Kate,

Tomorrow is your big day.  You have come so far in life.  Just think of all you've accomplished!  All of that stuff at the beginning of your life.  And of course all of that stuff you did in your early twenties.  And remember that time that you got really attractive?  That was a very important time, right?  

And now, here you are, a princess in waiting.  Just look at you, what with your fancy dress made by singing rats and your presumably beautiful singing voice granted to you by a fairy Godmother. (Elton John?)

Now that you have reached the pinnacle of life - being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest - there is only one thing left to accomplish: A reality show.  You are perfect for it - you are hot and otherwise have no discernible talents or qualities. 

Allow me to give you some marriage advice.  First, you'll probably want to get a king sized bed.  A princess sized bed is quite simply, not large enough.  Plus there is that whole pea thing, right?

Secondly, always put the bidet seat down.  Do bidets have seats? I assume they do.  I've never used one. (We have garden hoses here in the US for that sort of thing.)

Finally, and most importantly, if 'Glee' or 'The Biggest Loser' is on, occasionally give the guy a break and let him watch soccer or futball or whatever the crap you call it over there.

Congratulations and give my love to Posh Spice.  

Abe