Friday, February 18, 2011

A Cheeseboy Decree: Death to the High-Five and Fist-Bump

On this, the 18th day of February in the year 2011 of our Lord, I Cheeseboy, by the powers invested in me by the state of Blogsylvania, declare the High-Five dead.

I, Cheeseboy, also declare the Fist-Bump lame and the "Fist-Bump into 'Splosions" PUTRIDLY lame. (See Howie Mandel)

Cheeseboy (which is I as hath been determined by previous paragraph), also declare the following as acceptable alternatives to the high-five and fist-bumps:



  • E.T. finger touches
  • Open-palmed tickles
  • Interlocking finger curls
  • Double interlocking finger curls
  • "This is the church and this is the steeples" 
  • Tongue touches
  • Tiger claws
  • Bear claws
  • Horse claws (difficult)
  • Elbow bumps
  • Head butts (softly)
  • Backward head butts (lined up appropriately) 
  • Corn doggers (arm hair required)
  • Back pats (without hug)
  • Back pats (with hug)
  • Nipple winks (extreme difficulty, special training required)
  • Sanitizer squirts (mutual & non-mutual)
  • Soccer Mom scratching 
  • Face punches (fake)
  • Face punches (real)
  • Handshakes 
I, Cheeseboy, hereby decree that this law will go into effect immediately. Thank you for your understanding. 

It hath been said.

47 comments:

  1. mintifreshFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:06 PM

    I'm a little concerned about the tongue touches and the nipple winks, however, I am intrigued..

    ReplyDelete
  2. AGuidingLifeFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:12 PM

    Soccer Mom scratching ?!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kate GeisenFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:20 PM

    This would make for more entertaining...or more disturbing...sports events.

    ReplyDelete
  4. SausageFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:22 PM

    Soccer mom scratching????

    how will one get through saturdays at the field?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kristina P.February 18, 2011 at 6:26 PM

    How about Jazz hands and nipple touches?

    ReplyDelete
  6. GerbFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:30 PM

    I don't know... my 2-year-old does the fist-bump into 'spolsions and it's pretty cute. We actually call it Rock-Pow, so maybe it's still okay?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Becky @ Babes in HairlandFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:33 PM

    There's a few weird ones in there ... hope you don't use them on your class! Not sure what Soccer Mom scratching is. Guess it's cuz I'm not a soccer mom maybe?

    ReplyDelete
  8. BNMFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:35 PM

    hahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  9. Pat TillettFebruary 18, 2011 at 6:48 PM

    I totally agree!
    Define nipple winks please...

    ReplyDelete
  10. DeborahFebruary 18, 2011 at 7:28 PM

    I'm awesome at nipple winks! Like Carrie gives Doug yes? (King of Queens)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Everyday GoddessFebruary 18, 2011 at 7:33 PM

    I hate open-palmed tickles. Scary.

    ReplyDelete
  12. HeidiFebruary 18, 2011 at 7:53 PM

    bwahahaha!!!!
    I am in tears my friend, (and not the kind of tears that came earlier at the "grammy seizures" comment)
    My two nephews and I can barely breathe we are laughing so hard!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kate GeisenFebruary 18, 2011 at 8:07 PM

    I hate hate the treadmill. But it was run on the treadmill or run in 2 feet of snow in a strange city. It was close, but the treadmill won. Was that "faculty" Valentine not hilarious?

    ReplyDelete
  14. UnknownFebruary 18, 2011 at 8:09 PM

    I just wanna know whose gonna be "winking" my nipples??? You never know what I might be up for!

    And I'm with Kristina P. - what about Jazz hands????

    ReplyDelete
  15. TisforTonyaFebruary 18, 2011 at 8:25 PM

    all in favor say Aye!

    Aye...

    well, except maybe the nipple winks, I'm pretty sure I don't have that kind of special training.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Tracie NallFebruary 18, 2011 at 8:43 PM

    I think an E.T. finger touch with a little Sanitizer squirt thrown in for good measure would work for me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ConnieFebruary 18, 2011 at 9:16 PM

    Just when I was getting the Fist Bump perfected!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Cathy Olliffe-WebsterFebruary 18, 2011 at 9:27 PM

    I never understood the stupid fist bump. It's taken me 50 years to perfect the high five... and don't you hate it when you high five some pasty little wimp who just holds their mildly moist hand gently against yours? I mean, if you're going to do it, slap it! Give it some emotion! Some feeling! No moist, ok? Can you add that? No moist?
    Oh, and you forgot Wolf Nipple Chips.

    ReplyDelete
  19. JillybeanFebruary 18, 2011 at 9:42 PM

    I'm confused about the Soccer Mom scratching.
    Do you scratch the soccer mom, or does she scratch you?

    ReplyDelete
  20. DB StewartFebruary 18, 2011 at 10:07 PM

    "It hath been said" = awesome. Is it still okay to pinkie-swear though?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Miss BeeFebruary 18, 2011 at 10:42 PM

    You're definitely going to have to do a follow-up post defining nipple winks and Soccer Mom scratching.

    And since I call it "knucks," I will continue to fist bump anyone who gives me reason to question their sanitary habits. Although elbow bumps would work too.... might have to start a revolution.

    ReplyDelete
  22. AmyFebruary 18, 2011 at 11:35 PM

    :) I don't know, high fives are just so easy. SOme of the other things (tongue touches? Head buts) not so easy. But still, it made me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Impulsive AddictFebruary 18, 2011 at 11:53 PM

    Dude...I think several of these need additional information!
    Tongue Touches? Corn doggers? Nipple winks? Sanitizer Squirts (which sounds totally dirty)? Soccer Mom scratching?

    Or maybe you just need to move because not all parts of the US participate in these special bumps. Or maybe you're just getting punked.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Rawknrobyn.blogspot.comFebruary 19, 2011 at 12:27 AM

    You had me at the church and steeple one. This was another hysterical post, Cheeseboy. I'm thinking a Jewish gal could use an alternative to that church one. ("Here's the Temple and inside are the Jews. Open the doors, and see how they snooze." That's all I got. I'm sure you could do better.)
    Thanks for the laughs.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  25. Joann MannixFebruary 19, 2011 at 6:00 AM

    I don't know what this corn dog thing is and why it requires arm hair, but for that reason alone, I think it should be expelled from the list. Also, soccer mom scratching? If you saw any of the soccer moms on my daughter's team, you would understand why I have no reason in scratching anything on a soccer mom.

    I think you should add face slapping to the list. There's nothing like a good face slap.

    ReplyDelete
  26. NicoleFebruary 19, 2011 at 6:08 AM

    This is fabulous! You had me at ET finger touches.. hahahahahaa

    ReplyDelete
  27. tammyFebruary 19, 2011 at 7:29 AM

    I still think I'm gonna go with the high-five to the face. Especially for the lady in the McD's drive-thru.

    ReplyDelete
  28. MindyFebruary 19, 2011 at 9:19 AM

    Apparently, my 2 year-old is ahead of the game. He is the master of head butts, but his are not gentle!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Lisa LooFebruary 19, 2011 at 9:57 AM

    WHY do we have to touch strangers or "sort of acquaintances" at all???!!!
    What ever happened to personal bubble space??
    As in--coating oneself with so much hand sanitizer as to create a bubble around oneself.
    I may or may not have a few issues I need to work on.
    I definitely need some definitions though--I only know what 3 or 4 of the things on that list are.
    {hangs head in acceptable rules of contact shame}

    ReplyDelete
  30. LourieFebruary 19, 2011 at 10:02 AM

    Tongue touches....eeeew. haha...I think most of those are acceptable. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  31. PedalingFebruary 19, 2011 at 10:12 AM

    It's about time!

    Still working on mastering the horse claws.

    ReplyDelete
  32. JustinFebruary 19, 2011 at 11:26 AM

    You are one strange duck... but I completely agree with you here!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Alex J. CavanaughFebruary 19, 2011 at 11:44 AM

    Make it so!
    And can you give me a visual on the horse claws?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Going Like SixtyFebruary 19, 2011 at 11:57 AM

    So it is written. So it is done.
    ~Pharaoh Ben Kanobi
    *steeple*

    ReplyDelete
  35. 00dozoFebruary 19, 2011 at 12:50 PM

    Personally, I think anyone over 28 really can't pull off a fist-bump without looking ... how should I say ... nerdy?(I would know.)

    Nipple wink? Can you demonstrate that?
    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  36. lindsey vFebruary 19, 2011 at 2:39 PM

    Never!
    Long live the high-five!

    ReplyDelete
  37. PatFebruary 19, 2011 at 7:18 PM

    I have no idea what a corn dogger is, and I'd have to work on my nipple winks!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Middle-aged Mormon ManFebruary 20, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    I totally agree with Bear Claws. There a delicious. Especially with almonds or apples.

    ReplyDelete
  39. EmmyFebruary 20, 2011 at 8:59 PM

    I am really afraid to know what a few of those are. What about exploding pound fives? That is what my daughter gives.

    ReplyDelete
  40. TeachinfourthFebruary 20, 2011 at 10:26 PM

    Tongue chicken?

    ReplyDelete
  41. UnknownFebruary 21, 2011 at 7:37 AM

    LOL.. tongue touches? Well that will work for Chris and I, but I doubt my boss will let me do that to her!!! LMAO!!
    Oh.. and YAY!!! no more fist bumps!!!!!! WOOHOOO!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  42. mCatFebruary 22, 2011 at 2:03 AM

    Intrigued by the nipple winks.
    Would like to implement, not sure how. Please advise

    ReplyDelete
  43. UnknownFebruary 23, 2011 at 10:37 AM

    OK...do you have the same malady that Howie does? I know it's mental..but does yours have a name? >>>>
    >>>>kt

    ReplyDelete
  44. NotaSupermomFebruary 24, 2011 at 8:50 PM

    So sayeth the Cheeseboy and so shall it be.

    ReplyDelete
  45. ThreeOldKeysFebruary 25, 2011 at 11:35 AM

    I'm thinking "mime fives", with a thick pane of glass between us.

    Actually, that barrier would make a lot these greetings more acceptable.

    ReplyDelete
  46. LeneMarch 3, 2011 at 10:49 AM

    So glad that face punches are now allowed.

    ReplyDelete
  47. tiburonMarch 20, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    There were a lot of words in this post that made me feel squinkie.

    ReplyDelete

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