Assistant: Uh, a what now?!
Samson: The jawbone of an ass! Bring it to me henceforth!
Assistant: The jawbone? I could get you a sword or a sling shot. David's not using his anymore.
Samson: I shall slay 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. Bring me one now!
Assistant: I don't even know how to properly kill an ass, let alone pull the jawbone out of one.
Samson: Young sir, fetch me an ass jawbone. The Philistines awaiteth their death and destruction!
Assistant: Uh huh. And... you think that you are going to kill them with the jawbone....
Samson: OF AN ASS! YES! Fetcheth henceforth. Pronto, boy! Fetch the ass jaw!
Assistant: Sir, I am worried about you. First this preoccupation with your hair and now this whole ass jawbone business. You're going to get yourself killed.
Samson: Seriously boy. Question me not, for I am Samson, servant of God! Here is a knife. See-eth that ass over there? Bring me the jawbone.
Assistant: I, uh... really don't feel comfortable. I could barely stomach the frog in High School Biology.
Samson: Heaven help me. Must I do everything? Giveth me that knife. Find yourself a new Prophet to bother, puppet-boy.
Assistant: Alright, alright. I'll do it.
Samson: THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS SHALL WREAKETH HAVOC ON THE ENEMIES OF GOD!
Assistant: [Covered in blood] Here is your stupid ass jawbone.
---------------Sampson slaughters 1,000 Philistines with nothing but an ass jawbone. -----------------
Assistant: Now what?
Samson: Fetcheth me a lion! I feel like a gallivanting and refreshing wrestle!
Assistant: Uh and just how am I supposed to capture this lion?
Samson: Here, use this ass jawbone. It's amazing.
hahahahaha! LOL! I could use that jaw bone in taming the bipeds that live here.
ReplyDeleteNow we know the rest of the story!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the enlightenment...and the chuckle!
HA! You never cease to amaze me!
ReplyDeleteThat is great! I could use that jawbone too man.
ReplyDeletePeople say I talk out of that thing but I did not know it ACTUALLY had a jaw bone? W.C.C.
ReplyDelete"He told us that Samson didn't take no sass, and whipped the Phillistiine's with the jawbone of an ass; but to tell the truth he got all that just a little mixed up....."--Ray Stevens.
ReplyDeleteI love it when blog posts remind me of Ray Stevens songs.
This post was so random and funny. I loved it. I can see it being in a cartoon skit somewhere.
ReplyDelete"Slay Phillistines with jawbone of ass"
ReplyDeleteOkay, that's on my "to do" list.
I think you enjoyed writing "ass" a little too much-- isn't this a family blog?
ReplyDelete;-)
I could have used that on that jawbone on the ass of the ass that is suing me because he thinks it's ok to trespass and get his ass bit by my dog.
ReplyDelete"Samson: The jawbone of an ass! Bring it to me henceforth!"
ReplyDeletehilarious!
Would have been easier to just find a jawbone laying around, rather than killing an ass and extracting the jawbone, don't you imagine? I am sure that's how it was done!
ReplyDeletewhoa... clearly i do not know my bible stories...
ReplyDeleteGreat punchline!
ReplyDeleteI bet they call you to be the next Gospel Doctrine teacher.
ReplyDeleteLOL!! Hey, I got a great idea.. can you go fetch me the jawbone of an ass? I have a bunch of people that have pissed me off recently and it seems to work really well!!! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI'm heading to my bible now to read this part again. I must have a different version than you. :oD
ReplyDeleteMy favorite line...
Samson: Heaven help me. Must I do everything? Giveth me that knife. Find yourself a new Prophet to bother, puppet-boy.
:oD
I want to know who checked the "weird" box and how you feel when someone does? I thought this was HEE-LARIOUS as usual. :)
ReplyDeleteI love your take on this popular biblical figure! Only Delilah (a Philistine, Samson's wife) knew the secret to Samson's strength.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your Labor Day, Cheeseboy!
Someone has too much time on his hands this weekend . . .
ReplyDeleteI think that everytime I am tempted to use "ass" as a swear word, I'll class it up by putting "Jawbone of" in front of it.
ReplyDeleteHilarious AND weird, Cheese Boy. I expected nothing less.
ReplyDelete:-D
Pearl
You are brilliant, oh, Boy of Cheese! Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteWe need thge CBV of the bible now.
ReplyDeleteCheese Boy Version.
I sure hope that wasn't the lesson you taught to some poor little Sunday School class yesterday. And I'm with imbeingheldhostage -- you just wanted an excuse to say ass that many times in one sitting. LOL Very funny.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I can check off reading my scriptures for today. The little star is going in the box as we speak.
ReplyDeleteThanks for helping a sistah out!
I love Bible stories!!! Especially the ones where water is turned into wine...or is it the other way around...eh, I don't like that version as well.
ReplyDeleteHappy Labor Day,
Mary
This is so brilliant! I was laughing throughout, how do you do it? By far the best line I've read in a long, long time, " THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS SHALL WREAKETH HAVOC ON THE ENEMIES OF GOD!". I would get that on t-shirt and wear it with pride. Have you ever considered screenplay writing? :D
ReplyDeleteThat's the bestest retelling ever!
ReplyDeleteI got a serious case of the giggles.
ReplyDeletehahahahah Much better version!
ReplyDeleteLOL! Too funny!
ReplyDeleteI'd love it if you were my Gospel Doctrine teacher.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot more people would read the bible if it were written like that
ReplyDeleteOh if only they teach this way in Sunday School. I would totally get it! LOL
ReplyDeleteoh, i love your take on the story!
ReplyDeleteA good night to have a laugh. Thank you. Hey, guess what I noticed, 403 followers,...... video? Coming soon?
ReplyDeleteTake care and love the texts and responses.
Have a great and blessed week.
The only thing that could have made this post better was a felt board.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe some puppets.
Loved it Cheese Boy!
LOL LOL LOL - thanks for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteOy - is it bad to admit that I snorted whilst reading this??
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh you are so weird. But I applaud your excessive use of the word ass. More of that please. :)
ReplyDeleteI must have been sick when they taught this in my Catholic grade school. Darn!
ReplyDeleteNo no, oh fellow commenters, not weird, totally hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI really did burst into laughter at the very last line.
I feel like I have just been the recipient of the blog post that attempted to break the world record for using the word "ass" the most.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, you are so, so funny. This elevates you to genius in my mind.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I now say, "Fetch the ass jaw!" as often as possible around the house.
Your mind works in a mysterious way...how lucky are you!
ReplyDeleteCheeseboy, I have been out of the loop for a while and must say it is refreshing to revisit your twisted, creative material...where do you come up with this stuff! Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThat was funny-and I'll remember this skit for some ward social later on in life:)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for being such a scriptorian that I now want to read the Bible.
ReplyDeleteI night need to get me an ass jawbone too.
There's a few people that need slaying.
Awesome. Pure awesomeness. I would have preferred to have been Hercules' personal assistant myself.
ReplyDeleteHaaaaaaaa!!! I absolutely LOVED this one! I felt like I was hot & sweaty right there beside the ass-jaw-bone-fetchin' man. I bet you've got that scene figured out just about right.
ReplyDeleteToo funny. Laughed out loud at the frog in High School biology line!!!
ReplyDeleteI wonder how he KNEW the ass jawbone was going to be better than the donkey's? Very Hi-lar-i-ous!!! =D
ReplyDeleteand the bloggist post is getting some serious competition in my mind - hifreakin'larious :)
ReplyDelete